Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Don't Give Up The Day Job, Alistair

Michael Lumsden (Alistair Lloyd)
Everyone is worried about David – he is moping around and everything is just too much for him. It's only a matter of time before people start calling him Jamie. Shula suggests to Ruth that he needs counselling. "He'd run a mile" says Ruth, who didn't really help by harping on to David about him not recalibrating the plate meter or whatever. Shula talks to David about the reduced milk yield (you hadn't forgotten, I hope?) and he tells her that "it's just bad management", while donning a hair shirt and thrashing himself with nettles

Yes, David is clearly in need of professional help, so the girls bring in a professional to talk to him – brother-in-law Alistair. Sadly, Alistair is a vet, not a psychiatrist - and it shows. When David tells him that he wants to leave the cricket team, Alistair suggests to David that he must be feeling very isolated, psychologically. "All our recent problems have been down to me" says a despondent David. A wonderful job of cheering him up there, Alistair, but at least you didn't stick your hand up his bum.

Meanwhile, over in Monte Carlo, Jolene waxes lyrical about the shower in the hotel bathroom and says she will have one to freshen up. Kenton thinks this is a good idea, but sadly he keeps tripping over his tongue and is disappointed when Jolene sends him down to the lobby to retrieve a magazine. Anyway, they seem to have a good time and Kenton even ended up in pocket, after winning at the Casino.

This week's "you could have knocked me down with a feather" moment came when James Bellamy visited Lilian (or 'Ma', as he calls her, which is nearly as bad as Nigel's 'Mummy') and Leonie (sister of Flat Leaf Parsley) came to stay with her father Robert and stepmother Lynda Snell. It transpired that James has a new girlfriend and Leonie has a new boyfriend (whom she refers to as 'Jay'). Amazingly, both partners are in Borsetshire and available to join the families for lunch. The Snells go to the Bull, where they see Matt, Lilian and Leonie and – you're never going to believe this – it turns out that Leonie and James are an item! Bugger me and hold the front page – I never saw that one coming. Hardly.

Leonie fends off Lynda's unsubtle attempts to find out her future plans by saying they have no plans to play house yet or start a family. "What is it about having a baby that turns parents from rational people into drooling idiots?" she asks, forgetting that Lynda went potty over young Oscar when Flat Leaf Parsley stayed at Ambridge Hall. As to answering Leonie's question, that sounds like one for Helen or Ed.

A storyline that had me reaching for the sickbag was the less-than-romantic suggestion from Will to Nic; "How do you feel about us having a baby?" he asked her. The horror in Nic's voice was evident as she said "I don't know what to say" (personally, I think "piss off" would have been favourite) and tells Will that the suggestion has come out of the blue. "I've been thinking about it for ages" Will replies, as I quietly passed Nic my sickbag. It's bad enough that Will has already polluted the gene pool and he shouldn't be allowed to breed again, surely?

Many people seemed keen to speak to Jamie – Kathy told him she misses him and, if he comes home, then when his exams are finished, he can do what he likes – leave school, become a drug dealer, stay in bed 24/7; the world is your oyster Jamie. Kenton's approach on the other hand is more direct – he confronts Jamie in his room at the Bull and tells him (although not in so many words) that he is a moody, parasitic, ungrateful little ratbag who should sod off back home double quick as Jolene and everyone else is getting cheesed off with the situation.

This tough love seems to have the desired effect, as Jamie turns up at Kathy's, magnanimously telling her that he has come home to stay. "Welcome home love" says Kathy. I know Jamie isn't a baby (at least not age-wise) but what was it Leone said about parents and drooling idiots?

Of course, this was the week of the Royal Wedding and the Bull was packed as people came to watch it on TV. Earlier in the week, Jolene was putting up bunting in the bar and told Kenton that they need some flags for outside the pub. There was a great opportunity here to help David over his depression – all it needed was for Kenton to say "Hey, Dave, do me a favour and help me fix these flags up on the roof, will you?"

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