The Sap Is Rising

Shortbread (Duchy Originals)

Lots of romantic (if indeed that is the word I'm looking for) activity over the past week, as well as a royal visit. However, we must address the issue of product placement, raised by listeners after the unsubtle reference to Duchy Original shortbread a few episodes ago. It has been said that, if references are made to products on the air, or in print or, say, in a blog, then the author might receive unsolicited gifts of said product, but I am not convinced.

So let's start off with Valentine's Day, when David sent Ruth a card and a bouquet of red roses – thank God for Clinton Cards and Interflora, eh David! Ruth was less pleased when David revealed that he would be driving General Custard (Nigel's favourite bull) up to his new home in Scotland – an expansive farm not a million miles from the Glenlivet distillery. This would mean missing part of Pip's 18th birthday and Ruth put her foot down, making David reschedule the trip. "You're not taking the brand new, top of the range Range Rover up to Scotland" she might have said.

Harry and Jazzer go on their double date and Harry's girl turns out to be – how can I put this? – a contender for Cruft's. "You don't look at the mantelpiece when you stoke the fire" is Jazzer's sensitive advice, although he changes his tune when his date makes it plain that she fancies Harry. Jazzer suggests they scarper when the girls are in the loo, but Harry says "we can't just leave". Jazzer can't get his head round this and legs it, leaving Harry to explain that Jazzer has left because he wasn't feeling well.

Later on in the week, Harry is plagued by texts from the girls, begging for a date (I'm starting to hate him) but Jazzer, who is to new-manhood what King Herod was to babysitting, solves the problem by grabbing Harry's phone (probably an iPhone 5) and texting back "not interested". Sometimes you have to be cruel to be – well, cruel, I suppose.

Elsewhere on the romantic front, Kenton and Jolene go out to lunch, ostensibly to compare notes about how they both did business-wise on Valentine's Day. After lunch, Kenton suggests another cup of Douwe Egbert coffee, but Jolene would rather go for a walk, presumably to break in her new Nike trainers. On the walk she goes into raptures about seeing catkins and invites Kenton to a gig on Wednesday. He agrees, but later on in the week, when being teased by Kirsty about going on dates with Jolene, he starts to have second thoughts and is worried that he might seem to be hitting on Jolene with Sid dead barely a year.

And so to Pip's birthday. She is delighted with her present from Mum and Dad. "It's a Ka!" she screams, although it could have been a Rolls Royce, and promptly volunteered to run the boys to school, or at least to the bus stop. Careful Pip – you could be making a rod for your own back. Maybe she should watch out for Elizabeth too – as Pip thanked her aunt for her birthday earrings (and a nodding cow for the car), she expressed misgivings about being so happy when Elizabeth was still grieving, to which Lizzie replied "Enjoy it – enjoy it while you can." I was put in mind of an old film scene, where two thick-set men with bulges under their armpit visit an old man in his shop and say things like "nice shop this, Grandad – shame if anything were to happen to it".

Roy and Hayley are still having trouble with Kate and Phoebe's projected visit to South Africa. Eventually it was decided that Phoebe should leave school a week early and fly out with Kate, returning on her own later. Presumably they will be flying BA – First Class, preferably.

Of course, the main event of the week was the visit to Grey Gables of the Duchess of Cornwall and her chance to be presented to Lynda Snell. As it turned out, it was a chance missed, as Lynda was in the Ladies' when the DofC was ushered into the hotel. Why was Lynda missing? She was sponging off correction fluid (Tippex, no doubt) from her jacket.

Poor Lynda was mortified at not seeing Camilla and her distress was compounded further when she learnt that the DofC had spoken to Susan and Clarrie in the crowd outside. To make matters worse, Ian was presented to Camilla and complimented on his cooking. "All I have to look forward to is a lonely bike ride home (on my brand new Raleigh)" Lynda told husband Robert on the phone. And we don't even know if she had a glass of Moet & Chandon to compensate.

But all was not lost, as her bike chain came off on the way home and, as Lynda stood there, face streaked with (Three-in-One) oil, the DofC's black Daimler car swept past and Camilla gave Lynda a smile and a regal wave. Lynda was overcome, although I would love to know how many fingers were involved…

Last Orders For The Bull?

Ian Pepperell (Roy Tucker)

At Brookfield, Ruth is getting more and more frustrated, telling Pip "I'm not sure how much longer I can go on working like this." David tells her he cannot let Elizabeth down but Ruth practically chains him to the computer to make him find a car for Pip's birthday. A car? I thought farming was going through a tough time?

Pip continues to be well-behaved and a credit to the farm and her role as petulant, whiner-in-chief seems to have been taken up by Phoebe. Last week I warned that Kate had been too quiet since her return and this week she stuck her oar in big time, causing mayhem and creating havoc when she told Phoebe that she could go with her to South Africa at Easter. Phoebe couldn't wait to tell Roy and Hayley; "They'll be so pleased" she said, excitedly.

Er, not really, as it turned out. Apart from the financial aspect (no worries – Kate had already put the bite on Brian) there was the small matter of Phoebe missing time at school. Last time Kate took Phoebe out on a school day, Roy and Hayley got a stiff letter of rebuke. And that was just for one day – presumably an absence of a week or two would result in a good thrashing or loss of a limb. Once again Kate and Roy/Hayley are at daggers drawn and Phoebe, who seems to have inherited her mother's inability to think about consequences for anyone other than herself, cannot understand what all the fuss is about. Personally I think Kate should take her – tomorrow preferably – and both stay in South Africa permanently.

Over at Lower Loxley, David has made a rod for his own back – by doing such a good job, the Trustees are content to let Lizzie soldier on without bringing in a manager. "I think they'll leave us alone" says Lizzie and David, heart presumably sinking at the 'us', tells her "I'll do whatever I can". Ruth will be pleased. As if David doesn't have enough to do, Lewis has gone down with bronchitis. Freddie and Lily also inadvertently heap more pressure on David by telling Lizzie that they don't want a stranger in Daddy's chair when she brings up the subject of a manager.

The Pargetter tendency to make your children do dangerous things had obviously been passed on to Nigel, as Freddie revealed this week that Nigel used to let him ride on the back of his favourite bull. Not during the mating season, I hope.

Pat and Kathy are firm friends once again and Pat says "What a relief – I thought you were never going to speak to me again." What an opportunity missed - there are people who would pay good money never to have Kathy talk to them again.

Planning permission for the new market has been granted and Lillian tells Brian of AmSide's vision of the future – the market is just the beginning and she has ambitions of creating a sort of Milton Keynes, from the sound of it. Brian is alarmed when Lil tells him that Matt "made sure the planning was passed" and cries off the celebratory drinks party. Just as well really, as a drinking session with Lillian could mean a new liver is needed. "Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Brian asks, obviously stunned at the thought that Matt – this is the same Matt who has just served time for fraud, let's not forget – would do anything underhand. As if.

Matt is still keen to get his hands on the Bull and has a quiet word with Jolene, uttering such encouraging phrases as "it must be hard to make a living from a pub nowadays" and (undoubtedly less truthfully) "you'd get a good price from me." While Matt doesn't actually leave the Dignitas brochure and a one-way air ticket to Switzerland on Jolene's table, he isn't cheering her up any. I have a vision of Matt going outside and setting up "pub closed" and "diversion" signs, while Jolene wonders where all the customers have gone.

She has at least one customer, however, as Harry is in the bar, telling her that he and Jazzer are going out on a double date. Will Harry never get it on with Fallon? Apparently the girl after whom Jazzer is currently lusting won't go out with him on her own. Very wise move, I'd say – not only would I want some company, but I'd also take along a Rottweiler, a rape alarm, a large hammer and a can of mace; having first handcuffed Jazzer to his chair of course.

Famous Last Words

Felicity Finch (Ruth Archer)

Helen decided to go back to the flat this week, much against Tony's wishes: "You tell her Pat – it's madness!" he rants. Gosh yes – the flat's so far away; in an emergency it might take as long as five minutes to get there. Ever the realist, Pat says that they can't stop Helen doing what she wants. She also adds, in a statement that surprised nobody, that Helen was "a really grouchy baby". Henry, however, is a little angel and Helen is sure that she can cope.

Wrong again Hel! Every time she leaves Henry he howls and, on Friday, when Ian turns up, she is still in her pyjamas and at the end of her tether. Saint Ian takes charge and looks after Henry while Helen takes a shower. Ha! Motherhood's not the piece of cake that you thought, is it Helen? Never mind, they say that the first 30 years are the worst.

More famous last words from David as he tells Ruth: "I feel as if I've really got on top of things at Lower Loxley." So confident is he, that he tells Brian that his services are no longer required at Brookfield and they can cope from now on, thank you very much. Ruth is less than chuffed to hear that Brian has been given the heave-ho and reminds David that lambing starts in two weeks. You can just hear a faint "no worries" carrying back on the breeze as David shoots off to Lower Loxley again.

Sadly, the Titanic that is David's confidence is shortly to come into contact with the iceberg that is Nigel's filing system. Bank statements are filed under 'S', for 'statements', which is one of his more logical moves. "Try 'Tiddles'," suggests Elizabeth, as David is tearing his hair out, trying to guess one of Nigel's passwords. "In his head it all made perfect sense", adds Elizabeth, which speaks volumes about the inside of Nigel's head.

Anyway, all this makes David late back at Brookfield, where Ruth has a go at him and says sarcastically "You might like to know that your daughter passed her driving test." At least David didn't say "what daughter is that?" Pip is going through one of her helpful phases, putting up the lambing pens (well, David hasn't got time to do it). He also neglected to get in any of the veterinary stuff needed for lambing. Ruth is doing her impression of a pressure cooker and if I were David, I'd be very careful about what I said around her. The sheep might have to learn to cross their legs as well.

A scenario that seemed ripe for disaster was the Barrington-Hughes' wedding, with Kenton saying that everything is under control and telling Elizabeth "Lewis and I can handle this wedding, I promise you". We all smiled knowingly and sat back, waiting for the inevitable disaster and – it didn't happen. Lewis described Kenton's MC-ing as "absolutely wonderful" and Kenton told Jolene that the wedding had been "a triumph". It's nice for Kenton to do something right, especially after the embarrassing start to the week, when he ran into Kathy and it transpired that he had forgotten her birthday. She was quite short with him, which seems a tad unfair – if you throw someone out of the house, you can't really expect them to buy you a big present. Whatever next? Will she put his goolies in the mangle if he doesn't get her a Valentine's Day bouquet?

One scene I'd like to see is a meeting between Matt and Elizabeth, in which he explains his suggestions for running Lower Loxley. So far he has said (not to Elizabeth) that a manager should be brought in and this week he suggested to Brian that Lizzie should sell off bits of the Pargetter estate – to AmSide, no doubt. After you with the mangle, Kathy!

I am becoming increasingly apprehensive about Kate – we have been told that she is back from South Africa, yet we have heard nothing from her. I'm conscious, however, that she is there, like the sword of Damocles, or a garden rake in the long grass and it worries me.

Have you also noticed that Oliver seems to have gone AWOL again? You'd have thought that he would have been around to celebrate this week's big news, which is the impending visit to Grey Gables by the Duchess of Cornwall. Lynda is distraught when she realises that she will not be on duty on the day of The Visit (February 16th in case you want to send your Union flag to the dry cleaner's). Perhaps they should take the DofC to Brookfield as part of her visit – after all, she is a country girl at heart and, by my calculations, she should be right on time to help out with the lambing.

Clarrie Turns Nasty

Rosalind Adams (Clarrie Grundy)

Well, nasty for her, anyway. She wants to get to the dairy before Vicky "to keep the upper hand" as she puts it. Before Clarrie goes, Emma turns up, obviously racked by guilt and worried that Nic is getting her feet firmly under the table, "to see if there's anything you need". "Too late now," says Clarrie, in her stern voice, "it was when I had the plaster on that I needed help." So that's told you Emma – even the fact that you are carrying Clarrie's grandchild doesn't give you brownie points.

At the dairy, Clarrie accidentally (?) doesn't tell Vicky the correct way to load up the van and then berates her for making a mistake, calling it "a novice's error" when Pat asks what's up. Mind you, Vicky has her own problems, having snagged a fingernail. Quick! Where's the accident book?

Pat decides to keep them apart and moves Clarrie into the cheese-making room, where Clarrie learns that Vicky will be gone by the weekend and promptly offers to bake a cake for the farewell tea.

Food figured prominently last week – the farmhouse breakfasts at the Bull went down a storm, with seemingly the entire village turning out for a fry-up. Even Lizzie turned up with Freddie and Lily, who were promptly offered by Jolene a hot chocolate, with chocolate flake, cream and marshmallows, presumably followed by a sick bag and a cholesterol test. On Sunday evening, Lizzie gets emotional when listening to the quarter peal of bells, arranged by Neil in Nigel's memory. Freddie, who is rapidly turning into his Dad, says that he'd like to learn to ring the bells someday. You're better off drinking it Freddie.

Harry and Jazzer's Burns, Night supper was a great success, with Harry's haggis turning out perfectly (of course). Jazzer addresses the haggis (presumably along the lines of 'what're you looking at, haggis?') and everyone has a good time, apart from Emma, who can't eat haggis and has OD'd on shortbread, anyway. Poor Harry is totally shagged out and not looking forward to an early start next day when Jazzer reveals that he has invited a load of friends along for an all-nighter. What a pal!

Back at Lower Loxley, Lizzie moves into control freak (or, as I like to call it, 'Helen') mode, despatching David to help Reg run the Estate and Rare Breeds. David is rapidly cruising towards a nervous breakdown due to his insistence on arranging the Barrington-Hughes wedding single-handedly, making basic errors back at Brookfield and snapping at Kenton. You can tell how the strain is getting to him, when Mrs B-H calls his mobile just as he is trying to do something complicated on the farm. "Blast!" he yells, after the call is over. I say, steady on, David! Eventually David sees sense (two weeks later than five million listeners) and lets Kenton and Lewis handle the wedding, while he concentrates on what he knows best, which is presumably sticking his arm up a cow's bum.

Lizzie is working all hours, David is running himself ragged and Ruth can barely cope – what with Lizzie's history of a weak heart, we could be on for another funeral soon as the Archer family runs itself into the ground and Jill worries about all of them.

And so to young Henry, who leaves the safety of hospital and is paraded round Ambridge, where he is unfortunate enough to be introduced to Eddie. Pip is besotted with Henry, saying "he's got such a smiley face." It's probably just wind, or sheer terror as he sees more and more of his extended family. However, there's worse to come, as Tony, who brought Helen and Henry home from hospital, says of his grandson "he's got my sense of humour". If that's the case, I reckon it would be a kindness to shoot the poor little sod right now. 

Brian Admires David's Bullocks

Tim Bentinck (David Archer)

The admiration came when Brian arrived at Brookfield to do the strawing down, which is one of the few moments that David wasn't working. You can't help feeling sorry for David – if he's not working at Brookfield, he's finding that organising a wedding isn't as easy as it sounds. To top it off, Bert went home with a bad back; you just can't get the staff nowadays and these 70- or 80-year olds have no stamina.

Mind you, it's David's own fault, as people keep offering assistance (Kenton, Lewis, Pip) and all are rudely rebuffed, with David saying "I can cope" through increasingly tighter-gritted teeth. Oh yeah? Got the banner down yet David?

When Lewis offered to help, David said "you've got the Gallery to look after." Gosh yes, that's a full-time job, opening the doors in the morning and locking them again at night – he must be exhausted.

It doesn't help that Nigel's filing system is described as 'idiosyncratic' by Lewis – no doubt he filed everything under 'L' for 'letter'. Lizzie is itching to get back to work – she is probably upset by the sobbing and hysterical cries as David finds another sheaf of letters neatly filed in the bread bin. Jill suggests that she gets a temporary manager in, but Lizzie won't hear of it.

Just to add to David's workload, he took over as Chair of the local NFU branch on Thursday. He didn't fall asleep during his acceptance speech and a subsequent conversation about global warming and farming (although I did), but he did nod off in the car going home. Lucky he wasn't driving.

Apart from David working himself to death, what else has been happening around Ambridge? Kathy was having a moan to Pat about Jamie, who doesn't fancy further education and just wants to sit around all day playing computer games. Well take the bloody thing away from him, woman! Pat, with the air of someone slowly coming to her senses, tells Kathy that, with Helen bringing Henry home next week, everybody will be frantically busy and would Kathy mind restricting her meal visits to one evening a week? You could almost hear Tony saying "Yippee!" in the background.

So who will Kathy pour her heart out to now? Who wants to be the one to listen to her constant whingeing? May I humbly suggest Vicky? That should wipe the smirk off her face, although I doubt she'd be listening anyway.

Jim also has education on his mind, wanting to talk to Daniel about his A-level options. Daniel is keeping out of the way, presumably not wanting to offend Jim by telling him that he doesn't really want to do Latin, Greek and Etruscan.

Going back to Vicky, her surprise party for Brenda went surprisingly well and Brenda was quite gracious in the end, although Tom was having kittens that Vicky would bang on about babies (she didn't). At the party, Harry revealed a masochistic bent when he suggested to Jazzer that they host a Burns' Night supper at the flat. Far be it for me to impugn Jazzer's patriotism but I'm willing to bet that the nearest he has got to an authentic Burns' Night supper recently is a bag of haggis-flavoured crisps and a can of Scottish lager.

But back to Vicky, who tells Helen that she needs to be careful, or else she (Vicky) will run away with young Henry. I didn't think it possible that I could feel even more sympathetic towards Henry, but my heart went out to him when I heard that. Imagine having to choose between Helen and Vicky as a mother – I think I'd pick the Nigel/roof option as soon as I could walk, or crawl even.

Everyone Rallies Round

Souad Faress (Usha Franks)

Lower Loxley must be bursting at the seams, there are so many people helping out and visiting Elizabeth. One of the latter was Usha, in whom Lizzie confided that she was having trouble in choosing material for the funeral service. Usha suggested that Lizzie made it a celebration of Nigel's life and what about having his favourite poems as readings? That conjured up the surreal image of the congregation of St Stephen's lustily singing "Twinkle, twinkle, little star".

Lizzie demonstrated the Archer control freak gene by wondering if David and Lewis were running the business properly. Surely, if Nigel could cope, how hard can it be?

There was also the "will they, won't they?" saga of whether Freddie and Lily would attend the funeral. Jill was adamant that they should go, she having been denied the chance to say 'goodbye' to her own mother at the age of seven, and, under a combined Archer/Franks campaign of nagging and emotional blackmail, Lizzie gave in.

The funeral went off well, with Kenton (a last-minute draftee speaker) getting them rolling in the aisles, or rather, aisle. He certainly showed why 'funeral' is an anagram of 'real fun'. Afterwards Lizzie thanked him, saying "You brought Nigel to life", which is a neat trick at a funeral. She also took Freddie and Lily up on the Treetop Walk, presumably to get them in training for the traditional Pargetter rooftop excursions when they are older.

David is spending most of his time at Lower Loxley and he assumes the Chair of the NFU branch next week. Better get that bulk order for Pro-Plus in now, Dave! But don't despair, as people are rallying round at Brookfield too, with Brian even cancelling going to a conference. Ruth tells David that Brian is looking forward to doing some "hands on farming" again. I'd be careful Ruth – the last time Brian was 'hands on', Siobhan got pregnant.

Instead of David helping at Lower Loxley and Brian helping at Brookfield, wouldn't it have been better for Brian to help Elizabeth instead of people wandering all over Borsetshire, standing in for each other?

Away from the funeral, we had a bit of light relief with Joe dressed in a sheet, pretending to be a Druid and impregnating Sabrina Thwaite with mistletoe. I'm sorry, that last bit should read "impregnate Sabrina Thwaite's apple tree with mistletoe". Good old Joe – this mistletoe impregnation is cock-eyed if you ask me.

Elsewhere, super sleuth Susan Carter tells Vicky of her theory that Henry's father is really Ian. Not only is his middle name Ian, but apparently "he's got Ian's chin". Zut alors, inspector! That proves it!

Speaking of young Henry, Helen says wistfully "I haven't even been able to bathe him yet". What? You mean he's two weeks' old and can't even bathe himself yet? Shape up lad!

Vicky is reverting to annoying mode and planning a surprise 30th birthday party for Brenda. Tom is taking her to Berlin for a few days and keeps dropping hints that Brenda wouldn't want a party, especially when Vicky asks what sort of games Brenda likes. If Brenda finds out about the party, I reckon Hangman would be favourite; that or Murder in the Dark.

A promising story line is Matt's plan to take the Bull off Jolene's hands (at a rock bottom price of course), knock it down and build flats. Lillian is aghast when he tells her, saying "but everyone would hate me". This of course isn't a problem for Matt and he is probably already having the nameplate prepared: "Judas Court" or "Pariah Towers" both have a nice ring to them. Good job he didn't tell her of his plan to torch St Stephen's, buy up the burned-out site and erect condominiums. Never mind, perhaps in the meantime he can find some widows or orphans to evict – best to keep him away from Lower Loxley for a while.

Returning to Lily and Freddie, they took Nigel's death very well and, brave little soldiers that they are, they both said that they want to take the Cathedral School entrance exams. "It's for Daddy" said Freddie. OK, he's only a youngster, so I can forgive the use of 'daddy' for now. But be warned – if he doesn't quickly grow out of it, or if I once hear him utter the word 'bravo', then it's a quick trip up to the roof for him, I'm afraid.

Guilt Trips

Graham Seed (Nigel Pargetter)

So now we know – the 60th anniversary blockbuster episode has come and gone and caused much debate and controversy.

It all began with Amy not liking the look of Helen (join the club) and advising her to get to hospital fast. Tony took her literally and rushed through the streets of Felpersham like Lewis Hamilton on speed. Was there going to be an accident as the promised apocalyptic event? If so, we could have got rid of Helen and Tony, thereby radically reducing the misery quotient of the village at one fell swoop. True, we would also have lost Tom, Pat and Amy, but you can't make omelettes…

But it was not to be, as Helen was diagnosed with pre-eclampsia, had an emergency delivery and was presented with a bouncing baby boy, who she named Henry Ian. Tony immediately became besotted with his new grandson, having spent all the time that Helen was in surgery deep in guilt ("I've been against this every step of the way") and berating himself for being a miserable git and not supporting his daughter at all. Don't be so hard on yourself Tony – that's what I'm here for.

His about turn was the biggest conversion since St. Paul's and he is fast becoming a baby bore, describing Henry as "the most beautiful baby in the world". But hang on, as later on in the week, there was a suggestion that young Henry looks like Tony, so which is it?

Anyway, exciting as Henry's entry into the world was, it wasn't the apocalyptic event we were promised, although Helen did describe herself later as 'a control freak and a know-it all'. Surely not? So back we go to Lower Loxley, where the party had gone a bit flat and David and Nigel were at a loose end. The conversation went something like this:

Nigel: Let's have some champagne

David: If we got the banner down off the roof tonight, that would save me coming over tomorrow.

N: What, you mean going up on the roof in the dark?

D: And the wind and frost, which will make it slippery.

N: It's a bit rusty too, but what a Whizzo idea! Bravo! Let's do it. I'll present Lizzie with a fait accompli.

They climb up on to the roof and Nigel reveals that he has been clambering over the roof of Lower Loxley for years, encouraged by his father. This was probably the same father who urged him to play with the electric fire in the bath or introduced him to the sport of catching the javelin.

To all our astonishment, Nigel slipped off the roof and the episode ended with a blood-curdling scream while we wondered "is he dead, or will he be lucky and land on his head?" It was the next night when we realised that fait accompli was Latin for 'flattened corpse' and it was goodnight Nigel, who'd gone to meet Mummy and Daddy. We never did find out if the bloody banner came down, or if it's still up there, flapping.

If I might digress here, I'd like to return to the scream. The Radio 4 statistics programme 'More or Less' measured the duration and it was 3.5 seconds (although drastically reduced for the Sunday omnibus). Ignoring air resistance, they calculated that this meant that Lower Loxley must be 60m high, which is around the height of York Minster, and indicates that LL is at least 20 stories, which stretches credulity past breaking point. I reckon the actor playing Nigel thought "if I'm going, I'll make it a good 'un".

Anyway, that was the shock we were all promised and many people were upset. Come on; yes it's true that Nigel was a nice bloke, although he had his faults (the 657-page appendix will be available later) and, let's be honest, he was drippier than an ice cream in a heatwave. If you think that's cruel, what about the comment of a friend of mine, who said "why couldn't he have landed on Helen?"? No doubt you could supply your own favourite target(s).

With Nigel gone, it was time to pick up the pieces as everybody rallied round to make sure that Lizzie never had a moment alone to check where the insurance policies were kept. It's not all bad news, though, as presumably Freddie and Lily will be released from the past exam papers prison and will see daylight once again.

It was now time for the guilt trips to kick in, the heaviest of which was David's. And rightly so – it was, after all, his suggestion that he and Nigel should do some nocturnal mountaineering. Word of advice, David – don't tell Lizzie it was your idea. The next Archer to feel guilty was Kenton, as it was his idea to put the banner up there in the first place (incidentally, it was one of his 'sailor's knots' which Nigel found so difficult to undo). Well done the two Archer lads!

Then we had Ruth, who was feeling guilty because she was grateful that it wasn't David who took the quick way down, and the entire Bridge Farm spur of the Archer family, who feel bad because they are feeling so happy about Henry Ian.

Finally, we have the people who are telling Lizzie (or anybody else) that they know what she's going through, as they've been there. So we have Shula (Mark), Jolene (Sid) and Alan (his late wife, Catherine). Alan is trying to get some idea from Lizzie what she wants for the funeral and he says "Love doesn't die."

I don't know about you, but that sounds like a title of a Lloyd-Webber musical. What other songs could we have? Here are a few suggestions: Slip Slidin' Away (Paul Simon); Falling (Roy Orbison); Let's Hang On (Four Seasons); Catch Us If You Can (Dave Clark Five); I Should Have Known Better (Jim Diamond) and, of course, the blockbusting, rousing finale: Up On The Roof (Drifters).