Not Heartbroken For Very Long

Mali Harries (Natasha)

For someone whose ten-year relationship ended recently, it didn’t take Natasha long to get back into the saddle - the saddle in question being Tom Archer. Tom and dad Tony are talking and Tony remarks that Tom and Natasha seemed to be getting on well at the Nuffield Conference. “Very well, actually” Tom says smugly, prompting an “oh yes!” from Tony.

The conversation turns to the topic of the respective merits of compost versus woodchip (I can hardly stand the excitement). Tony is in favour of the former, while Tom reveals that Natasha is pro-woodchip. Furthermore, Tony can debate the subject with Natasha tomorrow, as Pat has invited her to dinner.

Now, if you had to choose a fellow diner from among the inhabitants of Ambridge for an evening of conviviality and sparkling repartee, I submit that the name of Tony Archer would not spring to mind. In fact, he’d be beaten into last place by Joe Grundy. In short, Tony should change his surname to ‘misanthrope’, or possibly, ‘miserable old sod.’ Pat tries to persuade him to have a bath and change his clothes, but Tony cannot see why, as Christmas is still three weeks away. “I hate having dinner guests” Tony whines.

Dinner is - and I know you will be gobsmacked to learn this - not a great success, with Tony ready to pick a fight with Natasha over the compost/woodchip situation. As he told Tom earlier, what does Natasha know about farming? Tom replies that her business involves trees, which is what we are talking about. 

At the dinner table, Tom drops the not-really-a-bombshell that he is going to stop bothering with Kefir. Tony suspects the hand of Natasha in this and becomes even more morose, if such a thing were possible. Pat wonders what about Susan - being promoted to the post of Kefir supremo meant a lot to her, not to mention the pay rise. The fact that the stuff isn’t selling and that nobody likes it doesn’t seem to matter much to Pat. Nevertheless, she is determined that the dinner should go smoothly and she drags the increasingly-disgruntled Tony into the kitchen. He immediately begins moaning because Natasha didn’t eat much food (she doesn’t like cinnamon). Pat says, through clenched teeth, that all she wanted was a nice dinner. Natasha gives Pat a present before she and Tom leave for some do or other - it’s a box of cosmetics and Natasha puts the make-up on Pat. Tony comes back and says “Your eyes look amazing. She may not know much about farming, but she knows about cosmetics.” Too little, too late, Tony you old crawler.

The Tom/Natasha relationship is galloping ahead and he gives her a guided tour of the house. Natasha wonders whether Hannah does most of the cleaning, cooking etc. but Tom says on the contrary, she’s the most untidy of all three of them. Hannah overhears this and comes into the kitchen to meet Natasha. Later on, while Natasha is getting something from her car, Hannah suggests to Tom that he should tell Natasha about how he and Hannah were “friends with benefits” (i.e. indulging in occasional, casual sex). Tom is appalled - how can he break news like that? Hannah says just think how much worse it would be if Natasha were to find out the true facts later on.

After thinking about it, Tom is convinced that Hannah is right and tells Natasha right away. She takes it very calmly and commends Tom for his honesty, before asking if Tom and Hannah are all over? Tom assures her this is the case and the pair kiss. The next day, Tom tells Hannah that he took her advice and that he and Natasha have broken up over it. Hannah seems hopeful, but Tom bursts out laughing and says that he was only joking and thanks for the advice. And oh yes, Natasha might be stopping over tonight.

Things go better for Hannah at work - Neil returns and takes her to task for sending under-weight loads of pigs to the abattoir. She explains that she did it because it made financial sense to minimise the amount of expensive food needed and Neil, albeit reluctantly, concedes that she has a point. His mood is not improved when Justin drops in to Berrow and begins singing Hannah’s praises and doesn’t Neil agree that she deserves a bonus this month?

Back at Ambridge View, Neil is moaning to Susan that he could have handled the situation better, to which she replies that he just isn’t a natural manager, unlike her. Just then, she picks up a message from Clarrie, telling her that she has heard about Tom’s plans to ditch the Kefir. Susan is distraught “My career is in jeopardy!” she wails at Neil, vowing that she is not going to give up what she calls “my management role” without a fight.

Another person who seems determined not to give up without a fight is Roy and it is Lexi that he is determined not to give up. Lynda catches him reading ‘Teach Yourself Bulgarian’ or similar and researching hotel jobs in Bulgaria. He confides that he has a cunning plan and goes off to see Lexi. His plan is that they can live and work together in Bulgaria, but Lexi torpedoes this idea - what about Phoebe and Abbie? He can’t just be a father when his daughters are on holiday. Whatever they decide, someone is going to suffer. Roy says she is giving up too easily and an offended Lexi suggests that he had better leave.

Roy seeks solace in The Bull and quickly gets slaughtered. He is joined by Hannah, who starts off by looking after him, but soon ends up equally pissed. Roy wants to go and see Lexi, but Jazzer, who has joined them in the pub and who is comparatively sober, suggests that this is not a good idea and persuades Roy to go home. Hannah can barely put one foot in front of the other and Jazzer helps her. However, she remembers that Natasha might be staying the night and decides that she doesn’t want to go home. So where can she go? “You can share my broom cupboard” says Jazzer and a drunken Hannah replies “I thought you’d never ask!”

Talking to Fallon the next day, Jazzer can’t take his eyes off his phone and an exasperated Fallon asks him what’s wrong? It turns out that, last night, Hannah went spark out the minute her head hit the pillow and Jazzer took her shoes off and he slept on the sofa. Hannah left first thing in the morning and is not taking Jazzer’s calls or texts.

Fallon advises that he cannot keep running after someone who doesn’t want him and that he should be himself. She runs into him outside the pub and he reveals that he has taken Fallon’s advice “I’m back, Fallon - the real Jazzer is back.” Lucky for Hannah that the real Jazzer didn’t return a day earlier, or else he would have removed a lot more clothing than just her shoes and the sofa would undoubtedly have remained unslept upon.

Early in the week, it looked like we were heading for another Archer family rift when Kenton and Lily met to discuss how Kenton could help to find a manager to replace Geraldine at Lower Loxley. Lily almost lets slip about Russ, but Kenton says that Elizabeth told him all about Russ. Lily talks about what a hard time Russ is having and how he cannot work, but a distinctly-unsympathetic Kenton says that Russ is a grown man and surely he can look after himself for a few days?

Lily is very surprised at Kenton’s attitude and becomes positively gobsmacked when Kenton says that Russ got exactly what he deserved for abusing his position of trust. Imagine, then, how Lily felt when her uncle let slip that he was the one who grassed Russ up to the college Principal. She tells Kenton to go, but he says they have to sort out the manager situation. Lily replies that, if he won’t go, then she will. “Now you’re being childish” says Kenton, upon which Lily exits, slamming the door behind her. Well, Kenton, I think it’s fair to say that you could possibly have handled that a bit better and I wouldn’t expect much in the way of Christmas presents from your niece.

Towards the end of the week, Kenton drives Elizabeth to see Freddie in prison, while Lily holds the fort at Lower Loxley. Rex turns up at the stately pile, expecting to pick up a taxi fare, but Lily tells him that the man went off with a colleague (and have you noticed how often that happens to Rex?). The pair start talking and Lily gets increasingly wound up, talking about the troubles she is having with the Deck the Halls stallholders and how they keep asking to deal with Elizabeth or Geraldine. Eventually Lily bursts into tears and Rex says “come here” and gives her a hug. 

Lily gets pricked by a pine needle caught in Rex’s jumper and he says that a customer had a Christmas tree in his cab and there are needles everywhere. “You’re a genius!” Lily exclaims and asks Rex if he would do her a massive favour?

This turns out to be helping her to decorate the family Christmas tree, using traditional, home-made decorations. Lily reminisces about past Christmases and they both agree that the preceding two hours were the best that either of them have enjoyed for some time. Lily says tearfully that it’s nearly eight years since Nigel died and Rex comforts her again.

Elizabeth and Kenton return and Lily is apprehensive when her mother views the tree - has she done the right thing? “It’s beautiful” Lizzie answers and calls Lily a star for all her efforts. “Well done, Lily” adds Kenton. Lily goes to the door (she has ordered a takeaway) and a tired Elizabeth tells Kenton that she is going to bed and would Kenton mind staying a while with Lily? When uncle and niece are alone, Lily receives a text. “I forgot to ring him” she mutters. “Russ?” Kenton asks and, when she replies “yes”, he apologises for the pain he caused her by shopping Russ and he suggests that she calls him now. Phew! Another Archer internecine rift avoided! What’s more, Kenton says he has lined up a replacement for Geraldine, so Lily will be back at Uni in no time.

Finally, we learn that Brian and Jennifer have received a ’reasonable’ offer on the farmhouse and are minded to accept. The buyer is representing a third party, so the question is ‘who?’ If the buyer didn’t view the property, it must presumably be someone who knows it already, so who’s your money on? Could it be Peggy, who‘ll buy it and rent it back to Brian and Jennifer, or should we be looking further afield?