Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Pigs Might Fly (Down The Wing)

 West Ham United?

This week we were kept in suspense when Tom (Judas) Archer announced that he had formulated a major marketing initiative that would sweep the country, taking the newly-named and newly re-packaged Tom Archer's Borsetshire Sausages with it. But the little tease wouldn't tell Brenda what the idea was, thus whipping her up into a lather of anticipation and us into a frenzy of apathy.

However, we didn't have to wait long as Tom and Jazzer unveiled the idea – pigs playing football, no less. I bet Saatchi and Saatchi are wondering how they ever missed that one. The pigs don't seem particularly interested at first ("we need to get them match fit") but this doesn't stop Brenda being impressed. Mind you, she lives with Tom, so her expectations can't be that high.

Later on in the week, Tom demonstrates his idea to Pat and Tony, who have just seen the new packaging which ditches the Bridge Farm name. Attaboy Tom! Just twist that knife a little more and rub some more salt into that gaping wound!

Joe celebrated his 90th birthday on Sunday with a meeting of the cider club and various invited guests, playing traditional pub games. I thought I would expire with boredom when Joe and Bert were counting up their cribbage hands – I know three year olds who can count quicker than that. It was David's birthday too and, surprise, surprise, there was no card from sister Lizzie. People ate the food, even though it was prepared by Clarrie, although she was upset when Jim ('Mr Sensitive') kept going on about how Joe's cider was not very hygienic but it challenged the immune system. Perhaps Joe should bring out a brand called 'Clarrie'?

Actually, if I were David, I'd start keeping a wary eye out, as Elizabeth can start driving again after her illness and I wouldn't put it past her to start stalking him, looking for a hit-and-run opportunity. While on the subject of the Pargetter family, we had more sick-making comments about how Freddie looks like (and, astonishingly, wants to be like) his father. Shula has him on a lead rein (well, the pony, actually) and he is going over some jumps. This is all too easy and he wants to attempt higher ones. Shula says "no", which is a pity, as I'm sure there's a six-foot high hedge on the edge – on the very edge – of the disused quarry we learned about last week.

For Hercule Poirot fans, we had the mystery of George's missing book bag, when Emma practically accused Nic of either losing it or keeping it. Being Emma, she went on and on about it and Nic, who was positive that she had sent it back with George, asked Clarrie if, next time she was at Will and Emma's, if she wouldn't mind looking for it. Sure enough, later in the week, Clarrie asked Emma if the bag had turned up, to which the answer was 'yes' and Clarrie suggested that Emma ring Nic and tell her. Emma agreed, but with very bad grace (no surprise there, then).

Will and Nic were going out and Will asked the question that we listeners have been asking for months – "How did I get to be so lucky?" In return, Nic, proving she has little pride and even less sense, said "I love you Will Grundy". I have narrowed it down to drugs or hypnotism, as Nic seems otherwise mentally OK.

Poor Clarrie swallows her pride and goes to sign on, only to be told that, as she gave up her job voluntarily, she may not be entitled to benefits. "They can't do that!" yells an indignant Eddie. Afraid they can, my old son – it's called the law.

Fresh from watching Porkers Utd play Rasher Athletic, Tony decides that he will approach Peggy again for a loan, but when he gets to her house, he is appalled to find it dirty and untidy, with washing up everywhere. Poor Peggy is visiting The Laurels every moment she can and has let things slide somewhat. When she returns, she is embarrassed that Tony has seen the place in such a state – for his part, Tony realises that this is not the time (again) to be asking for a loan. Tony and Pat are worried that Peggy is running herself into the ground "somehow or other we have to take more of the burden off her" say Tony, loading another cross on to his and Pat's shoulders. I'll just say one word – Elona.

Debbie's plan to have a mega herd of dairy cattle is still alive and she mentions to Brian that, if they could get Brookfield on side, then they could have 2,000 or more cows. And what then? An Anschluss into Bridge Farm? Invade Lower Loxley? Debbie and Brian still have neglected to tell Adam of their plans and I can't help thinking that he'll go gorilla-pooh when he does find out. Still I expect Debbie will have him shot – this is going to be cattle country boy, so take your arable elsewhere.

Let's end as we began, with Tom's footballing pigs. Assuming that training goes OK, what will be the names of the teams? West Ham United? Pork City? Porksmouth? Queens Pork Rangers? And who can captain the sides? One contender might be German midfielder Dietmar Hamann, but my favourite is the Fulham player - Marcello Trotta.

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