They Call Him Harry…

Michael Shelford (Harry)

Am I the only one to be struck by the similarities between the Jazzer/Harry storyline and the Benny Hill song "Ernie, the fastest milkman in the west"?

In the original, the romantic triangle was between Ernie, the widow Sue from 22 Liddley Lane and Two-Ton Ted, the baker. The Ambridge players are Jazzer, Fallon and Harry. It doesn't do to push the analogy too far – Fallon isn't a widow and she lives in a pub and both Jazzer and Harry are milkmen – but Harry is getting his cocoa (or, rather, his mineral water and Diet Coke) at Fallon's regularly. At least until the single wicket competition, that is – it will be interesting to see if she turfs him out afterwards and, if she doesn't, will Jazzer turn teetotal?

The burning question, of course, is which one of the lads is Ernie and which is Ted? Whichever claims to be the good guy (Ernie) should be careful – if you remember the song, Ernie was felled by a rock cake underneath the heart and a stale pork pie in the eye and it was Ted who ended up married to Sue. Personally, I can't imagine Jazzer as a good guy, but I will be listening carefully when Harry speaks to try to glean details of his background – wouldn't it be spooky if he originally came from Teddington, or named his milk float Trigger?

And now we return to a subject first aired a few weeks ago; that of the density of Jennifer Aldridge. When it comes to other peoples' relationships, the woman is as thick as a yard of lard and has the sensitivity of a cast-iron condom. Every time Lillian meets up with Paul (and we are talking pretty often here), who turns up, mouthing such tactless remarks such as "Paul – I never expected to see you here", leaving the unspoken question "are you bonking my sister?" hanging awkwardly in the air.

Even Paul has noticed, saying to Lillian "is your sister checking up on me?" Too right, she is. Being a gooseberry isn't enough for Jennifer, as she asks Lillian if she knows what she's doing and warns her of the possible consequences. In a rare flash of insight, Jennifer said "Of course, it's none of my business…" Hold that thought and give that woman a coconut! Spot on Jennifer, now butt out!

Let's be honest, Jennifer isn't that good at spotting relationships, is she? After all, when hubby Brian was bonking Siobhan, Jennifer suspected nothing and only found out about it when Brian returned home after a "business trip", complete with love-child.

Lillian and Paul are not her only concern, though, as she wailed to Lillian "The relationship between Mum and Ted has moved to a new level!" What's happened? A dirty weekend in Felpersham? Have they been spotted doing some al fresco bonking on Lakey Hill? Is the Summerhouse being used for immoral purposes? Er, not quite, as a breathless and distraught Jennifer told Lillian that "Mum and Ted went out for lunch and Mum insisted on paying her share!"

My God! Such depravity! Whatever next? Before you know it, they'll be sharing the same seat on the bus or Peggy will be inviting Ted in for tea in broad daylight. There's obviously life in the old dogs yet…