Monday, 11 June 2012

Please Form An Orderly Queue

What are we queuing for? Why, for the chance to slap some sense into Amy, of course. The woman should be a romantic novelist, such is her capacity to invent unlikely scenarios and for self-delusion. Alice was the latest to try to knock some sense into her, showing Amy details of Carl's wife and revealing that they have a child. Amy immediately assumed that Carl is staying with Rochelle purely for the sake of the child and "he must be really hurting". In retrospect, Alice would have been better off beating her over the head with the laptop than trying to reason with her.
I mean, it's getting beyond a joke now – the woman must have a certain amount of intelligence to qualify as a midwife and I'm afraid her attitude is moving into the realms of the unbelievable. Even Dad Alan has come to the end of his tether when Amy doesn't pass on a message about Usha's 50th birthday party and he learns that Amy said hurtful things to Usha about not having to care about anyone else, as she has no children. It's gloves off time when he tells her some home truths, adding: "Spite doesn't suit you Amy, however bad you're hurting."
Well said that man of the cloth! Throw the whining, self-pitying, annoying little cow out, I say, never mind all this turning the other cheek and loving your enemies rubbish.
Elsewhere in the village, it appears that Iftikar needs to keep his wits about him, as Tracy seems to be lining him up as the next notch on her bedpost, which reputedly already resembles a well-worn and ancient American Indian totem pole, Tracy drops an earring in the shop and Ifti gallantly helps her find it. What will she drop next, I ask myself?
You can see the way that her (one track) mind is working when she invites herself round to Susan's for lunch so that she can "ask Neil about the rules of cricket." It's 'Laws of cricket', not rules, you man-hungry slapper. If I might digress here, a poll on the Archers website asks 'Would Ifti and Tracy make a good couple?' When I looked, 95.3% of respondents said 'No'. This tells us two things; firstly, most Archers fans are good judges of character and, secondly, that 4.7% either can't read properly or need psychiatric help. Stand firm Ifti – concentrate on improving the cricket team.
Susan and Lynda got a shock when they decide to have a sneak preview of the DVD from the camera in the woods designed to catch the beast of Ambridge on film. Much to their embarrassment, the only beast it caught was the beast with two backs, aka Will and Nic, enjoying a bit of al fresco nookie. No doubt if a child results from this outdoor pursuit, it will be named Fern, or Bluebell, or something similar.
We cannot let the occasion of the Queen's 60th Jubilee pass without comment about Ambridge's celebrations. There was a near-crisis when, instead of 60 sponge cakes being made to form the Ambridge giant cake, Clarrie ended up four short. Jill to the rescue! She had made six extra, no doubt confident in some people's inability to understand such difficult instructions as 'Make it square, not round' and 'Do not fill with jam. Do not ice cake'. Honestly, even idiot Gary couldn't get those wrong. Then again…
Anyway, with the help of Jill and Nic, Clarrie pulled it off and the giant cake looked lovely. Everyone was happy, even Joe, who was asked by Lynda to propose three cheers for Her Majesty. The only tense moment was when Clarrie asked Nic "How did you get them grass stains all over your back?" OK, so I made that up, but it would have been good.
Things took an even more sinister turn at Brookfield, when Ben discovers a ram that has had its throat ripped out, covered in blood, in a field. Of course, we all knew that something bad was going to happen as, on Monday evening, after the beacon lighting on Lakey Hill, David has a quick run-through of the CCTV tape, which show that nothing has happened, prompting David to tell Rooooth: "Everything's going to be fine, you'll see."
Ben thinks the ram has been attacked by the Beast of Ambridge, but Rooooth notices that it has been cut with a blade. David calls the police, just at the moment when Pip comes home and asks what's going on? Has anyone else noticed that Pip seems to have reverted to her irritating, whiny voice that she used to have when anyone used to say anything bad about Jude?
Here are David and Rooooth, worried sick about the potential threat to their children and all Pip can do is give them a hard time because she hasn't been kept informed about what's been happening. She is then indignant because the police won't be able to do anything until next week and she wants action - now! Pip love, it's only in the movies (or if you are royalty) that 14 helicopters, a SWAT team, a fleet of squad cars and a couple of crack detectives turn up at a moment's notice. In real life you take a number and fill in forms. The week ends with Pip asking where Ben is. He's upstairs, says David, adding: "You won't tell him anything about this, will you?" Cue whine from Pip: "Come on Dad, what do you take me for?" Answers on a postcard, please…

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