The Cat Whisperer

Jackie Lye (Joy Horville)

Last week we had proof that a good number of people in Ambridge aren’t quite the full ticket as Joy Horville came up with an idea for finding the still-missing Hilda Ogden – the idea is to talk to the various cats and dogs in the village and ask them if they’ve seen Hilda and could they ask her to return home, please? Not, you will have noticed, talk to the owners, but to the animals themselves.

It is at this stage that any sane person would make an excuse and leave, while at the same time making sure that there are no sharp objects within reach, and Tony demonstrates that he is at least partly sane by rubbishing the scheme in front of Joy. Pat tries, unsuccessfully, to get him to shut up, and then she plays a really mean trick on her husband – when Joy points out that she doesn’t know who in Ambridge are the pet owners, Pat volunteers Tony to take Joy round the village and introduce her to those with cats (and dogs – it would appear that cat whispering is multi-lingual). Pat says that she would do it, but she has to be in the shop all day and she’s checked and there’s nothing in the diary for Tony. Had he been a bit of a quick thinker, he could have said that he was unexpectedly washing his hair, but he found himself done up like a kipper.

The first person he talks to about the plan is Lilian and, when she says that there could be something in the idea and that Ruby, her dog, understands her every word, Tony realises that the world has gone mad and Ambridge should be renamed ‘Crazyville’ or something similar. Joy’s next ‘customer’ is Shula, who does have a hard time getting her head round the whole idea and is bemused when Tony suggests that Joy talks to the horses.

Then there is Tracy’s cat, Buster, who is a bit of a slob and spends all his time inside, watching TV, causing Tony to observe that he never goes out, so how can he contact Hilda? Joy also meets Freddie, who shows her Catto, a stray that appears to have adopted him. Joy kneels down beside the cat and engages it in an earnest – albeit one-way – conversation. Tony is heard to mutter that, if Hilda continues to stay away, she would be doing everyone a big favour.

Anyway, whether it is down to Joy’s cat whispering or not, Hilda turns up in The Lodge garden, accompanied by a white cat. She is also pregnant and gives birth to five kittens. Kate finds these adorable and begs Peggy to let them keep one. Peggy refuses, saying they will have to be rehomed, and Hilda gets brownie points from thousands of listeners when she lashes out angrily at Kate.

Over at Grey Gables, the rumours about Tracy and Oliver are being bandied around, with Alf Grundy, for one, stating it as fact that they are having an affair. Elizabeth wonders if she ought to tip Oliver off and she eventually does so. Oliver is appalled – it’s bad enough that Alf is telling people that it was Oliver’s heartlessness that caused Joe’s demise, without insinuating that he is having affairs with the staff.

The situation is made worse when Tracy gives Oliver a bottle of Lower Loxley wine as a ‘thank you’ for giving her a job and having faith in her. Oliver says he cannot possibly accept the gift and their relationship is one of employer and employee and nothing more. Tracy thinks it is all a bit of a laugh and tells Oliver he should just ignore it. “I’m sorry, I can’t do that” her boss replies and Tracy is a bit miffed that Oliver thinks that gossip is more important than friendship and she goes off, taking the bottle with her.

We have already mentioned Alf Grundy and he is turning out to be a deeply unpleasant character, haunting The Bull and cadging drinks off anyone daft enough to offer. Leonard buys him a pint and Alf says that he wouldn’t mind a whisky chaser to go with it. Leonard says later to Jill that he felt sorry for Alf, who is obviously missing his father. Jill replies that this is a load of garbage and Alf never cared a jot for Joe.

As for Eddie and Clarrie, they realise that they are stuck with Alf until at least after the funeral, which is three weeks away. “And I never wanted him here in the first place” Eddie mutters, morosely. Eddie thinks that Alf is hoping for some sort of legacy, but he’ll be lucky, as Joe never had anything to leave. Clarrie mystifies Alf by sending Joe’s best suit – in which he is going to be buried – to the cleaners. Alf cannot see the point.

The two brothers begin the task of sorting out Joe’s effects (not a long job) and they find lottery tickets, bills and brochures. Alf finds Joe’s Will, which seems to be a list of instructions on how to look after ferrets. But wait! What’s this? It is a letter from a woman called Carmen which says “what we’ve got could change the world and make our fortune.” Alf is overjoyed and says gleefully that they could be in the money. Look, this is the Grundys we are talking about here and, if history is any guide, whatever it is they have found will either prove to be worthless, or go swiftly pear-shaped. Let’s face it, their scams and schemes in the past have never amounted to anything and I can’t help thinking that having Alf join the team could hardly be regarded as a plus, as he’s about as much use as a carpet-layer’s stepladder. We will wait and see.

Actually, at the start of the week we were wondering whether we had misjudged Alf, as he told Clarrie that, when he was last at Grange Farm, he ‘borrowed’ £20 from her purse and here is the money. “You can’t say that I never pay my debts” Alf says, a trifle sanctimoniously, handing it over. Unfortunately the effect is ruined when Ed (in front of the family) tells Alf that he’ll need the £20 back that he lent his uncle yesterday. “Have you no shame at all?” Eddie asks his brother when Ed goes out. I think that’s what they call a rhetorical question.

Someone else who is a bit short of money is Rex Fairbrother. His pigs are up to slaughter weight and David asks him how will he get them to the slaughterhouse - the trailer he is using is OK for weaners, but these pigs are much larger. Rex decides that he needs a bigger trailer, but where to get the money? Toby comes across his brother sorting out his rugby treasures - much-loved mementoes of his former career. Surely he cannot be thinking of selling them? Why not ask Dad for a loan? Rex answers that he wants to be independent and succeed through his own efforts. Perhaps Toby could help him out, although I think I’m correct in saying that he hasn’t fully paid back the money that Pip lent him a year or so back.

Last week we suggested that Joy’s lifeless body might be found floating in the Am one day. It seems we might have to start compiling a list of potential victims, as Vince Casey is getting up rather a lot of noses. His buy-out of Crowther’s abattoir seemed to have saved the facility for local farmers, but there are questions about whether he can be bothered to accommodate local producers and/or will it be worth his while? 

Vince has already given Hassett Hills the runaround, saying that he doesn’t want to talk to the Secretary, but to the ‘Head Honchos’, by which he means David and Adam. He then proceeded to keep fobbing them off regarding dates, saying he had no windows for a meeting. David and Adam meet in The Bull to discuss details of their pitch and David gets a call. It’s Vince. He finds himself in Borchester and are they available for a meeting? David lets slip that they are in The Bull and Vince says “great - I can be there in half an hour” and rings off.

The meeting doesn’t go well, as David and Adam are totally unprepared and have no figures to offer Vince. “What’s in it for me?” he asks, and also suggests that Adam is so besotted with his new son that he has taken his eye off the ball, farming-wise. Anyway, he’d like some figures by the end of the week and, as he leaves, David tells Adam that farming is hard enough at the best of times and Adam agrees, saying that nothing is easy nowadays, is it? I have sympathy for the farming community, but I remember the saying ‘you never see a farmer on a bike.’

Alice and Kate are supposed to be having a meeting at The Lodge and, knock me down with a feather, Kate isn’t there. There is talk between Alice and Peggy about the rewilding project and Peg remarks that Phoebe is finding how reluctant farmers are to part with land. In answer to Alice’s question, Peggy confirms that, if the land acquisition targets aren’t met by Christmas, the PPR consortium will not be receiving any money.

Kate turns up and, upon being admonished by Alice for being late for the meeting, says “was that today?” Kate says that it’s all over with Jakob and she doesn’t want to see him again, plus she needs a camomile tea and a lie down. Peggy says that she’s heard quite enough about Kate’s love life and leaves.

I don’t know what the meeting between the sisters was supposed to be about, as (as Alice told Kate) they have been talking for 30 minutes and all Kate has done is bang on about Jakob. Alice goes further, saying that Kate is “stuck on” Jakob and pretending she doesn’t care. This is despite Kate having received a text from him and refusing to read it.

My favourite bit of the week is Kate telling her sister that Jakob seems to think that they can just carry on as before, but “I’m not one of those women who can be dropped and picked up again whenever a man feels like it.” My observation on this is that, OK, ‘dropped’ might be accurate, but ‘not picked up’ - who is she trying to kid? I think that she and Jazzer should get together, as they have a lot in common; especially a desire for a partner who has a pulse, if nothing else.

Ruairi Gets A History Lesson

Arthur Hughes (Ruairi Donovan)

Ruairi is conscious of a gaping void in his life as he comes across a photograph of Siobhan - his mother and Brian Aldrige’s mistress - and Elizabeth at Lower Loxley. Ruairi realises that he knows practically nothing about Siobhan and he can hardly raise the subject with Brian and Jennifer, so where to turn?

The answer is Elizabeth, who was Siobhan’s best friend and she and Ruairi spend a happy few hours looking at old photographs, while Elizabeth reminisces about her friend - how full of fun she was, even when she was terminally ill and how she wanted to ensure that Ruairi was cared for, after her death. Elizabeth shows Ruairi his mother’s favourite walks in the Lower Loxley grounds and takes a photo of him, holding Siobhan’s photograph. 

Will Ruari tell his father and stepmother about his visit to Lower Loxley and his talk with Elizabeth? He says not - while he loves them both and is appreciative of how good a stepmother Jennifer has been, he says that the subject of Siobhan is never raised and feels like a taboo area. Nevertheless, he thanks Elizabeth for what she has told him and she says that he can come round and talk to her about his mother whenever he likes.

Elizabeth then does something that would have been unthinkable a few weeks ago - plucking up her courage, she goes to see Brian and tells him about meeting Ruairi and how Brian’s son feels about his mother. Brian is taken aback and tells Elizabeth that he and Jennifer thought that keeping quiet was the best idea, but Elizabeth says that Ruairi is keeping his emotions bottled up and this cannot be good for him. Brian agrees that their approach was wrong and he will have to have a talk with Jenny. For her part, Elizabeth says that she will tell Ruairi about this conversation.

At first, Ruairi is annoyed, but, as he talks with Brian and Jen about Siobhan, he opens up. He feels that Siobhan is like a shadow, almost on the edge of things, while Brian says that Ruairi’s laugh is identical to his mother’s; a fact that Jennifer remarks that Brian has never said before. As she tells Elizabeth later, she found the fact that her husband still thinks about his erstwhile mistress from time to time hurtful, “but it’s part of the price I pay for staying with him, I suppose”, which makes you wonder why she bothers. Jen thanks Elizabeth for bringing the family together and says that Ruairi’s happiness has always been paramount. Elizabeth tells her that Ruairi loves her and that he told Elizabeth what a fantastic step mum Jennifer has been throughout his childhood.

Earlier we said that a few weeks ago, Elizabeth’s actions would have been impossible, due to her depression. But now, as she tells Jamila, her therapist, she feels so very much better and able to cope with these situations - so much so that she has stopped taking her medication for depression and this will be her last session with Jamila. Jamila is pleased with Elizabeth’s progress and gives her her blessing, asking how does she see her future? Elizabeth doesn’t know, but she wants to do something different at Lower Loxley this Christmas - “I just want to start living my own life again.”

And now a prediction - Joy Horville’s corpse will be found in an Ambridge ditch and the whole village is in the frame for her murder, with SgtB running out of pencils, taking statements from a myriad of suspects. The latest candidate is Peggy - she is minding her business at home, when Joy calls to try and get her interested in a sewing and craft session at the village hall. Peggy declines and says that she is getting the tangles out of Hilda’s fur and this is not a good time. “Oh, is my favourite cat around? I’ll have to pop in and say hello, won’t I?” Joy says. And this she does.

Soon, she is having a cuppa with Peggy, saying that she isn’t the sort of visitor who just drops in and then disappears. Unfortunately, it seems that Hilda is just that sort of cat, as she has vanished. Peggy is worried, as this is most Hilda-unlike behaviour, and Peggy roams the garden, calling her cat’s name. Joy says she will help and waves away Peggy’s suggestion that she goes home (“What are friends for?” she asks Peggy). Joy also remarks that Hilda vanished as soon as Joy turned up. “She was perfectly well until you got here“, Peggy says, a tad waspishly. Meanwhile, Joy unsettles Peggy even more by talking about how vulnerable Hilda would be to a careless driver and is she road aware?

Come the morning, Hilda still hasn’t returned and Peggy is at her wits’ end - Hilda has never stayed out all night before. Tony has done some shopping for his mother and tries to reassure her that this is ‘a cat thing’. “I’m not blaming Hilda - if my legs were as good as hers, I’d run a mile whenever I saw Joy coming.” The hunt for Hilda is spreading - Johnny has alerted social media, Tom and Helen are going to put posters up, but Tony says the trouble is finding a photo of the cat that does Hilda justice (presumably he means one without her snarling and without claws extended and dripping blood). We aren’t told if the Coastguard has been alerted. 

A bitter Peggy says “It wouldn’t hurt to print off a few warning notices about Joy Horville, so no-one else loses a whole afternoon to her endless tittle-tattle.” So, not a fan, then, Peggy?

The Grundys are overwhelmed by the reaction of the village to Joe’s death. Clarrie feels that it is all getting too much, what with the upcoming move to No. 1 The Green as well. Eddie agrees and manages to negotiate “a stay of execution” with Oliver, who must be privately wondering if he will ever get his house back. Perhaps Eddie should also have suggested installing a revolving door, so great is the number of visitors turning up at Grange Farm. In fact, so many people have brought them flowers and foodstuffs that they must be thinking of opening a florist-cum-deli. You will not be surprised to know that Jennifer brought along a steak pie - we have said before that she seems to roam the village, carrying dishes of food to give to various relatives and friends.

One surprising visitor was Susan. She brought roses and Clarrie invited her in. The two women immediately make up their present coolness towards each other and both apologise for their pig-headedness. “What a way to lose my best friend” says Clarrie, to which Susan replies “You haven’t” and Clarrie suggests that Joe must be looking after them and knocking some sense into their heads. Clarrie says she is so pleased that Susan called round.

Emma turns up with Keira and George and there is a ‘tug at the heartstrings’ moment when Keira says to Ed “I liked it when you came home every night, daddy” and Emma quickly changes the subject. Keira wants Ed to tell her the story about how Joe got Daphne the ferret stuck in his trousers as part of his magic act. Ed protests that he has told her the story at least fifty times, but Keira still laughs.

All week, Clarrie has been on at Eddie to get in touch with brother Alf and tell him about Joe. Eddie is dragging his feet, calling Alf a waste of space and reminding Clarrie that, last time Alf visited, he stole money from Clarrie’s purse and walked off with a few hundred quid from the church. Also, Alf hasn’t bothered to keep in touch, so why should Eddie put himself out to find him? “Because he’s family” Clarrie replies. Doesn’t make him a nice person though, does it? Eddie says he has rung every number he can think of, with no result, so his conscience is clear.

Jim Lloyd goes for a walk with Jazzer, who is appalled when they go past the pub. Jim says that walking promotes creative thinking and Jim finds himself on the horns of a dilemma. Thankfully, Jazzer doesn’t ask why Jim is getting involved with cows and Jim explains that, when he gave up the piano last year, Joe used his wiles to tempt him back into playing by making the Prof promise to play at his wake (Joe’s, not Jim’s, obviously).

What should Jim do? The thought of playing in public worries him, but he made a promise. Jazzer has a pragmatic solution - who else heard Jim promise? When Jim says “nobody” Jazzer says “There’s your answer - so don’t do it.” “But I’ll know” Jim replies. You and five million listeners, Jim. Later on in the week, Eddie reveals to Jazzer that Jim will play at Joe’s wake. Surprised, Jazzer asks if he seemed OK about it, so it looks as though Professor Lloyd will indeed be making his public musical debut.

Incidentally, Jim could be another suspect in the ‘who killed Joy Horville’ fantasy murder - she grabs hold of Jim and Jazzer, saying that she has seen an animal in distress and takes the pair to see an injured crow. Joy just won’t shut up about the time that daughter Rochelle looked after an injured bird and an exasperated Jim eventually tells her sharply to keep quiet. They take the stricken bird to Alistair’s surgery and eventually get rid of Joy. “She’s just lonely” Jim tells the others - yes, probably because people she talks to tend to top themselves after fifteen minutes or so.

Let us return to Grange Farm, where Jazzer has rocked up with a few cans of premium lager, so that he, Eddie and Ed can pay their respects to Joe in their own way. This is early morning, mark you, and Jazzer is on his way to work at Home Farm. They break out some cans and we hear the sound of a car and Alf’s cheerful voice saying “It’s brilliant - you’ve even got the beers ready for me!” The week ends and we wonder whether Eddie is going to greet his brother with something along the lines of ‘and have you got the £400 you nicked from the church, you thieving scum?’

Everybody Seems To Love Xander

Perdita Avery (Kate Madikane)

For a small bundle of joy, young Xander is having a profound effect on many inhabitants of Ambridge. Take Kate (please) – Ian goes ever so slightly spare when Adam tells him that Kate has taken Xander for a walk (and who could blame Ian?). Adam reminds him that Kate has much more experience of babies than the two men.

Be that as it may, Ian’s mind is not put at rest and he tracks Kate and Xander down to a yurt in Spiritual Home. Kate is besotted with her new nephew and Ian has a hard job to prise his son away from her. As Ian tells Adam later, Kate seems very broody, prompting Adam to observe that this could make things interesting for Jakob when he returns. Stop this storyline at once – the thought of Kate breeding again chills the blood.

Someone else who seems to be getting broody is Kirsty. She tells Philip that, even after her miscarriage, she always thought that she would have a child someday. There is a potential problem here, as Philip is around 60 and, as he tells Kirsty, he’s looking forward to having grandchildren and couldn’t countenance another child of his own. Despite this, the pair agree that they are happy as they are and should live for the moment – in fact, Philip suggests taking their wine upstairs.

It’s a good job that Philip doesn’t want a child, as the romantic moment is spoiled when neighbour Joy knocks on the door – all her electric has suddenly gone off and she doesn’t know what to do. Philip sorts it out and he and Kirsty are returning home when they realise that they have locked themselves out. Phil’s son has a spare set, but it will take him two hours to get there. To cap it all, it begins to rain and, with heavy heart, Kirsty and Phil ask Joy if they can come in for a bit. She is overjoyed and says enthusiastically “Come in, come in – let’s make a night of it.” Joy is rapidly moving ahead in ‘the most annoying neighbour’ stakes, but her constant popping round with cakes, or the latest tales of her granddaughter, should ensure that Phil and Kirsty remain childless.

Lexi went back to Bulgaria on Tuesday and Roy popped round to say his goodbyes. They talk about how things might have been and how they could have made a nice family. However, they agree that things have worked out for the best and they swear eternal friendship and Roy tells her that she is welcome in Ambridge any time and not to be a stranger. Speaking personally, I like Lexi and I hope that she does drop in every now and then, as it would be a pity if she vanished without trace – after all, she has played a big part in a number of lives and gave us Xander.

Toby is determined to get Boris the boar’s mojo working again and asks Kate if she can do anything for someone whose libido is flagging. Kate thinks he is talking about himself and starts banging on about essential oils and suchlike. When Toby reveals that he is talking about a pig, Kate is scandalised – she would never waste her talents on an animal, especially one whose job it is to produce more piglets that are destined for the slaughterhouse. Kate sends Toby away with a flea in his ear.

Undeterred, Tobes tries some DIY treatment. In practice, this means putting a lighted citronella candle (the only scented candle that the shop had) in Basil’s pen. A bit later, Rex notices that Basil is looking out of sorts and he asks Toby what has he done to Basil? It turns out that Toby gave Basil “a few apples” – when we say ‘a few’ we are talking half a sackful of cider apples and Rex realises that Basil is, in fact, one very drunk boar as the apples ferment inside him. Whatever, it seems to have done the trick, as Basil is now bonking anything that moves, and quite a few things that don’t.

Whether the Grundy’s cider has a similar effect, we will have to wait and see, as it’s pressing time. However, last week we learned that the press was missing a vital part and it looks like there will be no cider this season. Eddie is talking to Oliver, who makes a throwaway remark about the history behind the press and how it should be in a museum. A lightbulb goes off in Eddie’s head and next thing we know, Eddie and Edward have blagged their way into the hitherto-unknown exhibition of agricultural machinery on show at Lower Loxley.

Not only is there a cider press on show, but the part they want is exactly the right size and they enquire if they might have the part to rescue their cider-making. Elizabeth isn’t keen and tells them it is her job to protect and maintain the history of Ambridge and dismantling an exhibit goes against this.

It looks grim for the Grundys, but then Elizabeth says “To Hell with it!” and says that she has been wondering what Nigel would have wanted and came up with the answer that he would not have wanted a well-established rural tradition to come to an end, so they can have the part but she makes a condition – they have to film the press in operation so that visitors can see it working. The fact that Nigel was not averse to getting outside a pint or three of cider may have coloured Lizzie’s judgement – she was certainly moved by Eddie’s description of how much Joe was looking forward to this year’s pressing.

It is true that, according to those who were at the pressing later that evening, Joe seemed to be very happy and there was a glint in his eye and a smile on his face. The meeting turns into a bit of as party, with Lilian having ‘liberated’ some trays of sandwiches earmarked for a Damara corporate function. It was certainly a bit much for Joe, who went home early.

Eddie, Will and Ed are the last to leave and creep home, saying ‘goodnight’ to each other in hushed tones. Eddie notices that Joe’s light is still on and goes to see if his father is OK. Joe has died in his sleep, clutching the photograph of his wife Susan and Eddie sits and talks to him, saying that they were never as tactile as Will and Ed are with their children and, begging his dad’s pardon for this one time, Eddie kisses Joe on the forehead as he says his goodbyes. And so an era comes to an end for the Grundys.

Over at Lower Loxley, Ruairi seeks out Elizabeth for some information. He was sorting through some stuff and came across a photograph of his mother Siobhan. He realises that he knows very little about her, as she died young and, because Ruairi is Siobhan and Brian’s illegitimate child, she is never mentioned by Brian or Jennifer. Ruairi stresses that Jennifer did a wonderful thing in accepting Ruairi as her own child, but he would like to know more about his mother and he has heard that Siobhan and Elizabeth were the best of friends – indeed, Elizabeth and Siobhan are together in the photo that Ruairi found.

Elizabeth confirms this fact and asks Ruairi if he would like to pop over from time to time and they agree to look at Lizzie’s photographs and share her memories.

Life at Grange Farm will seem very strange for the Grundys with Joe gone and they keep saying how they cannot get their heads round the fact that he’s no longer there. Clarrie has a moment of panic when she cannot find Will and she realises that he has gone for a walk down by the river – what might he do in his present frame of mind?

Ed offers to help her look for him and they find him feeding Joe’s ferrets. Later on, the three male Grundys are in the field, tending to Bartleby and Gem. As they talk of their memories of Joe, they agree that they will keep the horses. Will is troubled – how is he going to explain to Poppy what has happened to her great grandfather – he can hardly believe it himself?

As Subtle As A Brick Through A Window…

Charles Collingwood (Brian Aldridge)

Brian Aldridge is concerned about his wife Jennifer - her capacity to grab hold of the wrong end of the stick appears to be limitless and her ability to weave a fantasy from thin air is breathtaking in the extreme. Take last week - she is convinced that Lexi isn’t going to return to Bulgaria; “All the signs are there” she tells her husband and Brian’s response is to tell her to pull herself together.

Jennifer pops round to see Ian and baby Xander. Helen is there and Ian admits that he feels very much as the third in line with his son - Lexi is Xander’s mother, Adam is the biological father and then comes Ian. He confesses to being emotional (the poor sod isn’t getting much sleep, which doesn’t help) and Helen reassures him that he will be a great dad and that he has already bonded with Xander.

Not in Jennifer’s fevered imagination he hasn’t, as she tells Brian that Ian was emotional  “and it’s all down to Lexi?” “Did he say that?” Brian asks, surprised. “Not in so many words, but he’s getting anxious” Jen replies. Brian says that she’s getting worked up about nothing, but in what passes for Jen’s mind, Ian and Adam have put their hearts and souls into this pregnancy and they are totally happy “and it could all be snatched away from them.” Lexi could come back and take Xander, so what, she asks her husband, should they do about it?

Brian has an idea and goes round to see Lexi. He mentions that Debbie has years of experience of working in Eastern Europe and has built up a load of contacts in a variety of industries, including the best hotel in Sofia. Perhaps they could put in a good word for Lexi when she returns home and is looking for a job? The fact that Debbie is based in Hungary, not Bulgaria, seems to be irrelevant and Brian says he’ll forward Lexi’s contact details to Debbie.

Lexi is grateful for Brian’s attention, but points out that moving to Sofia would mean a lot of upheaval for her and her two daughters, plus it would mean more expense and a higher cost of living. No problem, Brian tells her - he and Jennifer would be only too pleased to help out with expenses after what Lexi has done for their family. In fact, as luck would have it, he believes that he has his cheque book with him today and he agrees that moving house can indeed be an expensive business.

As the penny drops, Lexi is stunned and accuses Brian of trying to buy her off, which is illegal. She realises that Brian and Jen are fearful that she wants to keep Xander - if that were the case, why didn’t she just stay in Bulgaria to give birth? Lexi spells out to Brian that she did what she did because Ian and Adam are her friends and she wanted them to be happy. Brian is embarrassed and apologises to Lexi for ’the misunderstanding’. In icy tones, Lexi asks him politely to leave.

Unfortunately, we were not privy to how Brian broke the news of his debacle to Jennifer, but the next day Ian turns up, with baby Xander, and tells Jennifer that he had an angry Lexi on the phone for an hour earlier and when is Brian coming home? Ian is one of the nicer people in Ambridge, but he is not a happy bunny and, when Brian does return, Ian asks him straight out whether he tried to buy Lexi off? Brian says that he was offering her reasonable expenses, but Ian reports that Lexi is very, very unhappy.

Brian says that Jen was worried sick over the weekend and, as if to demonstrate that she still has only a tenuous grip on reality, she asks Ian if he’s sure that Lexi won’t change her mind about Xander? Ian’s response is that, throughout the process, he and Adam have had complete trust in Lexi and, when Jen reminds him that Lexi still has rights, he replies that Lexi’s commitment has never once wavered. 

Jen seems to have come to her senses and, in a contrite voice, she says that she just couldn’t bear to see it all spiral out of control. Ian retorts that the only thing out of control was all in Jen’s head and, furthermore, she and Brian have offended the very person who made all this possible. Brian asks if he should go to see Lexi and apologise, but Jen accepts responsibility for the whole mess (better late than never, I suppose). “I should never have interfered” she says in a quiet voice.

Suffice it to say that Jen does meet - and apologises to - Lexi, who says that Jen has never once considered the whole surrogacy thing from Lexi’s perspective - what if Adam and Ian had changed their minds? What if the baby had not been born healthy? Lexi says that she did it for her friends; not for money, or a job. Jen says that she is sure that Adam and Ian will be wonderful fathers to Xander. “And that is why I did it” Lexi replies. Hang your head in shame, Jennifer.

And now the good news - Ed Grundy is at Hollowtree and, in passing, he mentions that, this year, there will be no Christmas extravaganza from Lynda Snell “So we can relax and enjoy ourselves this year” Ed tells his friends. Tracy also told Elizabeth, Russ and Lily the same story but, personally, I’ll believe it when I’m not seeing it, if you catch my drift - we have had the cup of hope dashed from our lips too many times before to get our hopes up.

Over at Grange Farm, Clarrie is smothering her two sons with love, doing everything for them except wiping their bottoms. This is getting on Ed’s nerves, but Will is enjoying being pampered and berates his brother for being ungrateful. But soon, the pair have other, pressing (pun intended) problems, as they are processing apples for this year’s cider crop and, how can we put this?, they cock it up and the main screw on the cider press breaks. The press is even older than Joe and the boys are not optimistic for the future of the Cider Club. Eddie turns up and waxes Messianic, saying that the press is “a ray of hope” for the village and “whatever it takes lads, we’ve got to find a way to get the cider flowing again.”

Last week was when we learned the result of the bids for Crowther’s abattoir. Justin wonders if he should up his sealed bid and tries to tempt Lilian into investing. She declines, as she has been dead set against Justin’s plans to use the site for office development. Lilian is putting in a shift at The Bull and the obnoxious Vince Casey is buying rounds for his friends to celebrate what he is convinced will be his victory in buying Crowther’s. 

As it turns out, Vince does indeed win and he implies that he has a contact on the inside and that he knew that Justin’s bid was for property development, rather than the abattoir as a going concern. On learning the result, a despondent David goes home, having thrown his support behind what he believed was Justin’s bid for an abattoir as a going concern.

Lilian is relieved by the result, but Vince hasn’t finished making mischief yet. David goes to see Justin and accuses him of putting in a bid for property development; in effect misleading David and his fellow supporters. Justin says that David made his own assumptions. “So what do we do when Casey starts charging whatever he likes?” David asks. “That’s up to him, I’m afraid” Justin says, unhelpfully. 

David suggests that Justin has not played quite straight and reminds him that he is living in their community. “I thought Casey was a nasty piece of work - but you, Justin - I’ll never trust you again - and nor will anyone else in Ambridge.” David asked Lilian if she knew about this and she admits that she did, but she never approved Justin’s plans, nor did she help him. 

I think we can safely assume that Justin and Lilian will not be among the first people to be invited to sit round the Brookfield dining table on Christmas Day.

Justin featured in a number of stories last week. One of these involved Hannah, who is getting fed up with a leaking gutter (it has been leaking since Easter). She complains to Neil, who says it is on his ‘to do’ list, but he is waiting for a cherry picker, so that all gutters can be cleaned in one go.

‘Sod that’ thinks Hannah and Neil is horrified to see her on a 20ft ladder, on her own, cleaning out said gutter. He tells her that she is in breach of about 900 Health & Safety rules and could have been seriously injured, but she says that a) she’s ok and b) the gutter is clear, so it’s a win-win situation. Unfortunately, she falls over a pothole in the yard and cuts her head, necessitating a visit to A&E. 

Neil drives her there and comes across Hannah on the phone to Justin, filling him in on the day’s events. Sadly for Neil, the pothole was another thing on Neil’s ‘to do’ list and Justin is not happy, as he makes plain to Neil. Neil points out that Hannah was being “reckless and foolhardy” and perhaps he should have sacked her. No way, says Justin, and blames Neil’s poor management, adding: “I’ll be keeping a very close eye on Berrow Farm for the foreseeable future - is that understood? And by that, I mean you.” It could have been worse for Neil, as this all happened before Justin had his run-in with David; had it been afterwards, no doubt Justin’s mood would have been even less charitable.

However, perhaps there is another opportunity opening up for Neil. If you remember, Rex is having trouble with his boar, Boris, who is showing absolutely no interest in the opposite sex. Various people have made suggestions to remedy the situation, with Rex moving a sow into Boris’s pen, all to no avail. Rex and Pip talk about what to do, with Pip saying “Have you tried Neil again?” Call me old-fashioned, but I can’t help feeling that Boris would much prefer a pig.

I Hope You’ve Got Deep Pockets, Vince

Tony Turner (Vince Casey)

Meat magnate Vince Casey is up to no good - he has become aware that Justin has expressed an interest in bidding for Crowther’s; the abattoir that has gone into administration, but what are Justin’s plans? Vince hatches a cunning plan, which involves phoning Lilian and inviting her for a ‘thank you’ lunch at the Feathers for giving him advice about his daughter’s new pony. He got her number from Shula and, while we are on the subject, doesn’t that mean that Shula has breached GDPR guidelines?

Lilian is full of the news about Lexi’s new baby (of which more later) and keeps talking. Eventually she shuts up and Vince suggests that they order another bottle (they haven’t seen the lunch menu yet). He tries to ask her questions about Justin’s intentions vis-à-vis Crowther’s but she is evasive. Later on, she returns home and tells Justin (who asks if she has been wetting the baby’s head) that she has had lunch with Vince and that he seemed interested in Justin and Crowther’s, but she told him nothing. A concerned Justin wonders why Vince should be interested, but Lilian has fallen asleep. There you have it Vince - if you are to pursue this strategy of plying Lilian with alcohol, then you’d better take out a bank loan.

And so to the big story of the week - I refer of course to Leonard entering Doris’s Scrap Cakes into the unusual bake section of the Flower & Produce Show. Jill is paranoid that he might win (she is one of the judges) and that she would be accused of nepotism and tarred and feathered, or disembowelled, or something. She tries to get Ian (the other judge) on her side, but he takes an urgent phone call and has to bow out of the whole process, leaving the building in haste.

Never mind - he tells Jill that Peggy can stand in as judge. Jill is terrified, especially as Peg is making complimentary comments about the Scrap Cakes, and Jill rubbishes them, calling them uncooked and “a greasy lump of dough”. As it turned out, she needn’t have worried, as Leonard’s efforts were awarded third place and the tar is allowed to cool down.

So why did Ian disappear with such unseemly haste? His phone call was from Kirsty, telling him that Lexi’s waters have just broken (all over Kirsty’s new rug, incidentally) and Kirsty drives him and Lexi to hospital, where Lexi’s labour begins. Kirsty, Adam, Ian and - inevitably - Jennifer are in the waiting room and Jenny is in a bit of a state; her misgivings not helped by the fact that the midwife is a man called Brett - what on earth can a man know about childbirth? The clue is in the word ‘midwife’ Jennifer.

It turns out to be a difficult labour (11 hours in all) and Jennifer is quickly becoming paranoid, reading sinister interpretations into every word and action. For example; Brett tells the waiting foursome that Lexi has requested just one birthing partner, and that one is Kirsty. This is not the pre-planned birthing plan (both dads were due to be there) and Jen is thunderstruck and suspicious - why is Lexi changing things? And Jen immediately jumps to the conclusion that Lexi will want to keep the baby for herself and freeze out the Aldridges.

Kirsty comes out of the birthing room to tell Adam and Ian that they have a beautiful baby son and they go in to see him, joined later by Jenny and Kirsty. As everybody is oohing and aahing over the newborn, the situation becomes farcical as Jenny strives to keep Lexi and her baby separate. Ian suggests that Lexi might want to hold her son, but Jen is reluctant to let him go. “Give the baby to Lexi” Adam says. “Is that a good idea?” his mother asks.

If Jenny had her way, Lexi would be on the next plane to Bulgaria, having signed a sworn affidavit that she never wants to see the child again. As it is, a few days later, Lexi visits Honeysuckle and reassures the boys that the baby was always going to be theirs and she is just pleased to have given them such happiness.

Jennifer continues to build the case against Lexi and, when Brian suggests that Adam and Ian have moved on from events such as the change of birth plans and Lexi moving out of Honeysuckle, a near-hysterical Jen says “Yes - that’s because they’re ignoring the red flags. Am I the only one to see where this is heading?” Jen had a conversation with Roy and apparently Lexi is “an emotional wreck.” “Roy said that?” Brian asks, astonished. “He didn’t need to” Jen replies, adding that she is sick with worry.

For God’s sake woman! Let’s just suppose that Jen is right and Lexi decides to keep the child, then there’s nothing she can do about it, so why not trust Lexi to do what she said she would? All this trying to keep Lexi away might just push her into doing exactly what Jennifer fears, so just shut up and try to behave like a rational human being. (As if). The parental order, naming Adam and Ian as parents, has to be declared legal by the court and this process cannot start for another six weeks. Jen is terrified that this will give Lexi a long time to bond with him and change her mind. Jen’s paranoia and suspicions of an ulterior motive are fanned to fever pitch when Adam and Ian call to say that they have chosen a name for their son. They wanted to pay tribute to the person who was instrumental in giving them this happiness, so the boy will be called “Alexander” (Lexi’s first name is Alexandra) and he will be known as “Xander”. This is more fuel for Jen’s paranoia - we assume she thought that Lexi had a hand in choosing the name (she didn’t) and you can imagine the high-pitched screams emanating from the Aldridge kitchen as she believes that this is yet another indication of what she believes is a plot to deprive her of her new grandson. Please - somebody tell her to get a grip before she ruins everything.

Over at Brookfield, Rooooth and Pip are still sniping at each other over the Rewilding project, with Rooooth saying that, with that and the time Pip spends with Rosie, Pip’s contribution to the day-to-day running of the farm has slipped recently. Pip, who has been trying to hold out an olive branch to her mother, which included making her breakfast, suddenly snaps and flounces out, saying “Get your own toast.”

Things calm down later and Pip reports that she and Toby have come up with a plan to better utilise their time and childcare. This will entail Rosie going to nursery a couple of mornings a week. “Gran [Jill] won’t be impressed” Pip says, but this is a logical solution. My comment on that is that, if Jill is unimpressed, then let her look after the toddler two mornings a week.

The birth of Xander had other, unforeseen, consequences for the Grundy household, where Eddie, in his usual, undiplomatic, bull-at-a-gate way, is trying to persuade Will to give up game keeping, despite the fact that, should he do so, he would lose his tied cottage. This would mean that he would presumably want No. 1 The Green back, so where would Eddie, Clarrie and Ed live? But this is by the by - Eddie’s main argument is along the lines of ‘we’re worried that you might top yourself with the shotgun.’ Will points out that, if he were so minded, then they would have to hide all sharp objects, or alternatively, he could just drive his car into a tree.

Will goes out for a walk to clear his head and he comes across Xander, being pushed in his buggy by Ian. There is much talk about babies and how dependant they are upon their families. Ian confesses that the responsibility scares him sometimes, but he realises that he’d do anything to keep his new son safe. In a Damascene-like moment, Will too realises that he would do anything to protect his children and he returns home to tell his parents that he has resigned as gamekeeper - the chat with Ian showed Will how much Poppy needs him. “I was in a bad place last week and if it ever happens again, I want my family closer to hand than a shotgun.” Will says. Delighted and relieved, Clarrie and Eddie tell their son how proud they are of him.

Let’s revisit the Vince/Justin/Lilian/Crowther’s scenario. Justin, as we know, is interested in bidding for the abattoir and he took David with him for a look round. Lilian was uncomfortable with this, as David believes that Justin is interested in the business as an abattoir, whereas he sees it as an office development project and he isn’t in a hurry to correct David’s misapprehension, telling Lilian that all’s fair in love, war and business.

On Thursday, Justin sets aside some ’me time’ and goes to get his eye in with some clays, ahead of the new season. By coincidence (?) Vince is there for the same reason and soon attaches himself to Justin. Justin says don’t let’s play games and the subject of Crowther’s crops up. Vince lets it be known that he is interested and warns Justin not to meddle with the big boys. He also told Justin what good company Lilian was when they lunched together.

Vince really begins to get on Justin’s nerves, criticising his technique, and there is no doubt that Vince is trying his best to put Justin off. A distinctly-annoyed Justin returns home and gets himself a scotch or two. Was Vince’s presence at the shoot just a coincidence he muses? Lilian says that it had nothing to do with her.

Justin senses a possible opportunity to make mischief, saying that Vince has thrown down the gauntlet. Would Lilian like to have lunch with Vince on the odd occasion - she could drop the odd nugget of misinformation into the conversation? Lilian isn’t keen: “What am I to you - some operative who you can drop behind enemy lines?” Lilian goes further, telling Justin that she has heard that Vince can be quite ruthless and maybe Justin would be better off walking away from the Crowther’s deal altogether, which is her preferred solution, of course. If not, says Lilian, she thinks that it is her that would be dealing with the fallout, “as usual.”

Finally, Rex is having trouble with Basil the boar, who steadfastly refuses to do what a boar’s supposed to do when the sows are around - he’d rather relax in his wallow. I reckon what Basil needs is an experienced stud to show him exactly what he should be doing, so step forward Toby Fairbrother - cometh the hour, cometh the man.

Ian’s Man On The Inside

Stephen Kennedy (Ian Craig)

Oliver is minded to take Tracy’s advice and give Freddie the job of kitchen porter, and Ian has strong views on the subject: “No way” he tells his boss, adding that he hasn’t got time to discuss it at the moment - he has Sunday lunch to serve.

That evening, a well-refreshed Oliver returns to Grey Gables, where Ian is still at work. Oliver is looking for his supper (must be nice to have your meals cooked for you, but then again, he does own the place, I suppose) and once again brings up the subject of Freddie - if they won’t give him a chance, then who will? Oliver tells Ian that he would have total control and, should Freddie step out of line, or not cut the mustard, then Ian can get rid of him. 

Against his better judgement, Ian agrees to a one-shift trial, but he still harbours grave doubts. Adam tells him to trust Oliver’s judgement and he’s sure Freddie will behave himself. Incidentally, Adam tells Ian to trust Kathy’s judgement too, which begs the question where the hell has she been hiding for the past month or two? Not to mention Jamie. 

As Ian is going on paternity leave for a year, Grey Gables will need a replacement - or, as Ian calls it, a stand-in - and Oliver reveals that they have hired Hugh, the chef from Lower Loxley. Ian and Hugh are fierce rivals and Ian cannot stand the man, as he tells Freddie. Ian is giving Freddie a bollocking for getting some scones out of the freezer without being told (he has already had Freddie in his office and told him how unhappy he is to have a convicted drug dealer in his kitchen) but it turns out that Freddie has done the right thing, as the scones are needed for a breakfast meeting on the morrow and there was no time to bake any more.

Ian apologises to Freddie and thanks him for saving his back. It is here that he tells Freddie how he dislikes Hugh and Freddie admits that he has little time for the Lower Loxley chef either. Ian says that Freddie can keep working at Grey Gables and Freddie suggests that he could be Ian’s man on the inside; keeping Ian informed if Hugh makes any changes to the running of his kitchen, or if things start to go wrong. Ian will know about it right away. “Freddie - you’re on!” Ian tells him. 

A bit of a U-turn there from the Grey Gables chef, but if you think about it, Freddie is the obvious man to be Ian’s person on the inside - after all, he has had a lot of experience recently of being inside. Who said that crime doesn’t pay?

Someone else who might be questioning Oliver’s judgement is Lynda. She was very sniffy about Tracy’s suggestion of having dinner entertainment at Grey Gables, but Oliver was intrigued - so much so that he acquired two tickets for a do at a local hotel. As a reward for coming up with the idea, he invites Tracy to accompany him. The pair have a great time (Tracy got a new dress for the occasion, but it’s going back to the shop tomorrow) and Oliver says he will try and book the entertainers for an evening at Grey Gables. Lynda will be pleased.

Mind you, Lynda is something of a village heroine - on Sunday it was the last cricket match of the season, a grudge match against Darrington for the runners-up spot. It is a nail-biting finish and Ambridge’s last man is trapped lbw, with two runs needed to win. However, Lynda has been videoing the game and she points out that it should have been called a no ball and she has video proof. She persuades Bert to reverse his ‘out’ decision (I bet Darrington were pleased) and Ambridge went on to win. 

In the pub afterwards, people are falling over themselves to buy her drinks (this impromptu celebration was the reason that we described Oliver as ‘well-refreshed’ earlier) and the praise goes to Lynda’s head. Lynda has had a great idea - why doesn’t she train as an umpire? She goes off to tell Chris and SgtB of her idea and David and Oliver ponder the possible future. “Lynda Snell as an umpire?” David asks. “What have we done?” answers Oliver.

As regular readers will know, I am not one of Kate’s greatest fans, but I had to take my hat off to her last week. You may recall that she told Jakob that she is a carer for her poorly gran and, consequently, Jakob makes sure that Kate is home by 9.30 every night. Kate complains to Peggy - she’d like to spend the night with Jakob. Peggy tells her that she’s always welcome to have a friend stay over, and here Kate gets embarrassed, saying that she likes to participate fully in everything she does and the presence of her gran in the next room would only dampen her ardour. “I could always take my hearing aids out” Peggy tells her, helpfully.

Next evening, Peggy notices that Kate is all glammed up - not only that, but she has an overnight bag and is going to stay the night at Jakob‘s: what has happened to Jakob’s concern? That’s OK, says Kate - Jakob has come up with a solution and found Peg a carer, who will stay with her this evening and come round again in the morning. Peggy protests that she doesn’t want anyone in her house and accuses Kate of deliberately leaving it too late for Peggy to do anything about it. Just then, the doorbell rings and Kate goes, saying cheerily “The carer’s name is Joy Horville, by the way.”

Next day, Emma is cleaning at The Lodge (I thought that was Kate’s job?) and she remarks that Peg seems out of sorts. Peg asks if Emma knows a Joy Horville, because she just wouldn’t stop talking last night and Peggy thinks she knows more about Joy’s daughter than she does her own family. Kate then returns, humming and singing. A disgruntled Peg asks her if she had a nice evening? “Very nice” Kate replies, adding; “And this morning wasn’t bad either.” She asks Peg about her evening and Peg fills her in. When Kate says that it might be better next time, Peggy says there won’t be a next time and, next time Jakob comes round, he’ll find Peggy has made a miraculous recovery. “I take it there will be a next time?” Peggy asks. “Oh yes, definitely,” replies her granddaughter. “I really like him - really like him.”

Later that day, Kate is blundering about in the kitchen, making a lot of noise and obviously in a foul mood. What’s going on? Jakob has announced that he’s going to Sweden to see his family - and he’s going for a month. “We’ve obviously got nothing in common” Kate storms. “I don’t know dear,” replies Peggy, “You might have more in common than you realise.”

To nobody’s surprise, Lily tells Elizabeth that she is not going back to Uni. Her mother is appalled, but Lily is adamant - she’s happy the way things are; she’s making good money and she never really liked Manchester much; she and Russ had no friends and she wasn’t enjoying the course. Lizzie asks what Russ thinks and Lily replies that he will support her decision, whatever it is. Finally, Elizabeth realises that her daughter’s mind is made up and she gives her her blessing.

If Brian isn’t careful, he will be getting a reputation as a bringer of ill omens. Firstly, he listened to David’s plans for the Hassett Hills co-op to purchase Crowther’s, the local abattoir, which has gone into administration. Perhaps he could get BL interested in a partnership? ’No’ is the short answer; the Board isn’t interested, as it doesn’t have the relevant expertise. However, Brian tells David, Justin did express some personal interest. As a result, David and Justin get permission to have a look round Crowther’s and David is optimistic, despite being warned by Justin that he’s not looking for a joint venture with H-H. Back home, Justin tells Lilian that he thinks that he will submit a bid, as Crowther’s represents an investment opportunity. “What, as an abattoir?” asks a startled Lilian. “I’ve no intention of keeping it as an abattoir,” Justin replies, “It’s the perfect location for an office development.” Not a good birthday present for David’s 60^th, although he did go to see Dr Feelgood live, which I suppose some would view as a bonus. 

Brian’s next message of doom concerns Will. Eddie confides the whole story of Will and the shotgun and how Eddie believes that the only answer is for Will to give up the job, as he shouldn’t be allowed to be around firearms. He just wants to save Will from himself, as Will seems to think that he’ll be right as rain after a couple of weeks. Could Brian see his way to asking BL Chairman Martyn Gibson to give Will his cards? Brian asks, without disclosing all the details, and it turns out that Martyn thinks Will is doing a good job and won’t countenance the idea. Sorry Eddie.

It doesn’t seem to have occurred to Eddie that his eldest son is depressed and that game keeping is his life and all he has ever wanted to do, and taking that away from him is hardly likely to make him feel better, or improve his mood. Perhaps time to try and come up with a Plan B Eddie.

On Friday, David returns home to find Leonard in Brookfield’s kitchen, dressed in an apron, and in the middle of preparing a recipe. The plan is for him to practise making Jill’s Scrap Cake recipe, to be entered into the F&P show as a surprise for Jill. The omens are not good, as Leonard has never cooked on a range before and he spills a bag of flour. “It’s got four ovens - which do I use for baking?” he asks David, which is about as much use as asking Tracy to summarise Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. Despite this, the end result looks and smells fantastic and both men are impressed and delighted.

Let us return to where we started, with Freddie’s offer to be a fifth columnist for Ian at Grey Gables. As we are creeping ever nearer to Christmas, it occurs to me that, should Freddie keep his job and should he then be promoted to the processed meat section, then he could be called a mince spy. Sorry about that.