Tuesday, 26 October 2010

Vicky Spits Her Dummy

Ryan Kelly (Jazzer McCreary)

The row over the bull calves turned ugly when Vicky suggested that they could be used for breeding as no-one wants them for veal. Ed (finally) put his foot down and said they've got to go, whereupon Vicky said it was all his fault and, had they only had some guarantee of continuity of supply, she could have sold hundreds.

She continued throwing her toys out of the pram by telling Ed he didn't know how to run a farm and she wanted a detailed invoice of costs. Fat chance – there isn't a fag packet big enough. In the end it was all sorted fairly amicably and Vicky turned up to see her boys carted off to slaughter. "I don't want to see another calf" she said, tearfully. In that case, sod off back to Birmingham, why don't you?

Elsewhere, brotherly love was in short supply when news of Emma's pregnancy got out. Will ("a chip on each shoulder") Grundy stormed round to Clarrie and Eddie and demanded "why wasn't I told?" I can think of two reasons – one, because they knew that Will would react in this way and two, it's sod-all to do with him anyway. Clarrie demonstrated why she was never accepted for the Diplomatic Corps when she asked Will "aren't you pleased for them?" to which he snarled "Ed's not fit to be a father". So we'll put that down as a 'no' then, shall we?

Helen bored the pants off Pat and Kathy over dinner about the dietary requirements of pregnant women (Pat is worried that she isn't stuffing her face). When Kathy said "you're eating for two now", Helen immediately told her that this was a myth and launched into a detailed lecture on nutrition. I swear you could almost hear the turning of the flip chart pages.

One curious thing about this dinner was that they started without Tony, who was swotting up on his cricket umpiring in another room. "He knows it's ready" said Pat when Helen asks if she should remind him again. But here's the funny thing – he never featured in the episode at all and, as far as we know, he never made it to the table. Personally, I reckon he was approaching the dining room, heard Helen pontificating and thought "sod that, I'm off down the Bull".

Helen was also waxing lyrical about the importance of exercise and how she misses her usual routine down at the gym. When Pat suggests swimming, Helen says "I need a proper workout, Mum." Good idea – I know a couple of blokes with baseball bats.

Kenton was easing his way back into everybody's good books by being caring and concerned, but this was derailed when Holly turned up and practically raped him in Jaxx's in front of Jamie, who flounced off. Well done – that's given Jamie something else to be miserable about, although there may not be enough hours in the day.

Harry continues on the path towards sainthood by putting up with Jazzer. Has Harry gone mad – after all, the flat has off-white carpets for God's sake? Jazzer proves he is a stranger to the washing up bowl, puts his pig-soiled overalls into the bath to soak, berates Harry for throwing out his chips left over from the previous night while all the time moaning about how small the place is and how the pictures of Tour de France riders will have to go. Actually, I did wonder whether we are being subtly prepared for another gay outing? Harry, take some advice: this arrangement is never going to work, so get rid of Jazzer before he starts moving the pigs in.

Nailbiting stuff in the ploughing championship stakes, as it is revealed that Bert is lying second in the County Championship with only two events left. Talk about ratcheting up the tension! By contrast, earlier in the week, there was a release of tension when it was revealed that this year's pantomime will be Dick Whittington. From the enthusiastic praise coming from Holly, I reckon Kenton should go for the part of Dick.

Finally, when Kenton was first told about the panto, he said: "I can't believe it's that time of the year again." You and me both, Kenton, you and me both.

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