Sunday, 2 December 2012

Brotherly Love

Kim Durham (Matt Crawford)

Last week we had Rhys and Fallon making the beast with two backs and this week Lilian and Paul finally consummated their relationship. It was a short step from Lilian telling Paul that Matt doesn't understand her to her saying "let's go up to your room." These shy, retiring country maidens; so pure, so chaste - so easily caught.

How was it for Lilian? "Oh Paul, that was wonderful," she said, adding that she'd like to see him again soon, and for longer. Sadly, it is soon time for her to go and, when Paul asks whether she really has to, Lilian said "Well, I don't suppose another half hour will make much difference" and gave her particularly dirty-sounding laugh. Whatever happened to remorse and pangs of conscience?

Eventually Lilian left Paul and went back home to Matt, Paul's brother. A little belatedly, perhaps, Matt seems to have realised that his behaviour has not been of the best recently and he is gamely trying to make amends, cooking a meal and opening a bottle of claret. "Things are going to be different now," he says, "Shall we drink to the future of the team?" Fortunately, he is unaware that half of the team has been playing away and there is a comic moment when he says to Lilian: "Sit down – you've had an exhausting day." I should say so!

Fallon seems surprised when Neil knows about her and Rhys – Susan spotted her leaving his flat early in the morning. "I might as well put my diary on the Ambridge village website," says Fallon. Good job she doesn't know about the webcam in Rhys's bedroom. Honestly, what does she expect? This is Ambridge and the only way she could keep it a secret is to black her face over, wear a full Burka and sneak out at 4am, brushing away her footprints as she goes. As it is, if Susan knows, then everybody will know within seconds.

There was a solution of sorts to the on-going story of Ed and Emma's poverty when Susan invites Emma and the family to come and live with her and Neil at Ambridge View. Ed is reluctant, telling Emma that it feels like he is a failure and cannot provide for his family. Emma tells Susan that Ed "wants us to get through this on our own" but if you ask me, Ed just doesn't want to live in the same house as Susan – and I cannot find it in my heart to blame him, to be honest.

However, when your luck is out, it's really out and Ed eventually has to bite the bullet and agree to move in with the in-laws. Ed and Emma hand in their notice to landlord David and there are noises of regret all round. Ed tells Emma "we will get our own place again." Does renting count as 'your own place'? David said "You've been great neighbours". Too right – not many tenants would be willing to fight a fire in a blazing barn in the early hours of the morning; where does it mention that in the tenancy agreement?

As so often happens in Ambridge, person A finds out something that has happened because person B tells them, thinking that they already know. This week Eddie was person A, David person B and the fact was that Ed and Emma are moving into Ambridge View. Eddie immediately goes round to Rickyard and says "what's this I hear about you not being able to afford the rent?" Well done Eddie – you get there in the end. Eddie also says (to Emma) "Why didn't you say something to me and Clarrie?" and "Are things really that bad?" Of course they are, you fool – why do you think they are dressed in rags and thinking of eating George?

Eddie also tells Emma to tell Ed that "we're here for both of you and if there's anything we can do to help, you know where we are." While sounding very noble, this has to be one of the most useless offers of help ever made – I put it to you that, if Ed says to Eddie "can you lend us five grand, Dad?" the answer will be disappointing. Five pence, yes and there's the possibility Eddie could maybe rustle up a fiver, if pushed, but I suspect that any support provided will be of the moral sort, rather than practical or financial.

David and Rooooth's Hereford Wiggo came second to a superb Angus beast at the stock show. However, David isn't too despondent, as he got a good price for Wiggo at auction, although it seems a tad harsh on Wiggo – just because you don't win, you get sent for auction and, presumably, slaughter. Unless Wiggo was bought by Vicky, of course.

Finally this week, we had Jazzer drinking in the Bull, where Mr. Sensitivity Bert Fry remarks that Rhys doesn't appear to be working tonight. Jazzer sends him off to get some pork scratchings (this man is never very far away from some part of a pig) and Hayley turns up. Jazzer looks so morose that she asks what's up? With a sigh of which Jamie would have been proud, he tells Hayley that he's upset about Rhys and Fallon, adding: "He'd better treat her right, that's all, or he'll be answerable to me." Now, that would be an interesting episode – with Rhys's Welsh accent and Jazzer's virtually incomprehensible Glasgow patois, I suggest that at least one translator would be required if the lads were to communicate effectively.

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