It’s Not really Anything To Do With You, Rob

June Spencer OBE (Peggy Woolley)

Peggy wants to talk to Tom about her Will, which is lucky, as he wants to talk to her. She feels that she has made a terrible mistake in cutting her children out of the Will and she fees guilty that it might have been a factor in Tony’s accident - if he hadn’t felt so worthless, he might not have bought Otto the bull, which trampled him. Tom isn’t convinced and says that he was as much to blame, whereas we all know that it was Johnny’s inability to look after Henry that sparked the whole incident off, so blame him.

Tom goes with Peggy to see Helen and Rob, where Peggy explains that she will divide her estate between Tony, Jennifer and Lilian and she apologises to Helen because she won’t now get The Lodge. Helen assures her that this doesn’t matter, but Rob, who isn’t family, strictly speaking, disagrees, saying that The Lodge represents security for Helen and Henry’s future. Peggy says that surely him marrying Helen is her security and Tom says that surely he wouldn’t want Helen’s future to be dependent on Peggy’s death? They could have added that it’s nothing to do with you Rob, so butt out.

After Tom and Peggy have gone, Rob tells Helen that he thinks Tom is behind all this and he is surprised when she doesn’t agree with him. Helen says that Rob is doing so well that he’ll look after them. Let’s pause here and ask ourselves why Tom should want the Will changed - as things stand, Helen would get The Lodge and Tom would get everything else, so why would he want it altered?

It was a week of meetings for the Bridge Farm wing of the Archer clan, as on Friday Pat, Helen and Tom met to discuss the future of Ambridge Organics. Helen makes it clear that she feels she cannot run the shop and properly fulfil her commitment to Rob and Henry (what the hell does she have to do for them, for heaven’s sake?). Pat is not impressed, asking her daughter if she thinks that no-one else has ever had to juggle a job and a family and is Rob behind this decision? Looking for support, Pat asks Tom what he thinks and is appalled when he says that perhaps they ought to think about shutting it down. Her mood is not improved when Helen chips in “That’s what Rob suggested”. Tom reminds them that they will have to talk it over with Tony and hear what he has to say. It’s obviously not just Tom’s voice that has changed, but his character, as a year or so back, he wouldn’t have listened to anything Tony had to say and, if he did listen, he’d have done exactly what he wanted anyway.

Over at Brookfield, relations between David and Rooooth are frosty, to say the least. He keeps trying to engage his wife in looking forward to the future, saying things like “Robotic milking makes sense” and “This could be a blessing in disguise - let’s use this opportunity to start again”. Rooooth is amazed that he is asking her opinion now, having made the unilateral decision not to leave Brookfield, and she cannot really believe that having the farm split in two by a road represents much of an opportunity.

David has told Elizabeth and Shula about his decision and they are both supportive and pleased for him. Later on in the week, Rooooth calls on Usha to talk things through and says “Sometimes it feels like the whole bloody Archer clan are lined up against me”. Just wait till Kenton gets back home Rooooth and finds out that there will be no sale and no cash for him - you’ll have an Archer on your side for sure. And don’t swear.

Usha suggests that, for David to act as he did, he must have been convinced that he was right and, difficult as it seems, she is certain that David and Rooooth can get over this. Rooooth is not so sure - Pip is really angry and the boys are quiet “It feels like David has betrayed me” and “it feels like the family is breaking apart.” She is dreading telling Heather but what can she do? She can’t abandon her mum but “How can I choose between my mum and my family?” Well, I suppose you could consider who pays your wages, where you live and exactly what you would do if you moved back to live with your mother, for a start.

Kate continues to annoy me, and I am not alone. Having demanded her cottage back, she now wants it completely redecorated and mentions in passing that she has been consulting with Lynda about Feng Shui. Kate tries to engage Phoebe in choosing the decoration, with a singular lack of success (“It’s just a room” says Phoebe). Kate protests that “It’s your room in our home” but Phoebe counters with “In your cottage” and “I haven’t said I want any of this”. Phoebe is waiting for Hayley to come round and, when she does, Phoebe says “Hi mum, let’s go upstairs”. Kate, who has been asking about colours etc, says “You haven’t answered my question”, to which Phoebe replies “We’ll talk it over later, Kate”. Notice that? Hayley is ‘mum’ and Kate is ‘Kate’. Still, never mind, it’s an improvement on ‘pathetic loser’ and ‘self-obsessed, pretentious cow’.

Brian is another one who Kate is annoying, as she spoils his lunch by banging on about decorating and he tells her he wants his lunch in peace. A bit later, Kate confides to Jennifer that she is a bit short of cash. Jennifer suggests she asks Brian (it appears that, like the Queen, Jennifer doesn’t carry cash) and Kate says that he has been a bit anti about the cost of doing up the cottage. Brian appears at this moment and suggests that Kate gets a job. This upsets her and Brian says that he is not willing to be a cash machine, at which Kate storms out, shouting “You just don’t get it at all”. Quite right Kate and, when it comes to cash, neither do you, it seems.

While all this is going on, Phoebe is desperately trying - with a marked lack of success - to prevent Hayley and Roy going ahead with the planned divorce, telling Grandfather Mike that she just wants things to be back as they were (by which I presume she means ‘without Kate’) and bursts into tears. Mike is surprised, as this is the first he has heard talk of a divorce. “You just cry as much as you like” he tells her, and with Kate as your biological mother, who wouldn’t?

The news of David’s change of heart hasn’t been made public - David reveals that he had a call from Justin Eliot, who was very polite, although he described it as “a golden opportunity spurned”. Justin obviously told Charlie Thomas as, at a chance meeting with David, Charlie says “Look who it is - the man who threw away £7 million”. David tries to explain that it was never just about the money, but Charlie says that letting sentiment interfere with business is never a good idea and he asks “What’s it like up there on the moral high ground?” David’s reply (“Goodbye Charlie”) was quite restrained in the circumstances. Mine would have meant the same but have been one word longer.

Surprisingly, Charlie exhibited his caring side when talking to Ed. Charlie asked if Ed could get him some logs and Ed said that he would ask his dad. Meanwhile, Ed said that he no longer wanted to rent the 50 acres from the Estate, as he had sold his cows. Charlie says that he has to give 12 months’ notice and, as he missed the 1^st January 2015 deadline, he’ll have to give it from January next year, which means he’ll be paying rent till December 2017. Ed explains that he’s saving to get married and is there nothing that can be done? Charlie promises to have a word with his Agent.

Later on, Ed tracks Charlie down to tell him that Eddie will deliver the logs tomorrow and has Charlie had a chance to talk to his Agent yet about the lease? Charlie confirms that Ed will have to give a year’s notice but there is an alternative: if Ed agrees to keep the Estate’s hedges neat and trimmed during the notice period, that will suffice instead of rent. A delighted Ed agrees at once. So why is Charlie being so nice? He says that “We try to have good relations with our neighbours” but I have a sneaking suspicion that, when Ed looks into it, he will find that the Estate has something like 500 miles of hedges around its land.

Better Dig Out The Hard Hat, David

Tim Bentinck (David Archer)

We had a week of being drip fed David’s gradual change of heart over the sale of Brookfield - first of all he found old farm diaries from the 1930s, than he dragged Rooooth round the farm to see a hedge that Phil had layered way back in the mists of antiquity. Rooooth is keen for him to approve the plans for the new robotic milking parlour, but he pleads being knackered after a hard week’s lambing.

David talks things over with the Herefords, but the straw that broke David’s back was the toy farm that he donated to the SAVE jumble sale - he realises that he cannot bear to part with it and tries to track down the buyer to buy it back. As it turns out, he doesn’t have to, as Hilary Noakes threw it out before the sale began, as it was a bit tatty. This annoyed me, as I had the title ‘David buys the farm’ in mind, but he rummages through the bins and finds the farm for nothing.

The toy farm is just a symbol, as David realises that he cannot bear to leave Brookfield and “It isn’t just about profits and the obscene amount of money that Justin offered us”. He also tells his mother that he heard his Dad speaking to him earlier and he thought he was going mad, then Jill demonstrated that this is obviously genetic, as she says that she talks to Phil all the time. “And does he answer?” asks David, to which she replies “Of course he does.” (You keep them talking and remove all sharp objects and I’ll fetch the nurse and the screens…)

It is a great relief to David to finally admit that he could never leave Brookfield (even if this was six months later than five million listeners) but he tells Jill that there’s ‘another huge question’ “Rooooth?” she replies, and he agrees, saying “How am I going to tell her?” 

I submit that this is just the tip of the iceberg and that David is in for an interesting time in the near future - true, Rooooth is keen to start afresh in Northumberland and she wants to be nearer her ailing mother, but she’s not the only one who is going to be disappointed. Let’s think; Pip is wandering around with new tractor brochures and is keen to get the robotic milking established; Kenton has already spent part of his inheritance on business class flights to Oz and is keen to buy Lilian out of The Bull, he has also promised to help Fallon with her business, so she’s another one who is going to be disappointed (not to mention Jolene). Lilian really needs this money as well, having been cleaned out by Matt.

Justin Eliot isn’t likely to be best pleased either, especially if his architect bills him for the work he has done so far on redeveloping Brookfield; Shula will have to put her plans for an equine swimming pool on hold, while Elizabeth (who has said that her share will give her financial security and banish her money worries) will have to go back to biting her fingernails. Who else will David’s decision upset? There’s Heather, of course, who was looking forward to a bit of attention from her daughter, plus the people selling the farm in Northumberland will no doubt be a tad annoyed at being messed about for so long. I just hope that the rep who took the order for the robotic milking parlour hasn’t booked an exotic holiday in anticipation of the commission he won’t now be earning.

At this rate, the only ‘people’ who will be talking to David are the Herefords and his late father. No - I forgot Eddie (who will presumably be able to continue working at Brookfield) and Bert (whose worries about being evicted will have evaporated); neither of whom is the most scintillating conversationalist in the world.

Elsewhere, we learn that Shula lied to PC Burns about what happened between Rob and the hunt saboteur and, as she tells Caroline, it is causing her something of a crisis of confidence. Shula feels that she has to confront Rob and tell him what an impossible position he put her in. He cannot see what she is getting so worked up about and is just pleased that he has got away with it. Later on, Shula talks again to Caroline and says how spooked she was by Rob’s attitude. “He seems to believe that he really was the victim - he can’t concede that he was in the wrong.” “That’s unhealthy” Caroline answers and Shula says “I don’t like it - I’ve seen another side to him.”

After giving Helen his total support for working at Ambridge Organics earlier, Rob’s manipulative side comes to the fore when Helen comes home late after a busy day at the shop. Henry is acting up (Rob has probably got him wired up to the mains) and Rob tells Helen that Henry is missing his mother. This makes Helen think and she says that her life has moved on and she doesn’t want to devote so much time to the shop. “It’s your call” Rob tells her, somewhat mendaciously, adding “What do we do next?” Helen doesn’t know, but - surprise, surprise, - Rob has a radical solution; why not get rid of it and sell it? Helen is immediately taken with the idea, saying “Why couldn’t I see it? It’s obvious”. I can’t help feeling that Tom and Pat (and Tony, whose convalescence is progressing nicely, thank you for asking) might see things somewhat differently.

Ed is in the money after selling off his cows; indeed, it was a good week for the Grundys, as George won a pancake race at The Bull. Commentating on the event, Kenton urges everyone to stick around as “We have the afternoon’s big attraction; the Boudicca of Ambridge herself; Jennifer Aldridge!” This is a reference to Jennifer’s outstanding performance on Radio Borsetshire last week and it gets up the nose of Lynda Snell, who keeps reminding people that SAVE is a team effort and she is taken aback when Jim tells her that the Press will be turning up to cover Jennifer’s speech and Lynda is even more miffed when Jennifer gives a rousing speech and is cheered to the echo by the crowd.

We come now to the ’getting the wrong end of the stick’ award for last week, so step forward Roy Tucker and take a bow. Hayley is making a visit to Ambridge and meets Susan, who is keen to pump her for information about what she’s doing there. Susan keeps prattling on about what’s been happening in the village while Hayley has been in Brum until Hayley makes an excuse and leaves. Roy comes out of his house and invites Hayley in - he is delighted to see her and says how good it is to see her back where she belongs and “Please say you’re coming back - I’ve missed you so much.” He wants them to all be together again and begs for another chance. 

Are we in for a touching reunion and reconciliation, we asked? Er, not exactly, as Hayley says “I can’t come back Roy - I’ve thought long and hard.” This sounds clear enough to me, but obviously not to Roy, who says “Don’t say I’ve lost you.” And indeed, she doesn’t, but dashes his hopes completely when she tells him “Sorry, but it’s gone too far - I want a divorce.” 

Finally, the pancake race reminded me that we are now in Lent (Shula has given up biscuits for the duration) and it occurs to me that we do not seem to have had the usual deranged idea from the mad vicar Alan Franks to mark the festival and plague his parishioners for the 40 days, or have I missed something? 

Has Shula Grassed Rob Up?

Judy Bennett (Shula Hebden Lloyd)

Fun and games at the Hunt when Rob spots a hunt saboteur with a camera. Rob confronts the sab, who says he has every right to protest, while Rob is spouting on about ‘live and let live’, which is a bit ironic, as the hounds have just killed a fox. The argument becomes heated, Rob punches the sab, who then pushes Rob over, saying “You’ve not heard the last of this.” Helen is concerned about Rob, who says that the sab attacked him for no apparent reason and “Shula saw it, didn’t you?” to which she answers an uncertain ‘yes’. Helen is pleased, saying: “I can’t think of a more reliable witness.” 

However, the following day, the sab has made a complaint to the police and Rob and Shula are invited to the police station to give their version of events. Oliver, who has heard Rob’s version, goes with Shula for moral support. PC Burns has already interviewed Rob ‘under caution’ and PCB turns his attention to Shula. Mr Murphy (the sab) said that Rob struck him first - did Shula see Rob strike him at any stage? We do not hear Shula’s answer, but PCB later thanks both her and Rob for coming along. Rob says it all depends on whose version of events they choose to believe and an anxious Oliver asks Shula “You did tell him the truth, didn’t you?” to which she answers “Yes” and says she wants to go home.

So, what has upright, church-going Shula told PCB? Has she toed the party line for the good of the Hunt, or has her conscience forced her to grass Rob up? If the latter, things could be a bit frosty between Shula and her cousin and Rob won’t be over the moon either. My money’s on Shula being incapable of telling a fib, but we’ll have to wait and see.

It wasn’t a good week for Rob, as Tina at Ambridge Organics has quit and Helen has taken on the task of rescuing the business - a task that she finds herself relishing. Rob isn’t best pleased when Helen turns up late for the 1940s Valentine’s dance and if she devotes more time to the shop, he may have to unleash his control freak persona once more. He spent the time when waiting for Helen by talking to Adam, who tells him that he and Ian want to get married. Rob gets a few digs in about how nice it is to spend time with the one you love and I reckon it’s only a matter of time before he lets slip that he knows all about Adam and Charlie’s New Year snog.

Kate demonstrated a level of self-deception that was truly breathtaking - I can’t help thinking that the actress who plays her must think ’what a load of drivel - I can’t believe they want me to say these things.’ Be that as it may, Kate goes to see Roy at his home and immediately starts telling him off about his lifestyle, eating habits etc. “You’re damaging Phoebe by your unmanageability” the pretentious cow says, telling Roy to keep away from his daughter. He retorts that Phoebe will do what she wants. “She left you, Roy” says Kate and he snaps back “At least I never left her”, reminding Kate that he has always been there to pick up the pieces when necessary. He also says that he knows why Kate came back to the village, telling her “You trashed your life in South Africa, just as you did in Ambridge.”

Kate gets on her high horse, saying: “I will not allow you to talk to me like that - you’re projecting; putting your mistakes on to me, blaming me for your weakness.” (See earlier comment about pretension). Roy is scathing, telling her “You’re nearly 40 and living with Mum and Dad”. Kate is really upset at being called nearly 40 (she’s 38 on 30^th September, as if you could care less) and tells Roy: “I relied on you to look after our daughter and you’ve completely failed. You betrayed my trust.” Roy (and me too) cannot believe she could say that and tells her that she shouldn’t be allowed to use words like trust, plus she’s selfish and a terrible mother. Finally, he does what I would have done about half an hour earlier and throws her out of his house. The difference is that I would have ejected her through the window, not the door.

Back at Home Farm, Kate tries to engage Jennifer’s sympathy, with a marked lack of success. Kate says that Roy said some hateful things “He called me selfish - can you believe it?” Jennifer says “Well…” but Kate shows her her arm, where Roy grabbed her (pity it wasn’t her neck), but Jennifer says she cannot see any mark. In fact, Jennifer tells her daughter that she and Roy ought to buck up their ideas, as this constant enmity isn’t helping Phoebe in the slightest and her welfare should be their number one priority. Go on Jen, bang their heads together; I would.

Ed tells Oliver that he has decided to sell off his cows and will try and make ends meet by getting contracting work, so he will have to stop renting Grange Farm. Oliver suggests that Ed might like to investigate getting into beef cattle (I wouldn’t ask Tony about whether or not it’s a good idea) as he (Oliver) would have to find another tenant, should Ed quit. Oliver is really too good to be true, as he also asks Ed if he has found a venue for his wedding reception yet and if not, he can always use one of the barns; decorating it as he likes and he’s sure that Caroline will let him have some tables and chairs from Grey Gables. In fact, Oliver is so nice that I’m surprised that he hasn’t built a new house for Ed, or named him as his sole heir. 

Not surprisingly, Ed is over the moon about all this and he tells Joe, who is ecstatic at the news. Ed believes that he could really make something of himself with the beef cattle and, while I have a certain amount of sympathy for Ed (mainly born out of the fact that he has Will for a brother) I can’t help looking back at his track record in business over the years and thinking that his new, optimistic attitude is definitely the triumph of hope over experience

Finally, Neil, in his new, not-a-doormat role, goes to see Tom about exactly who is in charge of the pigs, only to find that Tom is apologising for not consulting Neil about decisions and, from now on, things will be different. Neil tells Susan in advance what he’s going to do and it makes her go week at the knees. She rings him afterwards to see how things went and Neil gives a slightly embellished version of how he laid the law down to Tom. “Oh Neil, were you very masterly?” she asks, breathlessly, telling him that she’s got all the ingredients for a chilli and “It will be ready and waiting for you when you get home.” I presume we are still talking about the chilli here?

Charlie Shows His Hand

Felix Scott (Charlie Thomas)

It seems like last week’s ‘we’ll agree to be just friends’ conversation between Adam and Charlie was a bit premature, as Charlie asks if Adam can come over and give him some advice on something. David, who Adam told about the request is indignant, saying “It’s a bit of a cheek, isn’t it – he sacked you.” Adam is relaxed about the whole thing, however, and goes to see Charlie.

There is some discussion about soil and Adam says “Surely you know all this already?” Charlie admits that he has never met anyone like Adam and his life to date has been work, work, work, encouraged by a pushy father. One-off dates have lost their appeal and Charlie feels ready to commit to someone. “Why are you telling me this?” Adam asks, thus showing that he can’t really be that clever. When it becomes obvious that Charlie is hitting on Adam, the latter reminds him that he has Ian. “So you’re just an old-fashioned one man guy?” Charlie asks. “Definitely” Adam replies, then spoils it by saying “If things were different…if I were free…then…”

And to think that only the night before, Ian was talking to Helen and said that the silver lining in Home Farm losing the contract was that Adam no longer has to work with Charlie Thomas. I suspect that the Adam/Charlie situation is not over yet.

I can’t believe that David and Rooooth’s move up north now looks like it will be in June. How long can they spin this particular story out for? Shula is the latest Archer sibling to have mentally spent her share of the Brookfield sale, as she tells David that she has plans for an equine swimming pool (and presumably spa and Jacuzzi). David advises her to wait until she’s got the money before she does anything. Ha! And this is the man who’s just ordered a £400 k robotic milking parlour!

While on the subject of milking, you can’t help feeling sorry for Ed – having extricated himself from money problems by selling four cows, Mike rains on his parade by telling him that he is having trouble selling the combined milk round and processing business and, if a good offer comes in for the round alone, he’ll have to think seriously about it. This news hits Ed like a kick in the groin and he phones Rooooth for advice. When she hears the whole story, she says that she doesn’t know what to suggest.

The week ends with Ed talking morosely to his cows, saying “You’re beautiful, I’m going to miss you; it’s time to go.” Dad Eddie comes in and Ed tells him it’s all over – he can either sell the cows off one by one or get out now. “I was a fool to think I could make a go of it.” Eddie asks what will he do? Ed says that he’ll probably buy a tractor and do contracting work – that will please Adam, who is looking for similar work himself. “You tried hard” Eddie consoles him. “Yes, I tried hard and failed hard” a disconsolate Ed answers.

Last week I said Jen appears to have rose-tinted spectacles when it comes to daughter Kate, but it seems that they might be getting cracked. On Monday Kate and Jen are having words about Kate’s attitude towards Phoebe and Kate says “I can behave like a mother”. “Then start doing it then” Jen snaps back. Phoebe has gone to see Roy to take his birthday card and he persuades her to stay and talk for a bit. Phoebe tells him about Lucas throwing Kate out and how she’s back for good. Roy isn’t happy (join the club Roy, but there’s a long waiting list) and Phoebe realises that both her parents are – how can I put this? – are bloody useless and she goes back to Home Farm.

Seeing Roy has made her late and Kate had planned to take her for a meal and a movie and starts to lay down the law. Phoebe tells her that she saw Roy and Kate explodes, saying: “He’s obviously upset you – stay away from him”. Phoebe says she’ll do what she likes and leaves the room. Kate tells Jen: “Roy’s set her such a bad example – no wonder she’s upset”. A stunned Jen is lost for words, then eventually tells her daughter: ”I sometimes wonder if you can actually hear the words that come out of your mouth”. That’s the ticket Jen – you’re on the way to throwing her out. If Jen doesn’t do something, then I can see Brian moving into a hotel; first of all he had the aggro with the kitchen, then Kate came back and now Jen has invited Lilian to come and stay and she has brought everything except the kitchen sink, as that’s not needed. Brian feels overwhelmed by the presence of females and takes refuge down the pub, no doubt reflecting bitterly on how much his drinks bill is going to increase now that his sister-in-law has come to stay.

We had a slight challenge by Helen to Rob’s manipulating and control freakery when she gets a phone call from Tina – Environmental Health inspected Ambridge Organics and found some items that were out of date. Tina is distraught and Rob seems surprised when Helen says that she has to go and sort it out. Of course, he wasn’t around when Bridge Farm nearly went under due to the e-coli crisis. Helen isn’t to be persuaded and goes to the shop. This will really annoy Rob, as only two days before he talked her out of getting a bit more involved in the shop (Pat’s idea, as it appears to be going to Hell in a handcart) and Helen agreed, saying “Thank you Rob – you know me so well.” Now she’s rushing off at a moment’s notice and, even worse for Rob if he knew, she tells Ian how much she enjoyed being at the shop. Rob won’t like it, Helen.

Finally, congratulations to Johnny for scraping his maths and English passes and I’d like to end by sharing with you a comment from a reader. Musing on the subject of Matt’s disappearance, he (or she) writes: ‘Matt may still return at some future date, though sounding oddly different than he did before ....’ I wonder where they got that idea from?

Sharper Than A Serpent’s Tooth

Lucy Morris (Phoebe Aldridge)

           

Phoebe has rocketed in my estimation after really doing a major hatchet job on her mum last week. Kate was pontificating to Jennifer about how trust between a mother and daughter is a precious thing and how she’d like to move into her cottage with Phoebe when the tenants leave. Kate also tells Jennifer that her marriage is over and Lucas’s parents have poisoned the children’s minds against her. Jennifer is full of sympathy but Brian, who obviously knows his daughter better, warns that they have only heard Kate’s version of the story.

It was on Thursday that Phoebe showed her claws. Kate was banging on again about moving into the cottage. “It will be great to have our own home again, won’t it?” Kate says, brightly. “Again?” asks Phoebe, in a leaden voice. Kate doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm and says “It’ll be just like the old days”. Phoebe retorts: “What old days? I was so little when you left that I can’t remember.” When Kate replies that they can create new memories, Phoebe really hits out and says that her half sister Nolly has told her everything.

Jen demonstrates that she really has rose-tinted glasses when it comes to her daughter by protesting that Nolly must be getting a distorted picture from her grandparents. Phoebe, however is adamant that Nolly is telling the truth and tells Kate “Will you tell Gran the truth or shall I?” adding nastily how Kate always says how important it is to have trust between a mother and daughter. By this time, Jennifer is completely bewildered and floundering like a beached whale. Phoebe tells her that Kate had to come back to Ambridge, as Lucas had thrown her out and forbidden her to see the children.

Kate admits to Jennifer that she had an affair (“That must be about the same time that dad had his affair” Phoebe interjects, again nastily) and Lucas was so cold that she felt lonely. “Give me a break - you had your children” says Phoebe, adding: “You don’t care, you put yourself first like you always do - all that stuff about coming back to care for me, that was all lies.” The conversation then took a turn for the worse (if you are Kate that is):

Kate: Sweetheart -

Phoe: Don’t you touch me!

Jen (still at sea): Kate loves you Phoebe

Phoe: No she doesn’t

Kate: Darling, I do - I came back for you

Phoe: You came back because you’ve nowhere else to go and I’m the only child you’ve got left, and I wish to God I wasn’t!

On this note, Phoebe storms off to her room. Kate asks Jennifer whether or not she should go and see Phoebe, saying: “She’s got a pretty low opinion of me.” Tell you what Kate, compared with my opinion of you, Phoebe’s is like Everest. Kate tells Jennifer: “I’ve made a terrible mess of things again - Phoebe despises me”. Ever the optimist, Jen says no, she’s just hurt and confused - I put it to you that wishing to God that she wasn’t Kate’s daughter indicates a certain high level of dissatisfaction and Kate is correct. Phoebe comes back in and Kate starts to thank her for coming back so that she can explain things to her, but Phoebe interrupts and tells her mother and gran that she has been on the phone to Hayley (to whom she refers as ’mum’, incidentally) and after college tomorrow, she, Phoebe, is going to see Hayley and stay with her and Kate can drive her to Birmingham. “Can you do that, at least?” she says - ouch!

The conversation in the car is stilted, to say the least, with Kate wanting to explain about South Africa and Phoebe threatening to get out of the car and hitch. Phoebe and Hayley have a touching reunion. Phoebe said that Kate had been slagging off Roy and describes her as ‘a hypocrite’ and ‘pathetic’. The talk soon turns to Roy and Hayley says he must be feeling lonely. Phoebe says he doesn’t want to see anybody and Hayley tells her that she doesn’t want to cut him out of her life. She then gently suggests that perhaps Phoebe should drop his birthday card round by hand. Let’s hope that Roy and Hayley get back together and Kate gets back to South Africa, although it is worrying that there seems to be nothing there for her, so why should she go back? Now I’ve totally depressed myself, but we’ll leave Kate motoring away from Birmingham, no doubt reflecting on King Lear’s line ‘How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child!’

Sorry to have harped on so long about Phoebe, but anything that upsets Kate deserves our full attention. Elsewhere, Susan notices that Emma has something on her mind and asks what it is. Emma demonstrates a touching, albeit certainly totally misguided, judgement call when she says “If I tell you something, you’ve got to promise to keep it to yourself”. Emma, this is Susan we are talking about - her middle name isn’t ‘motorgob’ for no reason. However, Susan says unblushingly: “You can trust me - I’m the soul of discretion.” Ladies and gentlemen, that ‘whooshing’ noise you can hear is the sound of Susan’s nose rapidly growing. Emma tells her of Ed’s cash flow problems and Susan tells her daughter that she should be more like her and give her partner the occasional push, like she does Neil. “I never nag” Susan adds. There’s that ‘whooshing’ noise again.

Ed managed to sell four of his cows for around £6 k, thus giving him a bit of breathing space. Emma asks if they should postpone the wedding but he is indignant and adamant that he really wants to marry her.

At the Burns’ Night celebrations at The Bull, Adam and Charlie meet for the first time since their New Year’s Eve kiss. They find somewhere quiet to talk and the conversation is awkward, to say the least. Adam says they had both had too much to drink and NYE is when people revert to adolescence, anyway. But now they are adults again. Charlie says that he hopes ‘this silly incident’ won’t spoil their friendship and it all seems amicable enough.

On the same night, Lilian confides to Jolene that Matt has left her for good, cleaned out the bank accounts and “taken everything that wasn’t nailed down” (except the crying gypsy picture that Peggy gave them). “I don’t think I’ll ever see him again” Lilian says, tearfully. It’s Jolene I feel sorry for - she had Lilian weeping and moping all over the place when the fling with Paul was going on and now it’s all happening again. I’d get that bulk order for tissues in sharpish, Jolene. On the plus side, Lilian has agreed to sell her share of The Bull to Jolene and Kenton, whose plans are becoming ever-more elaborate.

David met Justin Eliot to see if he can stay on at Brookfield for a few months while the new robotic milking parlour is designed and built. Justin is affability itself and David later tells Joe Grundy that he was ‘charming’. Going back to the milking parlour, David reveals that this is going to cost around £400 k. Not only that, but it will cost £6 k to move the cows up north. Think about it David - can you actually afford to make this move?

Is The Worm About To Turn?

Brian Hewlett and Charlotte Martin (Neil and Susan Carter)

           

It’s been a long time since we kicked off with a story about Neil and Susan, so here goes. Susan wants Neil to take her into town to shop for stuff for Emma’s dress, but Neil has to go and move the pigs. Sadly, Tom has noticed that the pigs are churning up their patch and he and Johnny have just moved them.

Neil, who is nominally the manager of the pig unit, isn’t best pleased and his temper isn’t improved when, as he begins to give Tom his plan for the future, Tom interrupts him with his own idea. Neil says he was thinking along the same lines, whereupon Tom - showing more than a flash of the pre-Canada, egocentric ‘the world revolves around me’ Tom Archer, says “Great minds”. Neil goes home, fuming and ranting that it has been a monumental waste of time.

Now, at times like this, what you need is the support of, and words of comfort from, your other half and, when he tells Susan what has happened, that is exactly what he doesn’t get. Firstly she is unhappy that he could have taken her shopping after all and he should stand up to Tom, as he (Neil) is the manager. In a few weeks, she tells him, he’ll be walking his daughter down the aisle and doesn’t he want her to be proud of him? “If you act like a doormat, people will walk all over you” she tells him, helpfully. “I’m nobody’s doormat” Neil roars, but Susan interrupts him, saying: “You let people take advantage of you.” I suppose we should be grateful that she didn’t say “Shut up Neil, I’m talking, you doormat.” Neil says “From now on I won’t let Tom or anyone else push me around - except you dear.” I made the last three words up, but perhaps Neil’s first act as his new, self-confident, I’m-not-taking-crap-from-anyone alter ego should be to wrap a roll of gaffer tape round Susan’s gob. Just a suggestion.

There was a cameo when Jolene entered the bathroom, thinking that it was Fallon in the shower, only to confront an embarrassed Harrison, stark naked (the lock doesn’t work). Fallon and PCB are staying in The Bull while her boiler is fixed. The sight causes Jolene to go to the bar and gulp down water, telling Lilian what she saw. PCB should watch himself, as Jolene has form when it comes to showers and sex - remember when she and Sid got it together; talk about wears the soap - and she showed some of this when PCB said that he’s fixed the lock and nothing like that will happen again. “That’s a shame” she says. Whoa there Jolene; that’s your daughter’s boyfriend you’re lusting after, you minx you.

This week’s ‘I bet this will all end in tears’ story is when Helen tells Rob that she saw Adam and Charlie kissing on New Year’s Eve and that he mustn’t tell anybody, nobody, ever, promise, cross your heart? Ha! On Friday, Hel, Rob and Adam are at The Bull for the dance lessons night and Rob keeps slyly mentioning New Year’s Eve when speaking to Adam, much to Helen’s discomfort. That should be the least of her worries, as Rob has taken it upon himself to talk to Tina, the Manageress of Ambridge Organics, about the continuing disappointing sales. He told her that, if she has any problems, to talk to him. Helen, taking over the Neil ‘doormat’ mantle, doesn’t protest. Rob presses home his advantage, wiping his feet on her even more, when he accuses Helen of secretly wanting him to take the DNA test. Helen, who will in future will presumably sleep on the floor just inside the front door, protests that she will support Rob in whatever he decides. Tell him to take the bloody test, woman!

Other major stories - Ed has defaulted on his rent payments and seems amazed that he is being threatened with eviction. The answer? Sell four of the cows. He is against it, but Eddie points out that he could end up with no cows at all and Ed reluctantly agrees.

Lilian is putting on a brave face, telling PCB that Matt will be back soon - she knows her Tiger. Not that well, apparently, as on Friday she is at The Bull (giving dancing lessons to PCB) when she receives a text. “It’s Matt!” she says gleefully, then gasps when she reads it. PCB follows her outside, where she is sobbing uncontrollably. She shows him the text - Matt is in Costa Rica. Lilian wails “He’s gone, he’s left me, he’s never coming back!” Blimey; I know that revenge is a dish best eaten cold, but if this is payback for the ‘Lilian/Paul’ affair, it’s not just cold, but has been deep frozen for a few months.

There is a ray of hope in the ‘For God’s sake get rid of Kate’ protest movement when, on Tuesday, Kate picks Phoebe up from college and forces her to go for a bite to eat, while bending her ear about how she has made so many cool friends at college. Phoebe has had a bad day and expresses mild surprise that Kate has made friends with people so much younger. Kate gets a text message and it’s one of her ‘friends’ (Steph) who is inviting her (and Phoebe) to a bar in Felpersham. Phoebe wants to go home and stands firm, so Kate drops her off and then shoots off to Felpersham on her own. A very down Phoebe retires to her room, where Jennifer brings her a cup of tea and talks through her troubles (Kate never noticed or asked). Phoebe gets a picture message on her phone and it’s Kate. Jen asks what is it and Phoebe says “you don’t want to know” but Jen insists. It’s a selfie of Kate (“Getting wasted in a bar” - Phoebe) wearing pussycat ears and Phoebe bursts out “Why does she send this to me? It’s sad and embarrassing!” Go back to live with Roy, Phoebe, persuade Hayley and Abbie to come home (and Kate to go home).

Looks Like Johnny Has Daily Sex

Tom Gibbons (Johnny Phillips)

Everybody keeps telling Johnny that he’s not stupid and that he’s a natural stockman, so why can’t he pass his exams? Helen has a theory that he may be dyslexic and Tom notices that he has trouble in reading the numbers on the cows’ tags. But when Tom raises the subject of dyslexia, Johnny heads him off and changes the subject.

 

Later on, when helping Johnny with his homework, Tom asks him to read something printed on buff-coloured paper. There is a marked improvement and Tom says that he has been researching dyslexia and sufferers often find it easier to read from coloured paper. The Learning Support people at college will know more, says Tom, but Johnny is not impressed, saying “That’s for thickos”. A word of advice Johnny; your family are trying to help you and if you don’t try and help yourself, they might start getting fed up.

 

It was a bad weekend for Rob; much of it spent stewing over the letter about his alleged paternity of Jess’s baby. Helen takes Henry to Lower Loxley for a go on the treetop walk but Rob is in too much of a state to go with them, so he tells a disappointed Henry that he has to stay and cook lunch. Rob phones Jess and there’s the sound of a baby crying in the background. Jess says she will call him back as “your son needs my attention” and Rob just has time to snarl “He’s not my son” as she hangs up on him.

 

Jess does call back and tells Rob that his name is on the birth certificate as the father. Not only that, but Jess has been in touch with Rob’s mother, who is delighted with the child and says that he looks just like Rob when he was a baby. By this time Rob is incandescent, saying things like “You had no right to name me as the father” and “There’s no way I’m paying maintenance.” Jess’s counter is in that case Rob will have to prove he’s not the father, which would mean taking a DNA test. “I refuse to be blackmailed” Rob tells her, but he’s obviously upset because, when Helen and Henry return, Rob has forgotten to turn the oven on.

 

Later in the week, Helen tells Pat about her problem. “But he can’t be the father, can he?” Pat asks, suggesting that he takes the DNA test as “you’ll never be free unless he does.” This obviously chimes with Helen, as she says much the same thing to Rob a bit later – he is in an even worse temper, as he has received another official letter, saying that he has to take a DNA test. “It’s blatant harassment – how can they take her word? I’m not dancing to that woman’s tune!” he seethes. If you don’t take the test Rob, they will take maintenance from you in any case. If you turn out not to be the father, all well and good, but even if you are the father, Helen is so besotted with you that I’m sure she would swallow any old story, such as Jess breaking in on you one night and stealing some of your sperm. Just take the test and get it over with, there’s a good lad.

 

There was some good news last week, as Fallon and PC Burns really got it together. He can’t believe how lucky he is as they are together in bed and tells her that the heating has gone wrong, so they will have to stay there. Would a policemen tell lies? Good news for Pat and Tony too, as a bed has been found for him at Felpersham hospital, which means that Pat won’t have to keep making the trek to Birmingham. And how did they manage to find a bed? With all the scare stories about the NHS in crisis and overworked A&E units, it would have been more credible if they had found him a trolley in a corridor at Felpersham, rather than a bed.

 

Not such good news – the authorities at FelpershamUniversity have confirmed that Kate can study there for her advanced diploma, the bastards. Talking of Kate, Tom goes to see Roy (who is still in a bit of a mess; both physical and emotional) and Roy cannot understand how Phoebe has managed to forget and forgive the numerous terrible things that Kate has done in the past but won’t even give him the time of day. Leafing quickly through his book of ‘Platitudes for suicidal friends’, Tom tells him “When you hit rock bottom, the only way is up”. Luckily he didn’t add “Or on the other hand I suppose you could stay there for ever.”

 

More avarice from the Archer children, with Liz saying what a godsend the Brookfield money will be and how she is optimistic about the future and feels that “there could be someone out there for me”. Shula agrees that the money will be welcome and Kenton has plans to buy out Lilian’s share of The Bull. This on top of the business class trip to Australia and the refurbishment of the pub – how much is he getting, for crying out loud?

 

Mind you, Lilian might be needing the money. She returns from holiday and calls out for Matt. Next we hear her say “Oh my God!” and she phones the police. PCB turns up (no doubt a tad annoyed at having to leave Fallon in bed) and Lil tells him that she noticed the burglar alarm was switched off and the safe was open. There’s no sign of forced entry and PCB muses that it seems strange there’s a lot of expensive electric equipment that is lying untouched. He also spots a note saying “sorry pusscat”. 

 

PCB leaves and Lilian rings round the banks. PCB returns later, saying he realised from the note what’s happened. Lilian confirms that Matt has done a runner, emptying the safe and the bank accounts. Does Lilian want PCB to report this? She says no – she will find Matt and they will sort this out together. Surely it’s obvious what’s happened? Think – Tom has returned from Canada, Kate is going to be here a year and it’s only 10 months till Lynda Snell’s next Christmas bloody extravaganza. Surely any normal person would want to get out while they could?