A Proper Night Out

A Cribbage Board

It’s the morning of the Flower and Produce Show and Jennifer’s apprehensive about the day ahead as she’s not sure how much the Ambridge grapevine has caught up with the news about Alice’s decision not to move back in with Chris. Brian lends her moral support and walks her down to the show where she will be helping out with the judging.

Jolene’s getting ready for the show by fiddling with her golden ivy and Kenton agrees it makes a most impressive centrepiece to her autumn-themed hanging basket. Eddie’s not pleased though as it will be going head to head with his and Clarrie’s entry, but a free pint from Jolene brings him round, and anyway he’s hopeful that his trimmed beetroot might bag him a prize. In the end Jolene ‘only’ gets highly commended but that’s better than Eddie’s trimmed beetroot that didn’t even get a third, in fact he hasn’t won anything at all. He couldn’t even win by nobbling half the village - all his efforts earned him was earache from Jennifer when she found out what he had been up to.

After judging, Jennifer takes to the microphone and rubs salt in Eddies’ wounds by announcing that Bert Fry has won the Freda Fry Memorial Cup - on top of his three first prizes. But wait, this year there’s an extra prize in memory of Joe Grundy - the entry that raised the biggest smile. No not Cecil Jackson’s eye-watering pickled shallots, but Poppy Grundy for her monkey on a plate collage.

With the show wrapped up until next year Jennifer pops in to see Chris at the workshop with a pair of pram shoes for Martha and tells him that she’s also popped a beef casserole in the freezer at The Nest. Then Amy pops in to say she’s bought Martha a sleep suit and Chris starts to worry that people are thinking that he can’t cope as a single parent. While Amy’s there he asks if she’d like to go out tomorrow night with him, Fallon and Harrison. Is that a date? 

They go to The Bull with Chris determined that he's going to have a ‘proper night out’, having been there since straight after work. His companions turn out to be lightweights and are soon on the coffee while Chris is sounding increasingly drunk. He gets so drunk in fact that Jolene asks him to leave and then Amy and Fallon have to help him home. Chris is staggering all over the place and throwing up but they finally get him home and have to put him in the recovery position on his bed incase he’s sick in his sleep (we’ve all been there). 

The incident that prompted Jolene to throw Chris involved him Cecil Jackson. Apparently before the girls turned up he was sitting with Cecil buying him drink after drink, before giving him a hug and asking the whole pub to toast the man with the smallest wallet but the biggest marrow in Ambridge, before tripping over and then losing his dinner over a cribbage board (I’d probably just throw that away - imagine trying to clean vomit out of all those little holes with a cocktail stick).

Amy gives Alice the heads-up and she finds him in the morning knowing only too well what he must be feeling like. She checks that he doesn’t want another drink and is relieved when he says the thought of it makes his stomach churn, as she would have reached for the bottle again. She tells him to take a shower while she looks after Martha and cooks him some breakfast. The irony of this role reversal isn’t lost on the pair of them and Chris tells Alice how impressed he is that she’s managing to stay dry.

The next day Alice is off to the stables to say goodbye to Banjo, and he’s pleased to see her. His new owner is an extremely accomplished rider called Rani Pershore but she won’t be picking him up until later so Shula suggests Alice takes him out for one last ride. Alice doesn’t think she deserves to because she feels she’s letting ‘Banj’ down but Shula says she needs to say a proper farewell to him. After the ride Alice grooms Banjo as he sighs appreciatively and tells Shula that she enjoyed it so much that she’d like to help Shula by taking the livery horses out now and then. 

Head clear after the ride Alice goes back to Willow cottage and promptly drops a bombshell on Brian and Jennifer - she and Chris are getting divorced. It’s her decision but knows it’s the best for everyone, and her and Chris will still be friends and good parents to Martha. Brian’s reaction is typical - Chris will be entitled to a share of Alice’s assets, especially if he’s awarded custody. And what assets are they I hear you ask? Well, her share of Home Farm of course!

Over on the Beechwood Estate Joy has spotted someone acting suspiciously outside her house and it bothers her. So is Joy’s neighbour Lee. Not only has he seen footprints outside his house, Johnny noticed strange goings-on when he was on the estate and found the side gate to Helen and Lee’s house open when there was nobody home. Lee thinks he know’s who’s been poking around and doesn’t waste any time getting Helen and the boys to safety, packing them all off to Bridge Farm. The school’s alerted as Helen agrees that it’s Rob making an unwelcome return and is going to try and abduct his son Jack again (he kidnapped him 4 years ago but was foiled by Helen - see He’s Out Of My Life Forever).

They also contact the police, for what good that will do. When he fled to America the police said they would flag him as a person of interest should he try to return to the UK - so that worked then. Whatever Rob does next Lee’s convinced that they’ll have to stop him themselves - keep those knives sharp and handy Helen. Tony goes round to put up a security camera while under Joy’s unwanted supervision but she does come in handy though as a test subject to ensure the cameras’ movement sensor works. 

I suppose at the very least having a Joy Horville early warning system on your house would come in very useful indeed.

Like Father, Like Son

Trevor Harrison (Eddie Grundy)

Last week we were wondering where Kenton had got to, when lo and behold he pops up right at the start of this weeks’ episodes. Eddie and Oliver are drinking cider and discussing Eddie’s plan to win the Freda Fry Memorial Cup at the Flower and Produce show in the honour of his late father, Joe. Eddie’s been working his way round the village dissuading (or ‘taking out’) people from entering and thinks he has a pretty clear run enabling him to scoop enough firsts to win the ultimate prize. Oliver calls it ‘nobbling’ and isn’t happy, probably because he’s a decent sort of chap, so you can imagine what he thinks when Eddie suggests he has a word with Kenton about withdrawing from the hanging basket competition. 

Oliver pops into The Bull to pop the question but completely fluffs it, saying how sad he is which leads Kenton and Jolene to think he’s talking about lockdown. After this he hasn’t the heart to ask them to withdraw, which he eventually confesses to Eddie, but Eddie doesn’t accept failure so lightly and tells Oliver they’ll go round in the morning and he’ll show him how it’s done. Eddie lays it on thick as he chokes back the tears, but Kenton’s not having any of it - the competition means a lot to The Bull too - but says he’ll have a word with Jolene - which he also fluffs. It takes Fallon to bring him to his senses when she points out that he’s is in effect talking about standing aside for Joe Grundy when Joe is someone who had conned him out of more free pints than he can remember. Which brings us to this weeks’ title, like father like son. Spurred on by this he tells Jolene that they’re going to wipe the floor with Eddie Grundy and his hanging baskets!

It’s a big week for Jennifer as Alice’s spell in rehab is coming to an end. Jennifer goes round to see Peggy as a first step in reconciling their relationship after Jennifer blamed her for making Alice’s situation worse. Peggy wants to give her a prayer card she’s had in her bag for 50 years as she thinks now is the perfect time to pass it on. It was given to her by a chaplain at the sanatorium that looked after her first husband, Jennifer’s father. It’s the Fishermans’ Prayer - dear God be good to me, the sea is so wide and my boat is so small.

Jennifer and Chris go to see Alice at her rehab clinic, and by their reaction she’s looking very well. Alice has been keeping a diary and but it’s full of spaces as she’s blanked so much of what happened out. Alices’ counsellor, Luke, is keen to go through the impact letters that Jennifers brought with her. Jennifer starts. I’ll spare you the details but halfway through Alice needs a break. Chris goes next but his letter is very short, or it is now after he crossed most of it out. They both feel drained but positive that there may be good news ahead as Alice seems so well. But Alice may have other ideas as she’s not sure she wants to go home at all.

Over at the tea room it’s all hands on deck as they’ve under-catered for a 75th birthday party - not Fallon’s fault but the organiser’s. They need more help (Harrison’s proved to be useless in the kitchen) so Fallon calls in a favour from Jennifer who jumps at the chance of a distraction and predictably takes over and gets the team running like clockwork. Fallon sees that it did her good to do something different, and makes up a story about a diary clash to persuade her to take over judging from her at the Flower and Produce show. Jenny’s not sure at first but in the end sees it as symbolic of new beginnings now that Alice has the opportunity to make a fresh start.

Alice comes back to Ambridge and has a heart to heart with Emma who tries to convince her that going back to Chris would be best, and is she really going to rely on help from everyone else but the man she loves? Yes, she does, but it’s breaking her heart. When Alice turns up at The Nest she finds that Chris has put up a ‘welcome home’ banner and she holds Martha for the first time in ages while Chris cooks dinner - a Thai curry. After dinner Chris shows Alice Martha’s memory box including a drawing he did of Martha asleep. It reminds Alice of all the time she wasted and all the times she made Chris miserable, but Chris is determined to be a family again and asks Alice to come home. Alice is not moving back in yet, preferring to stay at Willow Cottage. In fact she might not move back at all as she thinks she has to continue fighting her addiction on her own, to the point of giving up on her marriage.

Another marriage showing the strain is Ian and Adams’.There’s cross words at Honeysuckle cottage as an exhausted Adam is struggling to keep awake when he should be looking after Xander. Ian calls during his shift at Grey Gables but Xander answers (he’s 2 remember) because Adam’s fast asleep. When Ian returns in a hurry he finds their son on his own in the kitchen surrounded by knives, spilled milk, jam and cereal.

Adam thinks he just needs more rest but Ian thinks it’s also the job as his boss doesn’t have a background in farming and seems to be a bit of a handful - for example going against Adam’s advice in favour of things he’s seen on the internet. He’s also texting in the evening and asking Adam to do extra hours including giving up a Saturday. The pair rack their brains looking for a solution and Ian suggests they move.

I think I’ve got the answer as it’s clearly another case of like father like son. Next time leave out a stool so Xander can reach the hob and make a start on dinner as he’s clearly showing signs of inheriting Ians’ talents in the kitchen.

Will Chris Migrate Back To His Nest?

Wilf Scolding (Chris Carter)

We have a big mystery on our hands this week. No, not what’s happened to Kenton who’s been missing in action for the best part of this year, even missing the village fete, but the disappearance of Susan’s green lasagne dish. Could Kenton have made off with it? Oh hang on, it’s not a mystery, Shula’s still got it from when Neil took a lasagne round to her when she broke her arm. Susan goes round to collect it and grills Shula on what exactly Neil has been doing round there all this time when she was on her knees with the exhaustion of it all. Don’t worry Susan I don’t think Shula was on her knees, as much as Neil would have wanted her to be, he maybe just wanted to spend time somewhere more peaceful than at home.

When Neil comes in exhausted from a shift at the piggery, he walks into an atmosphere as cold as Susan’s pantry. He’s expecting his dinner to be on but instead Susan’s busy cleaning the oven. He suggests making a start and Susan asks why he doesn’t make her his special lasagne. He says they might have it on at The Bull if she fancies going out but she says she hates lasagne - especially his! He hasn’t got a clue what’s going on so storms off to the pub to get some anyway.

When Neil makes a determined effort to find out what’s wrong (can he really be that insensitive?) Susan doesn’t help. Instead of asking whether he and Shula are having an affair, she comes at it completely left field by asking how he felt when Shula fell off her horse. The answer, obviously, is shocked, upset and worried as well as guilty that he might have contributed to it because she was on the phone to him when she fell. Her follow up question is how did he feel on his subsequent visits to Shula’s? Susan’s point is that he’d rather spend time with Shula than with her, and finally she asks the question - “are you in love with Shula?”. Outraged, Neil tells Susan that she’s the woman he loves, she’s been his ‘better half’ for 37 years, and that’s the way it’ll be until the day he dies. Shula is his friend but Susan is his lover and soul-mate. 

Neil then turns it back on Susan asking whether it’s more of a case that she feels differently about him now, but no - she’ll never stop loving him she says.Neil feels compelled to go round to the stables and apologise to Shula for not listening to her warnings about the gossip in the village and says that he won’t be dropping in unannounced any more, but if she needs him, she knows where he is. “Look after yourself” she whispers longingly as he leaves.

Amy Franks is back from Nottingham for a visit and her and Chris exchange notes about Alice, Martha and Amy’s experience of being a midwife during COVID. Later on she gets to meet Martha and takes her to the playground with Chris. Chris and Amy have a bit of a heart-to-heart and he tells her that he’s planning to move out of Ambridge View and into a place of his own - well actually his own place - The Nest, the former holiday cottage that he and Alice had made their home. He’s interrupted by an email from Alice’s rehab clinic (she’s due out next week) suggesting he pays her a visit together with Jennifer. The idea is that they and Brian write letters to Alice saying how her drinking affected them and then read them out to her now she’s sober. Apparently this will be a vital part of her recovery but Brian’s not convinced, thinking that if they set out exactly what Alice’s drinking has done to them all, the guilt will cripple her and they'll be back to square one. He can’t get her words out of his head - “I hate you Dad I hate you!”.

Ben takes Beth up Lakey Hill for a picnic. She tells him how her ex-boyfriend had had a fling with her best friend and goes on to say how she doesn’t understand how people can be so fake with their relationships (like Ben finishing with Evie so he can go out with you, you mean). She fancies going for a swim in the Am but Ben says the river Perch would be better and they make a date for next Wednesday. When Wednesday comes round Beth dares him to go skinny-dipping and holds out a bottle of gin she’s brought along as an incentive. But first Chris feels that he has to come clean about ending his relationship with Evie and sounds genuinely contrite but Beth appreciates his honesty and as punishment pushes him into the river fully clothed.

Eddie’s feeling maudlin as it would have been Joe’s 100th birthday soon, and he would have been busy helping get things ready for the turkey season as this year’s poults arrive. Oliver suggests a special cider club celebration in his honour but Eddie’s not in the mood. He does have idea of how to win big (by cheating of course) at the upcoming Flower and Produce show but  first he has a job to do as Joy Horville is calling in the ‘relaxing treat’ she exchanged for the prize she won at the village fete - a mystery tour in Eddie’s limousine. 

Much to Eddie’s horror she doesn’t take up position in the back, but up front in the passenger seat right next to him, where she says they can have a lovely chat. Eddie tries to get out of it without success so has no choice but to go ahead, with the theme being (which he makes up on the spot) modern rural life. What does that mean? Well, a visit to the market to see the sheep auction, a sausage and egg sandwich from a roadside tea wagon, and some free labour topping up his poults’ food and water.

Hi have to say that Joy is turning to to be one of the more dependable characters in Ambridge and seems able to fit in wherever she goes and whoever she meets. Apart from her ability to talk the hind legs off a donkey, she doesn’t seem to be a bad neighbour to have. But of course Eddie only sees a situation of which he can take advantage, and when she mentions that she will be entering the Flower and Produce Show Eddie asks in which categories. When she tells him he tries pulling on her heartstrings by saying that they’re the ones that his grandchildren Keira and Mia are entering and have set their hearts on winning, in memory of their great grandad Joe who always dreamed of winning but never did. It looks like his plan is working as Joy says that in that case she might miss this years’ show, but judging on past events, I wouldn’t be surprised if she manages to teach Eddie a much-needed lesson or two.

There’s No Accounting For Taste

Simon Williams & Sunny Ormonde (Justin Elliott & Lilian Bellamy)

Justin and Lilian have got a few bob to spend from the sale of a barn and Lilian has seen an opportunity to by a first class bay horse (more commonly known in non-horsey circles as a brown one) and has engaged Jakob to give it the once-over. Justin is irritated by this as he’s arranged a short break for them both to the Isle of Wight and he’s worried about missing their ferry. Adding to his irritation is the fact that it’s a Sunday so Jakob’s fee is going to be astronomical on top of the hundreds of thousands for the nag itself. Despite the King’s ransom he’ll be paid, Jakob is irritated as well, mainly due to Justin and Lilian’s attempts to get him to hurry up. They should know by now, as do we, that Jakob’s not the hurrying type, especially as the horse, Double Bill, is the most valuable animal he’s ever assessed. Lilian tries turning on the charm to get Jakob to tip her the wink (does she know him at all?) but he insists on being thorough by requesting blood tests and an ultrasound, which will take hours. Justin and Lilian depart with a request to be contacted as soon as the results are in.

Once ensconced in the ferry’s bar they start to unwind with a couple of G&T’s (I hope the bar’s well stocked) and Justin lets on about his real intentions for their trip. He thinks that instead of sinking their funds in an eventer they should instead buy a yacht! Apparently eventing was his ex-wife Miranda’s thing and that’s put him off for life, whereas he thinks Lilian would rather re-kindle her apparent love of sailing. Furthermore he thinks that Damara and Amside should have their own racing team and they could travel the world. For ‘love of sailing’ read ‘over exaggerated boasting to Mandy Beesborough about her sailing prowess’ so, how do you get out of this one Lilian? 

Lilian’s plan is to beat Justin to the post and buy the horse before Justin has a chance to buy a yacht, but Jakob’s taking longer than expected to report the results. To further pile on the pressure, when they meet the broker Nancy in Cowes, she turns out to be one of Lilian’s old acquaintances from her sailing days out of Guernsey. We learn that Lilian used to be called Lighthouse Lil, because she used to glow after a few drinks (and not because she was a navigational aid to passing sailors although she may have been that too). Out of earshot of Justin Nancy can’t resist reminding Lilian about an incident that happened last time she was in a boat - something about a phantom walrus of all things.

Nancy shows the pair around a couple of boats and Justin is very impressed with the woodwork and overall craftsmanship, while Lilian is very dismissive. Alongside this, Nancy is simultaneously bigging-up Lilian’s abilities saying that her piloting skills are something to be believed, while flattering and fawning all over Justin and extolling the prospect of relaxing between races on a fully-crewed yacht. It’s when Nancy starts picking her up on her boating terminology that Lilian starts to bite (fair enough, even I know the pointy end is the stern - or is it the bow?) and is compelled to spill the beans. Apparently the incident with the fictitious walrus, that incidentally turned out be a rock, resulted in their keel being ripped off and having to be rescued by a lifeboat. She was never, she confesses, a very good sailor and in fact positively hated it - she was only trying to fit in with the crowd.

So it’s back to the horse and Jakob’s got some preliminary results through and it’s not good news. Double Bill has got a serious case of PSD (Proximal Suspensory Desmitis) in both hind legs which would require surgery to prevent it developing into lameness. Lilian is at a loss to how it wasn’t obvious when they saw the horse but Jakob has found out why - it had been doped with bute (phenylbutazone), an anti-inflammatory drug which would have disguised the problem. So that’s the yacht and the horse out of the picture, so what to spend the money on? 

Alistair has agreed to look after a West Highland Terrier called Mousse owned by an elderly client of his while she’s in hospital having a dodgy foot seen to. Alistair warns Jazzer about the Westie’s attitude just as she’s sinking her teeth into him. On the other hand she’s all over Jazzer, demanding belly rubs and ear skritches, which is a good thing as later on Alistair is incapable of looking after her at the surgery because she won’t leave Jakob alone. Alistair brings Mousse back to Greenacres for Jazzer to look after and discovers that far from having a problem with strangers, Mousse just seems to have a problem with Alistair, as she runs straight to Tracy for more fussing. Mousse isn’t a fan of the classics either which she demonstrates by knocking over and smashing Jim’s Cicero mug - you know, the one with “De gustibus non disputandum est!” written on it - that was a present from his last tutor group.

Jakob hasn’t been handling the pressure of assessing Double Bill very well and takes it out on his practice nurse Denise, saying that she’s even more annoying than ‘that stupid dog’ mousse. This is the last straw for Denise who’s had to put up with Jakob’s lack of manners for the past two years, and she quits. It’s obvious that he’s never appreciated her - when he’s looking for sample pots he eludes that running round after him gave her something to do in-between looking after hamsters! His penance is to take his share of looking after her small animal clinic - first up is a rat with mites - and he then has to ring Denise to apologise, hoping she’ll come back.

Denise comes in to the practice and Jakob starts a grovelling apology which is interrupted by Lilian bursting in bearing one of Underwoods’ finest summer hampers as a thank-you for doing such a thorough job over Double Bill, saving her shed-loads of money. Back to the apology and Jakob starts to make the situation worse but pulls it out of the bag at the last minute when he realises that continuing to see clients would make the fact that Denise’s children are leaving home more bearable. Alistair makes it a double-whammy by suggesting she re-homes Mousse as her owner has had to go into a nursing home and the alternative would be taking her to the pet rescue.

By the way, before you reach for your old school Latin-English dictionary, the slogan on Jim’s mug roughly translates as “there’s no accounting for taste”, which pretty well sums up the various storylines in this week’s episodes.

Finis.

Out With Evie, In With Beth

Rebecca Fuller (Beth Casey)

Elizabeth and Lily are getting ready for the Casey wedding. So is David as he’s trying to get everything ready - he’s even agreed to Steph’s request to be greeted by two ewes on arrival. It’s fallen on Roooooth to sort that out and is relying on Elizabeth to give her the heads-up when they’re on their way. Vince, meanwhile, is making furrows in the lawn with his relentless pacing up and down as he worries about seeing his estranged daughter Beth and her ‘waste of space’ boyfriend Nathan.

At the reception the champagne’s flowing and judging by Lily’s critique of the other guests it’s quite the trashy affair. There are facelifts and tattooed eyebrows galore and Steph’s dress is covered in 50,000 hand-sewn crystals (really?) and Vince’s exes are getting hammered. There’s no mention of how groom Liam is dressed - I’m imagining a man-bun, stubble, open necked shirt and loafers with no socks.

Beth and Elizabeth get talking. To be honest, on conversation alone, Beth seems to be the more well-adjusted of the Casey daughters. I warmed to her right from the moment she called David an ‘old dude’ in-front of Roooooth and Elizabeth. Liz turns out to be a mediator between Beth and her father Vince and persuades Beth to approach him. We learn that Beth and Nathan have split up, and Beth concedes that her father may have had a point about him, admitting that he was ‘a total loser’. 

Over at Home Farm they’re setting up a conference call with Debbie so that they can all interview the two shortlisted candidates for the new farm manager - Barnaby and Stella. We’re not included to the actual interviews, but the outcome is that everyone wants to give the job to Stella, except that is Brian, who wants Barnaby to have it. Kate calls Barnaby a mini-Brian and Jennifer agrees saying that he had ‘no spark’ and wasn’t bringing any new ideas. Kate smells a rat and discovers that Brian had encouraged him to apply, and he must have thought it was in the bag. Brian’s hurt that he didn’t get his way and excuses himself sharply to do some ‘real farming’.

When Stella arrives at Home Farm to discuss terms she says all the right things, but drives a hard bargain over her salary, asking for 10 percent more to cover her accommodation costs (her last job included a place to live). Brian counters with 5 percent but when Stella expresses doubts Jennifer offers 7.5 and has her hand bitten off. Brian’s ego is bruised and feels surplus to requirements as effectively all the decisions over the recruitment process were made by the rest of the family. 

Josh has signed a deal with Borsetshire Catering to supply them with eggs but have given them a massive discount, and plans to recoup the profits later. Ben’s got something on his mind, or rather someone - he’s fallen for Beth Casey and can’t deal with it as he’s still going out with Evie, his girlfriend of nearly a year now. His brother Josh wisely counsels him not to rush into something he might regret. Pip picks up on his mood too and it turns out that Josh has already spilled the beans on his younger brothers’ love life. He’s tormenting himself as he can’t decide what to do and pleads with Pip to make the decision for him. While she doesn’t exactly do that, she says that if Ben’s having doubts about Evie then maybe he should follow his instincts. He doesn’t even know how to break up with her so gets Pip’s advice on that too, and then wastes no time in going off to do the deed. It goes as well as expected of course, with a tearful Evie taking it very badly. Ben other the other hand is straight on the phone to Beth.

Christopher is noticing that his parents don’t seem to be getting on as well as normal and puts it down to the stress of looking after Martha and comments that they never take time to relax together. Neil thinks it will blow over and tells Chris as much, but Susan thinks it goes deeper than that and confides in Pat that she thinks their relationship is in trouble - “it’s like somethings coming between us” she says. Speaking of which, Neil runs into Shula and she apologies for how she spoke to him a couple of weeks ago. She asks about Alice and while explaining what’s happening he tells Shula how much he’s missed her - and then starts to break down. Shula’s advice is the same as Pats’ - making an effort to spend more time together.

That opportunity soon arises as Christopher has a surprise for his parents. He, Emma and Tracy are treating them to a meal at Grey Gables so they can spend a night with each other in peace and quiet. In fact the dinner is very peaceful and very quiet as they struggle to make conversation together, and what conversation they do make is like treading on eggshells (and if it’s Josh’s eggs the shells will be very fragile indeed unless his hen’s have made a speedy recovery from their Bronchitis). It’s hardly the most dynamic piece of radio drama you’ll hear, but the sound effects department certainly earn their money with the full-on generic restaurant ambience, although I’d have appreciated them reigning in Susan and Neil’s eating noises a bit (I think they may have re-used an old recording of Neil feeding his pigs).

Nothing much of note happens until Neil mentions Shula and the sudden drop of temperature in the room is palpable and it’s remarkable that Neil doesn’t pick up on Susan’s change in tone. She puts down her knife and fork and he asks if there’s something wrong with her food. “No Neil, something’s wrong with us” and cites the awkward silences and chit-chat to pass the time instead of proper conversation as evidence. Is it tiredness as Neil suggests or is there a more fundamental problem? They skip desert and go home early, much to Chris’s surprise, and while Neil stays up with a hot chocolate in front of the telly, it’s straight to bed for Susan.

A more enjoyable dinner is had by Lily and Russ, who are over at No.6 The Green where they are Tracey and Jazzers’ guests. Far from Russ’s prediction of a miserable evening spent over a Pot Noodle supper, Tracy impresses with a chicken dish the details of which we are not privy too. Perhaps this is a teaser for a Tracy Horrobin cookbook - it would make a nice companion to the Jennifer Aldridge cookbook which I recently snapped up for £1 at a local village fete. Lily, who is barely older than Chelsea, suggests she might be motivated by the chance to take driving lessons, which out of financial necessity, Tracy will deliver.

I remember when Lily herself was learning to drive and Kenton took her and Freddie out for a lesson. I think ‘shell-shocked’ was his reaction. Let’s hope that Chelsea is a better student and Tracy a more competent instructor!

 

No Authority - No Authority At All

Jackie Weaver

Both Harrison and Fallon have an afternoon off but It seems that Fallon would like to spend her time with Vincent. Who is Vincent? Vincent is one half of Fallon’s entry for the scarecrow competition at the village fete and is modelled on Vincent Vega, John Travolta’s character in Reservoir Dogs. The other half? Mia Wallace the gangster’s wife, played by Uma Thurman in the film. Fallon’s not sure she’s got Vincent’s hair right so heads off to the village hall where the theatrical wigs are stored. I wonder what scene she’ll have them reenacting, the one where Mia overdoses on Heroin and Vincent injects adrenaline into her heart to restart it? No of course not, dancing the twist at Jack Rabbit Slim’s restaurant of course!

Someones been messing with The Bull’s scarecrow and it’s now leaning against the pub surrounded by empty wine bottles and apparently bears more than a passing resemblance to Alice. The real Alice is nowhere to be found. Brian and Jennifer thought she was in her room but her bed’s not been slept in and it doesn’t take long for the whole village to be out looking for her. Brian’s just about to start driving round the village when Jenny gets a message from her saying she’s ok and will be back soon.

The wine bottles will have to be cleared away from the scarecrow as to everyone’s surprise Alice is back in rehab, and she’s sent a short letter to Jennifer explaining how it happened. Apparently she turned up at Shula’s very upset and asked her to sell Banjo to help fund a return to rehab. It could take weeks to sell the horse so Shula advanced her the money. Jennifer’s very grateful and relieved as it looks like Alice’s battle with alcohol may have turned a corner.

Mystery still surrounds the identity of the celebrity guest who will be opening the fete and judge the scarecrow competition, but could it be the one who’s wandering around the village? One whom I would suspect would do rather well on the real Mastermind, and certainly wipe the floor with the competition on the celebrity version just as she did with the chair of Handforth parish council. The first person to encounter her is Tracy Horrobin who thinks she’s her old domestic science teacher but Jackie Weaver (for it is she) is gracious in her misunderstanding. Jackie’s looking for Usher and Tracy shows her where she is, all the time rubbishing everyone else’s scarecrows. Tracy, for what it’s worth, has made a Minion. Wikipedia’s description is “characterised by their childlike behaviour and unique language, which is almost intelligible at times” - that’s Minions not Tracy Horrobin.

But there’s trouble as well as tea brewing at the refreshment tent as Hilary Noakes and Audrey Fisher have raised an angry mob to protest against the scarecrow competition. Lynda wants a show of strength by raising a militia to dispel the protest but Usher is sent to negotiate terms instead, while Tracy distracts Jackie Weaver by taking her back home for a cuppa. Jackie see’s through the ruse so Tracy spills the beans about what’s really going on while Jackie listens intently. Usha’s mission is futile and just when all seems lost Jackie Weaver’s voice is heard over the loudspeakers. 

After introducing herself she addresses the protesters and explains that her experience in local government matters tells her that they may be contravening various areas of legislation - blocking the public highway without first informing the police, carrying out activities that are outside the scope of the fete’s license, and finally she informs them that they have no authority - no authority at all! Once the protest has dispersed she eschews the offer of more tea in favour of a half of Shires.

In other news Adam’s been offered a farm manager job at Danforth Barton Farm, a 4,000 acre farm on the other side of Felpersham, the commute to and from which will play havoc with Zanda’s childcare. Ian Is very supportive but Adam’s worried out the effect on their marriage too. It’s Adam’s ideal job so they both agree to make it work. Adam gives Brian two week’s notice and he takes the news well and they both end up being philosophical about the 18 years they’ve spent working together. Jenny on the other hand is furious, not so much about Adam leaving but that it’s obviously been known about for ages and she hasn’t been kept in the loop about an important development. She’s determined to be fully involved in the selection of the new farm manager.

Over to Lower Loxley and there someone else is about to get furious. Elizabeth goes hat shopping for Steph’s wedding assisted by Lily, and Liz wonders whether she will soon be buying another hat for another wedding. Not yet, says Lily, although their relationship is going well and her and Russ are going away for the night (to Grey Gables!) which Lily will pay for out of her bonus that’s just come through. When Elizabeth Shows Vince the hat she’s chosen his reaction is not what she expected; “did you keep the receipt?” It’s not because he doesn’t like it, but Vince says that Steph’s put him in a difficult position by asking for Lizzie to be uninvited. The official excuse given by Vince is to keep the numbers down but Lily discloses that her and Russ have just had an invite and after talking to Steph there seems to be spare places.

Elizabeth asks Vince a straightforward question to which she expects a simple answer - who’s telling the truth about the wedding, Vince or his daughter Steph? The answer is that Steph was telling the truth and Vince lied because he found out that all three of his ex-wives and his estranged daughter will be at the wedding and none of them have a good word to say about him. He didn’t want Elizabeth exposed to all his dirty linen but knows he’s messed up and asks her to accompany him after all. Elizabeth accepts but makes it very clear that he’s messed up for the last time - there will be no more chances after this. She won’t be lied to again.

Lily and Russ turn up at Grey Gables for their night away but there’s been a mix-up and Roy’s allocated them a single room. He changes the booking but this time allocates them a room with twin beds. Roy’s not quite with it and so Tracy changes it this time to a double. Russ isn’t happy with the mix ups and is even less pleased when Tracy invites them round to her house for dinner. The time Tracy and Roman came round to Lower Loxley isn’t an evening he’s likely to forget, and just incase he does, Lily accepts the invitation. It’s turns out that Tracy has an ulterior motive as she wants to pick their brains about Chelsea and her poor exam results. This concern for her daughter’s education pricks Russ’ conscience and suddenly he’s happy to accept and his whole demeanour changes. I’m sure, like me, that you’re looking forward to the evening chez Tracy and Jazzer with great anticipation.

And finally, I know you can’t wait to find out who won the scarecrow competition. I was rather hoping that Jackie Weaver would make an innocent faux-pas and award the prize to The Bull, but no, it was Rex and Phoebe with their depiction of a family camping scene. How nice.

It's Time - I'm Leaving

Arthur Hughes (Ruairi Donovan)

Two weeks into babysitting Alice and Amy Franks has had enough. Alice is going back home but things are still far from happy there as Jennifer and Peggy still haven’t resolved their differences.  However Jennifer’s in a more positive (if naive) mood when she’s says that whatever Alice does now, she’ll just let it wash over her.

Seasoned listeners (and/or readers of our humble blog) will recognise that as a cue to gird our collective loins as there’s going to be something less like a gentle wash and more like a tsunami, and sure enough we see the sea receding from the shore as Alice and Ruairi are talking. Tetchy to say the least, Alice is irritated by Ruairi’s gentle questions and reassurances when all he is trying to do is understand her situation so he can help. 

Alice nips out for a quick sniff of Jolene’s apron and returns with a handbag full of ‘lunch’ but Jennifer can see, and probably smell, the vodka. Then the tsunami hits and within moments leaves a trail of devastation. ‘Hateful’ is how Jennifer describes Alice’s systematic destruction of the family - Brian’s extracurricular ‘shagging’ which was apparently due to Jennifer’s nagging, and how Ruairi isn’t a proper part of the family, “the little bastard that no-one planned and no-one wanted”, a mistake, “a cuckoo in the nest”. She goes on to say that it’s been a pain to have been around “the little brat sobbing over his dead mummy” and no-one could say what they really felt about him.

Alice goes on to say that Ruairi destroyed Jennifer and that her and Kate had to rally round Jenny when Siobhan’s CD arrived (she recorded a message to him just before she died which he received on his 18th birthday). There’s an element of truth to this that Jennifer cannot deny and an upset Ruairi has to leave the room. Alice carries on spewing out her bile and only a sharp slap on the face from Jennifer stops her.

The next morning Ruairi’s up early as he’s anxious to get to school to pick up his exam results. Alice’s rant has had a profound affect on how he feels about his family, and he stayed over at Ben’s because he couldn’t face going back to Adam’s. He tells Ben that he’s sick of all of them and wants to make sure his results are enough for him to get on with his life. Of course he smashes it with 3 A stars and can go to London to study, which he can’t wait to do. In fact so keen is he to get away from Ambridge that he’s booked tickets to Ireland to see the rest of his family, is leaving tomorrow and will probably go straight to college from there. Jennifer tries to dissuade him and the conversation is calmer without Alice around, but Ruairi doesn’t change his mind. It’s time - he’s leaving.

While all this is going on, Alan is speculating about the mystery celebrity who will be opening the village fete. It is still officially a secret but Lilian can’t contain herself and tells him that Lynda has nominated herself on the basis of having an MBE. The best response Alan can manage is “I suppose we could do worse” while Lilian thinks that anyone you could buy a box of matches off in the village shop hardly counts as a celebrity. I tend to agree, although at least I would have heard of her - half the time I haven’t got a clue who these so-called celebrities are who pop up on TV with alarming regularity. And why I’m on the subject, why are the questions on ‘celebrity’ game shows always so much easier than on the regular versions? But I digress.

Lynda has troubles of her own. Audrey Fisher (who we only recently became aware of when she was voted in as interim chair of the parish council) and Hilary Noakes (long-standing opponent of anything that might bring a little joy to the residents of Ambridge) object to the scarecrow competition on the flimsy associations between scarecrows and death and horror. Their plan is to have the village fete’s license revoked by escalating the issue to the local MP. Alan gets his solicitor wife Usha on the case and she’s pretty sure that Audrey and Hilary’s plan will fail. What’s more she has a contact who faced a similar situation so will check with her just to make sure.

Finally back to Alice. She’s full of regrets and isn’t made to feel any better when she encounters her father in the kitchen. I could tell he wasn’t happy because I lost count of the times he repeated Alice’s words back to her - “don’t be hard on me!”