Monday, 28 May 2012

Aversion Therapy Required

I've always thought that Nic seems a really nice girl – a bit dense, maybe (she is married to William, so the prosecution rests m'lud) but things are rapidly getting out of hand and she obviously needs a course of aversion therapy – fast.


Why so? On Wednesday she was coming over all broody and couldn't bring herself to give away Mia's old clothes. We all listened with mounting alarm, as it was obvious where this storyline was going and it unfolded like a slow-motion car crash. Sure enough, when Will returned home, Nic said "I want you and me to have a baby together." Five million listeners screamed "no!" but it was too late, as a delighted Will immediately grabbed her (she didn't say anything about starting right away, Will). "Just one, Will" said Nic, which will make it interesting if she ends up expecting twins, to which he replied "Just one will be perfect".


Ha! With Grundy genes, the one certainty is that 'perfect' is just what it won't be. And what has brought on this sudden desire to breed? Before Nic told him of her unnatural craving, Will was moaning because she hadn't taken the old clothes to the charity shop. "We need the space" he said, in his nasally-whining voice. Suddenly, he's all for another baby – I submit that a baby will take up a damn sight more space than a bag of clothes.


And what of Nic? Not so long ago, when Will was getting all broody, she (along with most of us) was practically retching at the thought. Talk about a U-turn! I reckon Will has been slipping hormones into her coffee. But it's not too late – just stand still Nic, while we attach these electrodes to your nipples; it's for your own good (and ours). We can make you normal again; trust me.


Up at Bridge Farm, Pat and Tony are waxing philosophical about the future. Pat tells Tony that they should give Tom and Helen their head and let them take decisions about the direction that the farm needs to take. If not, Pat is afraid that Tom might leave the family business. Gosh, how we'd all hate that, especially if he left the series.


In the end, Tony accepts that the future lies with his children and he suggests getting a relief milker in to take some of the pressure off Tom, who is pathetically grateful when told. Tony and Pat will be taking things easier in future. Good idea – and why not travel a bit? Australia's nice. And you could save on costs by buying only a one-way ticket.


If they do slope off to Australia (and there's no suggestion that they will, but I can dream, can't I?) may I suggest that they take Amy with them? She used to be a nice, level-headed, pleasant girl but since being dumped by Carl, she has turned into a whining, surly cow. Yes, Usha should have told you he was married, Amy, but it's your fault, not hers – as a vicar's daughter, surely you shouldn't have been shagging him anyway?


Someone who remains nice is Elona, although she cannot come to terms with the fact that hubby Darrell is being paid cash in hand by Matt. Darrell points out that, with his criminal record, he's lucky to have any work at all. Nevertheless, Elona persuades him to ask Matt to go on the payroll proper. Matt says he'll think about it, but when Darrell has gone, Matt proves that criminal – if not great – minds think alike when he tells Lilian that, with his criminal record, Darrell's lucky to have any work at all. Lilian, however, is worried that if they upset Elona, then they will face Peggy's wrath. "We haven't finished this conversation" she warns Matt.


Someone who appeared nice, but obviously has an inner core of steel is Iftikar who, at the cricket coaching session, berates the individual players, after yet another thrashing. Can he instil some team spirit before this week's grudge match with Darrington? Will Rhys learn which way up to hold the bat? Do we care?


At Brookfield, the slurry tank is christened – thankfully without one of Bert Fry's poems – and the tension is slowly building as the programme of intimidation to make David refuse to be a witness at the trial of Adam's attackers continues.


After last week's threatening call, the Brookfield phone is switched to answerphone. Despite this, when the phone rings one day, Ben answers it, but is clubbed to the ground by his hysterical mother, who shouts "Who is this?" down the line. It turns out that it was a very surprised Oliver, who was on his way to help with the silaging. Later on in the week, Ruth and David discuss the situation. "I don't think the children have noticed anything wrong" says David, thus confirming that they are even thicker than I thought.


Other weird happenings – a gate was found open and, having left his tractor for a few minutes, David returned to find a folded-up newspaper on the seat, open at the story of Adam's attack. The security lights aren't working and it looks like they have been attacked with an airgun. "Local kids" says David, as Ruth demands he get the police in. Then the phone rings and a voice says "You'll have to take more care – your security lights; not so secure now, are they? It's getting darker, isn't it?" Watch your back, David.

Sent from my iPhone

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