Do You Want To Know A Secret?

Stephen Kennedy (Ian Craig)

There were a number of people in Ambridge last week telling their secrets and then exhorting other people not to tell anyone about it. The week began with Rob suggesting to Helen that they keep their engagement secret (sounds like a good excuse not to buy a ring to me). Rob then rang Jess when Helen was out of the way and told her that "there's no need to get in a state – we can take things slowly." Hmm. The suspense surrounding Rob continues to gather.

Helen has obviously never heard of the old adage 'he that would keep a secret should keep it secret that he has a secret to keep' as she is going round the village with a smile like a grand piano keyboard. At lunch with Ian, he remarks that she is positively glowing and Helen tells him about Jess agreeing to the divorce. Helen then lets the cat out of the bag when she says that she thought she'd have to wait at least two years before Rob was free …"To do what?" pounces Ian and Helen tells him about Rob's proposal.

She begs Ian not to tell anyone, as he is the first person she's told. Also, please don't tell Rob that he knows, as Rob wants it to be their secret. Ian, however, says that he cannot possibly hide the news from Adam and, when Ian returns home, it takes about three nano-seconds to spill the beans. Adam is both surprised and sceptical, saying that, when couples start keeping secrets from each other "it's the start of a slippery slope." Well done Helen – one lunch and the number of people who know your secret has doubled. It bodes ill.

We also had Rooooth bursting into tears at the end of the week when Jill tells her that she looks washed out and exhausted. Rooooth begs Jill not to tell David about her crying. I reckon we are in for a major crisis in Rooooth's life, as all week there have been hints that she isn't looking too good and David has been saying that she's looking tired. Good job that Jill has been handling all the domestic chores, or else Rooooth would have collapsed about Tuesday.

It was a busy week for Daniel, whose pancake filling ('Montezuma's Revenge') won the award for the nastiest topping in the pancake tasting at The Bull. Daniel has also organised an Ambridge assault course for Sports Relief and Fallon joins in enthusiastically. It sounds like it could be a bit difficult, but Fallon managed to talk Daniel out of using live ammunition and flame throwers to gee up contestants a bit.

The assault course brought together an unlikely alliance, when Emma and Nic agreed to take part together. Whatever next? Will and Ed as partners in a three-legged race?

Fallon revealed that Rhys is handing in his notice to go and work in an uncle's bar in Cardiff and she won't be going back with him. So much for love's young dream and Fallon wants to move out of the flat and go back to living at The Bull while Rhys works his notice.

At Home Farm, Brian is begging Adam for jobs outside so that he can escape from Jennifer's remorseless banging on about a new kitchen and, even worse, trying to engage Brian in the decision-making process - like he cares. He talks to Adam about Jennifer wanting 'statement taps'. Adam is intrigued – what statement could a tap make? "Look at me, I'm expensive," says a jaundiced Brian. Just sign the cheques Brian and make sure that the corkscrew is kept in an easily-accessible place.

More tension between Tom and Tony when Tony's cows get out and invade the field where Tom's pigs are, knocking over the electric fence and trashing the feeders. Tom takes it in good part, saying "accidents will happen Dad". And if you believe that, you obviously don't know Tom's character. In fact, Tom goes off on one, telling his father that he bought the cows (without consulting Tom), so he should be more careful about looking after them. Tom also suggests that Tony wants to run Tom's pigs off the farm – at which Tony calls his son 'paranoid'. Tom carries on being both offensive and self-pitying, saying he has had a wasted morning and then he goes off to have lunch with Kirsty. Tom gives her earache, telling her just what he thinks of his Dad and is surprised when Kirsty suggests that perhaps Tom is over-reacting just a tad? Anyway, they ask Alice to be their (unpaid) wedding planner and she jumps at the chance, presumably planning to hold the wedding as far from Ambridge as possible.

The weather featured heavily once again, with a burst water main meaning that the village has no mains water and the water company came round with bowsers. This happened on Shrove Tuesday – the night of the pancake competition in The Bull – and, after the final judging, Kenton is in upbeat form, telling everybody "We may be short of water, but we haven't drunk the pub dry yet." I was hoping that Lilian would turn up and make him eat (drink?) his words.

Cutting Off Her Nose?

Louiza Patikas (Helen Archer)

Rob wanted to take Helen to the Felpersham Film Festival. But who will look after Henry? Rob is confident that Pat will jump at the chance but, when Helen rings her, she says that she's too busy. Pat tells Tony that it's inconsiderate of Helen to expect her to baby sit at such short notice, but it doesn't take her long to blame Rob, saying that he'll have to get used to living with a small child. Tony warns her not to cut off her nose to spite her face.

And what is it that is keeping Pat busy? She and Tony go out to look at the cows and she starts moaning about why Tony never consulted her over buying them. Tony says it wasn't her that he was keeping the secret from, rather it was Tom. Tom proves he has inherited the Pat moaning gene when he bangs on to Kirsty about how insane the idea is. He does talk briefly to his dad – did I say 'talk'? I meant 'lecture' – with such phrases as "I don't know how we can work together if you don't consult me" and "I thought we were a team." Yes, and we know who Tom thinks is Captain, don't we?

They do talk again later in the week, largely at the prompting of Kirsty, who must be regretting the day she said 'yes' to Tom's proposal. This time it's more of a proper conversation, with Tony saying "cows are in my blood", which explains a lot, and accusing Tom of thinking that everything he (Tony) does is based on sentiment, rather than on sound business grounds. Tom is still miffed, as he had to cancel an order of weaners, but at least they have cleared the air.

Meanwhile, the plot surrounding Rob thickens; on Tuesday he has just assembled Henry's new bed and, when Helen takes Henry away, we hear Rob on the phone, saying "Jess, it's Rob. Ring me – we need to talk soon." On Wednesday he rings again and we learn that he wants to talk about getting a divorce. She hangs up, but eventually comes round and, on Friday, we learn that she has agreed to a civilised divorce and Rob tells Helen, who thinks it's fantastic and she cannot wait to tell her mum.

So, Helen rings Pat and tells her the good news. Pat's reaction is like someone finding a dead skunk in their freezer and, when Helen says "You are pleased for me, aren't you mum?" Pat replies in leaden tones "If you are happy." Helen doesn't seem to notice the total lack of warmth and enthusiasm and rings off. Tony says "At least it shows Rob's intentions are honourable" and "I've always wanted a father for Henry." Pat's reaction is that she doesn't want Rob to be the father and, as far as she's concerned, it seems that even if Rob were to disembowel himself in public, she would say that he had it easy because the knife was sharp. Helen and Rob are out walking and Helen tells him that both Kirsty and Pat are happy for them both. "So I've won over my two greatest critics? It's a day of miracles!" Rob says. Sorry Rob, but you haven't and it isn't. However, for those among you who delight in Pat's discomfort, stay tuned, as at the end of the week, Rob asks Helen to marry him. I can't wait to hear Pat's reaction when she receives that bit of news.

At Brookfield, Jill is in Wonder Woman mode, lighting the Aga, cooking, cleaning (including the cooker, which is probably a first for it). She takes David a bacon butty for breakfast in the lambing shed and on the way back, retiles the roof of the farmhouse and builds a new barn. So effective is her cleaning binge that, when Emma turns up to do the cleaning, there's nothing for her to do and she isn't a happy bunny. Her attitude is not lost on Jill, who says to Lynda when Emma leaves the room, "I put my foot in it there, didn't I?" Lynda's reply is that "Emma can be a bit over-sensitive at times!" Ha! For 'over-sensitive', read 'moody', 'morose' and 'miserable'.

However, Emma is one of the legions of females who attend the W.I. lecture at the Village Hall, many of who are from the younger generation. The reason? Jill has persuaded P.C. Burns to come along to talk about home security and he is confronted by a sea of panting females, with tongues lolling out of their mouths and all entertaining fantasies about getting P.C. Burns in a locked room with his handcuffs. At least they didn't throw their underwear on to the stage, so I suppose we should be grateful.

Jim and Alan share a lunch and the pair talk about the new stained glass window (in memory of Jack) and what the subject of said window should be. Jim suggests a competition among local schools etc. and we are reminded that Lent is approaching. What demented scheme will the mad vicar come up with this year? We aren't told, except that he says he would like "to start Lent off with a bang." Sounds promising.

Every so often, I ask what has happened to a character who we haven't heard from for some weeks. There is a long list of people who have apparently gone awol – Christine has vanished back into limbo, Adam and Ian appear to be hibernating, Caroline and Oliver must be working 24/7 at Great Gables and heaven alone knows what has happened to Kathy and Jamie. Personally, I think it's time Tom joined the list.

See How You Like it Tom

Tom Graham (Tom Archer)

Ambridge's answer to Richard Branson and Alan Sugar got a dose of his own medicine last week and he didn't like it, immediately throwing his toys out of the pram. I refer of course to Tom ('Ready Meals') Archer, who had his nose put out of joint by his father.

It happened when a shedload of cows turned up at Bridge Farm and Tom tells the delivery man that they don't belong there. Wrong! Tony turns up and tells Tom and Pat that he has bought them and he's going into beef production. Tom is incensed because this is the first he's heard of it (and Pat too, incidentally) and he cannot believe that Tony could take such a step without consulting him. For 'consulting' read 'asking Tom's permission.'

Tony points out that he is still very much part of the farm and he's not the loser that Tom and Peggy seem to think. Oh and by the way, the expense of the outlay means he won't be able to contribute as much to the wedding as he previously thought. Tom is convinced his dad has lost it completely and is still angry at not being consulted. Let's just pause here and reflect – this is the same Tom who came up with the plan to sell the dairy cows, which he presented to his rather surprised parents. It is also the same Tom who wants to expand the number of pigs (he's had his eye on the barn which now houses Tony's cattle) – again this was presented as a fait accompli. It's the same Tom too who has grandiose plans to grow his own feed for the pigs on land freed up by getting rid of those pesky cows. Once again, Tony wasn't kept in the loop over this decision. Tom is really in no position to moan about not being consulted, but moan he does and, in a fit of pique, he rings up the marquee company and cancels the wedding marquee, saying "we're not having the reception on the farm any more." I bet he even stamped his little feet when he said it.

Tom isn't the only one who thinks that Tony's gone slightly mad, as David asked him if he was absolutely sure that he's doing the right thing? Indeed, the deal was concluded with almost indecent haste, from initial idea to delivery and this might be the only time that someone has impulse-bought a herd of Aberdeen Angus crosses.

Tony and David did their Noah impression when they rescued a flock of sheep from a farm 40-odd miles away, which was under water, and brought them to Brookfield. In fact, the weather was very much the topic of a number of conversations in Ambridge, as indeed it has been in real life.

It's because of the weather that Kenton is in the doghouse – almost literally, as Jolene won't let him in the bedroom. It wasn't really his week, as he moved Jolene's highly-prized stage outfits (and wasn't it horrible to hear Eddie reminiscing and leching over how skimpy they were) into the cellar. That wouldn't have been so bad, but Jolene asked him to clear the gutters and inspect the drains. He did the first, but not the second and the result was a flooded cellar and the closure of the pub. To say that Jolene was not amused is an understatement as she really let him know how pissed off she was and she cut off his conjugals – he was lucky that was all she cut off.

Before it closed, The Bull was the setting for a nice cameo between Brian, Jennifer and Clarrie. Jen had made some remark earlier about how some people can't deal with money (she still thought that Susan had won millions) and Clarrie decided to wind her up, telling her that Susan and Neil were thinking of buying Netherbourne Hall. Jen was surprised, as it's not on the market. "Everything has it's price" says Clarrie and Jen is getting more and more put out. Clarrie eventually cracks up, having just told Jen that George has had his name put down for Eton. "Your face was a real picture" Brian tells his wife, which she'll probably make him suffer for.

David and Rooooth are worried about how they can persuade Jill to come and stay at Brookfield for a couple of weeks. As it turns out, they are pushing at an open door, as Jill not only agrees, but packs her case in about three nano-seconds, barely giving David time to check that the chain in the Brookfield kitchen is the right length so that Jill will easily be able to reach the Aga, the fridge and the kitchen sink. If Jill is looking forward to a couple of weeks of rest and relaxation, I fear she is in for a bit of a shock. At least that will stop her walking in on David and Rooooth when they are getting amorous, as happened when they last all lived together.

The jury is still out on Rob's character – Helen confronts him and asks if he went to see Jess the other week. He says 'yes' but denies sleeping with her. He then says he didn't mention it because he wanted to protect Helen, as Jess had threatened to kill herself and he knew about Greg's suicide. Even more – Jess had tried to top herself some time earlier and he found her in time to save her life. Helen believes his story and they kiss. Rob realises now why Helen wanted a new bed. So what do we think – is he telling the truth or not? One thing's for sure – if it is a pack of lies, you've got to admire the speed with which he thinks on his feet under pressure.

Find Out What Rob's Taking And Give Me Some

Timothy Watson (Rob Titchener)

Let's start at the end of the week – the day before Valentine's Day, Rob took Helen to a Michelin-starred restaurant, having persuaded Tony and Pat to let Henry sleep over at Bridge Farm. The following day, Rob has to go and view a machinery demonstration, leaving Helen and Henry alone at Blossom Hill Cottage.

Helen is just settling down to watch TV when the doorbell rings and it is a very surprised Jess, who wasn't expecting Helen. Helen launches into her 'we love each other and we're sorry that you got caught in the middle' speech when Jess interrupts her and says "Good luck; you've no idea what you've taken on." Jess also asks "Where was Rob last Thursday?" to which Helen replies that he was at a feed supplier in Essex. Jess then drops her bombshell, saying that Rob was in fact "With me, in my bed" which stops Helen in her tracks.

Now, is Jess telling the truth? If so, is Rob with some other woman even as Helen and Jess talk? If so, where does he get his energy from? I really, really hope that there is an innocent explanation as, as I said last week, I really don't think that I could bear the inevitable crowing, smugness and 'I told you so' that Pat and Tony are bound to indulge in, with the odd morsel of sympathy for their daughter. Let's keep our fingers crossed, but things don't look good.

Food featured too in the Brookfield household, when Rooooth managed to cremate the pie and chips, before serving it up to a complaining family. "Leave the black bits – eat what you can" she tells her sons and a grumbling David. Why didn't she just do them beans on toast instead? Come to that, if you knew that lambing was going to be a busy time (and previous years would have given you a clue), wouldn't you have made sure that you had some prepared meals in the freezer? Failing that, get some Ready Meals from Tom.

Anyway, the next night Jill is at Brookfield and an exhausted Rooooth comes in from a hard time skinning a dead lamb, wondering what she can possibly burn for the family tonight? Why not lamb – there's a dead one going begging in the lambing shed? Jill rises to the challenge, telling Rooooth to go and have a long bath and she'll see what she can rustle up.

It turns out to be cottage pie, which is fair enough, as Brookfield has beef cattle – there's a fair chance there would have been some mince around the place and not even Rooooth could have completely run out of potatoes. As it is, the Archer family are practically orgasmic when they taste it – I suppose it is because it wasn't black, shrivelled up and welded to the plate and could be eaten without using a chisel. Suffice it to say that they are pathetically grateful and, when Jill offers to wash up and then takes David a flask of coffee in the lambing shed, David won't hear of her walking home on her own (Rooooth has fallen asleep in the armchair) and offers her Pip's room for the night. Jill accepts readily, obviously not realising that David's ulterior motive is to ensure that he gets a decent, cooked breakfast in the morning without sausages that look as if they have burned up on re-entry. In fact, Jill will be lucky if she ever gets home at all, I reckon.

Last week I suggested that Tony couldn't possibly get more miserable without topping himself, but I was wrong. Once again Tom is the catalyst, as he asks Peggy if she can finance the deposit for a house, due to the high cost of the wedding (he tells Roy that it's coming in at around £20 k – and this is without knowing that Kirsty's wedding dress is going to cost close to £3 k). Peggy agrees and tells Tom to come and see her when he's found a place he likes and he goes off to measure up Warwick Castle for carpets.

But back to Tony. He has to take Peggy into Borchester (Jennifer has had a 'disastrous' hair colouring incident and couldn't act as chauffeuse) which he does with extremely bad grace, responding to Peggy's conversational gambits with taciturn monosyllables. Peggy eventually asks him what's wrong, refraining to add 'you miserable git' and the whole story of Peggy leapfrogging Tony and Pat and leaving her money to Tom comes out again.

Tony continues to moan about not being trusted or valued and Peggy demonstrates that she has a streak of cruelty in her (although she can be forgiven after putting up with the constant whining) when she casually says that she has decided to support Tom in his efforts to buy a house. Bullseye! Tony goes back to Bridge Farm and rants at Pat, saying that Peggy obviously thinks he's a failure and "Tom can forget about any contribution to the wedding." There's nothing like a wedding for bringing families together, is there?

Finally, we had depressing news when Susan talked to Clarrie about the misunderstanding about the size of Susan's lottery win. Clarrie was worried that Susan might move away and take the kids with her, but Susan dashed all our hopes when she says: "Ambridge is our home – we'd never move away." Damn!

Keep All Sharp Objects Away From Tony

David Troughton (Tony Archer)

Honestly, if Tony gets any more miserable, he'll top himself. Everything anyone else says or does is examined in forensic detail so that he can twist it to extract every ounce of self-pity from it. Consider the following: Peggy gave Jack's old dinner jacket to Rob and, when Tony learns of this he says that Peggy obviously assumes that he would never be invited to a black tie do. Be honest – would you invite the miserable sod?

Tony surpassed himself this week when Rob came to tea. All Tony had to do was to be civil to him for an hour or two, but he couldn't even manage that and storms out when Rob talks about how generous Peggy is. This has a somewhat negative effect on the party and Rob leaves. Helen returns from seeing him off and she is absolutely seething, telling her parents that Rob will never darken their door again and neither will she – she and Henry are moving in with Rob.

Quite rightly blaming himself, Tony sinks ever deeper into a slough of despair, to the extent that, when he goes to the pub, Jolene says to Eddie "Tony's not a happy bunny." It was standing on a chair and throwing a rope over the beam in the roof that gave it away, I reckon.

Mind you, Tony's children aren't helping to lighten his mood any – as well as Helen leaving home, Tom manages to depress his father. Having originally decided on having the wedding reception at Bridge farm ('so that Mum and Dad can feel involved') Tom now wants to go to some stately home and tells his Dad that the only reason they can't is that the Home isn't free on the day.

Tom proves why he's never been in the running for the title of 'Mr Sensitive' when he suggests to Kirsty that they go and look at the site on Bridge Farm where they will build their house. She's not keen, saying that that was what Tom and Brenda had planned but she would rather live away from the Farm. Even though this is more expensive, Tom agrees, but it turns out to be another cross for Tony to bear, as the plan was that, when the time came to retire, Tom and wife would move into the farmhouse and Tony and Pat would take over Tom's house. More misery for Tony, but can you blame Kirsty for not wanting to live on the farm when Tony is hanging around, oozing despair and pessimism from every pore?

Rob appears to have caught some of Tom's insensitivity – Kirsty says to Helen that she would find it creepy, sleeping in the same bed that Rob and Jess used and Helen suggests to Rob that they should get a new one. He won't hear of it, saying that there's nothing the matter with it. Mind you, I don't know how much scope there will be for passion, as Henry slept between Helen and Rob on his first night and Rob was detained overnight the next night after a hard day's work away, too knackered to drive home. Is this the truth, or is Rob really the rotter that some (yes Pat, I am talking about you) suspect? I really hope not as I couldn't bear the crowing and 'I told you so' moments if Pat should be correct.

Ed and Emma hatch a cunning plan to get Holly back from Will and Nic's and that is to get Nic to persuade Will to let Holly go back to live with Ed, Emma and George. As it turns out, there is very little needed in the way of persuasion; certainly as far as Nic is concerned. No sooner has Emma tentatively broached the subject than Nic has offered to pick George up from school and drop him and Holly (who really ought to be renamed yo-yo with her changes of address) off at Ambridge View.

"What about Will?" asks Emma, but Nic says that she'd "rather deal with Will in a strop than have a puppy to worry about" and tells Emma "you'll be doing me a massive favour". And let's be honest, she must be used to dealing with Will in a stroppy mood, as this is his default mode, except for the times when he's miserable and moaning. Perhaps Will and Tony should go out for a drink together. I'm sure the Samaritans could take on extra staff.

The rumour of Susan's massive lottery win continues to spread, with Jennifer saying that she's heard that it is over £2 million, which is what Jennifer probably spends a year on getting her hair done. Pat wonders whether Susan will give up work and Eddie tells Clarrie that Neil will never leave his home or give up his pigs. Clarrie wonders whether Neil might buy their house, saying that Neil would be a better landlord than Hazel. I fear a few people are in for a bit of a disappointment when the Carters return and Neil and Susan might have a hard job convincing some of them that the jackpot win is just the product of some over-active imaginations and tongues.

The alternative, rival Valentine's night at The Bull story leaves me cold, although I did smile when Kenton tried to persuade Tony to go along. But let's end with Tony and Pat. Tony has just walked Jill home, saying that it was a change to be with someone who appreciates his company "unlike my children". He tells Pat that Tom doesn't want to build a house at Bridge Farm, saying that they don't want us. He then gives her his vision of the future for himself and Pat, which is "No kids, no grandchildren, no cows; just this big, empty silence." Wouldn't it have been just great if Pat had replied "By the way Tony, I'm leaving you and moving out"?

An Opportunity Missed

Rui Thacker (George Grundy)

Ed and Emma had a golden opportunity to better their lives last week, when George packed a bag one evening and set out for Will and Nic's house. Instead of either moving, or changing the locks, Ed goes out to look for him and Emma rings Will. The two brothers meet, angry words are exchanged and violence breaks out. Bearing in mind that George still hasn't been found, it hardly seems the time for a brawl. Eddie turns up and breaks up the fight, saying that he's disgusted with both of them.

The next day, Ed apologises to his Dad for his behaviour and resolves to keep a lid on his temper. By contrast, nasty, whiny Will makes a distraught Clarrie's mood even worse when he rings her and tells her that it was all Ed's fault. Perhaps George should go and live in a kennel with Holly, thereby making everyone happy, especially us.

At Bridge Farm, Tony continues to suffer from angst and self-doubt, saying things like "What do I have to do to make my own mother think I'm worth something?" My suggestions are either hypnosis or extremely strong mind-altering drugs. Even Tom realises that his Dad is feeling a bit low and he and Kirsty come up with the idea of holding their wedding reception in a marquee at Bridge Farm. "It might help them to feel more involved" says Tom. I suppose the fact that it's a cheap option never had anything to do with it?

Anyway, Tom and Kirsty go to see Tony and Pat and broach the idea. The parents are delighted and accept immediately. I had hoped that Tom would say to Tony "That's always assuming that you can put the marquee up properly, you loser" but he didn't.

We also had the story about Susan's lottery win. Susan feels guilty about telling so many fibs. In fact, she overdoes it somewhat, going up to total strangers and saying we've been saving up for this for years you know – that's the only way we could have afforded it. Her cunning plan of disinformation, however, goes nads up when she makes the fundamental mistake of giving Dad Bert some of the money and saying something like 'whatever you do, don't mention the lottery win'.

Bert Horrobin immediately goes to the pub and starts chucking money around like a very philanthropic octopus. Joe is there, with his uncanny sixth sense for a free drink or two and Bert tells him that Susan has won the lottery but his lips are sealed and he cannot say anything. Too late, Bert, my old mate – the words 'cat', 'bag' and 'out of' spring to mind. Joe isn't one to keep such information to himself and goes round telling everyone that there were probably six zeroes on Susan's cheque and she's a millionaire. It will be interesting when Susan returns from St. Lucia to find sacks of begging letters on the doorstep and a queue of people winding down the front garden path, carrying begging bowls.

Jill had a moment of panic when she heard a noise during the night, so she rang David, who went round with Rooooth. There's no sign of any intruder and Rooooth offers to make a cuppa. They ask Jill to come back with them, but she refuses, saying the tea has made her feel better, which makes you wonder what Rooooth put in her cup. "I've been a terrible nuisance" says Jill. Of course you haven't, love; David and Rooooth don't mind being woken up at 1am after a hard day's work by a manic phone call and going out in the dark – don't worry about it, call anytime.

Helen featured prominently last week – Kirsty asked her (with some trepidation) if she'd be her bridesmaid. Helen is delighted and agrees at once. Not only that, but Henry's going to be a page boy, lucky lad. On Sunday, Jennifer is taking Peggy home from visiting Jack's grave and Peggy muses about how she wishes Helen could find someone. Good old poker face Jen immediately goes all coy and Peggy realises that she's hiding something. The whole story comes out and Peggy is a bit shocked at the thought that her granddaughter might have been having an affair. Jennifer does her best to minimise the damage by saying that she thinks the marriage was over when they began.

Pat turns up at Peggy's as Jen leaves and Peggy mentions Rob, asking Pat if that's why she came over? Right on cue, Peggy's phone rings and it's Helen, asking if she could come over of Friday "and bring someone" "Rob?" Peggy asks and, putting the phone down, says "I'll be able to make my own mind up now." What, no immediate condemnation of the man, no ranting, no calls for castration? She's actually going to use reason and listen to Rob and Helen's stories? A bit radical for an Archer female, that.

Pat tells Peggy that Tony is feeling really down and Peggy reassures her that she does love Tony (but not enough to leave him any money). He should be stepping back after his heart attack, says Peggy and it's Tom and Helen's vision that's important now. Or to put it another way, Tony, you're yesterday's man and your rocking chair, pipe and slippers are in the corner.

Friday arrives and Helen and Rob turn up. The conversation is very frank and Peggy is impressed with Rob's answers and attitude, saying: "I'm all for giving second chances. It seems to me the sooner you two can get together, the better. Life's too short, don't you think?" Are you listening, Pat?

Where There's A Will…

June Spencer OBE (Peggy Woolley)

…You'll usually find a few unsatisfied people having a moan. Last week, Peggy called her children and partners together and they were expecting to hear what Jack had left them in his will. Peggy had put some of Jack's treasured possessions on display and we learned that his taste was, to put it charitably, not of the best. Even better, Peggy managed to get shot of lots of old tat, by presenting family members with said keepsakes, which they could hardly refuse.

As to the will, Peggy revealed that Witch Hazel gets the lion's share, while Peggy gets The Lodge and is adequately provided for. This has made her think about her own bequests when her time comes and she tells Jen and Brian that they have done well for themselves and their children are in no danger of running short. Equally, Lilian and Matt have been successful and don't need the money. Then there's Tony – what can she say about Tony?

'Not much really' is the answer – she accepts that he has done sterling work in his organic enterprise but she feels that her money should go to those who can make best use of it. Tony is just getting his wallet out and rehearsing his 'thank you' speech when Peggy drops her bombshell – she is going to leave The Lodge to Helen and everything else is going to Tom.

This goes down like a lead balloon with Pat and Tony, who regard it as a thinly-veiled accusation that they cannot provide for their children and cannot be trusted with Peggy's money. Pat especially is unhappy and she first tries to get Tony to talk to Peggy and change her mind, but he says 'no'. Later on, Pat tackles Lilian, who admits that she was slightly disappointed (especially when she and Matt ended up with the picture of the crying gypsy girl – Matt's comment "you'd never get tired of setting alight to that" tells you everything you need to know about the picture). Sensing a sympathetic soul, Pat suggests to Lilian that they all go to see Peggy and torture her until she sees reason. Lilian is lukewarm, however, saying "it's not our place to complain".

Brian is next on Pat's list, when she asks him if he has reservations. Brian replies that it seems logical to him, to which pat says "Leapfrogging Tony is painful; it implies she doesn't trust him – he's hurt." Brian points out that all the other grandchildren have been excluded and "It's Peggy's money – she can do what she likes." Pat says she was looking for support and that Peggy's making a mistake, adding "I'll just have to tell her myself."

Let's pause here. Peggy has three children, Tony, Jennifer and Lilian. All have told Pat that it's none of their business, but she (who isn't a blood relative) thinks she knows better. Please, will someone tattoo "Is this really any of my business?" back to front on Pat's forehead and give her a mirror so that she might stop and think before leaping in with both feet every time? She's already pissed Helen off big time and now she seems set on alienating the entire Archer clan.

And what of Tom and Helen in all this? Helen is very grateful, although I wonder if, when Peggy finds out about Rob and the affair, she might change her will. As for Tom, he is convinced that Peggy has done the right thing and can be found tacking almost-invisible black threads across the top of the stairs at The Lodge and leaving the gas taps turned on, while saying to Peggy how romantic candlelight is.

What else happened last week? Susan and Neil are off to St. Lucia, lucky them and at least they have got rid of Holly, as Will suggested that the puppy should live with him and Nic, for George's sake. Ed and Emma aren't happy, but reluctantly agree. George demonstrates a frightening level of single-mindedness by obsessing about seeing Holly, to the extent that he is in floods of tears at school and keeps going on about going to see the damn dog. Someone else who is not doing handsprings at Holly's re-homing is Nic, who tells Will "The last thing we need is an incontinent puppy".

You have to wonder about Ed sometimes – he spent a considerable time repairing his work boots with gaffer tape, as they are leaking and he has wet socks. For heaven's sake! His mother-in-law has just given Emma £500 to spend and, when Emma suggests buying a new pair of boots, Ed says "we should spend it on the kids". Why? George is being a right pain and Keira's not that old yet – go on; splash out on a pair of boots, they're not that expensive. Besides, gaffer tape is bloody dear, not to mention getting earache from Emma, who keeps whining about the mess on the kitchen floor.

To conclude this week, it might be possible that Jazzer will turn homosexual, as he was helping Neil out (mostly by eating his toasted cheese, it must be said) when Susan, who didn't know Jazzer was visiting, came into the kitchen, modelling her newly-bought beachwear. It was hard to say who was the most shocked. Whatever, I just hope that the inhabitants of St. Lucia are ready for this and that they know what they're letting themselves in for.