Jennifer Eventually Gets The Message

Angela Piper (Jennifer Aldridge)

We have often said in the past that Jennifer appears to be living on another planet and sails through life, serenely unaware of the things that are happening around her, dispensing a cake here, a casserole there and trying to keep the increasingly-dysfunctional Aldridge family together, or at least not at each other’s throats. She was at it again this week, visiting Kirsty with a Victoria sponge as an apology for polluting the Am with possible carcinogens and instant fish killer. Kirsty is well aware what’s going on and, as Roy tells Lexi, it will take more than a cake to make up for the fact that Kirsty could have had liver damage, or grown another head or similar – nasty stuff this TCE.

Brian appears to have taken a leaf out of his wife’s book, as he tells Adam and anyone else that he is on top of the situation and in constant contact with the specialist firm he has brought in to clear the site at Low Mead. It obviously worked with Jennifer, as she tells Brian “we’ll soon be able to put all this behind us and get back to normal – it will all seem like a bad dream.”

The words ‘bad dream’ soon prove prophetic, as the situation worsens. Brian and Jennifer go to a drinks party at the Dower House and Justin buttonholes Brian about the pollution – he has heard about the TCE from people in the village. Brian explains that the EA is just being cautious and he expected better from Justin than listening to ‘idle village gossip’. There’s nothing worse than idle village gossip; unless it’s true idle village gossip, of course. “Please trust me” Brian says and repeats that there is nothing to worry unduly about. Justin tells him that he’s up to his neck in it and “you may have convinced Jennifer that it will all blow over, but you’re not convincing me.” Brian is losing patience and tells Justin two things: “Number one, you’re wrong and number two, in what way exactly is it any of your damn business?”

Brian continues to do his ostrich impression and Justin turns to Adam, who he knows has the welfare of the land close to his heart. Phrases like “this contamination could be huge; possibly catastrophic” get through to Adam and he agrees to visit the site and talk to the contractors (who are charging Home Farm a shedload of money), rather than listen to Brian’s platitudes.

This he does and it’s fair to say that his eyes are opened, as he speeds down to Home Farm, looking for Brian, who has taken Noluthando (and Kate – yippee!) to the airport. Adam comes across Jennifer, who is half asleep and he demands to know where Brian is. Jennifer can sense that Adam is more than somewhat distressed and tries to placate him with vacuous, reassuring phrases. Adam tells his mum that the contractors have stopped work on the site and she tuts – Brian will be angry. Sod Brian, says Adam, they’ve stopped work because they have uncovered unlabelled drums of chemicals and are wary of moving them – they might explode for all they know. Jen makes more soothing noises and Adam gets more and more uptight. Trying to make her realise the gravity of the situation, he tells her they have discovered Dieldrin and other organochlorines. While Jennifer doesn’t actually say ‘that’s nice for them’ she does say “you don’t need to worry darling”, causing Adam to grab hold of her and bang her head on the table (not really, but he sounded like he wanted to). Instead he has one last go at spelling out the situation, saying that they are facing a potential ecological disaster. “This is about as serious as it gets” he says, as Thursday’s episode ends.

Next day, Brian is incensed because Adam took it upon himself to ring up the insurers. Adam says they need to get as much information as possible. “When I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it” Brian tells Adam. At the mention of insurers, Jennifer is alarmed – did Adam get the impression that they might not pay up for the work, which is costing thousands a week? Adam says that that was the impression he got and Jennifer is even more alarmed. This is interesting – the fact that a large part of Borsetshire might be on the verge of being turned into an ecological desert with poisonous chemicals getting into the water supply doesn’t seem to worry Jennifer, but the thought that Home Farm might not be able to claim on the insurance is a major catastrophe.

On the plus side, it would appear that Jennifer has, at last, got the message. In bed that night, neither she nor Brian can sleep. She says that they need to find the paperwork to show that they were deceived – a few decades ago, Brian took a backhander from a builder who was looking for somewhere ‘to dump some harmless rubbish’. Brian didn’t ask too many questions as to the exact nature of this rubbish and now look what’s happened. Just to add to Jennifer’s woes and anxiety, Brian shares that he has spoken to his lawyers and they warned him that, as landowner at the time, he could be facing a custodial sentence. “You mean prison?” Jen asks, in a faltering voice. No dear, he means they are going to cover him in custard – of course he means prison, you dimwit.

Leaving Brian to study how to stitch mailbags, what else has happened? Noluthando has gone back to South Africa and has had a touching farewell with Freddie, who kept on apologising for the pill episode at her party. She says that it was her fault, not his, but wants him to stop dealing. Freddie protests that it’s hardly dealing – sorry Freddie, but selling drugs for money is dealing, even if you only sell to friends – and he eventually promises that he will stop. Personally, I have my doubts. She also tells him that he must visit her in South Africa. “Try and stop me!” he says enthusiastically, obviously forgetting that Elizabeth has his passport locked in her safe – that’ll do it every time.

Noluthando has an even more touching goodbye with Peggy. Peggy gets the whole truth about the party, the drug and the hospital out of Nolly and begs her not to do it again. Nolly says (and, it has to be said, with a lot more conviction than Freddie) that she promises never to do anything so stupid again. Peggy gives her a gold necklace that she bought for herself some years ago and she hopes it will bring Nolly much luck. At first, Nolly is reluctant to take it but Peggy persuades her and the two hug.

There was much hugging at Honeysuckle cottage, when Roy and Lexi finally agreed that she could be Adam and Ian’s surrogate. After a lot of ‘It’s on – it’s off’ last week (which I couldn’t bring myself to write about), Roy and Lexi talk. She understands why Roy is against the idea and she wants him to be happy. For his part, Roy wants Lexi to be happy and he knows that doing this for Adam and Ian would bring her great joy, so he agrees that she can go ahead, as it will make her happy. I’m glad they have agreed one way or the other – it was doing my head in.

Lexi, Adam and Ian have a meeting – rather a formal meeting – to discuss possible scenarios about the pregnancy and birth. Adam even used the word ‘agenda’ and has a hard jog restraining Ian, who is as excited as a kid in a sweetshop and cannot keep to the point. What, for instance would they do if the foetus had a genetic disability? Would they abort? What about changing their wills (Lexi doesn’t have one)? What if the maternity hospital is struck by a meteorite? (I made that up, but I bet it was discussed). Ian is even happier the next day, as the Fertility Clinic rang him to say that they have found an egg donor. Lexi says that she is sure that they will make great fathers.

Someone worried about impending fatherhood is Toby Fairbrother. Pip lets him come along with her and Rooooth for the baby’s scan. Only one other person is allowed in the room and Rooooth says that it should be Toby. He is touched (why not let Toby and Rooooth be the two – they could all go down the pub earlier) and, when he hears the baby’s heartbeat, he is overcome. He leaves the hospital early and is immediately beset by doubts – as he tells Bert later, he realises that the baby is a proper person who needs a proper Dad and he can’t do it – he’s still a kid himself.

Bert gives him some advice and tells him that he felt the same way when Freda was pregnant and his father told him that that was a natural feeling and he’d felt the same when his wife was carrying Bert. Bert says that he has known Toby for a while and, if he puts his mind and his back into it, he will be a good father. “This baby could be the making of you” he tells Toby. I suppose we should be grateful that Bert never made up a poem about it. Rooooth keeps asking Pip if there’s no chance of getting back with Toby and Pip replies ‘none whatsoever’ a little too quickly for my liking.

If Toby is going to provide for his child, he needs a sound financial base. Lucky then that he negotiated a six-month extension on the lease at Hollowtree. Not so lucky then that, when he tells Rex about this, his brother reveals that he is packing the geese business in and won’t be paying rent for Hollowtree, as he doesn’t need it any longer. Toby says that he cannot afford the rent on his own, to which Rex’s attitude could best be summed up as ‘tough’.

Chris and Alice Carter must have been wicked sods, as they went round Susan and Neil’s on Sunday. In her usual, tactful way, Susan says that people are saying that the contamination is Brian’s fault, but all he is interested in is profits. Susan doesn’t realise that Alice is in the room and she is taken aback when Alice tells her off sharply for spreading gossip. Susan says “I don’t spread gossip” and the only wonder is that she isn’t immediately struck down by a thunderbolt. In the car later, Alice tells Chris that Susan should learn to keep her mouth shut. Some chance! Alice is fed up with her job and Chris suggests that this could be the time to start a family, but Alice isn’t interested – reflecting, no doubt that any child would carry a number of Susan’s genes.

Susan continues to praise the health-giving benefits of Kefir and advises Helen on packaging and marketing. Neil meanwhile is coming down with a bad dose of flu and wonders if he should give up work, as he doesn’t think he could stand another year with the pigs. Think on Neil – if you retire, you’ll be spending more time at home with Susan. I bet he’s feeling better already. Susan nags him (surely not?) and tells him to go to bed with a paracetamol, which begs the question, if this Kefir is so damned healthy, why didn’t she give him a dollop of that instead?

Come On Brian; It’s Not All Bad News

Charles Collingwood (Brian Aldridge)

It has been a busy week for the Aldridges and the Madikanes. The week began quietly, with Kirsty, for reasons known only to herself, deciding to reprise the New Year’s Day swim in the Am. She is disappointed when, one after another, those who joined her on NYD cried off, having presumably regained their senses or sobered up. Kirsty tries to persuade Roy to join her, but he is preoccupied with the ongoing saga of the surrogacy and says ‘no’. Undaunted, Kirsty goes ahead, saying that, if she wimps out, the others will laugh at her. She might also consider that, if she jumps into a freezing river in January, they might well have her sectioned.

Anyway, she does go ahead and there is much squealing and splashing, then Roy urgently shouts at her to get out - now! It turns out that the river is full of dead fish. It seems strange that Roy and Kirsty never noticed these before - after all, they could hardly be hiding in the weeds, could they? - but she rings the Environment Agency incident line and, before long, the banks of the Am are swarming with EA investigators taking water samples.

On Tuesday, Brian has a nasty shock when he is interviewed under caution by the EA, who have established that the contamination is coming from Home Farm land and who have found a blocked culvert. The words ‘blocked culvert’ took me back - who do we know who has form in this area? Quick; get on to Immigration and check to see whether a certain Rob Titchener has slipped back into the country.

Next day, Jennifer has obviously been thinking about the situation and she wonders if there is skulduggery afoot - Justin sold Brian the land adjoining Home Farm at a rock-bottom price; was it because he had an ulterior motive? Did he know the land was contaminated? Jennifer thinks Brian should confront Justin and ask him and seems unable to grasp that there’s no way that Brian could broach the subject without making it look as if he’s accusing Justin outright. As far as Brian is concerned, Justin’s low asking price was down to ‘mate’s rates’. Jennifer is not convinced and says that she has a good mind to go and ask Justin herself. Brian’s response to this is that she should leave the situation well alone.

But this is Jennifer we are talking about, so what do you think she does? Quite right - hardly has Brian finished talking, when Jen is round at the Dower House. Tactful as ever, Jennifer accuses Justin of stabbing a friend in the back and refuses to believe his protestations that there was nothing wrong with the land and he gave Brian a good price as they are friends. Jen continues to bang on about ‘poisoned land’ and, in the end, Justin (who is jet-lagged after returning from honeymoon) snaps and says how dare Brian send his wife round to accuse him. Justin has a message for Jennifer to give to Brian - “Caveat emptor - buyer beware.” Well done Jen, this episode should make future BL board meetings interesting, albeit a little frosty. One can also assume that Jennifer’s relationship with her sister Lilian will be a bit cool henceforth.

Clearly, Jennifer feels strongly about the subject, but her blundering approach is compounded by the fact that she is barking up the wrong tree; on Friday, a frazzled Brian tells her that the source of the contamination has been pinpointed and it has nothing to do with the land that Justin sold them. Instead, it is coming from an old pond that was drained and then used by builders to dump stuff in. This stuff included TCE, which is an industrial degreaser and which, under anaerobic conditions, in time degrades to vinyl chloride, which is highly toxic. No doubt, like me, you suspected this was what had happened - obvious really.

Brian, who as far as we know is not yet aware that his wife has accused his fellow BL director of sharp practice, is a worried man; as the landowner, it is down to him to sort out the problem and get specialists with diggers and earthmovers to investigate and establish the scope of the problem. Oh yes, there’s also a chance that Home Farm might be prosecuted and, if so, they will be left with the bill. Jen asks how much. £20 k? £100 k? In a faltering voice, Brian says that it’s hard to say, but the final reckoning “could run up to millions.” Have a good weekend, Brian. Why not invite Justin round?

Interwoven with this story is the conflict between Noluthando and Kate. Jennifer complains to Peggy that, when Kate walks into a room, Noluthando promptly walks out. Peggy says that Nolly is still a child and she needs her mother. “I’m sure they’ll find a way of coming together” Peggy adds. “I wish I could believe that” Jennifer replies, forlornly.

Poor Peggy is getting it from all sides, as Kate pours out her heart to her grandmother, telling her that Noluthando doesn’t like her and what can she do? Peggy wants to watch a film that Nolly has downloaded for her and is getting annoyed when Kate keeps interrupting her with her moans. Peggy says that it’s very simple: “Nolly is a child and you’re her mother. She doesn’t want you to be her friend, but her mother.” Kate, who has clearly inherited the Aldridge talent for being patronising, tells Peggy that she doesn’t understand - it’s harder to be a mother nowadays than it was in Peggy’s day and relationships are more fluid.

Peggy has had enough. “I understand that you are talking a load of nonsense. Noluthando wants a mother she can rely on and turn to if she has a problem. She wants a mother she can respect.” Kate expresses amazement that her daughter doesn’t respect her and Peggy gives her a final piece of advice: “If you want Noluthando to respect you as a mother, then you’re going to have to behave like a mother.”

This would appear to be sound advice, as Noluthando (who’s 17^th birthday is on Friday) confides in Freddie that she is dreading the planned party at Home Farm and can’t bear the thought of “my so-called mother getting down with the kids.” Freddie has a flash of inspiration - amazingly, he has passed his maths resit and says that Elizabeth owes him a party, so why doesn’t Noluthando combine her party with his? Elizabeth is obviously as stunned as the rest of us at Freddie’s academic achievement and the party is scheduled for Thursday.

The day arrives and Noluthando comes across Freddie in the garden, dealing drugs. She has a go at him and says she is disappointed. Freddie protests that it’s a good way of making some cash, conveniently overlooking the fact that it is breaking the law. Noluthando dryly asks if it is really a good idea to deal drugs in your own back yard, but she is interrupted by Kate approaching her. “Please tell me that’s not my mother” says Noluthando and demands that Freddie gives her a pill - now. He tells her to take just one quarter of it, but she swallows the whole thing.

Noluthando is harsh with her mother, telling her that she wasn’t invited and to shut up, before running off. Kate is distraught and asks Freddie “What do I have to do to make her love me?” I was hoping Freddie would reply “Sorry seems to be the hardest word” but instead he answers “Big question. Really big question.”

Later on, Freddie is terrified to see spaced-out Noluthando hanging out of a second floor window and he begs her to come back inside. Kate turns up “Oh, my darling mother” says Noluthando and Kate realises that this is not normal. “What’s she taken?” she snaps at Freddie and, in masterful mode, tells him to wait outside while she talks her daughter down and back into the room. This she does successfully, but Nolly collapses and Kate yells at Freddie to call an ambulance and tell them the patient has taken a drug of some sort. This is a new, forceful Kate and, when Freddie (who I believe, on recent behaviour could be a shoo-in for the new Ambridge village idiot) hesitates, she tells him to get out and get on the phone, quickly.

Next day, Jennifer is worried, because Kate and Noluthando didn’t come home. Brian doesn’t care - he’s trying to contact a solicitor, as this is the day of the second EA interview under caution. In the hospital, Nolly comes round. Kate has been there all night and Nolly tells her that she really wanted to jump last night, then she wanted to listen to Kate. Kate breaks down in tears and tells Nolly that she realises that she has been a terrible mother, but she is going to change. Nolly says that Kate saved her life. “Did you call me Nolly last night?” she asks. Kate says yes she did, and she’s sorry. “Actually, I liked it - mum” her daughter tells her.

The two return to Home Farm, where they are greeted by Jennifer, who hasn’t a clue what has been going on, and who wishes her granddaughter a happy birthday. Noluthando seems very happy and replies politely to Jennifer’s questions and comments, to the extent that, when Noluthando goes to get changed, Jennifer remarks she is like a different girl. That’s what a near-death experience and finding that your mother isn’t the complete flake you thought she was can do for you, I suppose.

Kate seems to have morphed into a responsible, caring mother and tells Jennifer that she and Noluthando had a really good talk (Kate didn’t grass her daughter up about the drugs or hospital visit, incidentally). Furthermore, Kate went to see a travel agent and has booked Noluthando’s flight home to South Africa next week. And there’s more - Kate will be going back with her. Jennifer is stunned - how long for? What about Spiritual Home? Kate says that she doesn’t know how long she’ll be away and she can arrange that something is done about Spiritual Home. Her priorities now, she tells her mother, are Noluthando and Sipho and that’s what she is going to concentrate on. Jennifer is still taken aback - it seems that it is not only Noluthando who appears to be a different girl.

As Kate goes to get changed, Brian comes in and breaks the news to Jen about the potential costs of the clean up. And so, belatedly, we eventually come to the title of this week’s blog - ok, it could be expensive, Brian, but look on the bright side; Kate won’t be around to annoy you for much longer and, thanks to Jennifer’s ham-fisted approach to Justin, he and Lilian will probably never come to Home Farm again, so think of what you will save on gin and champagne. As we said, it’s not all bad news.

David Tries To Be Reasonable - And Fails Miserably

Tim Bentinck (David Archer)

The week began with David remarking to Rooooth that Pip seems to be avoiding them, to which she replies that this is because of David’s attitude towards Toby. It has to be said that, if David had one shotgun cartridge in his gun and he came across Toby and a badger, he would be torn, trying to decide which to shoot.

Rooooth keeps on at her husband, saying that Toby is probably cowering in fear at Hollowtree and David needs to sort things out with Toby. David’s mood is not improved when he goes to The Bull and Kenton congratulates him on the news. Kenton then rubs salt into the wound by telling his brother that, yes, Toby can be a bit flaky, but Kenton has got to know him and “he’s not the total waste of space that you think he is.” Praise indeed, Kenton!

On Friday, David gives in to Rooth’s nagging and goes to Hollowtree to clear the air with Toby. Rooooth’s plan is that David should tell Toby that, while the news of Pip’s pregnancy came as a shock, she has decided that she is going to keep the baby, is happy about going it alone and she has the support of the family. David is charged with conveying this message calmly, reasonably and with dignity, in a civilised manner, and showing Toby that he (David) is OK with the situation.

Things start off reasonably enough when David rocks up at Hollowtree and he and Toby exchange pleasantries and small talk about how they spent Christmas. When the subject of the pregnancy comes up, Toby is pleased that Pip is happy and he offers to keep well out of the way and let Pip and the Archers raise the child - after all, all Toby ever wanted was a quiet life. Wrong answer, Tobes! David’s (admittedly limited, where Toby is concerned) stock of reasonableness has been used up and he has a go at Toby, telling him that all he ever does is just drift along through life and, if he had been more responsible in the first place…

Toby protests that the situation is nobody’s fault, but is interrupted by David, who says that the baby will be brought up by the family, so Toby is free to go away and start a whole new life. David then goes further, saying that the tenancy for Hollowtree runs out at the end of the month “so now might be a very good idea to consider your options.” Toby is taken aback, but David is in full flow now, as he says that Toby can run his gin business from anywhere “so maybe it’s best if you go sooner, rather than later.” David storms out angrily. Was that the sort of chat that you had in mind, Rooooth?

Pip, meanwhile, is having troubles - exactly how can she break the news to granny Jill? As it turns out, Jill is suspicious that something is going on, as Ben told her that he thinks something is up. I’m glad Ben talks to his gran - he hasn’t said a word to anyone else for months. Pip eventually tells Jill that her first great-grandchild is on the way and, in horror, Jill works out who the father must be and rushes off for a hairdressing appointment. After this, Jill goes to see Peggy and slags off Toby, accusing him of not accepting responsibility. Peggy mentions that, as far as she understands, the decision was Pip’s and Toby isn’t to blame.

Peggy goes further and reminisces about when Jennifer was pregnant with Adam - and Peggy didn’t know who was the father. “That turned out all right” Peggy reminds Jill and says that they should forget about Toby and concentrate on doing all they can for Pip. The message obviously hits home, as Jill returns to Brookfield and seeks out her granddaughter. Pip apologises for the shock - and Jill admits that it was a shock, but if this is Pip’s choice, then she will support her all the way.

Later on in the week, Pip speaks to Helen - what will she do if, when the baby arrives, Pip decides that she’s not ready to be a mum? Well Pip, I’m no gynaecologist, but as far as I know, no-one has ever managed to send a baby back. Helen reassures her, saying that having Henry was the best thing that ever happened to her and she is sure that Pip will be a fine mother. Talking later with David, Pip admits that she never thought it would be like this and she envisaged a traditional wedding (probably to a farmer) at St. Stephen’s but now she’s messed it all up. David, in a comment that came straight out of the Brian Aldridge book of quotations, jokes that this way he won’t have to pay for the wedding.

Pregnancy loomed large last week, as Roy becomes increasingly concerned because Lexi is undertaking considerable research about what is involved in being a surrogate. He says that, from what Lexi says, it sounds like she’s halfway to agreeing to do it. She says no, but she’d like to talk about it. Roy is mystified - if she’s not going to do it, what’s the point of talking about it? He says that he knows that Lexi is only considering acting as a surrogate because she is such a kind, caring, considerate person.

That’s as maybe, but later on we learn that there is an ulterior motive. At Grey Gables, Lexi asks Ian if she can go to Honeysuckle cottage and talk to him and Adam - she has a few questions to ask them. Let’s suppose that Lexi agreed to be the surrogate - if she felt unable to work full time, would Adam and Ian compensate her for loss of earnings? Of course they would.

Secondly, she would not want to use one of her own eggs, but would want a donated egg. Is that OK? Yes. Finally, her contract at Grey Gables will soon be over and, if she were pregnant, she would like to spend as much time as possible with her daughters in Bulgaria - would the boys cover her expenses? Adam says that, while this isn’t what they envisaged, they wouldn’t want it to be a deal-breaker. So what’s Lexi’s answer - yes or no? “It’s a maybe” she tells them.

All this has been going on without Roy’s knowledge and he confronts Lexi - does this mean that she is going to do it? Lexi says that, if she does, then she’ll be doing it for selfish reasons, to spend more time with her family. I bet that made Roy feel good, but he says that something like this would change the dynamics of their relationship. Lexi cannot see this and, when Roy reminds her that she’d be carrying someone else’s child, she tells him that it doesn’t matter. “It matters to me,” Roy wails, adding: “I love you so much, I don’t want to end up losing you.” I fear there is still much to be sorted out between the couple, but my sympathies are with Roy.

At Home Farm, a power struggle is brewing. Brian has been looking at the financial situation and he feels that they ought to change the agronomist that they have been using for years and engage a new, flashy company, Hardys. He mentions this to Jennifer, telling her that there’s nothing for her to worry her head about and leave it up to him. Because of the way the farm business has been set up, Brian, Jen, Adam, Debbie, Kate, Alice and Ruairi (whose proxy is Rooooth) all have a vote. Brian tells Adam that, as he has Jennifer and Debbie on his side, he has a majority.

Adam is despondent - he doesn’t want to see a return to the days of high input, chemical dependant agriculture and gently chides his mother for siding with Brian. Jennifer replies that she said no such thing and she is still making up her mind. The family meet at a supper arranged by Jennifer and the lines are drawn. Jennifer stuns he husband by saying that she agrees with Adam, but little do they know that Brian has been buttering up Kate (who was particularly obnoxious this week, as she is being ignored by Noluthando.) Brian lays it on with a shovel, telling Kate that he loves both her and Nolly and he thinks that Noluthando’s problems are all down to the way Lucas is treating her in South Africa. Kate falls for this and rapidly agrees, at which Brian says, “by the way, there’s a little something else to think about.” At the supper, surprise, surprise, Kate sides with her father, as he has explained the situation to her and she believes that his viewpoint is the correct one.

Brian is smug, until Jennifer says that she had spoken to Rooooth, who has a vote as Ruairi’s proxy, and she is on Adam’s side. Brian protests that Rooooth has nothing to do with Home Farm, but Adam triumphantly reminds him that the rules were set down by Brian. We look set for an impasse, but then Alice comes in with Chris, on their way to dinner with Susan and Neil (I bet they are both looking forward to that) and Alice tells everybody that, by the way, she agrees with Brian as well. Adam is gob smacked and Brian crows as only he can, calling Adam a bad loser and saying that this is a triumph for democracy.

While on the subject of Susan, she is still persevering with recipes for Kefir, but she’s wasting her time, as Helen has taken stocks off the shelves of Ambridge Organics, as no-one is buying it. She volunteers to talk to Tom and persuade him that Kefir is not a project worth pursuing. Reluctantly, he agrees and tells Susan and Clarrie that there will be no more Kefir. Clarrie is disappointed, as they were getting extra money for working on Kefir, but Susan is devastated.

As usual, Susan has harboured delusions of adequacy and envisaged a glittering new career as the queen of Kefir, overseeing and masterminding a new branch of the Bridge Farm empire. She accuses Tom of giving up too easily and is convinced that they were on the verge of a breakthrough, conveniently ignoring the fact that nobody likes the stuff, let alone is willing to buy it. We get an indication of Susan’s rather eccentric perception when Clarrie commiserates with her over her disappointment.” It’s not just a disappointment,” Susan wails, “it’s a disaster!” No it isn’t woman; get a sense of proportion, for heaven’s sake.

Out Of The Mouths Of Babes - Well, 17 Year-Olds

Mogali Masuku (Noluthando Madikane)

Last week kicked off with New Year’s Eve and Kate was trying on Noluthando’s eyeshadow, while Nolly frantically tried to put her mother off going down The Bull to celebrate. “There’ll be lots of people from college there,” says Nolly, but this is unlikely to discourage Kate, who is 40, going on 17. When Nolly realises that she is wasting her time, she says, resignedly “OK, but please don’t embarrass me.” Kate is amazed “How could I possibly embarrass you?” she asks. One assumes that the only reason Noluthando didn’t reply to this is that she wants to get to the pub before Easter.

At the pub, mother and daughter have a difference of opinion, as Noluthando’s 17^th birthday is approaching and she wants a sophisticated party at Home Farm. Kate pooh-poohs this and tells Noluthando that she can do better than that and Kate can arrange a night do at Spiritual Home, complete with fire pit - something that Noluthando will remember for the rest of her life; especially when she wakes up screaming at 3am, no doubt. Kate then says she cannot resist the music beat and gets up to do some ‘embarrassing mum’ dancing, while Noluthando looks for a corner in which to curl up and hide, or, possibly, die.

The discussion about the party continues after Noluthando has escaped to the Ladies’ and Kate still bangs on about yurts and why would Noluthando want a boring party? Noluthando starts to get stroppy and says that’s what she wants, just like she wanted an ordinary mother. Kate can’t get her head round this and says that “in years to come, you’ll be glad that I’m not ordinary.” Noluthando’s response to this suggests otherwise: “You’re deluded, self-obsessed and haven’t the faintest interest in who I am” she tells her mother, before walking out.

It was an evening for walking out, as Alice notices that Pip isn’t drinking alcohol and offers to get her a non-alcoholic cocktail. It turns out that this contains vodka and probably other alcoholic drinks and Pip throws a real wobbly and storms out of the pub, followed by Alice. Alice cannot understand Pip’s reaction and says “What’s the big deal? It’s not as if you’re pregnant or anything - oh! You are pregnant!” There is a noise in the undergrowth and Pip tells Alice to mind her own business.

We have said in the past that Alice shouldn’t really be allowed to drink and that she tends to wedge her foot in her gob and, sure enough, the following day, she does it again. She is sitting on the bank of the Am, where people are getting ready for a New Year’s dip in the river (why, for God’s sake?) and she moans to Ed about Pip’s reaction the previous night. “Obviously I’d never had done it if I had known she was pr -” she tells him. Ed fastens on to this and says “She’s not pregnant, is she?” Well done, Sherlock. There is speculation about the identity of the father and, in the pub later, Ed, who hasn’t realised that the news isn’t common knowledge, lets slip to Nic about the pregnancy. Well done Alice - yesterday only Pip, Toby and Elizabeth knew about the pregnancy, and now, thanks to you, that number has doubled (if you include the figure in the undergrowth). And this is after Alice told Ed that her NY resolution is “to stop putting my foot in it.” Well, that didn‘t take too long to go tits up, did it?

Meanwhile, back at Home Farm, Kate is sulking in her bedroom and Jennifer comes to see what’s wrong - Noluthando has told her what happened on NYE. When Kate repeats the ‘deluded, self-obsessed etc’ accusation, Jennifer chuckles and says that Kate and Noluthando are similar - both independent spirits. Kate is in full self-pitying mode and says that Nolly doesn’t care how much she hurts her mother, to which Jen says that, as the adult (ha!) it’s up to Kate to fix things. Kate ponders this and, later, she tells Jennifer that she is right; she has to reach out to Noluthando. “We’re both our own people - she has to see me for who I am” Kate tells Jen. You have to ask, is that really a good idea?

Kate asks Noluthando to help her at Spiritual Home and tells her that she wants to get to know her as a person. In a sentence that is patently true and a breathtaking example of understatement, Kate says “Look, I know I’m not perfect…” Noluthando (and five million listeners) did not contradict her. Kate has to leave, and she leaves Noluthando in charge of Spiritual Home. Lynda turns up, having booked an appointment (which Kate has forgotten about) for a treatment. Lynda is worried, as she feels that the character of Carabosse has taken her over and she wants to be cleansed.

Noluthando offers to carry out a Xhosa spiritual cleansing, using herbs and incantations taught to her by her tribe. Lynda agrees and it seems to be effective, as she says that she feels free of Carabosse’s influence - so much so, that as we learn next day, she has recommended it to her friends. Kate is impressed that her daughter “has embraced Spiritual Home” but she is nonplussed, as she cannot find any details on the Internet and will Noluthando teach her the finer details of Xhosa Steam Therapy, as that would give Spiritual Home the edge over competitors? This conversation takes place over coffee and cake and we hear Noluthando choking as her mother speaks. Eventually, Noluthando reveals that she made it all up; she just threw aromatherapy oils in a basin and did a bit of chanting and Lynda swallowed it (metaphorically).

Instead of laughing about it and saying ‘that’s a great idea - and a good profit earner’ Kate takes umbrage and says that Noluthando “could have endangered Lynda’s spiritual well-being.” Noluthando’s response to this is that, as Lynda believed it, it just goes to show what a load of baloney the Spiritual Home concept is. The conversation gets heated and ends up with Noluthando telling her mother a few home truths - has she any idea how rejected she (Noluthando) felt when Kate left South Africa four years (has she only been back four years - it seems longer?) ago. Kate protests that she loves her children, but Noluthando is in full flow, telling Kate that no, she was actually in love with the idea of having a right-on, mixed race family. Well done, Kate: a great example of reaching out, as Noluthando storms out to go home.

Noluthando must have been on overtime last week, as she was also involved in another major story concerning Freddie. She sees him at college and is surprised, as he’s supposed to be dropping out. Where better to do it? he asks, as all his friends are there. It turns out that he is selling Ecstasy pills and Noluthando has a real go at him. Freddie, who has been moaning that Elizabeth gets the photos of Nigel out every NYE, cannot see the difference between dealing E and selling magic mushrooms. He also says that he was selling the pills as a one-off favour for Ellis. Noluthando makes him promise that this will be the last time and he eventually agrees. However, as Noluthando goes off with Kate for coffee and cakes, Freddie rings Ellis and says “You know that supply deal? I want in.” When it comes to common sense, Freddie is truly his father’s son.

Elsewhere, Ian is brooding over something Lexi said when she, he and Adam were getting out of their heads on whisky the Friday before Christmas. Apparently, she said that, ‘in a parallel universe’ she would be the boys’ surrogate and Ian has taken this to heart, Adam says that they were all drunk and please don’t mention it to Lexi. So Ian mentions it to Lexi, who is embarrassed, as she cannot recall what was said. Ian is, in his turn, embarrassed, as he shouldn’t have mentioned it. Too right Ian! Especially as he had been talking to Roy earlier, who had said that he has never felt like anybody the way he feels about Lexi since he first met Hayley and he and her are trying to synchronise days off, flights to Bulgaria etc. You might have thought that, having been told by Roy that Lexi is his soul mate, Ian might have a bit of trouble explaining that Lexi is willing to have a child for him and Adam. Lexi told Roy (shortly before they agreed that it was a crazy idea) that she knows what it would mean for Ian and Adam. I can’t help thinking that Roy might not be quite so generous

And now, with heavy heart, we return to Pip’s pregnancy. We have learned that the news is seeping out and even Jennifer asks Rooooth if Pip has a boyfriend? Rooooth says no and, when asked why did Jen ask, she replies that she has heard some rumours, but it’s obviously rubbish.

Jolene is talking to Fallon in the pub and Fallon mentions Pip’s pregnancy. Jolene tells her sharply not to spread rumours and then she seeks out Pip for a chat. Jolene reveals that she was the person in the undergrowth (in paragraph four - keep up, but we don‘t know what she was doing) and that Fallon, Nic and Emma know about the baby and doesn’t Pip think that she should tell her parents, before they find out from someone else? “You need to tell them before it’s too late” Jolene tells her, adding that she (Jolene) was a single mother, but Fallon is the best thing that ever happened to her. The parallels don’t end there, as Fallon’s father was Wayne, and Pip has been impregnated by Toby - it’s difficult to know who to feel sorriest for.

Pip takes Jolene’s advice to heart, and invites David and Rooooth to Rickyard for a chilli dinner. Rooooth is suspicious and, on the night, she and David take a bottle of wine, which Pip refuses to drink. Rooooth remarks to David that Pip didn’t drink over Christmas either. David presumably thinks ‘all the more for me’ and the meal goes ahead. Pip brings the conversation around to when Rooooth was 25 and managed to combine work with a child and David burbles on about how Pip just needs to find the right man. Rooooth, however, has cottoned on and tells David “will you just listen?” David carries on reminiscing about what it was like when Pip was born and Rooooth finally yells “David, for God’s sake just shut up and hear what she’s trying to tell us!”

The penny eventually drops and talk turns to who is the father? Alfie is suggested and denied, so who could it be? Come on, have a guess! As Pip talks, David finally sees the light, as he moans “no, no, no, no!” and angrily shouts “Anyone but him! Not Toby Fairbrother!” And a Happy New Year to everyone at Brookfield - it promises to be an interesting one.