West Ham United?
This week we were kept in suspense when Tom (Judas)
Archer announced that he had formulated a major marketing initiative that would
sweep the country, taking the newly-named and newly re-packaged Tom Archer's
Borsetshire Sausages with it. But the little tease wouldn't tell Brenda what
the idea was, thus whipping her up into a lather of anticipation and us into a
frenzy of apathy.
However, we didn't have to wait long as Tom and
Jazzer unveiled the idea – pigs playing football, no less. I bet Saatchi and
Saatchi are wondering how they ever missed that one. The pigs don't seem
particularly interested at first ("we need to get them match fit")
but this doesn't stop Brenda being impressed. Mind you, she lives with Tom, so
her expectations can't be that high.
Later on in the week, Tom demonstrates his idea to
Pat and Tony, who have just seen the new packaging which ditches the Bridge
Farm name. Attaboy Tom! Just twist that knife a little more and rub some more
salt into that gaping wound!
Joe celebrated his 90th birthday on Sunday with a
meeting of the cider club and various invited guests, playing traditional pub
games. I thought I would expire with boredom when Joe and Bert were counting up
their cribbage hands – I know three year olds who can count quicker than that.
It was David's birthday too and, surprise, surprise, there was no card from
sister Lizzie. People ate the food, even though it was prepared by Clarrie,
although she was upset when Jim ('Mr Sensitive') kept going on about how Joe's
cider was not very hygienic but it challenged the immune system. Perhaps Joe
should bring out a brand called 'Clarrie'?
Actually, if I were David, I'd start keeping a wary
eye out, as Elizabeth can start driving again after her illness and I wouldn't
put it past her to start stalking him, looking for a hit-and-run opportunity.
While on the subject of the Pargetter family, we had more sick-making comments
about how Freddie looks like (and, astonishingly, wants to be like) his father. Shula has him on a lead rein (well, the pony,
actually) and he is going over some jumps. This is all too easy and he wants to
attempt higher ones. Shula says "no", which is a pity, as I'm sure
there's a six-foot high hedge on the edge – on the very edge – of the disused
quarry we learned about last week.
For Hercule Poirot fans, we had the mystery of
George's missing book bag, when Emma practically accused Nic of either losing
it or keeping it. Being Emma, she went on and on about it and Nic, who was
positive that she had sent it back with George, asked Clarrie if, next time she
was at Will and Emma's, if she wouldn't mind looking for it. Sure enough, later
in the week, Clarrie asked Emma if the bag had turned up, to which the answer
was 'yes' and Clarrie suggested that Emma ring Nic and tell her. Emma agreed,
but with very bad grace (no surprise there, then).
Will and Nic were going out and Will asked the
question that we listeners have been asking for months – "How did I get to
be so lucky?" In return, Nic, proving she has little pride and even less
sense, said "I love you Will Grundy". I have narrowed it down to
drugs or hypnotism, as Nic seems otherwise mentally OK.
Poor Clarrie swallows her pride and goes to sign
on, only to be told that, as she gave up her job voluntarily, she may not be
entitled to benefits. "They can't do that!" yells an indignant Eddie.
Afraid they can, my old son – it's called the law.
Fresh from watching Porkers Utd play Rasher
Athletic, Tony decides that he will approach Peggy again for a loan, but when
he gets to her house, he is appalled to find it dirty and untidy, with washing
up everywhere. Poor Peggy is visiting The Laurels every moment she can and has
let things slide somewhat. When she returns, she is embarrassed that Tony has seen
the place in such a state – for his part, Tony realises that this is not the
time (again) to be asking for a loan. Tony and Pat are worried that Peggy is
running herself into the ground "somehow or other we have to take more of
the burden off her" say Tony, loading another cross on to his and Pat's
shoulders. I'll just say one word – Elona.
Debbie's plan to have a mega herd of dairy cattle
is still alive and she mentions to Brian that, if they could get Brookfield on
side, then they could have 2,000 or more cows. And what then? An Anschluss into
Bridge Farm? Invade Lower Loxley? Debbie and Brian still have neglected to tell
Adam of their plans and I can't help thinking that he'll go gorilla-pooh when
he does find out. Still I expect Debbie will have him shot – this is going to
be cattle country boy, so take your arable elsewhere.
Let's end as we began, with Tom's footballing pigs.
Assuming that training goes OK, what will be the names of the teams? West Ham
United? Pork City? Porksmouth? Queens Pork Rangers? And who can captain the
sides? One contender might be German midfielder Dietmar Hamann, but my
favourite is the Fulham player - Marcello Trotta.
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