The Curious Incident Of The Llama In The Night

Charlotte Martin (Susan Carter)

On Sunday, Jolene is badly hungover after Fallon’s Hen Night and she tells Shula that she really can’t remember much that happened after 9pm. Suddenly, Jolene’s phone rings - it’s Fallon and she’s in a bit of a state, telling her mother to get over there quickly as “I don’t know what to do.”

The panic is because Constanza, Lynda’s llama, is ensconced in Fallon’s garden and is eating the grass and refusing to move. Harrison turns up and wants to get to cricket, but Jolene and Fallon beg him to help them. Has he any ideas? PCB is reluctant to get involved in what is obviously a drunken prank, but suggests that, if they can get a halter round the beast’s neck, it might persuade it to move. Indeed it does and the girls lead it down to Ambridge Hall. Luckily for them, the Snells are away.

A couple of days later, Jolene is talking to Alice about the llama and Alice denies having anything to do with it. Alice runs into Lynda later and asks if Constanza has recovered from her adventure. A mystified Lynda says that they were away Saturday night and what is Alice talking about? Alice tells her and adds that she has no idea who abducted the llama. Lynda is incensed and says that she will find out - it is a serious offence, she adds, sternly.

True to her word, Lynda seeks out PCB and tells him what happened. Harrison tries to make light of the whole thing, but Lynda sniffs and says that it’s no laughing matter - it was deliberate theft. PCB corrects her, saying that it wasn‘t, as there was no intention to permanently deprive the owner of the object in question. Lynda is not happy and, when PCB describes it as “a daft prank”, she demands that he investigates and, if he doesn’t, she will report the matter to his superiors. PCB is sitting his sergeant’s exam soon, so he doesn’t need the aggro. “Give me a break - I’m getting married on Friday. Tell me you’re joking” he says. Lynda’s response to this is a sniff of stratospheric proportions and PCB realises that he is going to have to get out the deerstalker and magnifying glass and start asking questions.

All is revealed on Harrison and Fallon’s wedding day, when PCB takes Susan to one side and tells her that he knows that it was she who abducted Constanza. At first, Susan denies it, but then asks him how he found out. It was simple, says Harrison, as the entire village was talking about the llama incident; everybody that is except Susan, who kept quiet about it, “even though you have a bit of a reputation as a village gossip.” Indignantly, Susan exclaims “I do not!” and her nose grows another six inches. “Don’t lie to a police officer” PCB says sternly. Susan begs him not to tell Lynda, or she will never hear the end of it. After all, as Susan reminds him, she did come to the rescue over what Jazzer was wearing as Fallon’s bridesman earlier (more details to follow). PCB relents and tells Susan that her secret is safe with him, but heaven only knows what he will tell Lynda.

So, how did Susan save the day? On the morning of the wedding, Jazzer rings up Kirsty, who, along with Jolene, is helping Fallon with her makeup and floral decorations. Can he come up? Kirsty says Fallon isn’t ready yet, but she, Kirsty, will come down and see Jazzer. When she does, she is horrified - Jazzer is wearing his brother’s check suit, which doesn’t quite fit. “It’s the McCreery tartan” Jazzer tells her, proudly, but Kirsty’s response is that he looks like a badly-dressed bookie and he cannot possibly wear that get up, as everyone will be looking at him and not at Fallon, on her special day. “But I haven’t got anything else” says Jazzer and asks if Kirsty is really sure that Fallon wouldn’t like it?

Kirsty is really sure and phones Chris. Susan answers and Kirsty asks if Chris has any clothes that he can lend Jazzer, dragging the walking fashion disaster to her car. Chris has got some clothes, but they don’t quite fit. No problem, says Susan, as she undoes the seam on the back of a waistcoat. “That’s my favourite waistcoat!” cries an anguished Chris, but Susan reassures him that she can stitch it back together later.

This makes the Groom and bridesman a tad late for the wedding and Fallon and Jolene are waiting outside. Harrison tells his bride-to-be that she looks amazing and he’s sorry he’s late. “So, shall we get married then?” he asks. “Yes. Let’s” Fallon replies. Cut to the reception, where Chris’s speech (in which he refers to Harrison dressing up as Ginger Spice) goes down well. Chris then says that the DJ cannot get to them for an hour or so and he hands over to Jazzer, who has been tasked with providing entertainment to fill in the time. There is some trepidation in the bridal party - what has the mad Scotsman got in mind? It turns out that he has got Fallon’s former band back together and she joins them on stage.

Later on, Harrison suggests they go outside for a breather. Fallon tells him that it has been a perfect day and she loved the fact that Jazzer got the band together. Harrison reveals that he has booked a honeymoon (glamping in Cornwall and not at Spiritual Home, he assures her) as he wants to be alone with her. They both profess their love for each other and the week ends with the sound of a passionate kiss.

The fact that the DJ was late was due to the fact that he was a replacement for first choice Freddie Pargetter - it was deemed not a good idea to have Freddie after PCB had arrested him for dealing drugs. Freddie seeks out Johnny - the police have confiscated Freddie’s phone and Elizabeth got him another. He had been messaging Johnny; had he got the messages? Johnny says yes, he got them, but he didn’t reply.

Freddie tells Johnny that he realises that Johnny is angry about what’s happened, but, if Freddie is just given a fine when he appears at the Magistrates’ Court, the boys’ South Africa trip could still be a goer. Johnny is incredulous - it isn’t the trip that’s worrying him. How clueless can Freddie get? Freddie reminds Johnny that he was happy enough to take Ecstasy at the Isle of Wight festival, but Johnny says that was different - buying a few pills for personal use is very different from dealing. Also, Freddie lied to Johnny about Ellis being involved and Johnny was injured when Ellis threw a brick through their window. “Come on mate -” Freddie begins, but Johnny interrupts him with “I’m not your mate - not any more.” Freddie says he had hoped that Johnny would come along to Court on Thursday, but Johnny curtly replies that Freddie is on his own.

Thursday arrives and Elizabeth drives Freddie to Court. Freddie is pleased because he passed two A-levels, with a D and an E. He never expected two passes and is convinced that it is a good omen for the court appearance. He looks for Johnny in vain, but is pleased when Lily turns up. Elizabeth is pleased and relieved, as Lily hasn’t answered her calls and messages. Lily makes it plain that she is not there because she has forgiven her twin, but just because he is her brother and her tone is far from cordial.

Freddie’s prediction of a favourable outcome proved wide of the mark when his case is referred to the Crown Court in September. He is feeling very sorry for himself and bemoans the fact that this means “six more weeks at auntie Shula’s”. “And then very probably a jail sentence” Lily adds. “Don’t say that” an anguished Freddie begs. “Well, that’s what happens when you behave like a prat” says Lily, unsympathetically. Lizzie sends Freddie off to thank Usha for her efforts and he goes, moaning that she could have tried harder. Lizzie talks to Lily, saying that Freddie would never be able to cope with prison and what will he do for the future? Lily points out that he will inherit Lower Loxley and, when Lizzie says that they will have to support him, Lily explodes. “Unbelievable!” she exclaims and starts walking home. Liz says they have got to talk about Freddie’s future. “What about myfuture?” Lily asks. “2 grade ‘A’s and 1 A* in my A-level results - thanks for asking” she says, bitterly, as she continues to walk away from her mother.

Elizabeth has had better weeks - business continues to be hit by the ban on selling alcohol and customers are either cancelling, or demanding compensation. Kenton has an idea - why doesn’t he put his name to the Lower Loxley licence. Could this be the answer to Elizabeth’s prayers? Nope, as the licence is still suspended and now Kenton feels bad, because he gave his sister false hope.

At Brookfield, David has to call in Alistair to treat a cow with a torn udder. Jill makes a point of seeking out Alistair and she gives him a piece of her mind - she has heard about his gambling problem and is angry with him and with herself for blaming Shula for the breakdown of the marriage. But now she realises that it was he who was responsible and she hopes he feels ashamed of himself. Alistair has had enough and says “What I feel or don’t feel is really none of your business any more, Jill.”

But it’s not all bad news for the Vet - he is a bit fed up because he is sharing the box room at Jim’s with his father’s piano and things are cramped, to say the least. Jazzer pays Alistair a visit and says that Jim has told him to apologise to Alistair for leading him back into gambling. Jazzer didn’t realise the severity of Alistair’s addiction and he is genuinely contrite - so much so that, when Alistair gets back from Brookfield, he finds that Jazzer has swapped rooms with him, saying that Alistair’s need for space is greater than his. Alistair is touched and becomes quite tearful - he’s not used to people being kind to him and he invites Jazzer to The Bull later to buy him a pint.

Pip and Toby take Rosie to have her birth registered and Toby is troubled, recalling what his father said about his new granddaughter’s name. Toby raises the point with Pip but she is adamant that Rosie is going to be an Archer, not a Fairbrother. Toby accepts this, saying that that was not what he meant, but Rosie comes from Rose, which is Pip’s middle name and Ruth is Pip’s mother’s name. There is no name from Toby’s side of the family. “What about Grace?” Toby asks, saying that it is a traditional Fairbrother name, going back to the 17^thcentury. Pip says “no way - Gran would have a fit” and fills him in on what Jill thought of Grace, Phil’s first wife and how she (Jill) felt threatened by Grace’s memory even after her death. However, as the couple go into the Registrar’s office, Pip has had a change of heart and tells Toby “OK; Rosie Ruth Grace Archer it is - just don’t tell Gran.” I can’t help feeling that, if Rosie is christened (or otherwise named), unless Alan mumbles, the cat is going to be well and truly out of the bag and Jill will be one very unhappy Great Grandmother indeed.