Tom Graham (Tom Archer)
So, the mystery celebrity to open the fete was Colin Dexter, who you'd really think had better things to do. He revealed that the murderer was Doris Perkins, the mother-in-law. Thank God that's over.
A faux pas by Brenda, who answered the phone to Lillian by saying "Matt's office". Oops! Don't forget whose money pays your wages, Bren – all that good work thrown away and Lillian rubbed it in on Friday, by sending Brenda shopping for her.
Still, Brenda did get a phone call from Tom early in the week. Was he going to propose? Or to declare undying love? Not exactly, as he told her "I've had a good response about the pies – I thought you'd like to know." God, yes – I bet she hadn't been able to concentrate on her work all morning and was agog with expectation. As it turned out, Tom decided not to go ahead with the veal and ham pie venture after three seconds' in-depth discussion with mother Pat. Pat then showed Tom Helen's first scan (sadly not her last, I suspect) and he had to do his impression of someone who cared.
Vicky's stint in the shop will do wonders for drumming up trade – for the supermarket. The woman seems incapable of keeping her gob shut for longer than two seconds and why nobody banged her head against the counter is a mystery.
However, for sheer, making-you-shout-at-the-radio-and-clench-your fist-in-annoyance, may I present Kathy Perks. Last week I suggested that she could moan a bit (OK, a lot) but this week she surpassed herself. Speaking about her relationship with Jamie, she said "I just seem to be an irritation." Too bloody right! And not just to Jamie, either.
We had the saga of Jamie posting a picture of his teacher Miss Osborne, in a rather tired and emotional state and wearing a revealing top, on his Facebook page. Not only was Jamie reprimanded, but when Kathy found out that the picture had originally been posted on the Jaxx website, Kenton's stock sank even lower, if that were possible. It didn't help when she found Kenton talking to the two Kiwi girl campers when he should have been reporting for a dressing down.
Despite taking the photo off the site, Kathy decided to let Miss Osborne know what had happened (after lengthy preaching at Jamie and moaning at Kenton). Both boys couldn't see what all the fuss was about – "let sleeping dogs lie" was Kenton's advice – but no, Ambridge's own caped crusader insisted that telling Miss O was the right thing to do, so she did. Instead of throwing a wobbler, Miss Osborne clearly couldn't give a toss and dismissed the whole thing, saying "I'll have to be more careful next time".
Nice one Kathy; in one stroke you have widened the gulf between you and your partner to chasm-like dimensions, further alienated your still-grieving son and made thousands of listeners ache to give you a good kicking. I can hardly wait for next week.