It's Farming Dave, But Not As We Know It

Tim Bentinck (David Archer)

Poor David nearly got his head bitten off by Ruth when he passed on Brian's offer for Brookfield to grow feed for the proposed mega-dairy cows. "It's not farming," she screamed, "it's an industrial business!" No doubt when she does the milking at Brookfield, she dons a milkmaid's outfit and carries two buckets on a pole across her shoulders?

She's a bit hyper because she managed to get to talk to a supermarket milk buyer about pitching for a contract. "This could be the breakthrough we've been waiting for" she told David, "we've got a fantastic product – how can they turn us down?" Well, you could charge too much and let's not forget, at the end of the day, the 'fantastic product' is – well – it's milk.

Earlier in the week, Peggy's 87th birthday lunch went well, in that nobody stuck any cutlery in anybody else. It was encouraging that James and Leonie had had a blazing row and were barely talking to each other – perhaps they'll split up and that damn book will be forgotten. Peggy, bless her, didn't notice that half the family wasn't speaking to the other half and said how nice it was that everybody was getting on so well.

My spirits soared when Lynda was in despair over the quality of her Christmas extravaganza – surely even she would see sense and cancel it? No such luck, as Caroline came up with the idea of turning it into a cabaret, with the acts performing between courses. The only drawback seems to be that everybody in the village will be roped in to cook dishes from around the world. Tom was less than impressed when Lynda told him she had found a recipe for Norwegian Christmas sausage or similar and it wouldn't take him long to knock up…

Later in the week Lynda tells Caroline that she has saved the Christmas show – it will be a long time, if ever, before I forgive her for that.

Elizabeth has obviously had the insurance payout on Nigel, as she agrees with Shula's suggestion of buying Freddie a pony for his birthday and Lily pitches for a school trip to France as her present. In conversation with her sister, Lizzie mentions that it will soon be time for 'Deck the Halls'. God! Surely not – it seems only yesterday that we had Nigel wittering on about how magical it all was.

It was cider-making time and Jim and David turned up at the Grundy's to help. In true Grundy style, Joe didn't do anything (except tell the others to chop the apples smaller and to bang on about 'when I were a lad…'). David and Jim resisted the urge to put him in the apple chopper and were soon left on their own when Eddie mysteriously vanished.

He returned, elated because he had found a 'real pearl necklace' on the web, just in time for his and Clarrie's 30th wedding anniversary, which is the Pearl Anniversary. You might have set a dangerous precedent here Eddie and presumably you will be killing Clarrie before your 40th (Ruby), 45th (Sapphire) and 50th (Gold)? One might also ask what's the point of buying her a necklace when he never takes her anywhere so she can show it off? The poor little sod can't even wear it to work, as she's got no job. I can see it being worn for Will and Nic's wedding and then being replaced in the box and pushed to the back of the dressing table draw.

Susan is working herself into the ground, cooking and cleaning for Dad Bert and idiot brother Gary. Neil isn't happy, telling Susan that she's doing too much – presumably before handing over his pig-muck encrusted overalls to be washed and ironed and sitting down with knife and fork in hand, awaiting a cooked meal. He's worried that Bert and Gary will become dependent on Susan, as that is his job.

Back at Bridge Farm (or will it be renamed Ambridge Organics?) the relaunch has run into a problem or two, as it seems the word 'Organics' isn't flavour of the month with consumers and so the recommendation is to have the word in a smaller font, somewhere on page 43 of the brochure and definitely on the rear of the packaging, probably in Swahili.

Another time, this might have seriously upset Pat, but now she's preoccupied and distant. The reason? She confides in Kathy that she has been thinking about Kylie's younger half brother Rich, who is 13. It was around this many years ago that Sharon (Kylie's mum) briefly returned to Ambridge and had a fling with John; Pat and Tony's late son. Could John be Rich's father? Kathy says so what – let it go after all this time as no good will come of it because Eamonn (Sharon's husband) thinks he's the father.

Wise words, Kathy, but it might be nice to show that John was a real chip off the Archer block – although seemingly taking more after his non-genetically related Uncle Brian than Dad Tony.