Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Harry 1 Jazzer 0

Michael Shelford (Harry)

At last! Harry got off with Zofia, after Kenton told her that Harry and Jazzer were not, as she suspected, a gay couple. When the little Polish minx heard this, she couldn't wait to grab Harry and get him away from Jaxx's and alone; presumably for an intellectual conversation.

And how did Jazzer take this defeat in the lists of love? Was he downhearted? Not exactly, as he immediately pulled someone else and Kenton gave him a beer on the house, so he probably thought he was ahead of the game. Harry, meanwhile, is planning to go on a bike ride with Zofia. God, this boy knows how to treat a woman!

Jill got her hopes sky high when Lizzie texted Shula to see if she could go and see her. Was this the much-hoped-for breakthrough in the unpleasantness between Lizzie and David? Actually no, as Lizzie dumped David and Ruth as guardians of Lily and Freddie, substituting Shula and Alistair instead. When David and Ruth realise this (on receipt of a formal letter) David sinks even further into despair, saying that he has made such a mess of keeping the family together and what a useless person he is.

Ruth cannot bear to see him like this and resolves to go and try and make Lizzie see what she's doing. Good plan, Ruth, with the slight flaw that Lizzie doesn't give a toss. Ruth tells her how much they adore Lily and Freddie. "It's not about what you and David want" says Lizzie, telling Ruth that David forced Nigel to do something he didn't want to do and now he's dead. Excuse me, but Nigel was all for it, boasting about how he knew the roof of Lower Loxley like the back of his hand. Trouble is, the only person who knows this is David and the chances of Liz listening to him are remote.

Still, it has been six months, so perhaps Lizzie is mellowing? "I'll never forgive him – you can tell him that from me!" Lizzie yells, in a most unmellow-like mood. Ruth then suggests that Lizzie goes for counselling and the words 'red', 'rag' and 'bull' spring to mind, as Lizzie goes berserk at the suggestion. All in all, not one of Ruth's most successful attempts at peace-making and that noise you can hear is that of boats being burned.

There was humour when the Book Club met to discuss "Mistress of the Paddocks" – Jennifer's choice as an example of a chicklit romcom. Not only is the book absolutely dire, but some of the Club members reckon that it is a thinly-veiled biography of Brian and Jennifer. Even the names of the hero and heroine are Byron and Jilly.

Of those present at the meeting, Susan and Pat are the only ones (apart from Jennifer) who are aware of this and we were treated to the comments of the others (Jim and Usha) about how Byron will roger anything with a pulse and mammaries and what a complete doormat Jilly is for putting up with it. Susan even refers to Byron as 'Brian' at one stage, but thinks that she got away with it. Let's be honest – if Susan realises that it's a put up job, how dense must the others be to not notice?

Elsewhere, at Emma's insistence, Ed takes pity on poor, rudderless Oliver and asks him if he'd like to do the milking on a couple of afternoons? Ollie jumps at the chance and, when Ed suggests he might like to talk it over with Caroline, he is adamant: "It will do her good to have a taste of her own medicine" says Oliver. In the unlikely event that she even notices, that is.

Ed demonstrates his culinary prowess after work one day when George, who is being a right pain, demands his tea. Ed says he will cook 'cheesy beans'. Wow! How times change – it wasn't that long ago that he was hunting down artichokes for a pregnant Emma. He and her discuss getting Keira christened and, obviously knowing when they are on to a good thing, decide to ask Caroline and Oliver to be Godparents.

For those wondering about when I'm going to get round to Phoebe and her proposed trip to South Africa, you can stop there because, quite frankly, I really don't care any more.

2011 is a momentous year – the Snells have been in Ambridge for 25 years (and nobody has tried to kill Lynda yet, which is in itself remarkable). How to celebrate? Party! The initial list comes to about 150 people and, as Lynda is waxing lyrical about celebrating friendship, Robert steers her outside to show her the llamas, which somebody has sprayed with pink dye. Lynda is distraught, but the llamas don't seem too bothered. Who could it be? Pink suggests a pre-teen female, although I suppose it could be young Jamie up to his old tricks, while at the same time undergoing a sexual identity crisis?

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