Pre-Wedding Nerves Or Paranoia?

Stephen Kennedy (Ian Craig)

Ian had a heart to heart with Helen and he confides that he thinks there might be something going on between Adam and Charlie. Helen asks what makes him think that? Ian says he’s never been able to work out what Adam really thinks about Charlie, plus they had lunch together at Grey Gables last week. Helen, who saw Adam and Charlie kissing on New Year’s Eve, says that that doesn’t mean anything, but Ian says that they sometimes look at each other as if they’re more than friends. “Tell me I’m wrong Helen; tell me I’m being paranoid” he pleads.

Helen tries to reassure him (presumably with crossed fingers), saying that all couples - with the exception of her and Rob, of course - have their periods of doubt and Adam has asked Ian to marry him. “Of course he loves you” she says stoutly. Ian agrees, saying: “Of course he does - he’s even coming to watch the football with me and he’s not a fan”. The football in question is on TV at The Bull, so it’s not really that much of a sacrifice, is it?

Adam certainly seems to be spending lots of time with Charlie lately - on Tuesday, Adam, Charlie and Pip visit an exhibition devoted to the use of technology in farming. Adam remains unconvinced and, when he goes to get them some food, Charlie tells Pip “If it’s the last thing I do, I’ll convince Adam that technology is the future of farming”. He also shows Pip a magazine with job adverts (some of which are overseas) and he suggests that the experience would be good for her and why not at least look at the company’s website? “What have you got to lose?” he asks. Good at planting seeds, these farmers.

On Thursday, Charlie phones Adam and invites him over to see a video of a farmer from Ohio who has developed his own grazing system. “You’ll be very impressed” Charlie promises him. In fact, Adam professes himself ‘amazed’ - “sustainable and profitable” he gasps. Over a beer, the two discuss cricket and Charlie reveals that he used to be a bit of an all-rounder, plus he was a stand-in wicket keeper too. No doubt he did a bit of umpiring and was head grounds man and sandwich maker in his spare time as well.

Charlie says that, when his ankle is better, he intends to try out for the Ambridge cricket team, which will make Ian even more unhappy as Adam and Charlie spend even more time together.

Talking about the cricket team, after last season’s unimpressive showing, this year there appears to be an embarrassment of riches. At nets, Johnny shows that he is a more than useful swing bowler and Alistair and Tony talk about Harrison Burns, who apparently used to play some club cricket and is keen to try out for the team. I fully expect Kevin Pietersen to come and live in the village at this rate. And while we’re on the subject of cricket, what has happened to Iftikar?

One person who might not be playing so much in the future is Alistair; he tells Rooooth that he is struggling just to keep his head above water, having lost all his equipment and his premises in the flood. He’s had to start all over again and it is taking it out of him, plus he has no time or energy for a social life.

On Wednesday, he is off early for a meeting in Darrington, snatching a sandwich to eat on the way. Shula has a meeting too - in Felpersham with Richard Locke. The two reminisce - Richard said he was sorry when he learned of Nigel’s death and remembers Nigel’s stag night, where Nigel wore a gorilla suit. When Daniel was a child, he wasn’t well (juvenile arthritis) and Dr. Locke treated him. He’d like to see Dan again, so Shula invites him to lunch - she’ll check when Alistair and Dan are free and give Richard a call. Back at The Stables later, Shula tells Alistair about the invite, but he is exhausted and just says “OK” as he drags his weary body off for a shower.

Rob was back to his manipulative best last week - Helen is quite pleased at the prospect of opening up a farm shop at Bridge Farm, but Rob doesn’t want her working, so he has a quiet word with Tom. Rob asks whether Tom has noticed how tired Helen has been since working at Ambridge Organics? He says “no” and adds that he feels that working seems to be good for her. Rob says that she is stressed inside and anyway, they are trying for a baby. In that case, says Tom, perhaps they can manage with her doing less. “Or maybe without her altogether?” Rob suggests, adding “All I’m asking you is to let her put herself and her family first”. Tom might have pointed out that he, Pat and Tony are Helen’s family too, but he doesn’t.

The following day, Tom and Helen are talking and he lets slip that Rob said they are trying for a baby. She is somewhat annoyed and tells Tom that, for the record, they aren’t trying yet. When Rob comes home, Helen has a go at him, telling him that some things should be kept private. He apologises, saying that running the shop was stressing her and he wants her to have “a secure and safe home life”, so just slip these handcuffs on Helen and hand back your door key. Rob’s tactics appear to be working, as, at the family meeting to discuss the future of the shop, Helen is now lukewarm about the project.

Drama towards the end of the week - Rob arrives home and Helen points out a letter that has arrived. “It looks official” she says. “It’s the test results” Rob says and opens it. “Take a look for yourself - it was a complete waste of everyone’s time. Jess was calling my bluff and she lost. God knows what she was playing at”. Call me suspicious, but I don’t believe it - a reader sent in a comment (obviously he or she couldn’t wait for this week’s posting!) along the lines that Rob had the results letter sent to his place of work and he has produced a doctored replacement. We’ll have to wait and see; going on past experience, if there has been foul play, it’s bound to come out before long.

It was a bad week for Lilian - on Wednesday she took her newly-botoxed self to a wine bar and tried, unsuccessfully, to engage various people in conversation. The only one who spoke to her was the barman and he had no choice, poor sod. Relating the story to Jennifer, Lilian says that she went to the rest room and looked in the mirror, “Where I saw a sad, lonely, desperate old woman”. “Nonsense” says a supportive Jennifer, which is a bit more supportive than “You missed out ‘haggard’ and ‘with a look like a permanently startled faun’ ”.

Just to cheer Lilian up, she gets a visit from Lynda, who is staying at the Dower House and who wants to re-arrange all the furniture in accordance with her feng shui principles. Lilian feels insulted, but tells Jennifer that she is slightly envious of Lynda, who has “always got a project on the go”. True - and don’t we bloody know it!

This week’s ‘I’m glad it’s not TV’ moment was the description of Joe Grundy wearing pink corduroy trousers, courtesy of the charity donations. Not a pretty sight, according to Eddie.

Finally, on Friday, Pip and Daniel are off to some concert, having just had an earnest conversation about how important it is to vote and how people died for the right to…but no doubt you catch my drift. Anyone would think there’s an election in the offing. As she is on the point of leaving, Pip says that, due to the uncertainty about the road etc, they cannot really plan anything for the future and it will be a long time before they need her, so she’s off to see the world and she’s seen this job, where she can come back, armed with knowledge and experience and don’t wait up. Bye. David and Rooooth are stunned as she and Daniel leave. That Charlie Thomas has got a lot to answer for.

Fanning The (Old) Flame

Judy Bennett (Shula Hebden Lloyd)

Last week, we speculated whether Alistair might be having an affair (Instability At The Stables) as he’s acting peculiarly, to say the least. This week, it’s Shula’s behaviour that’s under scrutiny, but more of this later.

Last week we also commented on the fact that Ed had spent a lot of money on his new tractor without consulting Emma and she might not be best pleased. Well, she wasn’t, and bends Ed’s ear about how they are supposed to be partners and he could have given her a quick call. A chastened Ed says that, if she isn’t happy, he’ll take the tractor back, but she relents and says “If you’ve done the sums, I’m happy”. What? This is the man who had to sell some of his cows in order to pay his rent arrears - he probably can’t even spell ‘sums’, let alone do them.

Elsewhere, there are signs that Helen is gradually developing a mind of her own, which won’t please Rob. Not only did she work late the other night, but on Monday she tells Rob that she will come with him when he goes to the doctor’s to take the paternity test. He tells her that he doesn’t want her there and he’s very busy and is thinking of postponing the test. Helen counsels against it, saying that there will never be a good time to take the test and she’s coming with him and “no arguments”. Steady on there Helen - you’ll be taking charge of the remote control at this rate.

On the journey to the surgery, Rob is tetchy and morose and, when he talks to the doctor, he makes it clear that he’s only there under protest. The doctor explains that the DNA swab will be sent away and Rob will get a letter within 7-10 days. Who else will get the results? The mother and the Child Maintenance Service, which I reckon will give Rob lots of chances to pull the wool over Helen’s eyes (assuming he is the father, of course). I’d use your embryonic independence to demand that you see the actual letter, Helen - either that or examine his wage slips to see if the CMS are deducting money.

Now let’s discuss a moment of revelatory self-awareness. Susan is working in the temporary shop when Shula and Usha turn up. Rent-a-gob Susan bangs on about how nice it was to see Richard Locke earlier in the week and she suddenly realises that Shula was having an affair with him, while he was supposed to be Usha’s partner. “I should learn to keep my mouth shut” says an embarrassed Susan, but Usha tells her that she spoke to Richard at The Messiah and whatever happened in the past is ancient history.

Apart from the fact that Usha missed out on the chance to really make Susan squirm, let’s talk about Susan’s statement. First of all, she obviously missed out the word ‘big’ and secondly, in the years this blog has been running, I have on more than one occasion suggested that she has the words she uttered tattooed back to front on her forehead and that she walks around carrying a hand mirror. Sometimes it seems that she only opens her mouth to change feet.

Over at Home Farm, Lilian has been absent, having gone down to London to spend time with Leone, James and little Muppet. Lilian was a tad depressed before she made the visit - God alone knows what she must be feeling like after a few days with that trio.

Never mind what she’s feeling like - she certainly looks different when she returns and she tells Jennifer that she has had Botox; James took her to a little place he knows. Be honest, would you trust James’s recommendation on anything at all? He tells his mum that it has taken 20 years off her, but Brian reckons (when Lilian is out of earshot) that it makes her look permanently surprised.

Jennifer begs Brian not to say anything, then Lilian returns, saying that she has been looking in the mirror and she is wondering if she has made a terrible mistake. She wants a man’s opinion - what does Brian think? Jennifer holds her breath, but Brian steps up to the plate and tells Lilian that she looks absolutely stunning, adding “If I wasn’t married to your sister, I’d be right after you”. Lilian is pleased but, when she thinks about it, being pursued by Brian isn’t that much of a compliment, as all you have to be is more or less female and not actually dead.

Clarrie and Eddie are watching Keeper’s Cottage being ripped apart and Eddie is upbeat because the foreman told him that Hazel (who is the owner) told him only to use the highest spec materials in the refurbishment. If Witch Hazel said that, I reckon the Grundys won’t be the tenants for much longer.

As it is, Clarrie is morose, reminding Eddie that they still won’t have any furniture to put in the house. Eddie shows her her sideboard, which has been salvaged and is awaiting restoration. Her mood is not lightened when she sees it, as it is chipped, stained and going rotten. If it were a dog, it would have been put down, but Eddie shows his boundless reserves of optimism, by saying he can fix it. While Eddie is doing his Bob the Builder impression, Clarrie remains far from convinced and I can’t say I blame her.

At the barn dance, everyone seems to be there, including Charlie, Adam and Ian, with the latter unkindly remarking that Charlie won’t be dancing, as he’s on crutches. Almost in passing, we are told that an elegant woman has turned up with her partner and neither Adam nor Ian know who she is and we aren’t told - a story for the future, perhaps? Pip is suffering from dissertation fatigue and gets stuck into the booze at the bar. Things aren’t helped when her ex, Spencer, turns up with a new girlfriend. This seems a mite hard on him as it was Pip who dumped Spencer - what is he supposed to do? Top himself? Emigrate? Become a monk, perhaps?

Let’s talk now about Shula and Alistair. On Monday, Shula visits the temporary village shop at Bridge Farm for some fresh Dill. She’s cooking a special meal for her and Alistair and needs it for her smoked salmon soufflé. The day before, Shula had practically bullied Alistair into having this meal, calling it a new beginning for them, now that Daniel has received his Commission. A clearly-underwhelmed Alistair says that he’ll do his best to be there.

Shula is cooking her soufflé when she hears the front door and calls out, thinking it’s her husband. But no, it’s Jim, looking for his wallet and, in passing, he mentions that he saw Alistair’s car, heading towards Penny Hassett. Shula isn’t very happy and her phone rings. Again, it isn’t Alistair, but ex-lover Richard Locke, who has reappeared on the scene. He says how nice it was to talk to her at the performance of The Messiah the other evening and how about meeting up for a coffee? Shula says she’s cooking and why doesn’t she take his number and ring him back later? She then gets a text and this time it is from Alistair - he’s had an emergency call-out. The soufflé is forgotten, until Jim says “Is that something burning?” Another black mark, Alistair.

Never mind, Alistair has the chance to atone at Friday evening’s Village Meal and barn dance. Shula asks him to dance, but he says he’s absolutely famished and maybe he’ll dance later. Later duly arrives and Shula hunts out Alistair. He tells her that Christine is very tired, so he’s going to drive her home and he is tired as well, so he’ll go home too. An angry Shula says that she’ll find someone else to dance with. And possibly more than dance, as she then rings Richard, apologising for the lateness of the hour and arranging to meet him for coffee on Wednesday afternoon. Meeting up with an old flame could be dangerous - the soufflé might not be the only thing to get burnt.

Instability At The Stables?

Michael Lumsden (Alistair Lloyd)

I wonder if we are being prepared for some significant friction at The Stables between Alistair and Shula? Over recent months, Alistair seems to have been away a lot, at conferences and suchlike. Could he be back on the gambling (we haven’t heard much about his weekly Gamblers Anonymous meetings) or might he be having an affair? A case of ‘poker or poke her’ perhaps? We’ll wait and see what (if anything) happens.

It’s been a turbulent week for Shula, as we had the performance of The Messiah at St. Stephen’s. Afterwards, Shula is congratulated by a member of the audience and it turns out to be Richard Locke, sometime doctor in Ambridge and with whom Shula had a torrid affair back in 1998. Even worse; at the time Shula was being pursued by Alistair and Richard was the partner of Usha. How un-Shula-like is that?

Following the performance, Shula tries to tell her husband that she met Richard, but he is always on the way to somewhere, or prattling on about his new surgery, or musing about the bird-watching competition between his father Jim and Robert Snell. Strangely, when he does actually settle down and asks Shula what was it she wanted to talk to him about, she tells him it doesn’t matter.

Alistair is riddled with self-doubt - should he continue to go it alone and carry on with his search for premises for a new vets surgery, or should he give it up and join a larger practice and take on more locum work?

Both Alistair and Shula stay overnight near Sandhurst in order to attend Daniel’s passing-out ceremony and it affects her deeply. “What’s happened to my little boy?” she asks, wistfully. “He’s a man now” Alistair replies helpfully. He certainly is: 2^nd Lieutenant Daniel Hebden-Lloyd of the Tank Regiment, to be precise. Dan introduces Shula and Alistair to his Platoon Commander (touchingly calling Alistair ’my father’) and the Commander says they should be very proud of him.

Alistair excuses himself and leaves - we’ll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that he’s off to the loo, rather than a card game in the Officers’ Mess - and Dan notices that his mother seems upset, so what’s up? Shula tells him that she has met an old friend (without revealing exactly just how friendly they were) and wonders what might have been. Dan suggests that she can still follow her dream (“Perhaps when I was younger” she replies), to which Dan says she’s not that old and “Come on mum, it’s not all over yet, is it?” This is what we are wondering and perhaps we should note that, having been away from the area for some time, Richard is now a doctor in a practice in Felpersham - just down the road, really.

Elsewhere, it was a busy Easter for Kate, as she offered to do the cooking over the holiday. Jennifer later moans at Brian, saying that he could have at least pretended to enjoy it, as Kate was upset because Phoebe was spending time with Hayley (Phoebe’s no fool, obviously). Jen and Brian are watching the Brownies’ Easter Bonnet parade and she is concerned that he doesn’t want one of Fallon’s Hot Cross buns. Kenton, who is organising the catering at the Pop-Up Bull, asks if he wanted any lamb tagine instead “as you couldn’t get enough of it yesterday.” Oops! Jennifer cannot believe that he snuck off to The Bull after Kate’s meal, although from how Brian describes it, the only surprise is that he didn’t stick his fingers down his throat first.

On Tuesday, Kate is helping to plant strawberries in the polytunnels. Has she turned over a new, helpful leaf? Not exactly, as Adam is paying her for it. I bet he wishes that it was piece-work, as the others are planting twice as many as Kate. This is due to the fact that she talks to each plant as she places it lovingly in the earth and stops just short of singing each one a lullaby and tucking it in. If she had lavished half as much attention on Phoebe, Phoebe might not be closer to Hayley than she is to her natural mum.

Adam tells her to pull her finger out and, when Charlie turns up to talk to him, Kate comes out to chat, until Adam tells her to get back in the polytunnel and please try and plant more than two plants an hour. Charlie takes Adam to lunch at Grey Gables, where Adam gets a phone call from an indignant Kate, angry that he didn’t tell her he was going to Grey Gables. Adam’s response is along the lines of “I don’t have to - I’m the boss, now get back on the strawberries” as he ends the call. Dock her wages, Adam.

At Bridge Farm, the local produce section of the temporary village shop is turning over good business and Helen is quite enjoying herself. Not so Rob, who phones her, asking what’s for dinner and when is she coming home? In a rare show of defiance, she tells Rob to look in the fridge and make something from that and give Henry some fish fingers. As it turns out, Rob’s mushroom stroganoff is inedible. He tries to force feed Henry then Helen says she can’t eat hers either. Rob says he’s sorry that it’s so disgusting “but if you’re never going to be here Helen, what do you expect?” Call me cynical, but what’s the betting that Rob deliberately messed up the meal in order to lay a guilt trip on Helen?

Tony has a hospital check-up and the fracture (what, only one? Call that a trampling?) is healing nicely. Tom keeps leaving brochures about bulls all over the place and trying to get his dad to take the decision to buy one, but Tony is, understandably, reluctant to take the plunge. Tom tells Helen that Tony “has to get back on the bike sometime”, but it’s a bit different: when you fall off a bike, it doesn’t jump up and down on you, crush you against a wall and try to gore you to death.

The Grundys featured prominently this week, with Eddie accompanying Ed to look at tractors for the latter’s embryonic contracting business, but more of this later. Eddie gets a frantic call from a panic-stricken Joe, saying that Caroline has called in the pest control people and “they are gonna murder Daphne”. Daphne is the runaway ferret that escaped after Joe brought her to Grey Gables as she was looking peaky. This latest crisis was precipitated when Susan saw “something furry” scuttling along the skirting board and everyone assumed it was a rat.

The situation became farcical, when Joe is convinced that a chambermaid inadvertently scooped Daphne up with some used sheets and dumped them in her trolley. Eddie and Joe are going through the sheets when Roy comes across them and asks what do they think they are playing at? Eddie comes up with some cock and bull story about looking for a pillow (why not ring Reception, Eddie?) and Roy cuts him short by producing Daphne from his pocket. Joe is over the moon, until Roy says that he can’t keep her at the hotel. Joe protests that Daphne would be safe in his room, but Roy points out that this is obviously not true, as she escaped earlier. In the end Roy suggests that he take Daphne home with him and look after her. The man must be mad.

Back to the tractor-hunting. Ed is looking at a well-used machine, but Eddie only has eyes for a newer, bright green monster which is more expensive. In the end, Eddie persuades him, by saying that Ed will need a powerful tractor when his workload builds up and, it might be more expensive, but he should regard it as an investment. Ed is still unconvinced, reminding himself that he and Emma had agreed never to get into debt again. Eddie says that it’s a tractor - the tool of Ed’s trade - and not a pair of curtains and Emma will understand. That’s as maybe, but I think what is worrying Ed is that he is going to have to explain to his wife-to-be that he has sought - and, even worse, followed - financial and business advice from Eddie, whose track record in these fields is - to put it charitably - less than spectacularly successful.

Seek Help Now, Kenton!

Richard Attlee (Kenton Archer)

Is it possible to get Deep Vein Thrombosis of the brain? If so, that would explain Kenton’s increasingly bizarre attitude towards his younger brother, and it could be the case, as Kenton has just completed a long-haul flight back from Australia.

You’d think that he would have enough on his plate with clearing up the mess at The Bull and trying to come up with a viable plan to keep going, but when he learns that David will be chairing a meeting to discuss the future regarding floods, he makes a point of going along and interrupting his brother at every turn, questioning his decisions and undermining his suggestions. Kenton gets his own way about having a committee to look at future flood strategy - and what a committee it is; David, Kenton, Jim, Lynda, Usha, Rob (strangely) and Jennifer. My immediate reaction was “you’ve never got a machine gun handy when you need it, have you?”

After the meeting, David confronts his brother, asking (quite reasonably, I feel) why he came along if he was only going to be obstructive? David adds: “If you’ve got a problem with me, could we sort it out in private?” Kenton says that somebody has to stop David and (voice rising manically) “You’re setting yourself up as the selfless defender of this community - you’ve got a nerve, you really have”. Kenton then leaves, presumably to wipe the foam from his lips and dismember the odd cat with his bare hands.

On Friday, Jolene mentions to Alan that Kenton has staked so much on this weekend (the pop-up Bull and Easter egg hunt) so I can’t help thinking that it makes real sense to alienate a whole section of the family. Rooooth talks to Heather about the rift between the two brothers - and aren’t Jill’s children really good at having these rifts? - and Heather suggests getting Kenton and Jolene over for afternoon tea on Monday. Sounds like a plan.

Over at The Bull, Jolene takes a call from Rooooth, inviting them over and Kenton goes into melt-down mode, saying that there’s no way he would sit down at the same table as David, saying that David “Is totally responsible for our mountain of debt!” Yes, I remember David marching Kenton down to the travel agent and forcing him at gunpoint to book a holiday to Australia with Business Class flights and top-quality accommodation. Then, while Kenton was away, David did a rain dance and deliberately diverted the Am in order to flood The Bull.

Kenton goes even further; equating what David did, with Tom jilting Kirsty at the altar. The difference is that Tom was labelled a pariah and felt compelled to leave the country, while David “Rescued a few people in the flood and now he’s a hero”. Kenton’s final word is “I don’t want to sit down with my smug, double-crossing brother - I don’t want anything to so with him, ever again”. So that’s a ‘no’ to Easter Monday tea then, is it Kenton?

Over at Bridge Farm, the hastily-relocated shop is stocked and opened. The Archer family would like to have a corner devoted to local (i.e. Bridge Farm) products but Pat is worried as a) it’s a Community Shop and they can’t be seen to take it over and b) what is Susan going to say? I would make the observation that a) Bridge Farm is supplying the space, the electricity and the manpower to get the shop set up and b) Susan should keep her capacious mouth shut if she values her job at the dairy, so go ahead and get that cheese and those sausages on show. As it turned out, Susan was so preoccupied with the lack of broadband at the Post Office part of the shop, that she agreed to the Archers’ request without a murmur.

Susan is also worried about Emma’s wedding, telling Rooooth that she hopes Ed will spruce himself up for the occasion. So there you have it Ed - clean the mud (and whatever else) off those wellies and give them a good buffing up so they look good as you walk down the aisle at St. Stephen’s.

The shop is the least of Bridge Farm’s worries, as during the week, they are paid a visit by Mr Wallace of (I think) the Health & Safety Executive. Tony is interviewed under caution - just what you need when you are recovering from being trampled by a bull - and Tony is worried because he can’t remember many details. Obviously Tony should have taken notes as he was being trampled and gored and I wondered why Mr Wallace was there in the first place - did he think that Tony deliberately arranged for the bull to break free and jump up and down on him?

Mr Wallace asks why Ed was driving the bull rather than Eddie, but Tony robustly defends Ed as a stockman and also says that Johnny is “a competent stockman”, which is a bit of an exaggeration, plus Johnny wasn’t in charge of the stock, but of Henry. Mr Wallace then impugns the character of Otto - did the vendor say he had dangerous tendencies? The answer is ‘no’ and, as Otto is now a pile of steaks and pie filling, he can’t give us his side of the story.

Just to add to Tony’s anxiety, Mr Wallace tells him that it could be two months before the results of the investigation and whether there’ll be a prosecution. However, a custodial sentence is unlikely but, as Tony tells Pat, there’s a possibility of a substantial fine and “another stain on the reputation of Bridge Farm”. Welcome home and enjoy your Easter, Tony!

There was a slightly surreal series of cameos when Joe let one of his ferrets (Daphne) escape and she was at large in Grey Gables. Eddie berated his father for being a total prat (which could be a weekly ritual) and we were treated to episodes where Ed was turning up with a fishing net and he, Eddie and Joe were trying to catch the elusive Daphne, stalking the corridors of Grey Gables.

The situation was exacerbated when a couple of guests rang Roy and Lynda at Reception to report ‘a scratching’ behind the skirting boards or from the room next door. Roy catches the Grundys prowling the corridors and there is a farce when Eddie goes into a bathroom and there are sounds of a struggle, after which he emerges, claiming to have killed a Field Mouse and Roy can bugger off and not worry any more. If I were Caroline and Oliver, I would willingly pay for the Grundys to stay at a five star hotel - any other five star hotel.

Over to Home Farm, where Adam is still banging on about the state of the soil. Mind you, as they have lost 10 acres of Winter Wheat, he might have a point. Adam asks Brian whether he wants to pass on a working farm, or a dust bowl? Brian prevaricates while he goes online to see which would give the best return. OK, I lied.

In the kitchen, Kate is talking to Jennifer, who says how much work she has on, what with doing articles for The Echo etc. Kate then suggests that why doesn’t she take some of the load off her mother (alien abduction, obviously) and do the cooking? Jennifer agrees with alacrity, which seems to indicate that she obviously hates her husband. When told, Brian is horrified, telling Jennifer that she would have produced a leg of lamb or venison and what will Kate produce? Tell you what Bri, if you want meat, I’d book into the Bull, assuming that Kenton hasn’t been carried away by the men in white coats. Even if you don’t want meat, it would surely be worth that to get away from Kate?

Later on, Adam talks to Kate (and he’s one of the few who can do so without wanting to throttle her) about his reservations over the state of the land and the cocky bitch says that, when she’s finished her course, she’ll be able to tell them where they have been going wrong. Tell you what Adam, why not improve the organic content of the soil by ploughing Kate’s lifeless and butchered body into the Home Farm fields? That would be the most work she’s done in many a year.

Testing Times

Timothy Watson (Rob Titchener)

Let’s start with Rob, who is under a lot of pressure, as the maintenance people (CMS) want to take money directly from his wages - he’s become morose and withdrawn (not a great deal of change there, then) and Pat thinks that Helen is worried. But let’s cut to the chase - on Friday Rob is driving Helen (in her car) to pick up his vehicle, damaged in the floods, and he tells her about the CMS. “I owe you an apology” he says, adding that he was sure he could ignore it but now he realises that the only way to shut Jess up is to take the paternity test. Should the test (assuming he goes through with it and Helen doesn’t say “No, no - I trust you”) prove positive, I look forward to his next move.

Testing times too for Kenton, Jolene and Fallon - Kenton and Fallon are planting hanging baskets in an effort to show that The Bull is up and running and will bounce back bigger and better than ever, when Jolene turns up in full-blown Cassandra mode, moaning about what they spent on flowers etc. Honestly, if they lit a candle nicked from the church, Jolene would bleat about how much a match costs. Undaunted, Kenton and Fallon wax lyrical about the future role of The Bull in village life and Kenton says “I may not be able to trust my own brother, but with the three of us as a team, who can stop us?” Well, if one of the team is a wet blanket, that’s not going to help much.

The short answer to Kenton’s question is ‘those from whom you need funding’ as he goes to see Lilian and tells her how sorry he is that he can’t buy her out of her share of the pub but he’s got these grand plans to revamp the place and perhaps she’d like to invest a few quid? Sadly for him Lilian (who was maybe hoping to borrow some money off Kenton) tells him that she’s totally borassic and he’ll have to look elsewhere.

In his ‘Brookfield’s-going-to-be-sold-and-I’ll-be-able-to-do-wonderful-things’ fantasy, Kenton was going to buy Lilian out, set up Fallon in her teashop, refurbish The Bull and have the holiday of a lifetime in Australia. Unfortunately, only the last of these happened and Kenton maxxed out his credit card before being told that there would be no money coming in.

Nothing knocks Fallon back and she went to see the bank about funding for her “Ambridge Tea Service” business idea. The following day Harrison Burns is helping her clean up garden furniture for the Easter Day eggstravaganza (OK, I know it’s a cliché, but what the hell?) of an Easter Egg hunt but - and here’s the clever bit - it’s so muddy that the hens wouldn’t lay on the ground, so the title of the event - ‘Heads Up’ - gives a clue to where the eggs will be hidden. Of course, the resident Wet Blanket is moaning about the cost of the Easter Eggs and I’m only surprised that she doesn’t add “And haven’t you any idea of the cost of cleaning fluid and towels?”

However, there is hope for Fallon, when PCB tells her that he knew the bank would turn her down and had she considered crowd funding and peer loans? To start her off, he gives her a cheque for “A few hundred quid” and makes it clear that this isn’t a handout, but an investment in her and her vision and he will be expecting repayment with a lot of interest. “I’m not letting my heart rule my head” he says, and we can presumably assume that no other organ has a say in the decision.

And now to the Wednesday night meeting in the church, with Councillors present to answer questions concerning the recent floods. Alan is chairing the meeting and Lynda praised the emergency services - when they eventually turned up - but the situation was exacerbated by the “uncontrolled development” there has been on the flood plain in recent years and the water cycle has been disrupted with new springs appearing and ponds drying out. Should there be another anaerobic digester at Berrow Farm, she adds, things would get worse as more land is turned to farming maize.

The mood of the meeting is just this side of hostile when Susan speaks. She starts off well, when she says that the new flood defences in Borchester may well have contributed to the flood by slowing down the flow of the Am. She then reveals her death wish by saying that, as the emergency services couldn’t get through, perhaps a new road into Ambridge (Route B) is a good idea?

Adam speaks next - his latest obsession is treating the land with respect and he waxes lyrical on the subject. David then tries to speak, only to be interrupted by Susan, who pins even more targets over her heart when she says that she “doesn’t want Councillors to be influenced by somebody who doesn’t even want to live here”. Alan points out that David is still a resident and lets him speak. David tells the meeting that he’s going nowhere and he has come to his senses and “the land isn’t really ours; we are stewards” and that they have a responsibility to neighbours and to the future. Perhaps he and Adam could found a commune somewhere?

Before the meeting took place, Ed was having a difficult time as people kept remarking that he was clearing ditches and what was he finding? Having been sworn to secrecy by Charlie, Ed cannot reveal the truth, which is that the ditches were showing signs of not being cleared for yonks. Except that he does tell Emma, with strict instructions that she mustn’t breathe a word. Going on previous Ambridge experience, this is where it goes tits up for Ed as Emma blows the gaff and he can kiss goodbye to further Estate work.

Wicked Witch Hazel made an unwelcome return to the village to count the cost of the flood damage to her empire. She was seen going into the village shop with ‘a man in an expensive suit’ (so he had to be the insurer/loss adjuster). Susan asked what was happening, to be told in no uncertain terms that she would be informed when, and if, anything was decided. Witch Hazel also called on Peggy, looking for documents giving Jack (and now her) the right to attend BL game shoots. Peggy says she knows nothing of any such documents and the social temperature drops. Hazel then complains that she “went to visit Daddy’s grave” and the wording on the headstone wasn’t what she expected. As Peggy had changed the inscription, this came as no surprise to her, but the temperature dropped even further.

Witch Hazel left, saying: “There are several things I have to do in Ambridge Peggy, but none of them concerns you. Goodbye”. The door shuts and Peggy says “Goodbye - and good riddance.” I suspect Hazel will be back ere long.

And now we come to the story of Bert and Freda. The church service was apparently first class, with Jolene giving an amusing insight into Freda’s time at The Bull and Jill’s eulogy moving the congregation. The Wake afterwards (at Brookfield) went well, although Kenton wouldn’t talk to David, and Bert described it as ‘a nice afternoon’, but we know what he meant.

Fortunately we were spared Bert’s specially-written poem, in which he compared Freda to a rose (shades of Elton John/Princess Diana?) but it gave Jill the idea to plant a rose in Freda’s memory. But where to plant? Brookfield wasn’t her home and the bungalow would stir up future memories, so it has to be The Bull. Later in the week, Fallon was telling PCB how Kenton had spent at least an hour going over exactly where the shrub should be planted and it shows that Kenton’s heart is in the right place (try telling that to David). And now, dear readers, we have an example - as given in some earlier episodes of this blog - of why you shouldn’t take the odd phrase out of context, as Fallon told PCB: “Bert’s keen about having it against the back wall”. Absolutely no further comment.

Joe Takes Advantage

Edward Kelsey (Joe Grundy)

You have to hand it to Joe Grundy - if you don’t, he’ll take it anyway - there he is at Grey Gables, where he is staying for free, having been made homeless by the flood, and he complains to grandson Ed that he has been refused room service. The ungrateful old sod should be taken out and soundly whipped, in my opinion, especially as he has had a pedicure and steam treatment at the health club.

Not only are the Grundys homeless, but all Joe’s clothes (yes, both shirts) are ruined. As such he is wandering around Grey Gables dressed in a tiger onesie. Thinking about it, if I were Caroline, I’d let him have room service as that would keep him out of the way of paying guests (if indeed there are any).

While things look bad for the older Grundys, for a change things are looking up for Ed. Charlie Thomas asks him if he wants the job of clearing the ditches and culverts on BL’s land. The words ‘Horse’, ‘Stable Door’ and ‘Bolted’ spring to mind and Charlie obviously thinks the same way, as he tells Ed to keep his mouth shut about the job. Ed cannot resist telling his grandfather that he has a job from Charlie, but he can’t talk about it and Joe reveals his philosophical streak when he says “It’s an ill wind that don’t do nobody no good”. Linguistic scholars are studying this final remark as I write.

BL are obviously worried about their image and their part in causing the flood - and more so when the villagers arrange a public meeting to air their grievances. In fact, there were nearly two meetings, as David was going to hold one and Lynda another. David goes to see Lynda and she is surprised when he says that he wants to attend the meeting. He explains that he will not be leaving Ambridge and Lynda says that she could kiss him. An alarmed David immediately contacts Rodways to put Brookfield back on the market - actually, that is a complete lie, but I bet it crossed his mind.

Adam is passionate about the way the land has been abused and he wants to speak at the meeting. Charlie joins Adam and his team in erecting the polytunnels and, over breakfast, he tells Adam that he wouldn’t want to see Justin Eliot’s name scapegoated (is there no noun that cannot be verbed, I ask myself?) and suggests that Adam says that BL cannot be blamed. This shows touching loyalty on Charlie’s part when you consider that he nearly drowned after getting caught up on the rubbish in the blocked culvert - rubbish that BL should have cleared. Adam says nothing, but I wouldn’t hold my breath, Charlie.

Elsewhere, Kenton and Jolene return from their holiday (which was brilliant, by the way) and are confronted by scenes of devastation in the village and a brand-new indoor swimming pool in the pub where the beer cellar used to be. Surely things can’t get worse? Afraid they can, as David turns up, saying “Can I have a word in private?” and tells Kenton that Brookfield is not going to be sold. All Kenton’s dreams are dashed in an instant and he doesn’t take it well, accusing David of leading him on and telling him to get out of the pub. Poor David - first of all he was accused of running away and now he has changed his mind, his brother thinks he’s a Judas.

Sunday was Mother’s Day, which gave Kate the opportunity to be even more selfish and obnoxious (yes, I too found it hard to believe that such a thing was possible). Jennifer has invited Hayley and Abbie to Home Farm for lunch, much to Kate’s displeasure, but Jennifer points out that, if she hadn’t, then Phoebe would have gone to see Hayley in Birmingham. Kate then moans because Jennifer is cooking meat and why couldn’t she have just done a big nut roast? Jennifer, who seems to have almost limitless patience, says there are eight meat eaters and one vegan. She then asks her daughter for a bit of help in the kitchen but a petulant Kate says “It’s Mother’s Day”. Instead of killing Kate (and no jury in the world would convict her) Jen reminds her that she too is a mother and she would still like some help.

Kate says that she thinks that the day should be for natural mothers only, to which Jen says “There’s more than one way of being a mother”. Kate remembers how she gave birth to Phoebe in a yurt at Glastonbury and, however far away she has been, she has always felt ‘a universal connection’ with her daughter, saying “I expect you felt it too?” I love the way that Phoebe can put her mother down with just a sentence, as she replies “Not really”. All Phoebe is waiting for is the arrival of Hayley and, when there’s a knock at the door, she runs to open it, yelling excitedly “Hello mum!”

Phoebe has got Hayley a card, which says ‘To the best mother in the world’, which contrasts with the one she got Kate, which said ‘To whom it may concern - have a nice day; or don’t, I don’t really give a toss’. Kate is at her sneering worst, having digs at Hayley over Roy and the approaching divorce and ridiculing Hayley when she says she hopes it will be amicable. Phoebe cuts her mother’s snide comments short when she asks “Will your divorce from Lucas be amicable, do you think?” (see earlier comment about put downs). Hayley says she and Abbie will pop and see Roy and Phoebe wants to go too - Kate protests, saying that, as Phoebe’s mother, she’s concerned about her emotional welfare, which is patently a lie, or else she would have topped herself shortly after the birth.

Later on in the week, Kate’s upsetting people again when she comes into the kitchen and says she needs a coffee (hangover) and will someone make her one? Brian does so, making the point that it’s only because he wants one. Kate then asks Brian if he can lend her some money and, snorting with laughter at the word ‘lend’ he says he will when she gets a job. Jennifer asks her if she has no shame, as she borrowed money off Phoebe earlier in the week? Kate blames Brian, asking how is she expected to get a job when she’s a full-time student? At this moment, Adam comes in and Kate immediately asks him if he will lend her £50? The answer is ‘no’ and Jennifer is amazed at her lack of sensitivity. I’m not and I’m not surprised that Kate is way out ahead in the list of candidates for the Pedalo of Doom.

Over at Bridge Farm there is a surprise visitor when Kirsty turns up to talk to Pat. Pat is touched, but Kirsty says that she and Tony still mean a lot to her, tactfully not adding “Unlike that cowardly, jilting scumbag of a son of yours”. Kirsty also goes to see Fallon and, on learning about the plight of the Grundys, gives her some money to buy them a drink when they come into the pub.

Friday marked Tony’s return to Bridge Farm from hospital and the whole family - Peggy, Tom, Helen, Johnny and Rob are there to enjoy the special champagne that Pat originally bought to celebrate their Ruby wedding. Rob gets a call and goes outside to take it. Earlier in the week, Rob had a meeting with Charlie, who told him that BL has had a letter from child maintenance, authorising deductions direct from Rob’s salary for Jess’s baby.

Rob’s call is from Jess and he is incandescent about the maintenance, saying “That baby is not mine” and “You’ve been shagging everything with a pulse to get back at me. “So take the DNA test” is Jess’s reply, which is what we’ve been saying for weeks. Fuming, Rob goes back inside, where his day is made complete when Peggy announces that she has changed her Will and is now leaving everything to Tony and his sisters. I’d watch out Peggy - Lilian needs money fast, so don’t accept any mushroom soup from her and check the stairs for almost-invisible black threads.

Après Le Deluge

Freda Fry

At least it’s stopped raining in Ambridge as the residents count the cost of the flood and begin the long task of clearing up the mess. Some messes are messier than others, as Adam shows Brian his hot tub, which has filled up with slurry and Bert and Freda’s bungalow resembling a cess pit with Freda’s recipe books suffering water damage.

Freda is in hospital with pneumonia and Josh dries out the recipe books as a surprise for her for when she comes out. Except she doesn’t, as on Friday we learn that Freda suffered a massive heart attack and passed away. Bert is, understandably, bereft; the more so as he never got the chance to say goodbye to his wife. What is he to do? He’s staying at Brookfield while the bungalow dries out, but when David and Rooooth leave, he’ll have nobody. Rooooth takes pity on him and tells him that the family is staying put, at which news he is overcome.

Bert is not the only one to be sleeping in a strange bed. Lynda, who is still desolate because there is no sign of Scruff, and Robert are marooned upstairs as their septic tank has backed up. They have no heating and the garden is ruined and Lynda wonders whether or not they should have taken up Caroline’s offer to stay at Grey Gables. No - stay in your sewage-infested, cold house, as you never know if Scruff might come back, although it doesn’t sound that attractive. Lilian to the rescue! She invites Lynda and Robert to stay in the Dower House and Lynda accepts gratefully.

Also on the move are Chris and Jim, who have been put up at the Stables by Shula and Alistair (separate rooms, I trust?), although there is still no mention of Darrell. Adam and Ian are staying at the staff flat at Grey Gables (is nobody a paying guest, I ask myself?) and Ed, Emma, George and Keira prepare to move back in with Neil and Susan at Ambridge View - what a kick in the teeth that must be, especially for Ed.

Ed helps Eddie and Clarrie to remove water-damaged furniture from Keepers Cottage and Clarrie really gives her moaning muscle a good workout when she realises that Eddie never got around to renewing the household contents insurance. Eddie’s remark that he and Ed will soon have the table looking like new is met with Clarrie’s acid comment that, if he hadn’t forgotten to pay the premiums, they could actually have had a new table. Clarrie’s mood is not improved when she later finds that all her photographs of the boys when young are ruined, although I submit that, with Will in them, they were already ruined.

Adversity brings out the Dunkirk spirit among the villagers, with Tom lending David a water bowser and Adam turning up at Brookfield with some much-needed bales of hay. Rooooth practically has an orgasm at this and calls Adam “our saviour”.

Over at The Bull, Fallon is determined that she (with Harrison’s help) will keep the pub open, even though there is a foot of water in the cellar, which could well make the crisps soggy. Sure enough, they open a bar upstairs, called ‘The Flood Bar’ (how do they think up these names?), which is selling mostly bottled beer and sandwiches. Bert is not convinced, but David suggests that the family should go and support the pub for a meal and a drink. It seems that he wasn’t the only one with this idea, as the place is packed and they are lucky to get a seat.

The outpouring of community spirit really gets to Rooooth and she tells David that “It’s all worth fighting for - we’ve got to keep Brookfield going” and “I don’t want to go anywhere else - we belong here at Brookfield; it’s our home.” Talk about changing your tune! Last week we had Pip having a similar Damascene conversion and now Rooooth does a spectacular U-turn. Soon we’ll have Justin Eliot saying that he never really wanted to buy Brookfield in the first place. With everyone not able to leave Brookfield, where does this leave Heather? Rooooth says her mother is not one to make a fuss but her closest friend, Marjorie, has just gone into sheltered accommodation and is enjoying it - maybe Heather might join her? This too is a major change of attitude and, taken with all the other changes, it makes you wonder what we have been worrying about for the past few months.

Beneath this coming together in times of hardship, there is a growing undercurrent of dissatisfaction, if not anger, among the villagers at just how the situation was allowed to happen in the first place. Adam surveys the ruins of some arable fields, where tons of topsoil has been washed away, along with crops. He says that it is down to Borsetshire Land - if they had maintained their ditches properly and made sure there was plenty of organic matter in the soil, it would never have been washed away. Later on, Charlie offers Adam the job of clearing the BL ditches, but Adam declines, saying that he’s got enough on his plate at Home Farm.

Others blame the authorities and criticise their reactions to the floods (precious little). Pat especially is incensed, calling the authorities’ response as “pathetic” and saying to Clarrie “If they had spent proper money, this would never have happened. It’s all so wrong; we’ve put up with it for too long - something must change”.

Adam compliments David on his appearance on local TV one night, when he spoke up for the local farmers and David seems to have been caught up in the mood of unrest, as he tells Rooooth that something needs to be done and suggests they call a meeting and formulate a plan of action. To do what, exactly? March on the local council offices with flaming torches and pitchforks? Dump tons of slurry and dead lambs on their steps? Block the roads with tractors? This isn’t France, you know David.

Once again, Susan demonstrates that she isn’t quite in touch with the prevailing mood, when she tells Pat and Helen how generous it is of Justin Eliot, who has started up an Ambridge Relief fund. As Pat has just blamed what she calls “BL’s scorched earth policy” for precipitating the crisis, Susan is lucky she isn’t dunked in Adam’s slurry-filled hot tub. Susan wonders if Justin might help to get the shop back on its feet - lots of food will have to be junked - while Pat suggests that they could open up temporarily somewhere else, although she doesn’t know where.

Someone else who hasn’t caught the mood - and I’m sure you aren’t going to be surprised by this - is Kate, who tells people that it has just rained a bit - it’s not like people are starving and they should look at the bigger picture. As some of these people have lost nearly everything, or have homes awash with effluent, it is a tribute to their restraint that they don’t investigate whether or not the hot tub could accommodate two bodies, preferably face down.

You have to hand it to Kate - her lack of self-awareness is truly breathtaking. On Thursday, she grabs Phoebe, who is sensibly going somewhere else, and asks her daughter what is she doing on Sunday, which is Mother’s Day. Phoebe casually (and devastatingly) replies that she won’t be around, as she is going to see Hayley and Abbie. Hurt, Kate says “Aren’t you being a bit selfish?” which is pretty rich, coming from her. I would just say that, if Phoebe is being selfish, then she’s a real chip off the old block and also, isn’t there an old saying about pots and kettles?