Hedli Niklaus (Kathy Perks)
It's not often that I compliment Jamie (other than
on the volume and frequency of his sighing) but a gold star for him this week
for agreeing to go back to college, thus sparing us months of Kathy's whining
and pleading. Mind you, Kathy did leave herself open to abuse when she said to
Jamie "If we can't talk about important things, then what am I here
for?" Bloody good question, Kathy – damned if I know the answer.
Jamie seems to be getting over being dumped by
Natalie by getting closer to Rosa. Kathy describes Rosa as "hardly an
academic" and this is borne out when Rosa tells Jamie that she wouldn't
want to do A Levels (not that she had the opportunity) "because I can
still be rich and happy." Sadly, she didn't share the secret of exactly
how she is going to achieve this. Ah! The eternal optimism of youth!
Of course, not all optimists are young – Eddie is
given a chance to talk about the Beast of Ambridge on Radio Borsetshire in
conversation with broadcaster Wayne Foley. Joe warns Eddie to be careful, but
it falls on deaf ears and his account of seeing the beast gets ever more
fanciful and he has just delivered his sales pitch for his statues of said
beast when Wayne interrupts him. Wayne has a photo of the beast statue and also
of the other three animals that Eddie sells (pig, dog and lion) and he accuses
Eddie of pulling a fast one, combining bits from all three for the beast statue
and saying "we've all had a laugh – isn't it time now to come clean?"
Eddie's not laughing and, when he returns home, Joe
tells him that there's been two calls; one a customer wanting his money back
and the other (in a strong Scottish accent) from the Loch Ness Monster, asking
if the Beast wanted to join him for a drink. "It's Jazzer!" wails
Eddie, adding: "I'm done for – I can never show my face in the village
again." Yes! Result! And when you leave, please take Joe with you.
While you're at it, take Tracy as well – she
berates Susan for not going with her to see Keith at the Magistrates' Court,
saying that they should support him for having done the right thing (i.e.
grassing up his mates; obviously it's OK to inform on friends, it's just
dobbing on family members that's unacceptable, apparently).
Tracy also tells Susan that she has always been
there for Keith and she has made sacrifices to support him. Susan asks like
what? and Tracy replies that her relationship with Iftikar is over. What
relationship is this? Tracy said that she asked him out and he made excuses. It
must be because of her family – what else could it be? Well, taking a wild stab
in the dark, it might be that Ifti doesn't want a relationship with a
delusional slapper, perhaps? Then again, perhaps he's looking for someone whose
intelligence is slightly higher than that of a retarded nematode? Mind you,
being a Horrobin certainly isn't a plus point.
Anyway, Keith won promotion to the Crown Court and
is out on bail, but not allowed to come near Ambridge. Perhaps we could frame a
list of characters with minor crimes so that a similar punishment is imposed?
Imagine a village with, say, no Will (shotgun licence irregularity) and no
Vicky (contrived excuse to follow) to mention only two. While on the subject of
criminals, there is unconfined joy at Brookfield when David learns that the
felons have pleaded guilty, so he won't have to give evidence at their trial.
Someone else who might be on trial if they're not
careful is Darrell, who still seems unable to grasp that Matt wants Joyce and
Arthur to move out of the house they are renting and would Darrell stop making
repairs so quickly and efficiently, please? Matt sends Darrell off on other
jobs and keeps him hanging around doing nothing, so that he can't get back to
Arthur and Joyce. Darrell, showing a level of sensitivity on a par with Kathy,
complains to Matt, who takes him to one side and tells him that there are cash
flow problems (Matt told Brenda earlier to shred a final demand from the gas
company) and Joyce and Arthur's house is a prime site and "a house we need
to sell". Just in case this isn't clear enough, he tells Darrell to do
something – "intervene". I thought this might still be too subtle for
Darrell and that he would only cotton on if Matt said "take the bloody
roof off" or similar, but it seems I misjudged him, as on Friday, Matt asks
him if "that extra job" has been done? Darrell says "yes".
Let's hope for the sake of Matt's blood pressure that Darrell hasn't
misunderstood and just repaired the central heating.
My blood pressure rose steadily as the "will
she, won't she?" saga of whether or not Vicky should have an amniocentesis
test, with much worrying about the one per cent chance of causing a
miscarriage. In the end Vicky agrees to it, after the midwife (or doctor – I'd
lost the will to live by then) said that they had fully trained staff. I wanted
her to say "we've carried this out successfully scores of times" and,
when Vicky asked "how many?" to reply "ninety-nine", but sadly
it didn't happen. Poor Mike is knackered (still no replacement for Harry) and
Vicky, who has been told to rest, moans at him: "at least you've got your
work – I'll be sitting here for the next few days on my own." Tell you
what Mike, teach the woman a lesson – tell her she's doing the milk round for
the rest of the week.
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