Out Of The Mouths Of Babes - Well, 17 Year-Olds

Mogali Masuku (Noluthando Madikane)

Last week kicked off with New Year’s Eve and Kate was trying on Noluthando’s eyeshadow, while Nolly frantically tried to put her mother off going down The Bull to celebrate. “There’ll be lots of people from college there,” says Nolly, but this is unlikely to discourage Kate, who is 40, going on 17. When Nolly realises that she is wasting her time, she says, resignedly “OK, but please don’t embarrass me.” Kate is amazed “How could I possibly embarrass you?” she asks. One assumes that the only reason Noluthando didn’t reply to this is that she wants to get to the pub before Easter.

At the pub, mother and daughter have a difference of opinion, as Noluthando’s 17^th birthday is approaching and she wants a sophisticated party at Home Farm. Kate pooh-poohs this and tells Noluthando that she can do better than that and Kate can arrange a night do at Spiritual Home, complete with fire pit - something that Noluthando will remember for the rest of her life; especially when she wakes up screaming at 3am, no doubt. Kate then says she cannot resist the music beat and gets up to do some ‘embarrassing mum’ dancing, while Noluthando looks for a corner in which to curl up and hide, or, possibly, die.

The discussion about the party continues after Noluthando has escaped to the Ladies’ and Kate still bangs on about yurts and why would Noluthando want a boring party? Noluthando starts to get stroppy and says that’s what she wants, just like she wanted an ordinary mother. Kate can’t get her head round this and says that “in years to come, you’ll be glad that I’m not ordinary.” Noluthando’s response to this suggests otherwise: “You’re deluded, self-obsessed and haven’t the faintest interest in who I am” she tells her mother, before walking out.

It was an evening for walking out, as Alice notices that Pip isn’t drinking alcohol and offers to get her a non-alcoholic cocktail. It turns out that this contains vodka and probably other alcoholic drinks and Pip throws a real wobbly and storms out of the pub, followed by Alice. Alice cannot understand Pip’s reaction and says “What’s the big deal? It’s not as if you’re pregnant or anything - oh! You are pregnant!” There is a noise in the undergrowth and Pip tells Alice to mind her own business.

We have said in the past that Alice shouldn’t really be allowed to drink and that she tends to wedge her foot in her gob and, sure enough, the following day, she does it again. She is sitting on the bank of the Am, where people are getting ready for a New Year’s dip in the river (why, for God’s sake?) and she moans to Ed about Pip’s reaction the previous night. “Obviously I’d never had done it if I had known she was pr -” she tells him. Ed fastens on to this and says “She’s not pregnant, is she?” Well done, Sherlock. There is speculation about the identity of the father and, in the pub later, Ed, who hasn’t realised that the news isn’t common knowledge, lets slip to Nic about the pregnancy. Well done Alice - yesterday only Pip, Toby and Elizabeth knew about the pregnancy, and now, thanks to you, that number has doubled (if you include the figure in the undergrowth). And this is after Alice told Ed that her NY resolution is “to stop putting my foot in it.” Well, that didn‘t take too long to go tits up, did it?

Meanwhile, back at Home Farm, Kate is sulking in her bedroom and Jennifer comes to see what’s wrong - Noluthando has told her what happened on NYE. When Kate repeats the ‘deluded, self-obsessed etc’ accusation, Jennifer chuckles and says that Kate and Noluthando are similar - both independent spirits. Kate is in full self-pitying mode and says that Nolly doesn’t care how much she hurts her mother, to which Jen says that, as the adult (ha!) it’s up to Kate to fix things. Kate ponders this and, later, she tells Jennifer that she is right; she has to reach out to Noluthando. “We’re both our own people - she has to see me for who I am” Kate tells Jen. You have to ask, is that really a good idea?

Kate asks Noluthando to help her at Spiritual Home and tells her that she wants to get to know her as a person. In a sentence that is patently true and a breathtaking example of understatement, Kate says “Look, I know I’m not perfect…” Noluthando (and five million listeners) did not contradict her. Kate has to leave, and she leaves Noluthando in charge of Spiritual Home. Lynda turns up, having booked an appointment (which Kate has forgotten about) for a treatment. Lynda is worried, as she feels that the character of Carabosse has taken her over and she wants to be cleansed.

Noluthando offers to carry out a Xhosa spiritual cleansing, using herbs and incantations taught to her by her tribe. Lynda agrees and it seems to be effective, as she says that she feels free of Carabosse’s influence - so much so, that as we learn next day, she has recommended it to her friends. Kate is impressed that her daughter “has embraced Spiritual Home” but she is nonplussed, as she cannot find any details on the Internet and will Noluthando teach her the finer details of Xhosa Steam Therapy, as that would give Spiritual Home the edge over competitors? This conversation takes place over coffee and cake and we hear Noluthando choking as her mother speaks. Eventually, Noluthando reveals that she made it all up; she just threw aromatherapy oils in a basin and did a bit of chanting and Lynda swallowed it (metaphorically).

Instead of laughing about it and saying ‘that’s a great idea - and a good profit earner’ Kate takes umbrage and says that Noluthando “could have endangered Lynda’s spiritual well-being.” Noluthando’s response to this is that, as Lynda believed it, it just goes to show what a load of baloney the Spiritual Home concept is. The conversation gets heated and ends up with Noluthando telling her mother a few home truths - has she any idea how rejected she (Noluthando) felt when Kate left South Africa four years (has she only been back four years - it seems longer?) ago. Kate protests that she loves her children, but Noluthando is in full flow, telling Kate that no, she was actually in love with the idea of having a right-on, mixed race family. Well done, Kate: a great example of reaching out, as Noluthando storms out to go home.

Noluthando must have been on overtime last week, as she was also involved in another major story concerning Freddie. She sees him at college and is surprised, as he’s supposed to be dropping out. Where better to do it? he asks, as all his friends are there. It turns out that he is selling Ecstasy pills and Noluthando has a real go at him. Freddie, who has been moaning that Elizabeth gets the photos of Nigel out every NYE, cannot see the difference between dealing E and selling magic mushrooms. He also says that he was selling the pills as a one-off favour for Ellis. Noluthando makes him promise that this will be the last time and he eventually agrees. However, as Noluthando goes off with Kate for coffee and cakes, Freddie rings Ellis and says “You know that supply deal? I want in.” When it comes to common sense, Freddie is truly his father’s son.

Elsewhere, Ian is brooding over something Lexi said when she, he and Adam were getting out of their heads on whisky the Friday before Christmas. Apparently, she said that, ‘in a parallel universe’ she would be the boys’ surrogate and Ian has taken this to heart, Adam says that they were all drunk and please don’t mention it to Lexi. So Ian mentions it to Lexi, who is embarrassed, as she cannot recall what was said. Ian is, in his turn, embarrassed, as he shouldn’t have mentioned it. Too right Ian! Especially as he had been talking to Roy earlier, who had said that he has never felt like anybody the way he feels about Lexi since he first met Hayley and he and her are trying to synchronise days off, flights to Bulgaria etc. You might have thought that, having been told by Roy that Lexi is his soul mate, Ian might have a bit of trouble explaining that Lexi is willing to have a child for him and Adam. Lexi told Roy (shortly before they agreed that it was a crazy idea) that she knows what it would mean for Ian and Adam. I can’t help thinking that Roy might not be quite so generous

And now, with heavy heart, we return to Pip’s pregnancy. We have learned that the news is seeping out and even Jennifer asks Rooooth if Pip has a boyfriend? Rooooth says no and, when asked why did Jen ask, she replies that she has heard some rumours, but it’s obviously rubbish.

Jolene is talking to Fallon in the pub and Fallon mentions Pip’s pregnancy. Jolene tells her sharply not to spread rumours and then she seeks out Pip for a chat. Jolene reveals that she was the person in the undergrowth (in paragraph four - keep up, but we don‘t know what she was doing) and that Fallon, Nic and Emma know about the baby and doesn’t Pip think that she should tell her parents, before they find out from someone else? “You need to tell them before it’s too late” Jolene tells her, adding that she (Jolene) was a single mother, but Fallon is the best thing that ever happened to her. The parallels don’t end there, as Fallon’s father was Wayne, and Pip has been impregnated by Toby - it’s difficult to know who to feel sorriest for.

Pip takes Jolene’s advice to heart, and invites David and Rooooth to Rickyard for a chilli dinner. Rooooth is suspicious and, on the night, she and David take a bottle of wine, which Pip refuses to drink. Rooooth remarks to David that Pip didn’t drink over Christmas either. David presumably thinks ‘all the more for me’ and the meal goes ahead. Pip brings the conversation around to when Rooooth was 25 and managed to combine work with a child and David burbles on about how Pip just needs to find the right man. Rooooth, however, has cottoned on and tells David “will you just listen?” David carries on reminiscing about what it was like when Pip was born and Rooooth finally yells “David, for God’s sake just shut up and hear what she’s trying to tell us!”

The penny eventually drops and talk turns to who is the father? Alfie is suggested and denied, so who could it be? Come on, have a guess! As Pip talks, David finally sees the light, as he moans “no, no, no, no!” and angrily shouts “Anyone but him! Not Toby Fairbrother!” And a Happy New Year to everyone at Brookfield - it promises to be an interesting one.