Alistair Detects A Spark In Shula’s Demeanour

Judy Bennett (Shula Hebden Lloyd)

At the beginning of the week, we learn that Shula is one year into her Ordination course and it has involved a lot of reading and writing. She tells Alice (who has come to see her horse Banjo) that at times, she is just grateful to be around horses at the Stables. There is a slightly awkward moment when Alice asks if she can take Banjo out? Shula says that it is up to Alice, but she must promise 1. That Banjo will be totally safe in her care, and 2. That Alice has not been drinking today. In the end, Alice decides that it is enough just to groom Banjo and talk to him.

But what’s all this about a spark? I hear you ask. Patience, dear reader; we will get to that, although we listeners had to wait until Thursday. Meanwhile, Neil is getting earache from Susan, who is getting a bit ratty because of lack of sleep due to night feeds for Martha. Susan is also stressing because she and Neil haven’t spent a lot of time with their other grandchildren. So it is that we see Neil out for a walk with Martha, and he drops into the Stables to talk over an idea with Shula – how about riding lessons for Keira?

Shula thinks it would be a good idea, and suggests that they let Keira try it out to see if she likes it. Not only that, but Shula would like to help, so the first lesson or two would be on the house. Neil protests that this isn’t why he asked and so he and Shula arrive at a compromise – she will provide a free lesson or two and Neil will tidy up her garden, which it apparently needs. This atmosphere of amiability is broken by Susan, frantically squawking on the phone to her husband – where is he? Doesn’t he remember that Susan is supposed to be taking Martha to the Aldridges to see Jenny? No he doesn’t, is the short answer, so that’s another couple of Brownie Points gone west.

However, a riding lesson is arranged for Keira later in the week and Neil turns up at the Stables, saying that he might as well get started on the gardening, which he does. Shula is concerned about the weather forecast, but Neil is optimistic – wrongly so, as it turns out, as the rain descends in Biblical proportions and he and Shula are soaked to the skin. She suggests they get inside before one of them drowns, and this they do. As luck would have it, Alistair turns up, just in time to see Neil coming down the stairs, clad in one of Dan’s old tracksuits – a Harry Potter one, to be accurate. It doesn’t fit very well, which is reassuring, as Dan is an officer in the Tank Regiment and I cannot help thinking that him having such attire to wear around barracks would do sod-all for his street cred in the Regiment, nor would it command the respect of the men under his command, I venture to suggest.

By the way, if you are concerned about Keira during this downpour, then don’t be; they threw her in the Am just before it began, so she couldn’t get any wetter. Sorry, that’s a complete fabrication – her lesson was taking place in the indoor school, so she was bone dry throughout. Mind you, I prefer my version of events.

But back to the Shula, Neil, Alistair scenario. Remember, Alistair has seen Neil coming downstairs, looking like an aged and podgy Harry Potter, and Shula starts an uncontrollable fit of the giggles – in fact, she laughs her head off. Alistair offers Neil some old clothes that he has at the office, and Neil accepts gratefully, dons said clothes and goes to collect Keira and take her home.

Shula is still doing her impression of the Laughing Policeman and tells Alistair that she hasn’t laughed like that for years; “The neighbours will think I’m having an affair!” she jokes. And not just the neighbours, it seems, as Alistair is silent. Shula picks up on this and says the very idea is preposterous. “Is it?” he asks, and points out that Neil and Shula do have some history, back in the day. More than that; he has seldom seen her so happy recently and he thinks he might have glimpsed a spark of happiness – of radiance, even, plus she was a little bit flirty, he adds, and you know how easily gossip can start. Yes – just tell Susan.

Shula rubbishes the very idea and says that she and Neil are just good friends and, if she didn’t know better, she would say that her ex-husband was jealous. “You couldn’t be more wrong” she tells Alistair. Come on Alistair; Shula is halfway to becoming a priest, and I’m pretty sure that committing adultery – even with some poor sod married to Susan – would be frowned upon by the church authorities, so stop this silly storyline now, please, scriptwriters.

Elsewhere, Eddie’s scheme to offer people lifts in the limo (free of charge, although if you force it on him, he will accept a tip, or a contribution towards running costs – then he might unlock the doors and let you out) seems to be a nice little earner. Jill gave him £20 when he took her and Leonard to The Bull. £20! If you are talking about one end of Ambridge from the other, it cannot be more than two or three miles, tops, surely? No wonder that Clarrie (and here is an excellent example of the triumph of hope over experience) says that she thinks he might be on to something this time, and she has dug out Joe’s old driving gloves, which he wore when he took Bartleby out in the trap – and whatever happened to Bartleby and Gem, I wonder? To cap it all (and yes, I am making a pun) she has found a chauffer’s hat.

We had a clash of two mighty intellects, when Rex and Eddie met up when Rex had been shopping. Eddie says that Rex should organise himself better and have just one weekly shopping trip “like Peggy Woolley does”. Rex corrects him “did, you mean” and goes on to explain that he always used to take Peggy to Underwoods once a week, but this week she rang him and said he wouldn’t be needed. Rex then notices that Eddie is wearing a suit and tie, and is he going on somewhere? Eddie replies that he is taking Lynda out for a ride in his limo, as a ‘thank you’ for organising the Fete, yet again. He’s then taking her to the Tea Room for cake and coffee. Rex doesn’t notice anything suspicious about this.

There’s a bit of backstory needed here, as Eddie rang Lynda earlier, ostensibly to congratulate her on doing the Fete again. Lynda says that you’d think it would organise itself by now, but once again she has to shoulder the burden. “It needs a concept; an inspiring vision to give it shape,” she tells him, adding that “years of doing it have left my inspirational cupboard somewhat bare.” Tell you what Lynda, why not make this year’s theme ‘Pretentious Claptrap’? Eddie however has an idea – what she needs is a break, and what better than a ride in a limo? Lynda is persuaded and says that she would really like to be driven to Darrington.

Fast forward to 4.45 pm and Rex is at the Tea Room, talking to Lynda. Lynda relates her trip to Darrington, where she instructed Eddie to drive slowly past Evangeline Lowminster’s (the organiser of Darrington’s Mystery Plays) house and hoot his horn. Evangeline emerged, just as Lynda gave her a regal wave, then turned and bolted indoors. In a voice dripping with smugness, Lynda told Rex how much she enjoyed it.

It would appear that Rex’s mental gears have been engaged, but, like the Mills of God, they grind exceeding slowly. Rex has put together the limo, the lack of customers for his taxi, and Eddie’s smart attire and realised that Eddie has been poaching his customers. Just then, Eddie returns and Rex confronts him – he has been poaching Rex’s regular customers, and the more work that Eddie gets, the less there is for Rex. Eddie protests that he offers the service for free, but if people want to give him a tip, or expenses, who is he to refuse? In response, Rex says that he’s pretty sure it’s not legal (ask him if he declares it as earned income to HMRC, Rex) and Lynda steps in as peacemaker – how would it be if Eddie continued offering his ‘free service’ (my inverted commas) to the village, but agreed not to poach Rex’s regular customers? There is much grumbling from both sides, but they agree. Rex says “But I’m warning you Eddie – I’ll be watching you.”

The main story of the week involved Adam. On the eve of his birthday, he invites Lee round for a few beers. Ian is at home and, when Lee asks Adam how did he get on with clearing the air with Brian, Adam begs him to keep his voice down, as Ian knows nothing about the row between Adam and Brian – and that’s the way Adam would like it to stay for now.

Ian wants to sound the other two out about an idea he has had – supplying mobile artisan food. I must admit I had the vision of a sort of upmarket fish and chip van. Adam is appalled at Ian’s timing and asks where would they get the money from? Ian replies that he is sure that they could find enough for a van, but only Adam knows that they couldn’t afford a bicycle with a box on the back, never mind a van. Ian appeals to Lee – what does he think? This puts Lee on the spot, and, to Ian’s disgust, he sides with Adam. Ian warns that he won’t give up on his idea.

The next day, at Home Farm, Brian tells Adam that he’s got to go to Ambridge View to take Chris’s birthday present and it quickly becomes obvious that Brian has totally forgotten that it’s Adam’s birthday too. He only finds out when Brian asks why is there a cake on his desk? “It’s from mum for my birthday” Adam replies and, to his credit, Brian is mortified and apologises, blaming the stress of the Alice situation. The two of them start talking about the current situation at Home Farm and it soon deteriorates into the usual slanging match, which ends when Adam says perhaps what he needs is a fresh start. Brian says fine, but can Adam at least stay until harvest is over? They agree not to tell the family just yet – a wise decision, I reckon, as if Jenny thought Adam was leaving, she would go totally Orang Utan poo and Brian’s life would be made hell.

Adam decides to put out a few feelers (well, one actually) and he asks Justin what would happen if a rival farmer bid for the BL contract? Justin replies that they would have to consider it, but it would be a foolish farmer that tried to undercut Brian. “Your stepfather has a well-deserved reputation for ruthlessness” he explains, and goes on to say that Brian could make things very difficult for a potential rival. Justin is well aware what Adam is getting at and offers some advice; he thinks that if a hypothetical farmer wanted to go his own way, it would be so much better to make a completely fresh start and not just do a different version of the same thing time after time. Adam thanks him for being so helpful. 

There’s your answer Adam – a completely fresh start is what’s needed, so forget farming and forget Home Farm. As it happens, I might know of a chef who could be looking for a delivery driver for his newly-created artisan food delivery venture…

And Don’t Call Them ‘Dollies’, Joy

Jackie Lye (Joy Horville)

Over at Beechwood, Joy is babysitting while Helen and Lee take in a drive-in movie at Lower Loxley. As well as the film, one of the attractions is ‘woodland raised pulled pork’ on the Orangery menu, which both agree is delicious. Just hang on a minute here – ‘woodland raised’? – the pigs have only been at Lower Loxley for about a fortnight, during which time they have been slaughtered and butchered; I respectfully submit that there are punters who attended an evening at ‘Deck the Halls’ who have spent more time at Lower Loxley than Rex’s pigs. 

But never mind. Helen phones Joy to see how she is coping, and she says that the boys are having the time of their lives – Jack found some figures in a cupboard upstairs and the boys have had a great time, making up stories and playing with the dollies. Helen is horrified – the so-called ‘dollies’ are part of Lee’s collection of Marvel heroes, lovingly collected over many years and kept in pristine condition. Indeed, as we learn later, some of them have never been taken out of their boxes.

Well, they have now, and some of the boxes are worse for wear, so eager were the boys to get their hands on the figures. Joy suggests that Helen trawls the Internet, to see if she can replace the boxes. She does so, but is appalled to be quoted a price in excess of US$ 200 for one figure – as she points out to Joy, that particular figure they have is perfectly intact, and she is not going to pay $200 for a cardboard box.

It’s time to ‘fess up to Lee and the two women do it together. He is less than happy and it is now that we learn that some of the figures have never been removed from their boxes, when Lee remarks that Wolverine’s claws are soft plastic, and not the hard plastic that he had imagined. Helen points out that this is probably so as not to hurt the children who play with them. Lee is almost in a state of shock, and is not comforted when Joy tells him that “it’s only the boxes – the dollies are all OK.”

When Joy tells him how happy the boys were, playing with the figures, Lee (still holding Wolverine) realises that the figures were designed to be played with and says that “these things happen” and perhaps he can let Jack and Henry have access to some of the less-valuable figures. Lee ls obviously one of those people you see occasionally on programmes like Antiques Roadshow, who still have their boyhood toys in their original boxes. ‘Lucky them’ I always think, as, when I was younger, if a cousin – or an acquaintance – came to our house, and my toys were visible, my mother would see them playing with them, say to me ‘you don’t play with that very often, do you?’ and let them take my Sunbeam Alpine home.

Still, I’m not bitter (well, actually I am, but there is nothing to be done about it more than half a century later, so we’ll move on). Joy featured prominently last week, as Fallon recommended her to Lynda for the Fete committee. Lynda arranged for Joy to call round “for an interview” and was put out when Joy said “it’s hardly like running the Bank of England, is it?” Lynda’s sniff made it plain that she considers organising the Fete as much more complicated and definitely much more important.

However, Lynda might have met her match in Joy, as Joy relates how she started up a majorette troupe for her daughter and raised funds to provide batons, costumes and the like and, when these were stolen, Joy started from scratch and did the whole thing over again. Lynda says to Joy that she can come along to the next meeting and Lynda expects that Joy will be content to listen quietly and learn. Ha! In your dreams Mrs Snell, I reckon.

It’s a big week for Phoebe and Rex, who are ready to welcome their first camping families to the Rewilding project. They have made a conscious decision to start small. Roy visits the site and asks if there’s anything he can do to help. “We do know what we’re doing, dad” Phoebe replies, a trifle haughtily, so Roy goes off to work.

Phoebe and Rex congratulate themselves on being prepared, until Phoebe mentions the solar-powered lights for the loos – has Rex set them up? No – he thought that Phoebe was taking delivery of them first thing. Much arguing and a phone call later, it transpires that the firm did try to deliver the lights earlier, but because nobody was around, they took them away again. They cannot deliver again until tomorrow and Rex and Phoebe are terrified that their guests will be stumbling around in the dark, trying to find the loo – imagine how bad the reviews are going to be!

Where can they turn? Roy to the rescue! He calls in a few favours from his extensive list of contacts and before you know it, a solar generator is installed and lights are working. Roy says that he tells everybody about the Rewilding project and how proud he is of his clever daughter – proud too that she had the guts to start up her own business; something that he has never done. Father and daughter share a moment and a hug.

From family bonding, we move to the opposite end of the spectrum, with yet more friction and controversy at Home Farm - specifically between Brian and Adam (no change there, then). The trouble starts brewing on Monday, when Brian visits the office, where Adam is working late. Brian is going through the farm accounts, and he finds a puzzling discrepancy.

Brian is actually looking to see if it would be possible for him to take his share of the Farm’s profits earlier than planned, as Alice’s rehab is going to cost considerably more than he expected. However, looking at the figures, it seems that the machinery investment bank account is £5,000 lighter than it should be. Adam tells him to leave it and he will sort it out in the morning. But Brian is on the scent – the money went missing in March, which was when Alice was working in the office, and Brian is convinced that she is behind this. Again, Adam tries to persuade Brian to let it drop for the moment, but he is adamant; they cannot let her get away with taking the money. Finally, in exasperation, Adam blurts out “Alice didn’t take the money – I did.”

That was the end of Monday’s episode, so we weren’t privy to what went on after this announcement, but the next day, Adam is explaining the reasons for his actions to Lee. Why Lee, I couldn’t say – perhaps he’s the only person in Ambridge who won’t bit Adam’s head off – but the story told by Adam is that he needed the money to pay the electrician, whose bill for rewiring Honeysuckle Cottage was higher – considerably higher – than the estimate. As such, Adam ’borrowed’ £5 k as a short-term fix and hasn’t got round to repaying it yet. Lee’s advice is to repay the money asap and apologise to Brian – this will demonstrate that he wants to put things right and they can both move on. Adam’s way of thinking is to let Brian stew for a while, but Lee describes this as ‘unhelpful.’

Am I missing something here? Adam has – let’s not call a spade an manually-operated, earth-inverting, horticultural implement here – embezzled, stolen, purloined (choose your favourite description) and he is going to let Brian stew? If I were Brian, I’d be dialling 999 right now. Adam is upset that Brian practically called him a thief, but how else do you describe someone who takes money that’s not theirs? The point that he intended to return it is academic, surely?

As it turns out, Adam does get a personal loan from the bank and he tells Brian that he has paid the money back. Brian says “fine” and carries on repairing the bird-proof netting. Adam is nettled by his attitude and points out that Brian was looking at the accounts in the first place to see if he could get an advance on his profit share. Adam adds that he has said ‘sorry’ (which isn’t actually accurate). Brian’s reply is that he would only take money out of the business after telling the other partners, and not just help himself. 

I would also make the point that £5,000 is a considerable sum to just let slip your mind, but then again I’m not a farmer and I obviously don’t move in circles where such a sum of money is regarded as petty cash.

The conversation between the two men becomes increasingly acrimonious and Adam asks bitterly why does Brian treat him differently from his siblings? “How am I supposed to treat you when I can’t even trust you?” Brian replies. This is too much for Adam, who spits out “Trust? From the man who dumped another woman’s child on mum?” Brian ignores this and takes it as evidence that Adam feels threatened by Ruairi, plus Brian doesn’t think that he does treat Adam differently from the others.

Adam says that Ruairi is a smart kid, whom Adam loves, but farming for him is just something to occupy the time between school and university, whereas Adam has put his heart and soul into Home Farm. He accuses Brian of not listening to him, but Brian counters that he does listen; he just doesn’t always believe him. Adam is astounded – when it comes to believing his children, Alice has been lying to them all for years, yet Brian chooses not to believe Adam? “Alice is sick.” Brian says.

In reply, Adam says so is he – sick of being somewhere where he’s not wanted. “So why not leave?” asks Brian. He agrees that the current arrangement isn’t working for either of them, and the last thing Jennifer needs is further upset. Adam is aghast at the thought of leaving Home Farm, but Brian says that, if things continue as they are, he wants Adam out from under his feet: “If I’m going to support your mother and help Alice through the worst time in her life, I need a Farm Manager I can rely on, and it’s becoming increasingly clear that just isn’t you!”

And there the week ended. Will Adam leave? Where would he go? How thrilled would Ian be? I cannot help but think that, should Adam leave and it became known to Jennifer that this was the result of her husband’s attitude to Adam, then, if I were Brian, I wouldn’t get my goolies too close to any mangle when Jenny is around (in the unlikely event that Home Farm possesses such an implement). But that leaves us with the question who could possibly take over as Farm Manager? Hang on a sec – wasn’t there that guy who went to America? What was his name, now? It will come to me in a second – Rob…Rob Tich-something… no, sorry, it’s gone, I’m afraid…

Tact Has Never Been The Aldridges’ Strong Suit

Barry Farrimond (Ed Grundy)

I think that all the years when Brian and Jennifer Aldridge were acting like they were Lords of the Manor must have gone to their heads. Cast your mind back a few years; they certainly appeared to have it all – swimming pool, a luxury kitchen that would make your average Michelin-starred chef turn green with envy, a wine cellar to die for, and more than sufficient money. Then you poison one little stream and you find yourself in court, having to pay thousands in fines and clear-up fees, your house is sold and you are forced to downsize to a house which isn’t big enough to accommodate your all-singing, all-dancing combine. Life can be cruel. 

How are the mighty fallen! But old habits die hard and they have both retained a surprisingly-high degree of arrogance. This was demonstrated firstly by Jennifer, who sought out Ed and asks if she could talk to him about Alice. Ed is mystified – what can he do? Jen’s reply is along the lines of ‘I don’t understand what Alice is thinking about – I know you were a drug addict once, so can we talk?’ Ed is mightily taken aback by this direct approach, but he eventually invites her in to discuss things.

First of all, Ed says that, if it hadn’t been for Oliver, he would probably be dead now; there was one day when Ed nearly died from an overdose, but Oliver believed in him, laid down some ground rules and made sure he kept to them. At the time, Ed was homeless and he went to pieces (this was at the time when Emma and George left their caravan and went home to live with Neil and Susan). Ed’s own family disowned him, because of him bedding Emma on the eve of her wedding to Will, and Neil wouldn’t let him in the house.

Despite this sad story, Jenny points out that Ed came through it, which proves that it is possible to beat an addiction, so there may be hope yet. Ed points out that it is easier for some than others – while he was at rock bottom, Alice, by contrast, has everything on a plate; a nice house, a loving husband and a good job, not to mention a baby daughter.

Jennifer takes her leave and her next port of call is on Fallon, at the tea shop. Jenny has not yet settled up the bill for the spread that Fallon provided on the day of Martha’s christening. Fallon says that the current situation must be worrying for Jennifer and, upon this, Jenny loses control and bursts into tears, saying how heartbreaking it is to see someone you love slowly destroying herself and shutting friends and family out of their life. Fallon replies that she is sure that Alice never meant to hurt Fallon, but Alice is ill “and ill people need help, don’t they?”

Next day, Brian is working from home and tells Alice that Jennifer has asked if Alice could prepare the meal, as Jen might be late home. Afraid not, says Alice, as she has a table booked at The Fox – she’s going with someone else. Brian almost explodes with anger; he assumes it’s a man. Alice says ‘no’. “So it’s a woman?” Brian says, still shouting. “Well worked out, Dad” replies Alice, and she tells him that the woman is, in fact, Fallon, much to Brian’s amazement.

On his way to Berrow Farm, Brian calls in on Fallon and asks her what does she think she’s playing at? He calls her ‘deceitful’ and says how could she do this when they are all trying to stop Alice drinking? “And we can do without her so-called friends encouraging her.” With commendable – almost superhuman – restraint, Fallon stops herself giving him a gobfull of fingers (as my partner Louise so delicately phrases it) and tells him to stop right there. This pub visit was not her idea, and was booked in advance by Alice – and surely it’s better for Alice to have someone with her, rather than drink alone?

Brian moves on to Berrow, in a less-than-happy frame of mind, only to find Neil accompanied by Jazzer – what’s he doing there; he doesn’t start work for a week or two? Neil explains that Jazzer is giving up some free time to see how the farm works, plus he has spent an hour or so helping Neil to re-site the arks, and doesn’t Brian think that that’s very generous of him, seeing as he didn’t have to come in? Brian is in no mood to be generous and confronts Neil with the farm’s performance figures, which he says are simply not good enough. Neil disagrees, but politely so, which contrasts sharply with Brian’s totally grumpy and offensive attitude. Brian stalks off. As he does so, Ed arrives to pick Jazzer up and Neil apologises for Brian’s remarks, “but I suppose we have to make allowances” (personally, I prefer the ‘Louise solution’ mentioned in the previous paragraph). As Neil goes, Jazzer wonders whether, having escaped Home Farm’s Aquaponics operation to work at Berrow, he has jumped from the frying pan into the fire.

However, has Brian had a Christmas-Carol-Scrooge-Like-Epiphany? Or maybe someone has modified the Louise solution, substituting ‘humble pie’ for ‘a gobfull of fingers’? Whatever, on his way home, Brian drops in on Fallon and offers her an apology “for shooting my mouth off before I knew all the facts” and he now understands why she and Harrison turned down being Martha’s godparents, and he apologises again. Instead of saying ‘OK, who are you and what have you done with the real Brian Aldridge?’, Fallon says that Alice needs professional help, and, when Brian replies that she had that when she was away at the clinic earlier, Fallon says“ she needs REHAB “and she is going to have to want to undergo it.”

Just to show that it’s not just strangers to whom the Aldridges are rude, Jenny goes to see Peggy and tells her that Peggy’s example – staying with her alcoholic husband for years – has inspired Brian and Jenny not to give up. Peggy astounds her daughter by saying that she wishes she had given up and walked away and that she knew Alice was an alcoholic as far back as New Year’s Eve. Not only that, but Peggy told Chris that Martha’s safety is of paramount importance and he must do what he can to protect her. Jennifer interprets this as Peggy telling Chris to leave Alice, and Peggy says “if it became necessary, yes.” This is all too much for Jenny, who says that Peggy has made things ten times worse. “I’m sorry, mum,” Jennifer says, “but I don’t see how I’ll ever be able to forgive you.”

Later on, Brian and Jennifer hold a council of war about Rehab – Brian says he’s found a suitable-looking place, and it is eye-wateringly expensive. He also produces a form, which gives them authority to act on Alice’s behalf – all it needs is her signature. Neither parent has mentioned the word ‘Rehab’ to their daughter, and Jenny says they must be tactful with Alice. 

Ha! In your dreams! This discussion is being held over supper and Alice has just nipped off to the loo. She returns and Brian says they have been talking and he uses the ‘R’ word. Not bad Brian – you held out for all of five seconds there. Alice pours scorn on the very idea, saying that Rehab is for people who want to give up drinking and she doesn’t want to give up. Apparently, the treatment lasts between four to six weeks, and Alice says she couldn’t bear to be away from Martha for that long, to which Mr. Tact Brian says that she doesn’t spend much time with Martha at the moment, anyway.

Alice then blames Susan for poisoning Chris’s mind against her and turns on her parents – they’ve done precious little to stand up for her. An incensed Brian says “How dare you blame us for this?” and it is all too much for Jennifer, who says she cannot bear it any longer – they are only acting in Alice’s interests and Jen is very afraid that they are going to lose her. “I’m not going anywhere” Alice says, but Jenny explains that she meant that she is afraid that Alice is going to die if she carries on like she is at the moment.

Alice announces that she is going to her room, and Brian once again demonstrates his caring side and his super-abundance of tact when he calls after her “Another drink? Is that your answer?” Well done Brian - you really know how to handle a difficult situation; I’m surprised you didn’t just nail her to the wall and give her a damn good thrashing.

It’s just another typical evening in the Aldridge household, but there is a surprise in store, as Alice reappears and says “Where is this paper you want me to sign?” “Are you serious?” asks Brian, to which Alice replies that she has brought her own pen, and promptly signs the document of authority. Jennifer is deliriously happy and tells her that she and Brian will be with her every step of the way. “We’ll beat this thing – together” she tells her daughter.

Meanwhile, I expect you are wondering where is Chris while all this is going on? Emma asks Harrison and Fallon if they would be prepared to go out for an evening with her and Chris, as he could do with a change of scene and some company. Fallon isn’t keen, as she fears the evening could end up as a ‘let’s all slag off Alice’ exercise and she points out to Chris that Alice is her friend, as well as Chris. He asks what if he promised it would be an Alice-free event? Not only that, but he would tell Emma to rein in the vitriol about Alice. Rather reluctantly, Fallon agrees.

Things do not bode well, when Emma is detained at an over-running Parish Council meeting. Chris is unusually quiet, and the reason is that this was the place where he took Alice to celebrate her 30^th, and it is bringing back unwanted memories (it was Emma who unwittingly booked the restaurant, by the way). He feels he should phone Susan to check on Martha and that he’d like to go home if they don’t mind. 

As they are on their way, Fallon asks Harrison to pull over and she tells Chris not to be so hard on himself. Harrison agrees, telling Chris that both he and Fallon are there for him. Chris realises that he has gone a bit over the top and says that he doesn’t really need to go home yet. Harrison suggests that the three of them go back to Woodbine, get a chip supper “and watch some rubbish TV.” How could anyone turn down an invitation like that? Not Chris, obviously, as he says “I’d really like that.” I ask you; is it really so surprising that Alice turned to drink? 

Get The Pipe And Slippers Ready For Jazzer

Greg Jones (Calvin)

Ed and Jazzer are shearing sheep (at Home Farm, I believe) and finding it hot and thirsty work. During a much-needed break, Jazzer admits that he’s finding it hard going this year, and Ed teases him that he must be getting old. Later on, Jazzer tells Ed that he’s thinking of packing the shearing game in – now he’s got a girlfriend, perhaps it’s time he thought about settling down. Ed teases him again and Jazzer challenges him to a shearing contest tomorrow – first one to shear 50, wins a bottle of Sambuca. Come to think of it, I don’t think we were told who won.

Despite the banter, Ed is concerned – who can he get to replace Jazz? Jazzer suggests George and, while Ed says he would love to work with George, he doesn’t know if his nephew would be interested. True that he is studying an agricultural course, but does that mean that he would want to shear sheep?

Actually, it could all be academic, as a couple of days later, Jazzer is giving his motorbike a thorough service and is approached by Tracy, who says that she has always fancied a ride on a motorbike (please insert your own smutty joke) and why don’t the pair take a picnic and find a nice, secluded spot where they can enjoy themselves?

Jazzer is definitely up for this, and the pair take off. However, when they arrive at their idyllic destination, all is not sweetness and light; in fact, a blazing row ensues. Tracy, it would appear, is not really a genuine petrolhead, as she accuses Jazzer of trying to kill her and driving like a speed-crazed maniac. For his part, Jazzer asks why didn’t Tracy lean into the corners, as pillion passengers are supposed to do? He calls her a drama queen. Suffice it to say that any chance of romance (or even a quick bit of nookie) is out of the question, as they both agree that this has been the worst date ever.

But, just when you think things cannot get any worse, they do – Tracy tells Jazzer that there’s no way she is getting back on that bike, and it quickly becomes clear that neither is he, as it refuses to start, so his plan to go back to the main road and flag down somebody to give Tracy a lift is, like the motorbike, a non-starter. So Jazzer rings Eddie and asks if he can rescue them. Sadly, there appears to have been a lack of communication, as Eddie turns up in his limo, much to Tracy’s delight. But not to Jazzer’s – how is he going to get the bike into the limo? The short answer is he isn’t and what’s more, Eddie won’t take him either, as he’s covered in oil and Eddie’s seats are white leather. Eddie will take Tracy home and come back with the van to pick up the bike. And Jazzer.

Meanwhile, back in Ambridge, Mia is alarmed to see Ruairi with a pile of suitcases – surely he’s not leaving the village? No, he explains – he’s just moving in with Adam and Ian for a spell. Mia is relieved. Emma, who was with Mia when they came across Ruairi, notices Mia’s interest in Ruairi and asks if she has a crush on him? If so, Emma wouldn’t tell anyone – Mia can talk to her. After a bit of probing, Mia confesses that she is sweet on Ruairi and she thinks that he feels the same. Emma gently suggests that maybe Ruairi is just being kind, but Mia cannot accept this and says that it is more than just a crush; “I’m in love with Ruairi” she tells Emma.

Ruairi is attracting a lot of attention; Adam is watching apprehensively as the mountain of stuff that he is taking to Honeysuckle grows ever higher, but his grumbling is interrupted by Ian, who tells him that he accidentally heard Ruairi on the phone to his friend Troy and their conversation was – well, more than friendly; in fact it was flirty. Adam is stunned – how could he have missed noticing that Ruairi might be gay? He resolves to bring up the subject and let Ruairi know that they will support him, whatever.

It doesn’t take long, as at dinner that evening, Adam drops some unsubtle hints. Ruairi smiles; he knows that they must have overheard him and Troy talking, and he tells Adam and Ian that he’s not gay, but bisexual. Furthermore, Adam talking about how difficult he found it to come out doesn’t apply to Ruairi, as he has never been in the closet in the first place and, while he has never explicitly told Brian and Jenny of his sexuality, it’s not a secret among his friends. He also tells Adam that he and Ian helped pave the way for him and he thanks them for caring – it means a lot. “Well, you’re a lot more sorted than I was at 18” is Adam’s comment.

Perhaps it’s a good job that Mia wasn’t privy to this conversation. She contacts Ruairi and asks if he will show her round Home Farm so she can pursue her one-girl crusade against plastic pollution and waste in the agricultural sector. Sure, says Ruairi; how about now, as his school work is doing his head in. Mia jumps at the chance and, while they are walking the farm, they talk about Alice and her problems and Mia opens up about how she felt when her mum Nic died. Taking her courage in both hands, Mia tells Ruairi that he’s lovely. 

Ruairi realises the way that this conversation is leading and he tells Mia that she is lovely too, but quickly adds that he doesn’t feel ‘that way’ about her. Mia recovers brilliantly and bluffs it out, saying of course; she didn’t mean anything else when she said ‘lovely’ – she’s just grateful that he is helping her with her project.

However, Mia’s dreams and hopes have been shattered and she is despondent. Even Will notices that there’s something amiss and, in that caring but heavy-handed way of his, he keeps asking her questions (‘are you all right?’, ‘do you want to talk?’) The answers in Mia’s case being ‘no’ and ‘no’ and she flees to her room. After a while, an apologetic Will goes to see her and the pair do talk. 

“I didn’t know that having your heart broken could hurt this much” she tells her stepfather, after she has apologised for the rude way she treated him – she knows he was only concerned for her happiness. Will tells her that he knows what it’s like to have your heart broken, but sadly, it’s a part of growing up that almost everybody has to go through – he remembers when a girl he fancied at school got a new boyfriend; Will cried. “I was properly upset” he tells Mia. Mia thinks she will never get over it, but Will assures her that it will get better – he promises. “You just need to let the hurt happen and remember that the whole family loves you” he tells her. “I love them too,” she replies, and her mood lightens ever so slightly.

We come now to the continuing saga of Alice versus the bottle. Thus far, the bottle is way ahead on points and it looks like it was going for a KO this week. Alice returns home to Willow Cottage one evening, decidedly the worse for drink, as she struggles to find her door keys. And she is not alone, as she is accompanied by a young man, whose name, we learn later, is Calvin (although Alice has three goes at remembering it and fails miserably). Calvin and Alice got chatting in a pub and she invited him home for some company. Such is her influence, he is also as pissed as a newt, and the noise they are making wakes up Jennifer.

Jennifer says that she has a few things to say and Calvin says that maybe he ought to leave. Alice says no – he’s keeping her company. Jennifer gives it to him straight; her daughter is an alcoholic (Alice is scandalised) and not only that, she also has a husband and a baby daughter. “I didn’t know” mutters Calvin, to which Alice says “It doesn’t matter.” Calvin leaves, which must make him a contender for having the smallest-ever speaking part for an Archers character. “Oh Alice – in God’s name what were you thinking?” Jennifer asks in exasperation.

Enter Brian. What’s been going on? Jennifer starts to relate what has been happening, but Alice warns “Don’t get involved dad – it’s just mum over-reacting as usual.” Brian is bemused – what was his daughter up to? Alice replies that she just wanted some company – is that a crime?

Brian is still all at sea – if she wanted company, why not turn to Chris and Martha? When Alice asks why, he replies “Because they’re family.” “No they’re not – not any more; I don’t need them” Alice retorts. Brian tells her to stop, but she goes on, saying that she doesn’t need Chris, nor Martha; nor Brian and Jennifer, come to that. “As far as I’m concerned, you can all go to hell!” Alice shouts.

There is a long silence after this, broken by Brian saying to Alice that she cannot keep on ignoring them – she’s got to try because she and Chris love each other. He thinks back to when she and Chris got married – they thought seriously about taking that step. That’s right, Jenny chips in – surely she doesn’t want to throw away eleven years of marriage? 

And it is now that Brian utters possibly the most thoughtless comment of his life, when he says “Think about your marriage vows.” There is a moment of silence, then Alice says, in a dangerous voice “Are you serious?” Brian continues and asks her if she wants to throw it all away - her marriage, her relationship with her child? “Did you?” Alice retorts, adding: “I don’t think you’re qualified to lecture anyone on marriage vows” and goes on to mention Siobhan and Ruairi. She calls Brian a hypocrite and says “My vows were the same as those you made to mum – the ones you broke when you knocked up another woman and had a baby with her. It’s true – I lie, I’m selfish and I drink too much; I’m just like you!” A chip off the old block, eh Brian? You must be so proud.

I like to end on a happy note, so let’s go back to the beginning of the week, where Lee is exhausted after looking after Henry and Jack, who seem to have spent all day on Lee’s newly-acquired drum kit. Helen is worried about the noise and invites neighbour Joy over for drinks and nibbles. Helen apologises profusely, but Joy is quite ok about it and says how nice it is to hear the youngsters enjoying themselves and not to worry about the noise and, yes, she will have another drink, thanks for asking. I think we should seriously test Joy’s neighbourliness and her tolerance – I am going to start a rumour that Jazzer is looking to sell his bagpipes and that Lee has expressed a keen interest. Let’s see how she likes that! 

If You Really Loved Her, Vince, You’d Clear Up Your Own Pig Muck

Tony Turner (Vince Casey)

Vince Casey is spending a lot of time at Lower Loxley, and Elizabeth is by no means the only centre of attraction, as Vince appears to be developing a relationship with Rex’s pigs. He also seems to be taking Rex under his wing and has lots of ideas to improve Rex’s business, such as suggesting that he purchases industrial fridges. Vince points out to Elizabeth that he has a lot of experience in the meat business – admittedly not pork – and he likes Rex, so why shouldn’t he give the lad a leg up?

Elizabeth reminds him that having pigs at Lower Loxley is her project, so don’t get too involved and she is taken aback somewhat when Vince says that he wants Rex to be successful for Lower Loxley, as it’s his way of showing her that he loves her. Lizzie doesn’t know what to say – she enjoys being with Vince, but can they not continue the way they are, just having a fun time?

He agrees, and a potentially awkward moment passes. Elizabeth notices that, when he came into the kitchen, he trailed in some pig muck, and she tells him to clean it off his shoe, while she cleans up the kitchen – sounds almost like love to me, Lizzie, but we’ll see how it develops.

The main story last week continued to be about Alice’s battle with the bottle. Actually, ‘battle’ is probably the wrong word, as she always appears to surrender unconditionally after only a few seconds. At least she didn’t smash anybody else’s windows this week, so we should be grateful for small mercies, although local glaziers are disappointed.

There is a siblings’ meeting at the Dower House when Jennifer, Lilian and Tony get together to discuss the Alice situation. Jennifer admits that she assumed it was all due to the stress of the pregnancy and rather unorthodox birth, but she realises it goes back much further than that. She tells her siblings that the visit they had from Social Services was upsetting, as SocServ seemed to think that Martha might be in danger of being abused. Alice reassured them that she is quite happy with Martha living with Chris and his family at Ambridge View. And what about her – would she like a referral to the Borchester Drug and Alcohol Services? Alice’s answer to that is ‘no thanks’ and Jennifer is in despair, as she says that it looks like Alice doesn’t want to give up drinking and doesn’t seem to be in the least concerned about Martha. Jennifer also says that she doesn’t know where to turn next, as she has come to realise that, when Alice appears to be behaving like the ‘normal’ Alice she remembers, then that means that Alice has been drinking.

Jennifer leaves her brother and sister, who continue to debate the situation – it seems hopeless, as Alice will not agree to a detox programme. Tony suggests that perhaps a change of scene might help – does Lilian think that Alice would like to come and spend some time at Bridge Farm? On the ‘1 to 10 scale of good ideas’, this suggestion comes in somewhere around -87. Just try and imagine spending your days in the company of Tony and Pat. No – on second thoughts don’t; I’ve just tried to think about it and I’ve had to go and open a bottle of Scotch, and it’s only 5.30 pm on Saturday, so perhaps not a good idea for Alice?

From ‘most stupid suggestion’, we move to ‘most stupid question’, as Lilian asks her brother if he thinks she is an alcoholic? She confesses that she encouraged Alice to have a drink when she was pregnant (Alice refused) and goes further, admitting that she regularly drank when she was pregnant with James. All I will say is that, if Lilian isn’t an alcoholic, she’d certainly do if you needed one in a hurry; and, secondly, that answer explains a lot as far as James is concerned…

We might as well deal with the third sibling; Jennifer. Brian is at home with Ruairi, letting his son watch him change the tractor oil, or something equally spectacular. Ruairi outlines his plan to help deal with the Alice problem – why not let her move into Willow Cottage with Jen and Brian and he can move into Alice’s place, or he can go to live with a couple of college mates? Suddenly, we hear the clinking of numerous glass bottles. ‘Hello, Alice is home’ I thought, but I was mistaken.

In fact, it was Jennifer. What is she doing? Brian asks – are they his bottles of Rioja? No – they were his bottles of (expensive) Rioja, which she has just emptied down the drain. With commendable restraint, Brian asks for an explanation. Seized by an almost Messianic zeal, Jenny explains that the family is the root cause of Alice’s problem – consider; they have wine with every meal (have you ever had Weetabix with Rioja – other wines and cereals are available?). Call me Mr. Picky, but wouldn’t have been easier and more beneficial (and certainly cheaper) to put a special lock on the wine cellar (or wine cupboard, as the Aldridges have had to downsize) door, thereby keeping valuable wine stocks intact; keeping Alice out, and stopping the Aldridges being prosecuted (again) for polluting the Am, when the Rioja tsunami meets the local watercourse. 

Jennifer told her siblings earlier that “local gossips are having a field day”. Too right they are! Clarrie gives Helen a list of Alice’s sins – remember how drunk she was at Nic’s funeral? Not to mention how she upset Ed and Emma when she imagined a romance between him and Alice.

Suffice it to say that neither Brian nor Jenny are keen on letting Ruairi move in with his college mates – he might start enjoying himself, Heaven forfend! Brian has a suggestion, and we learn later that his idea is for Ruairi to move in with Adam and Ian – Ian is quite phlegmatic about it, but Adam calls it “a bombshell.”

Before we leave the Alice story, Neil is visiting Shula at the Stables – apparently Banjo’s teeth need filing (I hope to God that Banjo is a horse) – and the pair get talking. Neil admits that Susan is getting run down and that she found the visit from Yvette (social worker) very intrusive. Yvette was, says Neil, very professional and she said that she had no concerns about Martha living at Ambridge View. However, Neil could see the shame in Chris’s eyes throughout the visit.

Personally, Neil doesn’t blame Alice 100%, but it’s different for Susan – she was terrified when the shop window shattered. In answer to Shula’s question, Neil admits that he doesn’t know if Alice and his son will get back together, but part of him thinks that a baby needs her mother, and what would happen if Alice decided that she wanted Martha back? “That would be a hard road for all of us,” Neil says, “Courts, lawyers etc and bad blood between everyone; that’s what I’m afraid of, Shula.”

Quite often, Neil adds, Chris is so knackered with trying to catch up with work, that he sleeps through the night and Susan has to do the night feeds. That makes Chris feel guilty in the morning, but he won’t open up to anybody, and that upsets Susan even more. Neil and Susan are finding it difficult to talk about the situation and he’s not convinced that there is a right way for any of them to turn at the moment. A sympathetic Shula advises him to stop for a bit – he’s got to look after himself “And it’s hard when you’ve got to be strong for everybody else” she adds.

Let us turn now to Lee and Helen, who (along with Henry and Jack) are moving into Beechwood; Kirsty’s old house. Remember Beechwood? It was Kirsty and Phil’s dream house and Philip had made a number of improvements and additions, as well as decorating it beautifully from top to bottom. How times change! Helen tells Lee to take the boys shopping so that they choose what colours they would like in their rooms. He also resolves to buy an electric drill so that he can fix up a set of shelves and the odd cupboard or two – how hard can it be? Helen is spending a night or two at Bridge Farm, as she has an early start making the latest batch of cheese, so Lee reckons that he can knock the decorating off in a day or so. Philip would turn in his grave – or at least, his cell, if he knew.

Lee soon finds out that things aren’t always as easy as they seem and, when Adam goes round to deliver some furniture that Jennifer is letting them have, a scene of carnage meets his eyes. From being Kirsty’s dream home, Lee has – in only one day – transformed it into what looks like a candidate for ‘Homes under the hammer’ – and I’m talking about the part of the programme before they renovate the property.

Shelves are positioned at interesting angles, plasterboard has holes in it and the colour scheme is funereal, bordering on depressive. Ian, who goes round later to see it, at Adam’s prompting, describes it as “Dracula’s man cave”, but he suggests that the three of them can redecorate it before Helen and the boys return. Adam is not so sanguine – “Are you out of your mind, Ian?” he asks his husband.

Nevertheless, they set to – shelves are taken down and put up again, only this time they are horizontal; holes are filled in, cupboards fixed to the wall properly and the rooms given a complete paint job, but this time not in suicide-inducing colours. All is going swimmingly, then, when inspecting Jack’s room, Ian looks up at the ceiling and emits a gasp of horror. “What on earth possessed you?” Adam asks. “You don’t like it?” Lee replies. “It’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen!” Adam replies. So, we’ll mark that down as a ‘no’ then shall we Adam?

I won’t keep you in suspense – ‘it’ is a stencil of a giant spider, but Lee won’t let Ian paint over it, saying that he wants Jack to decide if he wants to keep it. As it turns out, Jack loves it, saying that it’s a friendly spider and it will look after him. Helen is amazed at the redecoration and praises Lee. “I had some help” he says, modestly. Yeah – like the UK had ‘some help’ from the Americans in WWII.

Later, Helen and Lee are in the garden and she tells him how happy the boys are, and how happy she is. The boys’ happiness, she tells him is that Lee is there to look after them (along with the spider). The pair kiss and Helen says “I think we’re going to be all right here, don’t you?” Normally, such a pronouncement would have us shaking our heads in foreboding as we await the oncoming catastrophe, but I really hope Lee and Helen make a go of it. However, I wonder if a snake has entered this Eden, as Lee has messaged Helen that an old mate of his has decided to get rid of his drum kit and has offered it to Lee (who used to play drums) - how does she feel? Helen tells Ian this and he voices doubts, but she says “I love him, Ian – he’s a wonderful man, and if he wants to play drums, that’s fine by me.” Hmm. I cannot help wondering whether her attitude might change when Jack and Henry start doing Ginger Baker impressions (look him up if you’re too young to remember) at six o’clock on a Sunday morning. 

Alice Has A Smashing Time At The Shop!

Hollie Chapman (Alice Carter)

People are still walking on eggshells around Alice. In conversation with her mother, Emma says that she looks exhausted. No wonder! Susan says that Alice came to see them yesterday and she got very upset because Martha wouldn’t stop crying, but at least Alice appears to be trying (very trying, if you ask me).

At Berrow Farm the next day, Brian and Neil are talking. Brian lets it be known that he was less than impressed when Emma rocked up on his doorstep and began bad-mouthing Alice. Neil knew nothing of this, but it hasn’t changed his point of view – he won’t leave Martha alone with Jennifer and Alice. Brian, who seems to have a blind spot when it comes to his youngest daughter, describes Alice as “very resilient” (sounds better than ‘a total lush’ I suppose). The two men wonder how this situation has got to this point, and Neil tells his boss that the Carters have always looked on Alice as their own daughter, but Martha is their priority now.

Be that as it may, neither Susan nor Neil are getting any younger and the strain of looking after a new-born baby is taking its toll, with Susan doing most of the night feeds. So it is that Shula confronts (in a nice way) Susan in the shop; Peggy (and Jill, and many others) have received letters saying that their newspaper bills have not been paid, and intimating that their goolies will be put in the mangle if they don’t settle up pronto. The problem is that all these people have all paid up to date and the letters have been sent out as an oversight. 

Susan is distraught and asks Shula to apologise to those members of her family who have been unfairly smeared – she must have pressed the wrong button. It’s difficult to get Martha into a routine, explains Susan. Shula asks if perhaps Susan should take a break from the shop, but Susan replies that she just needs to concentrate a bit harder.

Meanwhile, Neil has returned to Ambridge View to relieve Emma from Martha Watch duties. Emma goes off on one about Brian Aldridge and Neil reminds her that Brian is his boss, and Emma’s attitude and actions haven’t really helped very much. In fact, he tells her to stop – she’s only making things worse and, before she opens her mouth in the future, she should ask herself if what she says is really going to help improve the situation? They need to be constructive. Emma replies that it won’t be easy to disguise her feelings about Alice – or Kate, come to that. Neil thanks his daughter for her help in looking after Martha today and says that he knows it won’t be easy – in fact, it’s breaking his heart.

We shouldn’t assume that Alice is not seeing her daughter while all this is going on. In fact, on Tuesday, we see Alice and Chris at Ambridge View with Martha. Alice keeps remarking about things that their daughter is doing for the first time, only to be told by Chris that she has been doing them for a couple of weeks. Chris won’t leave Alice alone with Martha, despite the fact that Alice insists that she has changed. “What? Since the christening?” asks a sceptical Chris.

Alice starts to get bolshie and says that she cannot stand the way Chris is watching her like a hawk all the time. She suggests that she is not entirely to blame for the current situation, as both she and Chris were fond of nights out, fuelled by plenty of drink – it was only her that got ill (nice euphemism there, Alice). “But you are still ill” replies Chris, and an argument ensues, with Alice claiming that he wants her to fail; “Now you’ve got Martha, you don’t need me any more” she says. Chris’s response to this is to ask his wife if she is mad; has she had a drink today? He tells her to go – now. Alice says that her time with Martha isn’t up yet, to which a snarling Chris replies that she can see her daughter only when he says she can, and please go.

This episode has been witnessed by Jennifer (who can spy on Ambridge View from Willow Cottage) and who is relaying what’s going on to Peggy, who is on the phone. I tell you, GCHQ has got nothing compared to the Ambridge gossip network. Jennifer isn’t really listening, and keeps going on about, had the family known the extent of the problem, then they might have nipped it in the bud. Peggy, who points out that she has had some experience of alcoholism with her first husband, says that this would have been unlikely. She then tries to tell Jennifer that she already knew that Alice was an alcoholic, but Jennifer has spotted Alice leaving Ambridge View in floods of tears and says that she has to hang up.

While all this is going on, Susan turns up late for work and apologises to Helen. Helen is disturbed, as she notices that Susan is shaking and has obviously been crying – is she fit to drive? Susan says yes, but Helen isn’t having any of it and says that she will drive Susan home and she insists that Susan takes time off with compassionate leave. In a small voice, Susan asks if she ought to resign – she knows she has not been doing a good job recently. Helen rejects the thought out of hand and tells Susan to take some time out and focus on her family – they are what’s important. This leaves Helen with a staffing problem, as she tells Kirsty later. Kirsty says get someone else in, but Helen replies that there are no guaranteed hours or any length of contract, so who would be mad enough to take a job like that?

The answer is staring Helen in the face, says Kirsty – she will do it. She’s twiddling her thumbs at Grey Gables at the moment and she is sure that Clarrie can explain what needs to be done. Kirsty might have thought ‘and if Clarrie and Susan can do the job, how hard can it be?’ but she never voiced the thought. Helen is worried that she is taking advantage of her friend, but Kirsty says that she wants paying. “In that case, when can you start?” Helen asks.

‘But what happened to Alice – where did she go?’ I hear you scream. The short answer is ‘to the shop’, where Jim is serving behind the counter. Alice, who has obviously had a sniff of the barmaid’s apron – well, several sniffs, actually – is trying to persuade Jim to sell her a bottle of vodka. And if he doesn’t, then she will get in her car and drive to somewhere where they will sell her a bottle. Jim asks whether she would take a risk like that with her safety, and that of other road users, and the answer is ‘yes’. In that case, Jim has to decide whether it’s better for her to have the bottle, rather than risk an accident.

In the end, he thinks the former course of action is the preferred option, so it is a tad unfortunate that Susan enters the shop just as he is handing the booze over. “Jim – Alice. What do you think you’re doing!” Susan says, aghast. A three-way argument breaks out, with Jim trying to justify his action, Alice screaming to be given the bottle and Susan telling Jim to shut up and mind his own business. “Can’t you see what this is doing to you?” Susan asks Alice, only to be called “an interfering hypocrite” in response. Susan loses patience and tells Alice to get out of the shop – she will not serve her alcohol. As Alice storms out, Jim tells Susan that she handled the situation very well, but he is interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.

Let’s pause here for a moment – we are told, next day, that Alice threw a brick through the shop window, and then went back into the shop to see if Jim and Susan were OK. Personally, I reckon she went back to see if she could liberate the Voddie bottle, but that’s just me. What we do know is that somebody called the Police, but what I want to know is where did Alice get the brick from? I mean, you don’t see bricks laying around the place, do you? I cannot believe that Alice carries bricks around for just such an eventuality. 

Leaving that aside, the following morning Alice has been told to report to the Police Station at 8.50. Brian and Jennifer have gone with her and Brian is getting arsey about the length of time that his daughter has been detained – should he go in and stir them up? he asks Jennifer.

Jenny was obviously ahead of Brian in the queue when Common Sense was being handed out, as she suggests that it might be counterproductive to antagonise the police in the execution of their duties. Fortunately, Alice reappears and says that they can go home. She offered to pay for the window (offered Brian to pay, more like). There is just a slight complication, in that, should Jim or Susan want to press charges, things will be taken further.

Alice goes round to see Jim to apologise, but Jazzer sends her away with a flea in her ear, telling her that “Martha needs a decent Ma – and you’re not it.” When Jim learns of this, he gently chides Jazzer, saying that he should be more understanding and sympathetic. Jazzer puts this attitude down to delayed shock and keeps trying to get Jim to drink hot, sweet tea.

Brian goes to see Neil and offers to pay for the new glass and any clean-up costs (told you so!). He takes the opportunity to suggest that, as neither Susan nor Jim were not seriously hurt, perhaps they won’t be pressing charges? After all, if that were to happen, it could seriously knock back any progress that Alice has made. Neil puts on his stern voice and says “Brian, we all want Alice to get over this, but you have to draw the line somewhere.” He adds that the decision is Susan’s, but he will back her, whatever she decides.

It turns out that Neil goes to see Jenny and Alice, to tell them that Susan said that, while it was a nasty experience, she feels that punishment won’t help in this case. The shop committee would like to accept Brian’s offer to pay for the clear-up. Just then, the phone rings and Jenny goes to answer it. Alice says that she feels that she deserves to be punished and Neil wonders out loud “Where has she gone – that beautiful girl we all loved so much?” He adds that, if they all work together, maybe they can get her back, and then takes his leave.

If the Aldridges think that this draws a line under the situation, then it appears that they are sadly mistaken, as a shocked and worried Jennifer returns from answering the phone and gives her daughter the somewhat upsetting news that it was Social Services on the other end. And so another week’s episodes end.

Brian Does His Ostrich Impression

Charles Collingwood (Brian Aldridge)

It’s the day of Martha’s christening – or rather, her non-christening – and Chris has taken her back to Ambridge View, where he and his daughter will be staying for a few days. He has picked up some stuff from home and Dad Neil is wondering where he can store it. Chris is exhausted, but he is relieved that the story of Alice’s alcoholism is finally out in the open. Leaving Alice and taking Martha away was the only solution, he tells his parents.

Meanwhile, Brian is not one to pass up any opportunity and we find him steadily ploughing his way through the christening buffet, telling Jennifer that Fallon has really come up trumps – the spread is delicious and is she sure she doesn’t want something to eat? Jennifer is too distraught to think about food, or anything else for that matter, and wonders out loud if she ought to call Susan. Brian advises against it, saying that Chris and Alice obviously need time and space to sort themselves out. Jenny says that she has never seen Chris so angry and keeps banging on about ringing Susan.

Exasperated (presumably because he still has all the buffet to demolish), Brian says “For goodness’ sake; give the girl some space” and to take Jenny’s mind off things, he suggests a walk. He chivvies her along, but Jenny is mortified, because the news that Alice is an alcoholic is all round the village. Brian won’t hear of it – who is saying such things? “Emma Grundy, for one” says Jenny, but Brian pooh-poohs this, saying that, yes, Alice occasionally has one too many, but the christening is a celebration, after all – even he had a whisky on the morning of the christening. “You might as well say that I’m an alcoholic” he tells his wife.

Jennifer is not convinced and wonders if their daughter has been struggling more than they thought. Rubbish, Brian says – he has been working in the farm office with Alice for months and he’s never noticed anything wrong. In fact, one thing he does know is that Alice gets stronger when she is under pressure. He recalls that, when Alice and Chris got married in Las Vegas, Brian and Jennifer didn’t think it would ever last. “We doubted her once, so why doubt her now?” Jennifer agrees, adding “We must have faith in our girl.”

On the subject of drinking in the office, we know that Alice used to help herself liberally to her father’s alcohol stash, so how come he never noticed the rapidly-dwindling level of whisky in the bottle he keeps in the drawer? Did he think that the evaporation level was uncommonly high, or what? Whatever, it doesn’t say much for his powers of observation.

At Ambridge View, Chris is debating whether he should give up work? His parents try to dissuade him, although Neil is worried that Susan is taking on too much in the way of giving feeds, etc. and will wear herself out. Despite what Brian said to her, Jennifer goes round to see Susan and she is keen to help – should she take her granddaughter out for a walk? Chris is quite curt and says no – they’ve only just got her to go to sleep. It soon becomes clear that Jennifer does not have a clue as to the depth of her daughter’s addiction. Chris asks her bluntly exactly what has Alice told her is going on?

Jennifer replies that Alice said that she just needs a few days to recharge her batteries, then she and Chris can get back on track. Chris says that that is not going to happen and if Jennifer goes to see Alice, she will just be fed another pack of lies. What lies? Jennifer asks, totally mystified. Chris spells it out that his wife is an alcoholic and, when Jenny protests that no, no – she hardly drinks anything, Chris says that that is what she wants you to think. 

Personally, I think Chris did well not to beat Jenny’s head against the wall – especially when she says that Alice is Martha’s mother and the Carters have no right to try and break that bond. Chris replies that Alice does not want to see her daughter and, when Jenny protests, he goes on inexorably, saying that Alice has got exactly what she wanted – to be left alone to drink in peace. Go and see her if you have any doubts.

Jennifer is round there like a shot, hammering on the door. Alice eventually answers and her mother asks her if she’s drunk? Alice says “no”, but there are empty bottles strewn around and it is obvious that she has been sleeping on the couch. Asked about the rumours circulating in the village, Alice replies that Chris is blowing things out of proportion. Eventually, though, Alice has had enough and, when Jennifer tells her that she has to fight for Martha – fight Chris and Susan and Neil – Alice replies that Chris was the one who wanted children; she never did.

And now, Alice says (not very kindly) she really needs Jennifer to leave – now – so that she (Alice) can do what she is supposed to be doing, which is to get some rest. Jennifer is appalled at what she has heard and breaks down in tears, begging her daughter “Alice – please don’t do this!” Perhaps Alice should have continued telling lies as, when she is convinced of the truth, Jenny promptly moves in with her daughter to look after her. This makes Alice unhappy and Jenny press gangs Kate to look after Brian, which makes the two of them very unhappy, so, all in all, the entire family is miserable; and serve them right.

Actually, that’s not strictly true, as Ruairi is unaffected. It shows what Jenny thinks of the men in her life that she never told Kate to look after Ruairi, as she knows that he can take care of himself. Ruairi asks his stepmother if he should talk to Alice and he goes to see her. They talk about Martha and Alice’s feelings towards her – Alice says that Martha will be better off without her in her life, but her outlook is altered when Ruairi reminds her that he never really knew Siobhan (his mother) and tells her what it is like to grow up without a mother.

Their talk obviously has a positive effect as, after Ruairi has left, Alice tells Jennifer that she phoned her alcohol-dependence buddy Lisa and now she feels that she really needs to see Martha, if Chris is agreeable. She admits that she is an alcoholic, but she is determined to get sober again. Jennifer is overjoyed and tells her daughter that she has the whole family backing her and “many people recover from alcoholism and I’ll make sure that you are one of them.”

Before we leave the Aldridges, we should mention the confrontation between Brian and Emma Grundy. Emma has been slowly working herself up in a fury and tells Fallon that it’s no good – she is going to see Alice and let her know just how much harm she has done to everybody and how she is breaking Chris’s heart. 

Absolutely blazing mad, she bangs on Brian’s door and demands to see Alice. Brian says she’s not there and Emma goes off on one, slagging off Alice and telling Brian all the things his daughter has done – apart from the alcoholism, there were the incidents with Ed Grundy and Sgt. Burns. “Alice is a manipulative, destructive little cow!” Emma screams. “How dare you talk about my daughter like that?” Brian protests, but Emma is in full flow, saying that Alice would rather be drunk than to be with her husband and baby. “Absolute nonsense!” he blusters and then, when she tells him she didn’t realise that he was so gullible and he should open his eyes. “Get out of my sight!” he roars, to which she replies not to worry – she’s going. “I’ve never met a more stuck-up bunch of emotionally vacant losers in my life!” is her parting shot.

Kate, who is there visiting her father, slams the door on Emma, and there are signs that Brian’s confidence might be starting to waver, when he asks Kate if she thinks there might be some truth in what Emma was saying? Kate pours scorn on the very idea, saying that Emma “is like the mad dog that barks at everybody.” Brian takes heart from what his daughter has said and his self-confidence is soon restored to its usual Olympian levels.

We have spent a lot of time on the Aldridge/Carter situation, but other things have been happening in and around Ambridge. Elizabeth visited Joy in order to return the latter’s knickers, left behind at Lower Loxley after Joy posed for the life-drawing class, apparently without her realising why things felt a bit draughty on the journey home. The two women have a conversation about mental welfare and Joy was staggered to learn of Elizabeth’s earlier depression, while Lizzie sympathised with Joy’s stories of combating loneliness, to the extent that she agrees to stay for a cuppa, having originally turned the offer down. Oh yes, Lizzie also gave Joy a voucher for a drink and meal in the Orangery, as a ‘thank you’ for getting (and leaving) her kit off and saving the art class day.

Continuing the friendly theme, Josh and Rex meet at Hollowtree; Rex is leaving and Josh is planning the preparation for moving in his egg business. Josh gets a message – a big customer didn’t get Josh’s message that the egg delivery would be delayed and he needs the delivery this afternoon. Josh has to relieve Pip on the farm, so what can he do? Rex suggests that he could deliver them by taxi, but of course he would have to charge business rate fares (there and back). Also, there would be various other add-ons until Josh cottons on and asks if he has to pay a gullibility tax? Rex says no and the two men laugh. Rex eventually says that he will deliver the eggs as a favour and the two agree to meet for a beer in the near future. (Incidentally, are you aware that the word ‘gullible’ doesn’t appear in the dictionary?)

Rex moves his pigs into the woodland at Lower Loxley, and he is joined by Vince Casey as a spectator. The pair talk and get on very well, to the extent that Vince asks what can he do to help? Rex is grateful and they discuss the advantages of having ‘home-grown’ pork on the Orangery menu. As Vince puts it “800 yards from field to table is worth a few more £s per kilo.” Apparently this is important to customers, and Rex is intrigued – so much so that he invites Vince to join him and Elizabeth (and hopefully, one would think, the chef at Lower Loxley) in a tasting evening. It would appear that Vince isn’t the nasty piece of work that we thought, which means that he’ll probably turn out to be a modern-day Sweeney Todd – after all, most of us thought that Rob Titchener was an all-round nice guy when we first met him. I sincerely hope I’m wrong.