Monday, 7 November 2011

Willie One-Mate

Philip Molloy (Will Grundy)

Will surprised us all this week, by revealing that he does, in defiance of all logic, actually have a friend. He asked Roy if he would be his Best Man (again) and Roy enthusiastically agreed. Just as well really, as if he'd said 'no', Will would have been in trouble. I was hoping that he might have to ask brother Edward – now that would have been a Best Man's speech worth listening to.

It hasn't been a bad week for Willie One-Mate, as the first shoot of the season went very well and Brian said what a good keeper he was. Other members of the shooting party showed their appreciation in rather more concrete ways, including Matt, who gave Will a £50 tip. Who said crime doesn't pay?

Arrangements for the wedding continue apace, with Nic revealing that Caroline and Oliver will let them have the room for nothing and ditto the champagne reception. Last week I wondered whether there was an ulterior motive for choosing Grey Gables – the Prosecution rests, m'lud.

Nic and Clarrie natter on about the music for the wedding and it is revealed that George will be the ring bearer. Perhaps we should call him Frodo from now on – he's about the right size for a Hobbit? Let's hope that George doesn't nick the ring. Clarrie asked Nic if she would be happy if Clarrie made the wedding cake? I was hoping against hope that Nic would reply "yes – but only if you wash your hands thoroughly" but she didn't.

It was only two weeks ago that I suggested that bumping off Ivy Horrobin would be a way of getting wayward son Clive out of the way and, hey presto! Ivy is now history. For someone who never said anything, everyone reckoned she was a nice woman. However, the second part of the plan (i.e. getting rid of Clive) isn't working, as he's still hanging around. In fact, Susan tells Neil that at least Clive is giving her some help and support, which is more than can be said for her other siblings.

When speaking to Alan about the order of service, Susan said that she wanted 'joyful' hymns at the celebration of Ivy's life. She then chose 'Amazing Grace' and 'Abide With Me'. Why not go the whole hog and have the coffin carried in to the strains of the 'Dead March' from 'Saul'? That should lighten the atmosphere.

Talking of atmospheres, Brian and Adam are still at loggerheads over the Mega-Dairy plan. Adam wants to put forward his case and figures, but Brian tells him that a) he's a minority partner b) Brian and Debbie want to put the plan before the BL Board and c) would Adam mind sodding off so Brian can get his lunch? Peggy, who is at Home Farm for a free lunch, shows that she is still all there when she asks Jennifer "Do I detect a slight atmosphere?" Go on Peggy; admit it – it was the knife sticking out of Adam's back that gave it away, wasn't it?

We had a bit of farming talk this week with David and Ruth saying that the grazing paddocks haven't produced the results they expected and Ed telling Oliver that he's worried about the forthcoming TB tests on the herd. Oliver believes the way forward is to vaccinate the badgers. He says it will have to be a voluntary scheme, which brings to mind the rather surreal image of badgers queuing up to receive their shots. Oliver also says he'll run the idea past David, as the NFU Rep. Ha! David's preferred solution would be to vaccinate the badgers with his 12-Bore.

Tom was back to his unbearable worst when some food writer for Borsetshire Life tweeted to her 8,000 followers about the piggy football video. When Tom checks his website, he finds that it has received 23,000 hits. This makes him even more big-headed and he crows "piggy football is going viral!" Get Stephen Fry to tweet it – that would be impressive.

Tom isn't so pleased when he learns that Brenda is to be excluded from the forthcoming meeting about the future of Bridge Farm and she isn't too happy either. She tells Tom of Helen's idea to use the 'Henry' brand name and he shows how open he is to discussion and reasoned debate by saying "no way – it isn't going to happen". Presumably not unless the name is 'Henry – nephew of Tom Archer'. I have had a preview of the agenda for the meeting. It reads: 1. Why Tom is right. 2. Why your opinions don't matter. 3. Let's watch the piggy football video and 4. See item 1.

Finally this week we had a mystery – some of Ed's stock got out on the road and had to be rounded up. It turned out a gate had been left open, but as the gate was so hard to move, it must have been done deliberately. Who can the culprit be? Clive? After all, everything that now goes wrong in the village, from littering to murder, is going to be blamed on him. Maybe Adam is losing it and striking a blow against the dairy industry? Or perhaps George/Frodo has graduated from being a burglar and is now trying his hand at a bit of rustling? The suspense is becoming unbearable.

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