The Sooner You Go Off On Your Gap Year, The Better, Freddie

Toby Laurence (Freddie Pargetter)

Last week, we thought that Freddie had been taken over by aliens, as he was apparently knuckling down and revising. On Tuesday, however, Freddie is confronted by Ellis, who accuses him of dealing pills on his patch - and he has witnesses. Freddie tells him to do one, but Ellis demands to see what Freddie has in his bag. Fred resists and there is a struggle, during which Freddie receives a black eye.

Johnny turns up and breaks up the fight but, as Ellis leaves, he says “No more pills Freddie.” Johnny, not unreasonably, wants to know what’s going on and Freddie says “I’m not a dealer” (Johnny hadn’t asked if he was) and “Would I be that stupid?” The answer to this second question surely has to be ‘too bloody right you would’ but Johnny doesn’t pursue the subject.

Freddie explains the black eye to others as an injury sustained playing Dodgeball with Johnny, and this is the story that Freddie’s twin, Lily, tells Jazzer. Jazz expresses surprise and tells her he heard a different story (from Johnny). Lily confronts her twin and interrogates him regarding drugs, the dispensing of. Fred denies that he is doing E or amphetamines and Lily reminds him that, if he was doing drugs, she told him that she would tell Elizabeth. Freddie finally admits that he has been taking smart pills to help him with his revision and he gave a few to a friend.

Lily angrily says that those drugs have side effects and how could he be so naïve? Freddie thought she’d be pleased. But Lily replies that she’s done with him and, if he wants to wreck his life with drugs, it’s up to him. “I really don’t care any more” she says, as she angrily leaves the room. If I were you, Freddie, I’d book that flight to South Africa and sod off on your gap year. Always assuming that Elizabeth has liberated your passport from the office safe, of course.

There are a number of stories that I think have a particularly depressing potential to run and run, and, probably, run. The first of these is Will and the saga of his children and stepchildren. I’m surprised that Will doesn’t shackle Jake to a radiator. Instead, he takes his stepson out on treats; one of which is clay pigeon shooting. Jake misses the first two clays, but then bags a brace on the next pull. Will is ecstatic and says that Jake is a natural and could be a gold medalist at the next Olympics. Hold the hyperbole, Will - I think it would require a tad more practice. Will says he’s famished and let’s grab a burger. Jake says he will be late going home, but Will overrules him and they set off.

When they arrive at Andrew’s gaff, they are met by Bev (Nic’s mother) who says that Andrew is tending to his sick mother and, by the way, Will is 45 minutes late bringing Jake home. Will explains about the burger, but Bev says that Jake had supper in the oven. She sends Jake off to do homework and tells Will that Andrew has seen a solicitor to see where he stands and, she hopes it never happens, but Andrew has a good case for having Jake and Mia living with him, if it came to court. Just back off Will - they’re not your children after all.

The second ‘Oh God, when will it end?’ story is the saga of the Hebden-Lloyds. I am going to race through this, so pay attention. Alistair has moved back to the Stables, but he feels like a lodger - it’s a house but not his home and he spends a lot of time eating and drinking at Grey Gables, which must be eating into his savings. Shula is miserable and seeks help from her twin, Kenton. She knows that she should be looking forward to a new life, but how - what should she do? 

Kenton has the perfect answer - has Shula spent Caroline’s legacy yet? No - it will probably go on legal fees. Kenton is very anti and, the next thing we know, Shula is test-driving a Gti Cabriolet and having the time of her life. “Eat my exhaust, loser!” she crows, as she overtakes some poor pensioner. This is not like Shula and, just as Kenton is urging her to buy the car on the spot, she sees Alistair in a car - he must have seen them. This takes the shine off the whole experience for her and she says what was she thinking of - her and this car in Ambridge?

Towards the end of the week, Alistair confronts Kenton in The Bull - does he think that Shula is going about her new life in the right way? She will need support and respect from people like Dan and Jill, and is driving around in a flash car the way to go about it? Jill is still doing her ostrich impression - she turns up at the Stables and sees Alistair doing something to a horse’s teeth. She gets Shula on her own and asks how are things? Shula says “much the same” and Jill is surprised - it looked so normal with the two of them concerned about the horse. She says surely it’s not too late for Shula to try and patch things up? Shula nails her mother to the wall and says, through gritted teeth “There’s-no-way-back.” 

Will Jill ever appreciate that not every domestic problem can be overcome by a cup of tea and a scone, or a casserole and a glass of wine? I certainly hope so, because Jill is getting on my nerves. If Alistair has accepted that it’s all over, why can’t Jill? Can’t Shula apply for a quickie divorce in Reno or somewhere - I can’t stand months of this? 

Another long-running story is the clean-up operation at Home Farm. Adam tells Ian that Brian is up to something (“He’s like a wounded tiger”) and, on Friday, we learn the truth. Adam confronts Brian, as he noticed that Brian was walking the farm with their Land Agent - what’s going on? Brian admits that he is looking at selling some land and Adam is appalled - the land is their biggest asset. Brian shares that the EA are almost certain to prosecute and, even if he avoids a custodial sentence, they are looking at a substantial fine, which could be in the region of £2 million plus when you also factor in the clean-up costs, which the insurance company are refusing to cough up for.

Adam is still anti-selling land and Brian asks what else does he suggest? How about selling the stake in the Hungarian operation? Brian says that he has already done that and it raised around £750 k instead of the £1 million he anticipated. “The pot is empty” Brian says. This is the longest conversation that the two men have had since Brian was put out to grass and Adam is onside, saying that they all need to work together to save the farm. “Trust me Brian,” Adam says, “I won’t let this beat us - we’ll find a way.” My suggestion is to sell off Jennifer’s new kitchen; that seemed to have cost the thick end of £2 million.

As if Adam didn’t have enough problems; Lexi’s first embryo transfer didn’t work and the trio have only two more attempts to have a child. Lexi confides to Ian that she worries that Adam isn’t committed to the process, although he tells Ian that he is - he just has a few other things on his mind. He has a few more now - not least of which is where to find £2 million. As if he didn’t have enough problems, Adam is confronted by Alice, who accuses him of stabbing Brian in the back and saying that the farm can only work as a partnership and Adam broke that, so it’s up to him to fix it. This was before Adam learned that Brian had sold the Hungarian stake without consulting the partners, which might have changed Alice’s opinion.

Moving on to happier, or at least less lengthy, stories we have Lynda test driving various breeds of dog as a replacement for Scruff. This week she promenaded with a poodle and, a day or so later, Bertha, a Bulldog. Jill said that She looked very elegant with the poodle, but Lynda is not convinced. On the other hand, Lynda says that Bertha has the sweetest nature. Jill is not keen, as apparently Bertha is as ugly as sin. Lynda takes her (Bertha, not Jill) into the pub and Kenton has misgivings. Lynda admits that Bertha can’t run very fast and Kenton expresses surprise that she can run at all, upon which, Lynda gives one of her mega sniffs and takes Bertha off to sit with Robert.

Last week, we had the return of Hannah and speculation as to whether there would be a romance between her and Jazzer. On Wednesday, Susan is preparing a dinner to welcome Hannah back to Ambridge and she, Neil and Hannah are enjoying themselves. Hannah worked on a unit in North Carolina which had 100,000 pigs (presumably Jazzer would have been orgasmic). Halfway through the evening, Jazzer (who had learned that Hannah was invited to dinner) turned up uninvited. He asks if he and Hannah can be friends, but she says that there could be bio security problems with Jazzer’s pigs. Susan seizes on this as an excuse to tell Jazzer to sling his hook and, reluctantly, he goes.

Hannah says that Jazz is a bit deluded; they were never more than mates (Hannah’s first experience of pigs and Ambridge was with Tom) and “Jazzer still doesn’t know when he’s wasting his time.” It doesn’t bode well for Jazzer, from the look of things.

Let’s end on a happy note. Harrison Burns has been beating Fallon over the head about getting their finances into shape and making mutually beneficial Wills. On Thursday, Fallon tells PCB that she has been looking at a savings plan of her own and she’ll fill him in on the details later. It turns out that she has opened a monthly savings account, whereby you deposit so much a month. PCB is impressed, and even more so when Fallon says that it is a special fund - it’s for their wedding. PCB is surprised, as indeed were we, and signs up before she can change her mind. Of course, we have to ask ourselves just how viable such a fund will be with a monthly input of 25p. 

Someone New To Hate

First of all an apology for the lateness of this week's episode. This was because both Neil and I arranged to go on holidays at the same time, so what follows is a joint effort. The person referred to in the title is Martyn Gibson who, as will be revealed toward the end, is an even bigger scumbag than we realised…

 

A new week dawns and the inside of Grange Farm is a scene of 21st Century domestic bliss. Ed's up early so that he can take Emma a cup of tea in bed and Will's putting the washing on. Appearances can be deceptive though, as the brothers are still going over the laptop incident. The argument is hopefully brought to a close by an agreement that the families stick together.

 

Later on, Will's in Felpersham looking for a new pair of trainers for Jake, when he sees Andrew - but Jake's not with him. Apparently he wants to spend more time at his father's house and, as we surmised last week, less time visiting the burial ground. So Andrew proposes that Jake lives with him and Ellie, and has regular visits to Will instead, but Will doesn't want to give up that easily as he thinks it will be letting Nic down. This seems to give him the kick up the backside that he needed

 

Later on Will and Eddie return to Greenwood Cottage for the first time since Nic's death and it seems to be a cathartic moment for him. Memories start coming back and he talks about donating Nic's things to a charity shop and tidying the place up so that he can move back with the kids, including Jake. When he returns to Grange Farm he sounds positively cheerful, for Will, as he explains to Clarrie that he'll be moving out. He even has a heart-to-heart with Emma and apologises for shouting at her and goes on to thank her for all her help. I could get to like this new humble Will.

 

There was a strange moment this week when Tony dragged Brian off to Bridge Farm to show him his restored Fordson tractor – which Brian is already familiar with! Apparently Josh has found a buyer for it, even though it's not for sale, and Tony wanted to seek Brian's opinion on whether to sell it or not. Hang on to it is the answer, and give Josh a slap (I made that last bit up) but did he really need Brian to tell him that? 

 

This takes place just before a family meeting at Bridge Farm where they're discussing how to invest the money from the land sale. Helen thinks they need a new high-spec kitchen for her cheese making classes and new product development, but the classes have not been as popular as she'd hoped. She floats an idea of Ian's to include bed and breakfast at Ambridge Hall for the students but Pat's doubtful and wonders whether they should use the money to help those less fortunate than themselves. Helen smells a rat as it seems that Pat would like Olwen's opinion – if only she knew where she was.

 

She's not the only one to wonder where Olwen's gone. Clarrie didn't realise she's homeless, living in her car, and thinks that if she doesn't want to be found then Pat's got no chance. Undaunted by the challenge, Pat seeks an off-duty Harrison's advice. He's in the farm shop buying something for dinner (rib-eye steak, fat chips, salad and a bottle of Rioja if you must ask) and suggests she goes down to the station to report Olwen missing.

 

Apparently Harrison can afford the steak dinner because he's good with finances, but appreciates his banging on about it can be a bit boring for Fallon. At the age of 32 Fallon doesn't see the point in worrying about a pension.

 

Jennifer's on the receiving end of some sad news from Adam – Lexi's embryo transfer didn't work. She sees Peggy and passes on the news; the family needs some good news and a pregnant Lexi would have lifted everyone's spirits. Peggy's sympathetic to how hard it's been for everyone, especially Brian. Jennifer decides Peggy needs to know the truth about the contaminated land and how Brian knew about it all along. Peggy's lost for words, momentarily, then as soon as she sees him has a right old go. 

 

Earlier, Brian was on his way to a meeting when he was held up by Jazzer and Rex moving Neil's pigs to Hollowtree. It's surprising then that later at The Bull, where Brian has set up office, Brian puts money behind the bar for him. Rex doesn't get a chance to have a drink though, as he's interrupted by an urgent call from Jazzer. Trouble with the pigs?

 

Alistair's been sleeping on Jim's sofa in an effort to distance himself from Jazzer's snoring. Shula's heard that Alistair's not sleeping very well and takes his special orthopaedic pillow round for him. She wants to drop it off and go but Jim calls Alistair to the door. He's very grateful; apparently it would be his desert island luxury. Really? Mine would be a distillery, but each to their own. His hopes are raised when Shula says she wants him back at The Stables; "are you saying you want us to try again"? Err, no. When Shula says they can make it work, her definition of 'it' is separation and divorce, not the marriage. This is the first time Shula's mentioned the big D.I.V.O.R.C.E, and Alistair's angry "and hurt, and baffled, and just broken to be honest. Until you can acknowledge what you're doing to me, what you've done to us, I'll stay here – and thank you for the pillow"!

 

For someone who was wondering a few weeks ago whether or not he was cut out to be a farmer, Rex is really getting into being a pigman, showing a devotion only marginally short of that displayed by Jazzer. Pigs in Ambridge ought to be all named 'Houdini', so regularly do they escape (it bodes ill for Berrow Farm, where there will be thousands of the potential porcine escapologists) and Rex's pigs make a break for it. However, they are stopped by the outer perimeter fence and herded back to their quarters. Undaunted, the pigs order a wooden athletics horse and start digging three tunnels.

 

Jazzer helps Rex secure the camp, sorry, farm and says that a couple of pints should cover the cost of his labour. They are joined by Daniel, who is out on a run, partly to escape the atmosphere at home and Jazzer offers his usual brand of advice – Alistair should get back in the saddle as soon as possible and start dating. Dan dryly remarks that this isn't really his dad's style and adds that he (Dan) is leaving tonight.

 

Over at the Stables, Alistair has arrived to check out Sintra, a sick horse. Shula thanks him for coming, although presumably, due to their changed circumstances, he will charge her the going rate. Alistair says that Sintra should be sedated "as I don't need another kick in the teeth" then he immediately apologises for the remark. It turns out that Sintra has spasmodic colic, which is less serious than it sounds, and should recover.

 

Shula says that she isn't sleeping well (unlike Alistair, whose orthopaedic pillow is wonderful) and she apologises twice to him, saying that she knows how much she's hurt him. For his part, Alistair accepts that her feelings won't change and he refuses the offer of a coffee, while Shula remembers their first date, when Alistair was called out in the middle of a meal to attend to a pregnant cow. Shula says that it isn't right; her having all this space and Alistair inhabiting Jim's spare room. Perhaps they should try again – living together without living together, as it were. Later on, Alistair returns, just in time to see Daniel leave, and he has his pillow with him. As Daniel drives off, his mum and dad hope that they can make the new arrangement work.

 

Will has pressganged Eddie into helping him make Greenwood Cottage into something approaching paradise for Jake on his return, which Will hopes will be soon. Will has also been ordering loads of stuff online and Eddie tells Clarrie privately that Will is doing so much for Jake but he must remember that teenage boys have minds of their own and he won't want to be pushed. Clarrie suggests that Will opens his post, which is sitting on the sideboard. There is the usual assortment of junk mail, bills and a letter from Martyn Gibson, in his capacity as BL Chair, which says words to the effect that 'sorry your wife died but when are you coming back to work full time? If you aren't coming back, you will have to relinquish all your benefits, including living in Greenwood Cottage. Have a nice day.'

 

To say that Will is upset at the timing, tone and content of this missive is a magnificent understatement and he goes to see Martyn, who apparently told him the same message to his face. Will then goes to see Brian – surely Martyn cannot do this? Afraid he can Will. Can Brian reason with Martyn on Will's behalf? Brian says that that wouldn't be a good idea, but he will try to get Justin and Annabelle to lobby for Will. Why not just cut his dangly bits off – that would teach him a lesson?

 

Will returns to Grange Farm, where he tells his mum and dad that he has sorted it out with Martyn and that he and the kids can stay at Greenwood as long as they like. He leaves, presumably to add another wing to the cottage, or to build Jake a bowling alley or a race track or similar, and Eddie tells Clarrie that he's proud of his son – he must have been very persuasive.

 

Brian is telling Jennifer that he will do all he can to help Will, when his phone rings – it's a man called Doug, whom Brian has been trying to contact for days. We only hear Brian's side of the conversation, which goes like this: "Is that your final offer?...it's less than I'd hoped for, but I'm over a barrel…for the good of Home Farm, we'd better proceed." A deep mystery on which to end the week.

 

There is mystery too, as a strange girl calls at the Stables, looking for a petrol station (they can be so easily confused). Later, in The Bull, Rex tells Jazzer that a drop dead gorgeous blonde is looking at him (Jazzer). She comes over and introduces herself as Hannah and it turns out that she and Jazzer used to work together a decade ago and she said she'd come back to Ambridge someday. Hannah also mentions that she's just been hired as Deputy Unit Manager at Berrow Farm, which suggests that she has done considerably better than Jazzer. Before Hannah introduced herself, Jazzer had been teasing Rex about how he and Anisha are like an old couple and not a free spirit, like Jazzer. Rex's reaction is "Young, free and single sounds good; middle aged, free and single doesn't." Is our Scottish milk/pigman about to be brought to his knees by love, we ask ourselves? And will Hannah have to dress up in a pig suit to do it?

 

 

(Written jointly by Neil [Sun – Wed] and Peter [Thur and Fri] and posted 3rd May. Neil and I were both on [separate] holidays.)

 

Daniel Learns The Truth About ‘Dad’

Will Howard (Dan Hebden Lloyd)

Dan, or to give him his full title, Captain Daniel Hebden-Lloyd of the Tank Regiment, (yes, he has been promoted) is a very confused young man - he cannot understand why his mother is acting the way she is, which puts him on a par with Alistair. Shula tries to explain, but Dan says that she doesn’t care who she hurts, but Shula denies this and says “I found you a good father, didn’t I?”

Dan is not impressed by this answer and wonders if his whole childhood was a lie and tells his mother ”I’m going to spend some time with the father that you very kindly found for me.” He sets off for the cricket pavilion, which is where Alistair is redecorating, chiefly to get away from Jim and Jazzer. The two talk and Alistair reassures him that he was both wanted and loved and he (Alistair) will always be Daniel’s dad. Dan says he never doubted it and the two hug.

Alistair invites Dan back to Greenacres for lunch, but he refuses. Alistair says that he can listen to Jim playing the piano, plus they are giving Jazzer a mock interview in the afternoon, by which we can only assume that he was trying to put his son off coming. For his part, Dan says that he needs to ring Dorothy and he’s going for a walk up Lakey Hill - “a good place to think.”

It seems that Daniel is seeking enlightenment from the whole Archer clan, as he has a discussion with uncle Kenton, telling him that, had the roles been reversed, Alistair would never have treated Shula the way she is treating him. Kenton realises that Dan is heaping all the blame on his mother and says that there was a time when Shula could have walked out on Alistair and nobody would have blamed her. Instead, she stayed and supported him. Dan has no idea what he is talking about and so Kenton tells him the saga of Alistair’s gambling problem and the lengths that he and Shula went to in order to clear the debt.

This gives Dan something to think about and he goes to see Elizabeth for more advice. They talk about Mark (Dan’s natural father) and Lizzie assures him that Shula never compared her two husbands and she genuinely loved Alistair once. Lizzie urges Dan to think before he does anything and he decides that he needs to go and see Dorothy - he needs to be sure that they still love each other.

At the end of the week, Dan returns to the Stables and has a heart-to-heart with his mother. He understands that she doesn’t love Alistair any more but he cannot get his head round how she is treating Alistair. She’s sorry, but she doesn’t know what else to do. Dan is taken aback. “Seriously? Aren’t you supposed to be a Christian? Doesn’t that give you a clue? You’re being cruel Mum, cruel and unfeeling - you may not still love Dad, but I do.” Shula still protests that she doesn’t know what to do and Dan tells her “If you want to put things right between us, then start treating Dad the way he deserves.”

So much for Daniel. Earlier we spoke about Jazzer preparing for an interview. This is for a job at the new pig unit at Berrow Farm and the interviewing panel consists of Justin, Neil and Adam. Justin is surprised to see Jazzer’s name on the list of candidates, but Neil points out that they are trying to keep locals onside and, if Jazzer were not included, there could be lots of grief from locals; not least from Jazzer himself.

At first sight, Adam is a strange choice for the panel, as he was vehemently opposed to the mega dairy plan at Berrow and presumably he is not a fan of intensive, indoor farming for pigs. Plus, his experience lies in arable and cattle, so what is he doing on the panel? Justin explains to Neil that Adam has great experience of employing teams of workers and he farms Estate land and grows maize that goes to feed the pigs.

And so to the interview. Jazzer is keen and arrives on a Bridge Farm quad bike, dressed in his overalls. His interview technique is, if we are being charitable, very individual and his answers to questions highly original. Examples: ‘Are you a team player?’ ‘Depends whether it’s Celtic or Rangers’ and ‘What do you consider your main weakness?’ ‘Either whisky or women.’ Justin thanks him for coming and Jazzer’s application is in the bin almost before he is through the door.

But there is method in Jazzer’s madness; the following day, Tom goes down to see Jazzer (on one of his frequent trips to tell his pigman that he is too tied up with managerial and decision-making problems to help him with the pigs - see you tomorrow with the same message) and asks how did the interview go? Jazzer tells him that Berrow Farm as good as offered him the job and he is considering it. Tom realises that, if Jazzer leaves, then the pig work will devolve upon him and begins negotiations to keep Jazzer at Bridge Farm. Jazzer manages to screw another £2 an hour out of Tom, who insists that Jazzer will have to take on more responsibility. Jazzer says ‘no thanks’ and Tom reluctantly agrees, whereupon the Scotsman says he’ll think about Tom’s offer. Tom obviously realises that he might end up with no-one to delegate to.

Next day, Jazz seeks out Neil, who is trying to think of a diplomatic way of telling him that he didn’t get the job, however, they will keep his application on file for later. Jazzer is unconcerned. “Bin it” he tells Neil, adding that he’s surprised he even got an interview and that he prefers working in the open air. “Then why did you apply?” Neil asks, mystified. “That would be telling” answers Jazzer and offers to buy Neil a pint. You Machiavellian little devil, Jazzer!

The situation at Grange Farm is getting on my nerves and last week Will had another go at Emma, suggesting that the way she told Jake off over the broken laptop (which she didn’t tell Will about) has caused Jake to want to spend more time with Dad Andrew and less with Will. To be honest, I can sympathise with Jake over this, as Will’s idea of fun seems to be visiting Nic at the burial ground practically every day and taking umbrage at everything that anybody says to him.

To be honest, I think the best thing for everybody would be if Will pitched a tent at the burial ground and lived there permanently with Mia and Poppy (presumably Jake would pass on the chance). One person who understands how Jake is feeling is Emma who, after Will had a go at her, tells Clarrie that she wishes that she had somewhere else to go other than Grange Farm.

Over at Home Farm, Kate tells Adam how thrilled she is that he is in control of the farm, as she has some radical ideas for improvements. For ‘radical’ read ‘deranged’ as she wants to get rid of the livestock - all of it. Her rationale is that lots of people are turning Vegan. Adam is both amazed and frustrated. “We’re a farm, Kate” he explains to her, adding that, as far as he’s concerned, grazing animals are a vital part of the farm “and I couldn’t possibly recommend such a drastic change.” Kate flounces off, but not before saying “What’s the point of you taking over if you’re going to do the same things as Dad?” Get back to cleansing your yurts Kate and leave farming to those who understand the commercial realities of the business.

Speaking of Brian, he is still being mysterious, hunched over his laptop in the pub. As Ruairi has returned to school, Jennifer is frantically trying to find things to keep him occupied. One of these is playing golf and he has a round with Justin, the day of the Berrow interviews. Brian is despondent, as Martyn Gibson has achieved his ambition to become Chair of BL, although Brian reckons he’ll be out of the job by Christmas. Actually, Brian says that he has been working on something that he would like to discuss with somebody, but he cannot trust the family. Justin offers his services as a listening ear.

We are not privy to the conversation, but Justin says that he’s sorry to hear that things have got so bad, but he thinks that Brian is taking exactly the right course of action. Brian’s response is that it won’t be popular with the family and Justin says that it’s very courageous. Brian makes him swear that he won’t tell anybody - not even Lilian. Such suspense!

Suspense is also rife over at Bridge Farm, where a nervous Helen is awaiting the arrival of Sheila Dillon, of Food Programme fame, who is coming to inspect the cheese-making operation, as it has been nominated in the national finals of the Food and Farming Awards. Surely, with Radio 4 nepotism, Helen will be a shoo-in? However, Helen is on edge (Susan tells Clarrie that she is cleaning the dairy with a toothbrush) and with good reason - she is petrified that Olwen’s big mouth will somehow queer her pitch. Helen doesn’t actually ask Pat to nail up Olwen’s door, but she does ask her to keep their (in Helen’s opinion) unwelcome guest out of the way while Sheila is around.

This works very well at first, but later, Pat and Olwen are in the shop, choosing organic ingredients for lunch, when Helen and Sheila walk in. Olwen is astonished at the high prices and, when introduced to Sheila, tells her that the Food Programme should concern itself with big issues and concentrate on the inequitable prices of organic foods, rather than the taste of cheese.

Pat drags Olwen away and the latter can obviously feel the daggers that Helen is mentally throwing her way, as she asks Pat “Did I go too far?” (Yes) and “Should I go back and apologise?” (No). Pat offers to go back and check that everything is OK - it is; Sheila has told Helen that she has heard worse - and Olwen says that “I need to go for a very long walk.”

No doubt, if she were there, Helen would add ‘Yes - off a very short pier’. When Sheila has gone, an agitated Helen tells her mum “If that woman has cost me the award…” She also adds that Olwen is impossible to live with. Pat then finds a note from Olwen - she has left, feeling that the family will feel more comfortable with her gone. Before Helen can say ‘thank Christ for that’ Pat says that she is going to find her again and “Society may have failed Olwen every step of the way, but I’m damned if we’re going to!” I was waiting for Helen to say ‘What do you mean we?’ but the episode ended.

Famous Last Words, I Reckon

Alison Steadman (Olwen Thomas)

Pat is working at the Elms hostel and she is concerned that her old activist friend has got a nasty cough. It turns out that Olwen is sleeping in her car and Pat suggests that she tries to get a room at the Elms. Olwen is having none of it - she can’t be bothered with petty regulations and restrictions - and starts to leave, but collapses. Pat to the rescue! Olwen can stay at Bridge Farm and Pat phones Helen to break the news. Helen is less than thrilled and the conversation goes something like this:

Pat:            Well she can’t sleep in her car

Hel:            Mum -

Pat:            She can have Tom’s old room

Hel:            Mum -

Pat:            I’ve had a word with Tony and he wasn’t keen at first

Hel:            Mum - 

Pat:            I’m so pleased; I knew you’d understand

Hel:            Mum - 

Pat:            I’ve got to persuade Olwen now. Bye!

Hel:            Mum. Hello? Mum?

Olwen proves agreeable to the idea and is soon ensconced in Tom’s room. Pat sends her off for a bath and says that she will wash her clothes for her. When Olwen has left, Helen voices her misgivings to her mother - Henry and Jack need security and this is no time to be living with a stranger. Pat replies that Henry gets on well with Olwen (Pat and Henry bumped into her last week and he had a great time, playing on the slide in the park). This is news to Helen, as Pat never told her about this episode.

Pat then uses a little emotional blackmail, telling her daughter that the reason that they both volunteered to work at the Elms in the first place was a result of the women that Helen met in prison and, if it were Kaz on the street, Helen would invite her to stay like a shot. It’s only for a few days until Olwen is feeling better. And then Pat pronounces the (I reckon) famous last words referred to in the title, saying: “What harm could she possibly do?”

I hope that Pat’s optimism is justified - although we learn later in the week that Tom thinks that Olwen doesn’t like him very much - and that her words don’t come back and bite her in the bum, but I feel that we are being prepared for a storyline which will depict Olwen as a cuckoo in the Bridge Farm nest. And as for Pat’s rhetorical question, I would whisper just two words to her; Rob Titchener.

Things at Grange Farm continue to spiral downwards. Emma takes Keira to Bridge Farm, where she will spend the afternoon playing with Henry. Keira is unhappy and Emma reveals that she has been very clingy recently, spending the last couple of nights in Emma and Ed’s bed. A few days later, Emma breaks down in front of Fallon, having found the source of Keira’s anxiety; it appears that Jake, annoyed by Keira being in his (and George’s) room, told her that if she wasn’t good, then Nic would come back and haunt her. Emma, who is constantly being reminded by Clarrie, Ed and Will that the children are suffering badly, feels unable to give Jake a telling off, so keeps quiet.

Speaking personally, Jake sounds to me like a nasty piece of work who deserves a good slapping, never mind a telling off, and my feeling was reinforced on Friday when Jake and George were having a fight over a borrowed laptop and the screen got broken. Ed says that they will have to replace it and this is too much for Emma, who has no doubt calculated how many extra shifts at the chicken factory this will cost. She lets fly (verbally) at Jake, who says: “You’re not my mother - I haven’t got a mother” and storms out. Ed tells Emma to leave Jake be for the moment, but you don’t have to be Sherlock Holmes to realise that ends of tethers are being rapidly reached.

PC Burns had a traumatic incident last week; a couple were involved in a car crash and the lady died. The couple weren’t married and there was some unpleasantness when the lady’s family claimed that they were her next of kin. This got PCB to thinking that, had they been married, then there would be no arguments about next of kin, inheritance, etc. This affected him deeply and he shared his thoughts with Fallon. Fallon immediately had an attack of the heebie jeebies and confided to Emma (who, as we have seen, has enough on her plate) that she is afraid that Harrison is going to propose marriage. Emma says ‘so what?’ Fallon loves him and they have a lovely house together, so what’s the problem?

One assumes that the problem is that Jolene and Wayne got married and this was not an advert for Love’s Young Dream. Emma, who really can’t be arsed with all this, tells Fallon that, if she really doesn’t want to marry PCB, she’ll have to tell him. Make no mistake - Fallon does love Harrison and likes waking up beside him - it’s just the thought of being Mrs Anybody that frightens her. Fallon becomes more and more distracted and Emma couldn’t really give a toss - no doubt she would willingly exchange he problem for Fallon’s; at least Fallon has got a house of her own.

Things come to a head on Friday, when Fallon is late back from the Tea Room and spots Kenton and Jolene leaving Honeysuckle. Harrison says that he has been thinking and there’s something he’s got to ask Fallon. Thinking that he is going to propose, she stops him in full flow and says “I can’t marry you - I just can’t. Please don’t ask me!” “I wasn’t going to” says Harrison, and explains that he has just made Fallon the sole heir in his Will and Kenton and Jolene came round to witness it. Fallon thanks him and shoots him dead - no, of course she didn’t; she poisoned him.

Sorry about that - back to reality. Alistair has only been living at Jim’s for less than a week and he’s climbing the walls. Jazzer says that it’s great that they are three bachelors living together and it’s time that Alistair got back in the dating market. Indeed, Jazz can set Alistair up with some of the women on his milk round. Alistair is horrified by the very idea (after all, how would Jazzer have found out that they were a) available and b) willing?) and says that he’s not ready to think about other women. Jazzer dismisses this, saying that it’s time Alistair had a fresh start and, showing a level of insensitivity breathtaking even for the Scottish milkman, says that Shula has given him his marching orders “so what else are you going to do?”

Actually, Alistair is undergoing a strange experience, as most of those whom he meets (Brian and Tom for two) commiserate with him and then go on to say what a good job it is that the decision to split up was a mutual one. Fed up with this, he seeks out Shula and demands to know exactly when she stopped loving him - was it because of his gambling, or when Matt came back? Shula says that she doesn’t have a specific date and Alistair becomes agitated, saying that he was always second best. Shula protests, thinking that he is referring to her first husband, Mark, but he is talking about Dr Richard Locke, who asked Shula to go away with him, but she decided to make her life with Alistair. 

Shula says the split has nothing to do with anybody - “I just don’t love you any more.” With impeccable timing, we hear another voice - it is Daniel, suddenly (and silently) returned from manoeuvres in Estonia (presumably he didn’t bring the tank home or they would probably have noticed). “So, it’s true then?” Daniel says. “You two really are splitting up?” Ever since the Shula/Alistair split story began, numerous people have wondered who would tell Daniel (and how) but it seems obvious from his comment that someone got in before his mother and stepfather. Good luck explaining it to him guys.

The ‘a mutual decision’ scenario is not the only theory flying round the village, as Brian is busy telling everyone that his decision to stand down from running Home Farm was only because he wanted to let Adam take over the reins before he grew old and grey. This is patently garbage and you can’t help thinking that Brian is up to something - he spent some time in the Home Farm office looking for a specific, but unspecified, file of papers, which he found. He then made a point of driving Ruairi over to Brookfield, where he’s staying overnight. 

While there, Brian compliments Rooooth on the appearance of her lambs and, when the talk turns to the voting of Brian off the management of Home Farm, Rooooth says that she only voted the way she did in Ruairi’s best interests. Brian magnanimously says that this is all water under the bridge and one of the advantages of his new-found retirement is that he now has lots more time to spend with Ruairi. “He has his future ahead of him; who knows what it might hold?” Brian tells Rooooth. What do you reckon? Is Brian going to change the name (his) on the deeds to the farm in favour of Ruairi? As I said in the previous paragraph, you can bet that the slippery so-and-so is up to something.

The pigs will be joining Berrow Farm next week and Jazzer has got wind that interviews are being held for workers. Having failed to negotiate a rise from Tom (who, rather patronisingly, told him that management is his business and no, he hasn’t got time to help with the pigs) Jazzer confronts Neil about why wasn’t he consulted about interviews? Neil protests that advertising etc. was handled through an agency and nothing to do with him. Upon hearing this, Jazzer says that, as Unit Manager, Neil should be able to bend the rules and hands him a sheet of grubby paper, covered in an illegible scrawl. “What’s this?” asks Neil. “My CV” replies Jazzer, leaving us to marvel that he managed to spell ‘CV’ correctly.

Finally, we have a mystery developing; Ed tells PCB that, on Wednesday night, he noticed a light on in the new women’s changing rooms at the cricket pavilion. Chris has also witnessed the same phenomenon. Does PCB know what’s going on? I must say that, for a copper, not to mention the captain of the cricket team, Harrison seems totally unconcerned. Something must be up - let’s face it; if the light had been left on at the end of last season, then surely someone would have noticed before now?

Wow! Windows And A Swivel Chair!

Brian Hewlett Neil Carter)

Never let it be said that Neil Carter never takes his wife anywhere - on Tuesday he took her to see his new office at Berrow Farm. It obviously doesn’t take much to get Susan excited, as she was breathless when she caught sight of Neil’s swivel chair and practically orgasmic that he has windows; not one window, but at least two, giving him a view of the entire operation. So impressed was she that she took a photograph of him sitting at his desk. 

“Just think,” she says, “next year you might be the Borsetshire businessman of the year.” I hate to disillusion you Susan, but I think you have to do a little more than have a swivel chair to sit on and windows to look out of. But wait - Neil also has a computer and we know this because he received an e-mail from Justin, asking him to check out the C.V.s of applicants for jobs at the pig unit. I do wonder whether Neil will take to office life, as, when he and Rex are feeding the pigs, he remarks wistfully that he is going to miss being outside with his pigs. Never mind Neil, just think of the £55k salary.

Changing the subject, how much longer will it be before Will lets slip his part in covering up Nic’s hit-and-run incident? The man would make a lousy poker player, as he goes to pieces at the slightest provocation. Consider; PC Burns turns up and mentions that he has been talking to Ed. Will immediately goes on the defensive, calling his brother ‘a fantasist’ and that PCB shouldn’t believe a word he says. A mystified PCB says that he just wanted to ask Will if he would be playing cricket any time soon. “Why are you in uniform?” Will demands. “I’m on my way to work” the copper replies.

Later on, Will comes across Ed and Emma. They are talking about Brian Aldridge and Emma reckons that he is guilty of causing the contamination at Low Mead. Will immediately gets the wrong end of the stick and, when Emma goes off to do some washing, he starts moaning to Ed, saying that he (Will) was a fool for placing himself in Ed’s power and why doesn’t Ed grass him up to the police? “About what?” Ed asks and Will says “About what we talked about in the cider shed on Friday.” Ed immediately says that he was so bladdered that night that he has no recollection what they talked about - it’s a total blank. In fact, he’s forgotten all about that night and he suggests that Will does the same.

Good advice, Will. If you keep wandering about with outstretched arms, muttering ’OK, it’s a fair cop, put the ’cuffs on me’ then people will start asking awkward questions and just might begin to dig a little deeper into your weird behaviour.

Emma was in full moaning mode last week and I have to say that, for once, she had some justification. Having Will, Jake, Mia and Poppy living at Grange Farm is far from ideal. Jake and George are sharing a room and are always squabbling, while Will seems to think that the washing is done by fairies and that meals appear on the table magically. Add to this the fact that Will is her ex-husband and the situation is far from ideal. Even worse, Emma seems to be the only person to cook, wash and clean and she is annoyed because this means she cannot work at the Tea Room as often as she’d like and thus isn’t saving as much towards the new house.

Emma is also a bit miffed because she and Ed weren’t consulted about Will and family moving in. Clarrie is worried about Will and asks Emma if she minds if he and the kids stay on for a bit? Em is not at all happy, but grudgingly agrees that “another week or two won’t hurt.” Imagine then, how happy Emma was to learn that Clarrie told Will that he could stay as long as he liked.

Over at Home Farm, the palace revolution that saw Brian forced to give up day-to-day involvement with the farm has made the situation unpleasant. Brian, who is 74, going on 6, has taken his bat and ball away and is refusing to speak to most of his family and is sleeping in the spare room. Adam is struggling to understand Brian’s filing system and, when Jennifer asks Brian to help, he continues with his impression of a spoiled toddler and says huffily that it’s nothing to do with him; Adam wanted control of the farm and now he’s got it.

What makes things more complicated is that, on the Friday, the BL board is meeting to discuss the arable contract and whether Home Farm should continue to run it or not. Adam is worried, because Brian won’t reveal what he is going to say or do and, should they lose the contract, the financial repercussions would be severe. 

Before the meeting starts, Brian reveals that he has decided to retire from working on Home Farm. Not only that, but he thinks the time is right to resign as BL Chairman and he invites Annabelle, as Vice Chair, to conduct the rest of the meeting. Afterwards, we learn that the board agreed to keep the contract with Adam and slimeball Martyn Gibson tells Brian that he was most surprised about Brian’s announcement and who does he think should be the new Chairman? Brian replies that he thought Annabelle handled the meeting very well. Adam makes a short speech, praising Brian for his work in building up the business and, when the two talk privately afterwards, Adam says that he meant every word of what he said.

So, does this mean that the hatchet has been buried and everything is now OK? It would appear not, as Brian tells Adam “I only did what I did to protect the farm - don’t think for one moment that I did it to help you.” So, the toys are still being thrown out of the pram and we can assume that the spare room will remain occupied. And what of Jennifer in all this? Brian accuses her of turning against him, with Adam, and, when she protests that she cares about him very much, he sneeringly accuses her of “playing the part of the supportive wife.” Jennifer says that it is a part she has played for over 40 years but Brian is still bitter, saying “Yes, and now you’ve betrayed me. Does that not trouble your conscience even a tiny bit?” Grow up man, for God’s sake!

There were difficult times for Shula last week. Jim turned up on Easter Monday, bearing an egg from Underwoods, and was stunned when Shula said that she and Alistair were separating - he thought the row that they had last week was just a blip, or that’s what Alistair told him. Shula suggests that he should talk to Alistair to find out the situation. Jim does so and asks Alistair what did he do to drive Shula away and is Alistair having an affair? The answers to these are ‘nothing’ and ‘no’ but Jim insists that Alistair must be in some way culpable. Alistair repeats that he doesn’t understand what’s going on but he rejects Jim’s offer of a room and says that he hasn’t given up hope yet. “Good for you” says Jim, “Determination and perseverance - your marriage is worth fighting for.”

Shula also got it in the neck from Jill, who told Alan that she is convinced that Shula has made the wrong decision. Bless her, Jill seems to think that, if Shula puts her mind to it, everything will suddenly become hunky dory and she will fall back in love with Alistair. You have to admire the woman’s optimism. Shula is getting fed up of having to explain things to her mother and, as she says to sister Elizabeth, Jill hardly batted an eyelid when Kenton and his wife split up.

The difference appears to be that Jill regards Alistair like a son. For his part, Alistair wants Shula to listen to his side of the argument and he suggests counselling. She rejects this, saying that picking apart their marriage won’t rekindle her love for him and he should accept that their marriage is over. Angrily, Alistair says that, in that case, there’s no point in him hanging round The Stables and he’s off to live with Jim. As he is leaving, Jill comes round and he tells her what’s happening. Jill offers to talk to Shula and Alistair says there’s no point, as she has made up her mind.

But this is Jill and she wastes no time in confronting her daughter. Alistair is devastated (she knows) Shula has broken his heart (she knows that too). What has he done to deserve this? (Nothing). Once again Jill says that all marriages go through difficult periods but you have to work through them. Shula is starting to get fed up with all this advice and says sharply “I don’t think that details of my marriage are any of your business.” Jill then asks her if she wants to grow old alone and Shula replies that all her family are around Ambridge except Dan. Jill recalls that she couldn’t cope being alone when Phil died, to which her daughter says that she isn’t Jill and, at 59, she doesn’t feel old and she’s looking forward to new adventures. ”Now please let’s talk about something else.” Carry on in the same vein much longer, Jill and you will have one estranged daughter on your hands.

The person I feel really sorry for is Alistair. When Jim offered him the spare room, he did mention that it’s become a bit more cramped than before, as he took his music teacher’s advice and bought a piano, instead of the electronic keyboard. According to Jazzer, who also lives at Jim’s, Jim is wont to play this instrument for hours on end and it’s doing Jazzer’s head in, as he‘s not very good at it. Truly, Alistair’s cup runneth over - here he is, marriage over, sleeping on a futon in his father’s house and having to share the house with a piano-crazy, misanthropic old man and, if that weren’t enough, with Jazzer as well - it’s hard to see how it can get much worse.

Et Tu, Jenny?

Angela Piper and Charles Collingwood (Jennifer and Brian Aldridge)

It was a difficult week for Brian. It started badly, with Brian finding out that the BL board is debating whether or not to review the contract with Home Farm, in the light of the continuing fuss about the contamination. The threat is real - Justin says that, if it comes to a vote, Brian might well lose. Home Farm desperately needs the income from the contract; what can they do?

Jennifer says that he will have to call a Farm Partnership meeting and she feels that he should be straight with Rooooth. Reluctantly, Brian agrees that he doesn’t have much choice. And so he does so, asking her to keep it to herself. His motive, he tells her, is because he is concerned for his children’s futures, plus, Rooooth is in the partnership to represent Ruairi’s interests and how can these be best served by Brian going to jail? Is Rooooth going to report him to the EA? “No, of course not” she replies and Brian exhorts her once again to tell nobody - not even David.

The Partnership meeting takes place on Wednesday and Brian outlines the threat to the BL contract. However, he has a cunning plan; he can resign as BL chairman and they can put the contracting out to a new company, headed by Adam. That way, Home Farm is airbrushed from the scene. Rooooth is uncomfortable that the other partners are not aware of the whole story and asks to talk to Brian and Jen alone. Rooooth thinks they should be honest with the others and Jenny backs her up.

To a man (and two women) the children take it extremely badly, heaping vitriol on Brian’s head. Alice is particularly outspoken and Adam says that he needs to talk to Debbie. Brian is keen to have a strategy in place before the BL board meeting next week, but Adam won’t be rushed. “Make no mistake Brian,” says his stepson, “this changes everything.”

Thursday sees Kate “contemplating the ruin of my future” as she tells her mother. Spiritual Home has never been so quiet and Brian spent a long time trying to justify his actions. Kate also has a go at Jenny for keeping quiet and Jen retaliates by saying that Kate hasn’t always been honest with her children. Kate waves this away and says that, despite the hurt she is feeling, she is coming round to Brian’s point of view - it might be better to keep quiet and let Brian do things his way.

On Friday, Brian badgers Adam - what has Debbie said? Adam replies that he hasn’t been able to get in touch yet, but she’ll ring him later. She does so and the Aldridges meet to talk over the situation. Jen says Alice will be late, but she has changed her mind and now agrees with Brian’s cunning plans, as does Kate. Brian is triumphant. “Daddy’s girls” says Adam, scornfully. Adam says that Debbie agrees with him, as does Rooooth. Debbie agrees with Adam that Brian is the problem and his plan to resign as BL chairman doesn’t go far enough - the time has come for him to retire and give up all work on Home Farm. Brian is aghast and says they can’t get rid of him as it’s his farm, but Jenny says, technically it isn’t; it belongs to the partnership.

Brian doesn’t care - with his shares, Jenny’s, Alice’s and Kate’s, he has a majority. And then Jenny drops her bombshell; she agrees with Adam, Debbie and Rooooth and her shares give them the majority - it’s time that Brian stepped aside from the farm. He is dismayed, saying “No Jenny; you can’t do this to me - you can’t!”

More grief for the Grundys - Clarrie is called away to pick up Poppy from nursery, as Will is stuck in traffic. The trouble is that Poppy thinks that her dad has abandoned her, just like mother. Will beats himself up for letting her down and Clarrie suggests getting a carer in, but Will won’t have it - Poppy is confused enough as it is. Clarrie has another idea; Will and Poppy can come and live at Grange Farm. Jake and Mia will be back at the weekend and there will always be someone there to look after Poppy. If she’s really unlucky, it could be Joe.

In the end, Will agrees and, on Friday, he comes across Ed sitting on his own. Will is going to leave, but Ed persuades him to sit down and have a beer and the two brothers have their first real conversation for years. Will has another beer and it becomes apparent that he has a secret. That secret is that it was indeed Nic that ran Matt over - she was distracted by Poppy being sick and hit him.

When she got home, Nic was hysterical and told Will what she’d done. He went to have a look, but turned back when he saw the blue flashing lights of the police and ambulance. He examined the car and washed off the evidence of the collision. Nic was angry and wanted to phone the police, but Will wouldn’t let her. Ed is having trouble taking this in and says quietly “what if Matt had died?” “Well, he didn’t, did he?” Will points out, adding that, if anyone had been charged, Nic would have owned up. Ed doesn’t know what to say, but Will tells him that he wouldn’t have done anything differently and he doesn’t feel guilty in the slightest. The question is will Ed be able to keep this news to himself, or will Will feel the need to unburden himself to other members of the family? Best to let sleeping Nics lie is my advice Will.

Susan is feeling increasingly put upon. On top of her work in the Dairy and her responsibilities as Kefir Czar, Helen keeps roping her and Clarrie in to work at Helen’s cheese-making classes. Sterilising everything, washing up and answering a string of inane questions means that she doesn’t have a moment to herself. The icing on the cake came when Sabrina Thwaite referred to Susan as ‘cheese monitor’.

Susan has a good old moan to Neil and doesn’t care that she owes £5 to Alan’s moaning fund. Neil has an answer; he is now earning good money at Berrow, so why doesn’t Susan give up work and retire? She is horrified “What would I do all day?” she asks. Let’s see. Moan, spread rumours, run people down (verbally, not like Nic) and gossip - pretty much what she does now, in fact, although she is paid for it at the moment.

Talking of Alan’s ‘Pay if you moan’ fund, I reckon he’ll soon be able to get Westminster Abbey relocated to Ambridge - he must be awash with money. Lynda has been persuaded by Robert to add Tolkein to her reading list and, when she says that she cannot face the thought of tackling Lord of the Rings, he suggests The Silmarillion as an easier read. She attempts it, but is finding it increasingly difficult and she reckons it’s a load of badly-written garbage with no plot. Robert reminds her of the Moan fund and she puts a £20 note on the table and lets Tolkein have it with both barrels. Her rant complete, Lynda says that she feels much better now. If Robert had persuaded her to read Lord of the Rings, Alan might have been able to buy St Paul’s as well.

The Shula and Alistair story trundles on. Jill is convinced that Shula is avoiding her and asks Alan if he has seen her at the Palm Sunday service. Let’s think for a moment - every Palm Sunday, Shula brings Benjamin the donkey along to the church for the service (he performed impeccably this year, you’ll be pleased to know). I know that Jill had her cataracts done a while ago, so surely she must be able to see this woman holding a donkey in church? It shouldn’t be too hard to join the dots.

The latest person to get an earful (actually two earfuls) is Philip Moss. He turns up at The Stables, looking for Shula, as there is work needing doing. She’s not there, but Alistair is and tells Philip all about what’s going on. Philip suggests a pint in The Bull later and Alistair agrees. Philip has been through a divorce and he tells Alistair that he really should tell Jim what’s happening. Alistair keeps going over recent events - he never realised something was wrong and Shula’s actions were a shock. How can he deal with life without her?

Philip’s second earful happens later in the week while working at The Stables and Shula invites him in for lunch. Philip is up front about his drink with Alistair and he must be considering a change of career as an Agony Aunt when Shula starts bending his ear. She confides that she is worried about Daniel’s reaction, but Philip says that his son took the news of his parents’ divorce much better that he expected. Philip has been there, done that.

Shula is pleased that Alistair confided in Philip; here she is, with relatives around every corner, while Alistair only has Jim - a thought that probably has Alistair sobbing into his pillow and wondering if it’s worthwhile going on… Shula is pleased that Philip seems to understand and she tells him that she just can’t keep on pretending any longer. Truly there is no such thing as a free lunch, Philip.

What else has happened? We had Jenny talking about Lexi’s menstrual cycle at the breakfast table and Lexi got a job at the chicken factory, not that these two items are connected. Lexi went round the village looking for a job, because she’s always worked and is getting bored. Roy and Lynda are horrified when she tells them, but she says a job is a job.

Neil thinks that Rex has the makings of a decent pig man - he’s intelligent and doesn’t have to be told things twice. Neil is looking forward to seeing the pigs back at Hollowtree, as that was where Neil began his farming career, as Phil Archer’s pig man.

Finally, when Helen and Pat were having a catch up near the beginning of the week (always a good ploy so that we are brought up to date with current stories) we learn that the Kirsty/Philip relationship is still going strong and Pat muses that she wishes Tom could find somebody. We are also told that Tom is perfectly OK with the Kirsty/Phil situation, to which I would point out that it is really sod all to do with him and they certainly don’t need his permission, nor his approval.