Freddie’s Fungi Forage

Toby Laurence (Freddie Pargetter)

Last week we had Freddie and Noluthando sharing a spliff in the woods, with her moaning (surely not?) that the weed is better in South Africa and that the rain keeps extinguishing the joint. What hard lives these teenagers have! Never mind, Freddie has the answer - the woods are full of mushrooms and some of them must be of the magic variety, surely? The pair try a few and they are indeed getting high, until Noluthando is feeling sick.

I don’t want to be critical, but how far would you trust Freddie’s judgement when it comes to picking a fungus that is both hallucinogenic and edible? Me neither. I’m surprised he didn’t say something like “this red one with white spots looks cool - I wonder what it tastes like?” Let’s be frank here; going fungi foraging with Freddie is probably the worst idea that anyone has had at Lower Loxley since Nigel agreed to help David get the ‘Happy New Year’ banner off the roof.

I have done a bit of research here and here are three types that he can find in the UK; Amanita virosa, Amanita phalloides and Galerina marginata. I cannot attest to whether or not they are tasty, but their more common names of Destroying Angel, Death Cap and Funeral Bell are evidence of their potency. Freddie and Noluthando squirrel away their stash of fungi to dry in Lower Loxley’s attic. We can expect a few stoned rats to make an appearance soon, I reckon. Freddie keeps telling Noluthando that “the first rule of breaking the rules is ‘don’t get caught’ “ Ha! This is Ambridge, where naughty people usually get what they deserve, so we wait to see what happens to our mushroom-munching duo.

A naughty person who hasn’t yet got what he deserves is Matt Crawford who, if he upsets many more people, will have to change his name to Rob Titchener. On Sunday, Lilian tells Adam that Matt asked her to run away with him and she considered it briefly, as she loves both Justin and Matt. Adam cannot believe it and tells her to stay away from Matt. “Get him out of your head and don’t let him pollute your relationship with Justin” Adam tells his aunt. “I need to keep away from him.” Lilian agrees.

This she does by taking to her bed, pleading sickness and refusing to go out. Adam goes to see her at the Dower House and urges her to stand up to Matt - what she feels for him is not love; he’s messed with her head because he’s jealous of Justin. “Live your life and leave Matt Crawford to me” Adam says, ominously. If Lilian is determined to avoid Matt, why not take off to a hotel, or go and live with James and Leonie for a few days, leaving her phone behind?

There may well be a queue forming to sort Matt out, as Shula has been thinking about the troubles that have beset the Stables recently and wondering if she detects Matt’s fine Italian hand behind it all - the depth of knowledge of events seems too detailed to be laid at the door of the sacked stable girl Roberta. Shula shares her suspicions with Kenton - she has just seen Matt with Latif at Grey Gables and Matt made a point of waving to Shula, in triumph, she believes. Kenton isn’t convinced that Matt would do such a thing and, besides, he’s leaving at the end of the week, isn’t he? Shula says that Matt probably “couldn’t resist one last thrust of the dagger”. Kenton gives her a double brandy on the house and asks whether she will share her suspicions with Alistair. “He doesn’t need to know,” Shula tells her twin, adding: “if it is all down to Matt, I’ll handle him myself.” Take a number and stand in line, Shula.

Kenton’s naivety is touching when it comes to Matt’s behaviour. Has he forgotten that Matt ran out on Lilian, emptying her and AmSide’s bank accounts in the process? Shula will have to take her turn, as Adam confronts Matt in a car park and tells him to leave Lilian alone, as she is marrying Justin. Matt sneers that, if Lilian loves Justin, why has she been meeting him (Matt) for days out? He then gets more personal and insulting, talking about Adam and Ian’s plans to have a baby, calling it “unnatural.” He keeps goading Adam, who finally loses it and hits him. Wrong move Adam! A gloating Matt says that no-one will let Adam have a child after he has hit a man in a car park. “All it takes is one phone call” crows Matt.

Well, Adam, that could have gone better, couldn’t it? Adam returns home and tells Ian how Matt provoked him, but stops short of the fisticuffs incident. Ian says that Lilian’s life is nothing to do with them and, if she wants a knight in shining armour, she’s always got Justin. However, Ian is proud of the fact that Adam stopped short of violence, saying that he remembers how satisfying it was when he hit Rob. “If you’d have socked him, that would mean an assault charge and an end to anything to do with Carina”, Carina being the likely surrogate mother they have been talking with. Adam is now in thrall to Matt - will Matt put the squeeze on Adam and keep him on tenterhooks? What do you reckon? Kenton might think Matt isn’t an all-round bad guy, but I would suggest that he is in a minority of one. With Adam out of the way, it seems that handling Matt is all down to Shula, so how will she get on? The answer, as we will see, is ‘not very well, actually’ and it all begins on Thursday, when she comes across Matt, who has ostensibly run out of petrol and asks her if she can give him a lift to Brookfield, where David will have petrol.

Here’s Shula’s chance to handcuff Matt to the rear bumper and drag him across a few rough and stony fields, or alternatively to douse him in petrol (well he does want some) and offering him a cigar, but instead she gives him a lift, albeit with bad grace, and the atmosphere is very frosty, with Shula telling him that he doesn’t need to talk. Matt refers to the fact that Anisha “keeps popping off to Glasgow” and the temperature drops a few degrees when Shula says that Anisha’s mother has just died. When they get to Brookfield, Shula cannot wait to dump Matt on David and she goes into the kitchen to seethe.

Matt tells Shula that he might see her before he goes and “I might surprise you.” “Please don’t” is her curt reply, but an unfazed Matt says “You never know, it might be something good.” We don’t have long to wait before we find out what Matt is up to, as Shula takes a call - someone has donated a fantastic prize for the Hunt Ball raffle - a Rhine cruise for two. Shula goes after Matt and says that the Hunt cannot accept such a prize. “I can’t accept it” she tells him. Matt asks why and Shula pours out her suspicions that it is Matt who is trashing the name and reputation of the Stables and Alistair’s business. Incidentally, there is some good news on this front, as the Vet college did not uphold the complaint about the dead horse.

Matt describes her as having a vivid imagination and says that the cruise isn’t from him, but from his employer, Hugo Melling. Shula asks Matt to thank Hugo, upon which he asks where is his ticket to the Ball? Hugo can’t make it, so it is incumbent upon Matt to present the star prize on the night. Shula is taken aback but says that she’ll see what she can do. Matt thanks her, adding: “From what I’ve heard, it should be one hell of a night.” You have to - if not admire, then at least acknowledge - the manipulation shown by Matt. Rob Titchener would be proud. Things get worse on Friday, when Shula, who is having trouble finding somewhere to put Matt (“There’s no-one I hate enough to put next to him“), gets a text message - now Matt wants a ticket for a ‘plus one’ for the Ball. “He’s poisonous; toxic and the sooner the village is rid of him, the better.”

In order to escape Matt, Lilian goes shopping with Jennifer for dresses. Jen is trying on shoes and Lilian is in the changing room with her dress when Matt turns up. Lilian is staggered - how did he get in and what does he want? Matt replies that he told the attendant that his wife was inside, choosing clothes for their second honeymoon and he hands her an air ticket, saying he’ll wait for her to turn up. “Be there or be Mrs Elliott” he tells her before he leaves. Jennifer returns and a despondent Lilian says she wants to go home.

By the way, for those of you who are stressing, Alistair confesses to Shula that he did not have time to buy a new dinner jacket but he has done the next best thing and hired one. Shula doesn’t actually explode, but it is a close-run thing. Her temper is not improved when Alistair tries the DJ on, remarking that it’s a bit tight. He bends to move something and the jacket splits up the back. The couple dissolve into hysterical laughter, but the smiles are wiped from their faces when Matt’s text about his plus one comes through.

Let’s leave Matt and his machinations and talk about the forthcoming election for the Parish Council. It’s fair to say that election fever has not actually gripped Ambridge, but Lynda accosts everyone who comes into the shop, asking who they are going to vote for? Practically nobody has made up their mind and Lynda canvasses on behalf of her husband. Jim Lloyd turns up at the shop and Lynda turns on him, saying that, as Parish Clerk, he should be neutral. Jim protests that, if he has been making positive comments in favour of Emma, he is only repeating what villagers have been telling him. Lynda accuses him of being, if not pro-Emma, than at least anti-Snell. “I’ll be watching you on election day” she warns Jim.

Let’s have some good news for a change. Kathy is off sick (no, that’s not the good news) and so Roy has been co-opted on to the panel interviewing applicants for the interim (three months) job of front of house manager at Grey Gables. Roy is slightly stunned when one of the applicants turns out to be Lexi - he didn’t even know that she had applied. Lexi acquits herself with credit, answering all Roy and Ian’s questions. I believe there was someone else on the panel, but whoever they were, they didn’t have much to say for themselves.

Speaking to Roy afterwards, Lexi explains that she didn’t tell Roy as she didn’t want an unfair advantage. A delighted Roy tells her that the panel has decided that she can have the job if she wants it and they are both overjoyed. I’m glad that things seem to be going well for Roy on the romantic front - all we want now is for Lexi’s three-month contract to be made permanent.