Still, What Did You Expect?

Tim Bentinck (David Archer)

Let’s begin at the end of the week. It looks like Toby has got his act together over use of the botanicals to flavour his gin and the latest batch is very drinkable. Toby takes a bottle to Lynda and Robert to say ‘thank you’ for letting him use herbs from their garden, although Lynda sniffily points out that Toby actually filched them when she and Robert were away. Never mind! The gin gets the Snell seal of approval and Robert suggests calling it ‘Scruff’ instead of ‘Toby’s Gin’, which is the blockbuster of a name that Toby came up with. How these marketing geniuses do it is beyond me.

By Thursday, there’s another batch ready for tasting and Pip asks if it matters that it tastes different from the previous batch. Toby confidently replies that it just proves that it is an artisan drink and it doesn’t matter. On Friday, David tells Pip that he thinks Toby is just a freeloader who does vanity projects and, Pip defends her lover, conveniently forgetting that, earlier in the week, Toby had asked her for money, as he’s broke. David is not convinced when Pip says that Toby will come good one day and he says “If he showed half the commitment of his brother Rex, I might believe in him.” Pip goes off in a huff and David says (to himself) “Oh Pip, why can’t you see what everyone else can?”

Later on that day, Alistair is at Brookfield, ministering to a cow with mastitis and he casually enquires “Have you heard Toby’s latest idea?” “Go on, surprise me” says David, gloomily. I think we can safely surmise that he was, indeed, surprised, as we next hear him banging on the door of Rickyard Cottage, yelling “Pip!” at the top of his voice. Pip lets him in and he is furious, demanding to know where is the still? Toby tells Pip that he can deal with this and he informs David that they haven’t sold a drop and all that they have made has been for personal consumption and that of friends. This does nothing to calm David down and he points out that Toby was down The Bull, dishing out gin and tapping up Kenton as to possible future sales. Witheringly, David also says that he has done some research on the Internet – which Toby patently hasn’t – and it is an offence to operate a still and not charging for it is irrelevant.

Still incandescent, David offers an ultimatum – get rid of the still immediately or he will give them notice to quit. “You can’t do that!” Pip protests, but David is implacable, saying: “I’ve no choice Pip – either the still goes or you both do; it’s as simple as that.” So, another Toby Fairbrother idea goes nads up – he’s a bit like a younger, upper class Joe Grundy when it comes to things commercial. God only knows what sort of banker he was. As an aside here, for Clarrie and Eddies 35^th wedding anniversary, they were served a meal (turkey, what else?) in the Cider Club shed and Joe offered Clarrie apple juice, cider or apple brandy – wouldn’t making apple brandy require the use of a still?

Elsewhere, Rob continues to cast a long shadow. He returns a scarf to Lilian that he found when collecting papers from the Dower House and he has put two and two together about her and Justin. “It always pays to be discreet” he tells her, but she pretends that she has no idea what he’s talking about. On Wednesday, when Rob has his midweek hour with Jack, he tells Tony about Lilian and Justin and Tony says that he already knew, but deep down, he is shocked. When he and Lilian eventually meet up, he asks her how could she do such a thing – how could she have an affair with the man who hired Rob; “the man who raped and abused Helen?” Lilian answers that she pleaded with Justin not to hire Rob, but he insisted it was just a business decision. The conversation is intense and Lilian is sobbing, when Tony suddenly realises that this is exactly what Rob wants; to drive the family apart, but Tony won’t let it happen. “Maybe we can use this to our advantage” he says, enigmatically.

The psychologist has completed her report on Rob and it is a damning document, as we find out when Pat and Helen read it. It describes Rob as ‘narcissistic’, ‘exploitative’, ‘self-important’ and ‘with no concern about other people’s feelings or the consequences of his actions.’ Furthermore, ‘he remains harmful to others’ and the psychologist recommends that Rob’s future contact with Jack should continue to be supervised and should be cut to once a month, or maybe even less, ‘due to the level of psychological and emotional harm that Mr Titchener poses’.

Rob seeks out Alan for a talk and he immediately rubbishes the report as a pack of lies and that the psychologist was obviously manipulated by Helen “And all those damned Archers together.” Demonstrating his acute aptitude for picking up on nuances, Alan replies “So, you’re not happy with it?” Don’t know why you think that, vicar. Alan tries to get Rob to consider forgiveness and suggests that he and Helen should channel their love for Jack into being good parents. “There is no way I will ever forgive Helen” is Rob’s answer. Better look for a plan B, Alan.

There was one nice moment when, during Rob’s hour in the tearoom with Jack, the baby won’t stop crying and Rob demonstrates that, when it comes to being a parent, he’s about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike. He refuses to give jack a dummy (“it’s just an excuse for a lazy parent”) and won’t listen to Tony when he says that Jack is teething. Rob angrily describes the tearoom as a totally unsuitable place for his contact visits and, having by this time had more than enough, Tony’s killer reply is “Well, when your contact goes back to once a month, it won’t be such a problem, will it?”

Earlier, we mentioned Clarrie and Eddie’s 35^th wedding anniversary and we learned the importance of doing thorough research. He bought her a conch, because it was the nearest he could get to coral, while she bought him jade cufflinks, thinking that a 35^th anniversary was jade (it isn’t – for once Eddie was right and it is coral). While on the subject of Eddie’s cufflinks, I suppose he’ll have to save up till he’s got a shirt to wear them with. As part of her present, Eddie drove Clarrie to Barmouth, of which she had fond childhood memories, playing on the beach. Emma had packed them a hamper, which was apparently very nice and, while strolling on the beach, Eddie suggested ice creams. Clarrie’s response was that it’s a bit cold, but she’d welcome a bag of chips. The hamper couldn’t have been that substantial then. Personally, I can’t see the attraction in walking along the sea front in late November, but each to his own, I suppose. Clarrie was disappointed that there were no donkeys, as she remembered from her youth, but presumably the donkeys breathed a sigh of relief that they wouldn’t have to transport a middle-aged matron up and down the beach in the depths of autumn.

Alistair and Anisha are moving closer to a partnership, as she has had the business valued and Alistair admits that her figure “is in the ball park” and he has instructed his accountant to open formal talks. She joins him for a drink in the pub, where she learns that he is related to half the village. Alistair replies that “It’s a very small world round here and secrets can be hard to keep. Now, I might be reading too much into this, but are we being prepared for a future romantic involvement, do you think?

Another big story of the week concerned Adam’s herbal leys and Pip’s mob grazing cattle. Sunday was Brian’s birthday and Adam and Ian got him a bottle of Japanese whisky, which was received with a certain amount of suspicion. Brian also told Adam that he wanted to have a talk about the whole mob grazing/herbal leys/no-till agriculture situation.

‘Talk’ is a bit misleading, as Brian makes it plain that he thinks the whole system should be wound up – it is experimental, it is not producing results and it is unprofitable. Adam is distraught and brings out all the arguments about how it is a long-term solution to improve the soil and going back to high-input agriculture is not the answer. Brian cocks a deaf ‘un and, when Adam asks if he has made his mind up, says “Let’s just say that mob grazing and the herbal leys are on borrowed time.”

Adam is not the only person devastated by Brian’s attitude, as, when Adam tells Pip (whose cattle do the mob grazing) she says “He can’t do that!” Afraid he can, Pip. She asks Adam if she should talk to Brian, but he says, despondently, that it won’t do any good, as Brian isn’t known for changing his mind. Still, there is a faint ray of hope, as Brian has agreed to let the leys be until after the winter so, should there be a miraculous increase in productivity and soil quality, they might be saved after all. Of course, Brian is getting on a bit and, if the coming winter is as severe as some are predicting, or if he has a reaction to the Japanese whisky, then he might not make it to spring and the leys might be saved.

Lynda’s On The Prowl

Carole Boyd (Lynda Snell)

Kate goes round to see Lynda to break the news that Mother Goose is proving impossible to cast and wants to organize a talent show instead. She blames Alice to whom she ‘delegated’ responsibility for casting, and Lynda for going away for 3 weeks and not leaving a script, before landing the coup de grace – the only person they could find to play Mother Goose is Nathan Booth. Lynda’s at the point of giving up, when Robert squanders yet another opportunity to kill off the Christmas show by making her a calming cup of chamomile tea and reminding her that she’s at her best when faced with adversity. The man has form in this area and it’s about time something was done about him.

So Lynda goes into recruitment overdrive, and in no time has signed up Susan for the Queen of Gooseland in the Christmas show. Emma’s wavering about Keira and George too, even though Eddie previously banned them from taking part. It look’s like she’s hooked Roy to play Mother Goose’s son Colin and Kirsty seems to be a shoe-in for love-interest Colinette, but isn’t so sure when she finds out that Lynda has earmarked Justin to play her father, the Demon Squire. When Kirsty complains that Justin’s just as bad as Rob (I wouldn’t go quite that far) Lynda suggests she use her feelings against him to inform her role.

Over at the tearoom Rob’s trying to get Tony to agree to make changes to his regular contact with baby Jack/Gideon, as his work will make it difficult to maintain the regular schedule. Tony’s sticking to his guns and tells Rob that he’ll have to rearrange his work commitments instead. As he leaves, Rob tells Tony that he’ll see him next week, but at 08:30 – before the tearoom opens. “Not my problem” is Rob’s response when Tony points this out, and counters that the court may view him as being obstructive. This last remark seems to have had the desired effect, as later on Tony tells Pat and Peggy that either Fallon or Emma will open the tearoom especially early.

Eddie’s agonizing over how he’ll mark his and Clarrie’s 35^th wedding anniversary, what with having no money and with Kenton recently taking Jolene away to a ‘swanky spa hotel’ for theirs. Joe hatches a plan to raise money by making a new batch of their single variety cider, putting it in fancy bottles, and selling it. When Eddie points out the crop of Borsetshire Beauties has been less than bountiful, Joe reminds him there are some trees over at Brookfield. It also turns out that Lynda’s got some in her garden, and Usha helpfully points out that Lynda’s working and won’t be there, thereby getting round the fact that Eddie and Lynda aren’t on speaking terms. Lynda’s trees turn out to be more productive (llama poo?) and they help themselves to as much as they want before Lynda unexpectedly appears. And what is the penalty for being caught red handed up a tree scrumping apples I hear you ask? Well, taking part in the Christmas show of course as a comedy bailiff (Eddie must have seen enough bailiffs in his time to play that one to perfection).

Meanwhile Alistair is keen to show Anisha, the prospective new partner in his veterinary practice, the full range of his activities (I bet he is), and suggests he takes her to see Bartleby. Anisha gives Bartleby the once-over, and suggests they try a new treatment for his joint pain that’s had promising results. Joe’s worried about the cost, but Anisha suggests a special introductory offer, and Joe likes the idea of being a pioneer so agrees.

Alistair’s wife Shula is having a heart-to-heart with Elizabeth and explains how Alistair’s decision to either sell up or go into partnership has given their relationship a new lease of life. She slips in the fact that her feelings for old-flame Richard Locke were just a fantasy. Elizabeth’s surprised that she felt that way, especially as she’s been no stranger to the doctor’s affections.

Lynda hunts down Adam in a field and interrupts his business conversation with Pip to invite him to play Mother Goose in lieu of Kenton, and unsurprisingly finds the idea of being a Kenton substitute less than attractive. Lynda also gets Pip to try and persuade Toby to take part wearing his ‘Ganderman’ goose costume. Pip cleverly gets Adam off the hook by suggesting Lynda try David instead, who she knows hasn’t the faintest intention of taking part, but this little distraction serves its purpose. Back to Estate business, and we learn that 50 farm professionals are due on a farm walk tomorrow to see how Adam’s trial of no-till drilling is coming along. On the day itself Adam confidently gets things started by giving some background about the floods and the need to adopt a new approach to soil management, before taking everyone up to see the herbal leys. Pip does well, and demonstrates how much the cows like the pasture, while Adam shows off the previously grazed areas.

Toby, who by now has agreed to be Ganderman in the panto, is telling select people about a secretive get-together at the Bull that evening, including Kenton, Elizabeth and Ambridges resident ginophile, Lilian. The meeting turns out to be a tasting of his Borsetshire gin, which goes down well until Elizabeth asks Toby whether he distilled it himself. The answer sends Kenton into a panic as he could lose his licence for allowing ‘moonshine’ to be consumed on the premises. Cue Lynda who is still on the prowl looking for her Mother Goose. While she’s doing her best to persuade Kenton to play the lead, Lilian – who has been necking the stuff, knocks over the bottle and all is about to be revealed when, in an act of desperation, Kenton agrees to be Lynda’s Mother Goose.

So the panto is cast, my Christmas is ruined, and Robert Snell is in deep, deep trouble – again.

Well Played, Lilian And Oliver!

Michael Cochrane (Oliver Sterling)

On Tuesday evening, Lilian took a phone call from Rob - he has seen an AmSide property - Hillside - on the website and it looks just what he’s looking for, so when can Lilian show him round? She is stunned - how did he know about the property, as it has only been on the website for about 10 minutes?

That’s the question she asks Justin the following day and he admits that he might have mentioned it to Rob. Lilian cannot believe that Rob would have the nerve to ask her, but Justin, who seems to have no idea of the depth of anti-Titchener feeling among the majority of inhabitants of Ambridge, doesn’t see what the problem is. Lilian says, somewhat incredulously, “You’re talking about the man who raped my niece and you want me to put a roof over his head?” Justin points out that Rob hasn’t been convicted of anything and he is lucky to escape without being struck.

Later on, Lilian is still in a bad mood and Justin apologises if he had been insensitive. Lilian refuses his offer of lunch and tells him “How do you think my family would feel - how would I feel - if I became his landlord?” Justin suggests that it could be a good thing for Helen, if Rob is free to start a new life, but “the decision has to be yours alone. As ever, I trust your impeccable judgement.” That’s not strictly accurate, as, when Justin was thinking of taking Rob on, Lilian advised against it and Justin ignored her advice.

Lilian mulls it over and, on Thursday, she tells Rob face to face that she has ‘other plans’ for Hillside. He retorts that he has found a better property on the Edgeley Road anyway and drives off. For her part, Lilian goes to The Bull, inviting Neil and Eddie to join her (“my treat”) to celebrate turning Rob down as a tenant. Eddie is all for it, but Neil says better not, as Susan will smell beer on his breath and bang on about the diet again. “But I wouldn’t say no to one of Wayne’s pork pies” he says, brightly. Well done, Lilian!

You do have to wonder about the blind spot that Justin has when it comes to Rob - he treats him as a normal, human being. The only other person who does that is Alan, and he has to, as that’s his job as vicar. On Friday evening, Justin invites Rob round to discuss an upcoming takeover - he wants Rob to help him with the research. Justin asks if he was disappointed at not getting Hillside? Not at all; in fact, Rob says Lilian has done him a favour, as he’s away from all the petty prejudice that he encounters in Ambridge.

Justin seems genuinely concerned, asking Rob if that bothers him much? “I barely notice it now” Rob tells him, to which Justin observes that it still cannot be very pleasant. “Water off a duck’s back,” Rob says, adding: “I shouldn’t have got tangled up with one of the oldest families in the district. I was never going to get a fair hearing, was I, so why bother fighting it?” Justin calls this attitude “very philosophical” and Rob replies that that’s the way he’s always been. “Even at school, I’d rather be right than popular” he says, inviting the comment that one out of two isn’t bad.

Justin describes this as “a refreshing approach” and expresses the hope that Rob stays that way. Is the man insane? The two talk of Charlie Thomas and his shortcomings and Justin says that Damara and BL are building for the future and what will be needed in 10, 20 or 30 years’ time. Rob isn’t averse to a bit of crawling and tells his boss “I don’t have divided loyalties - whatever the job, you can always count on me.”

Going back to Thursday, it wasn’t a good day for Rob. As well as getting blown out of renting Hillside, he receives an unexpected visit from Oliver. Rob is very affable, inviting him in and Oliver is icily formal, refusing offers of drinks and seats. Rob apologises for missing the first meet of the season, but he will definitely be at the next meet. “That’s what I’ve come to see you about” Oliver tells him.

We learn a bit later that Rob has been thrown out of the Hunt and he tells Oliver bitterly “I didn’t think that you’d been taken in by Helen’s slanderous allegations” and “If the foul things she claimed in court were true, why haven’t I been arrested and charged? It’s because the police know I’m innocent.” Oliver replies that it’s nothing to do with Helen; it’s Hunt business. Specifically, the fact that Oliver knows that Rob lied about the incident with the Hunt saboteur. It is revealed that Shula has grassed Rob up and he is furious, saying “Shula is Helen’s cousin - she’s doing this to get at me.” Still maintaining his dignity, Oliver says “I trust Shula implicitly.” “More fool you!” Rob rants “The whole family is two-faced!” Oliver calmly lays Rob’s subscription cheque on the table and says he’d better leave, as Rob shouts “There are better Hunts in the county who’ll be delighted to have me join, so you and Shula and all the rest can just go to hell!” This was the day before Rob told Justin that he barely notices the prejudice he encounters, incidentally. Well done Oliver - pity you didn’t have your horsewhip with you, but I commend your restraint.

Toby returns from Brighton on Sunday and begins unloading boxes at Rickyard Cottage. It turns out that he has brought back a still and is going to distil his own gin. Is that strictly legal? Toby thinks it is, telling Pip that he doesn’t need a licence if he’s not selling it. If that’s true, why aren’t we all doing it? He tells Pip that they are “Two pioneers, laying down foundations for a massive business” and she, while still angry because he went off to Brighton and only told her just before he left, nevertheless reluctantly agreed to act as his guinea pig gin taster. I’d watch it Pip - knowing Toby, he’ll distil the sort of alcohol that kills you, rather than makes you happy. It’s a pity that bullshit is not a valuable, marketable commodity - if it were, then Toby would be the richest man in Borsetshire, or possibly the world.

I understand that whisky has to be aged for at least three years, but Toby’s gin is ready for tasting on Thursday. It’s revolting - he appears to have added herbs etc by the shovel load and Pip takes one gulp and that’s it. She makes various derogatory comments, and a suddenly-earnest Toby says that he’ll start another batch tonight and tweak the recipe. “I need the money, Pip I’ve got to make this work.” Well, good luck with that, say I.

Elizabeth is worried because Freddie doesn’t appear to be making any friends at college and she asks Johnny to keep an eye out for him and talk to him. The two lads travel home on the bus together on Wednesday and Freddie says that his classmates tend to keep themselves to themselves. He is regarded as posh (a couple refer to him as ‘Downton’) and living at Lower Loxley doesn’t help - if he invites people back, they might think he’s showing off, and if he doesn’t, then he’s standoffish. Johnny recalls his first few days at college, when people mocked him for his northern accent. “I’m sorry, I can’t understand a word you’re saying” Freddie replies, perplexedly. OK, I admit that last bit was a total fabrication, but it would have been good. In an effort to cheer Freddie up, Johnny invites him home to share pizza and beer with him and Tom. I’m not entirely convinced that that is what Elizabeth meant when she asked Johnny to keep an eye on her son.

At Home Farm, Adam is being pursued by Brian, moaning about the state of the autumn crops and how they mustn’t let Justin see how bad they are. Adam unloads his woes on David, telling him that things at Home Farm are pretty grim - Kate is bemoaning the lack of people signing up for the panto, Lilian is miserable (this was when she was a bit arsey with Justin) and Brian is the worst of the lot. “The main trouble with Brian is - well - he’s Brian” Adam tells David and apologises for Brian’s rudeness earlier in the week (Brian interrupted their conversation on Monday to drag Adam off to inspect the bad crops). “I wish he had more faith in me” Adam says. David tries to be positive, saying how good the no-till and herbal leys are and Adam mustn’t let Brian wear him down. “I’m not sure how much more I can take” is Adam’s despondent answer.

On the subject of the panto, we learn that Alice thinks it won’t happen and she and Kate are resigned to having a talent contest instead. One person who won’t be in any panto is Susan, who is extremely annoyed when Kate approached her, saying that she had just the part for Susan - that of Esmeralda. Susan was quite pleased, until she saw the description of her character, which read “a gossipy old crone.” Tact and finesse were never Kate’s strong suits, but her judgement was spot on in this case.

Having said that, when it comes to tactlessness, Susan can be right up there with the best of them. The saga of the Carter family photograph grinds on, as does the moaning of Neil about his enforced diet (Neil had mushrooms on toast for Sunday lunch and carrot batons as a snack at the village bonfire), but at least Susan has finally chosen a photographer.

Even better, she tells Emma that, as she (Emma) recommended the firm, she will get a ‘finder’s fee’. Emma is delighted, as she is always short of money. And this is where Susan’s lack of tact is given free rein, as she wonders in front of Emma whether Ed will want to be in the photograph? After all, it will be very prim and proper and “Your father and I will be very dressed up.” The temperature falls a few degrees as Emma replies “Ed won’t mind.”

This is where Susan should keep her skate-mouth-sized gob firmly closed, but she cannot help herself, suggesting that perhaps Emma could use the finder’s fee to pay for Ed to have “A real good grooming session first, at a proper salon.” “Why?” asks Emma sharply and Susan makes things worse when she goes on “So he won’t feel out of place,” adding: “As long as he gets his hair cut properly and his nails tidied up.” The atmosphere is positively glacial now as Emma retorts that Ed can look very smart and there are about 100 better things that they can spend the money on. “It’s a really stupid idea” Emma tells her mother, who sighs and says “OK - I got exactly the same reaction from your dad when I suggested getting his nose hair layered.”

Never mind, Susan, if you ensure that Ed is positioned on the edge of the family group, he can always be cropped off, or Photoshopped out.

Not As Easy As You Thought, Alice?

Hollie Chapman (Alice Aldridge)

The work of casting for Mother Goose seems to have devolved entirely on to Alice, which isn’t surprising when you think that Kate is supposed to be doing it - we all know her ability to knuckle down and apply herself to any task in hand. Alice is crowing about how easy it all is, but then Eddie pulls the entire Grundy family out of the production, in protest about the panto being nothing more than one huge advert for the Fairbrothers’ goose business.

And the Grundys are not the only ones - Toby says he’s too busy, ditto Kenton and Rex isn’t keen either. Friday night is audition night and Alice and Kirsty are the only ones there, until Rex walks in. He’s still not sure, but has come along just to have a look. The two girls fall upon him and the flattery is laid on with a trowel. Suddenly the door opens and a voice says “Sorry I’m late” as, to the two girls’ horror, Rob walks in.

Kirsty tells Alice that she cannot possibly cast Rob and Alice says that she will let him audition and then tell him that he hasn’t got a part. Kirsty then says that she can’t audition either. “You know why” she tells Alice. We have said before that Rob’s skin resembles that of a pachyderm in thickness, but this is breathtaking - worse even than Halloween, when he turned up at The Bull, wearing a Joker mask, prompting Kenton to remark to Jolene “Rob as the Joker; can you believe it? That man - how sick can you get?”

Of course, it’s an ill wind - if Rob is associated with the panto, presumably nobody else will want anything to do with it and it won’t happen. I can dream, can’t I? Rob started his new job as Justin’s Estates Manager on Monday and Justin immediately invited him to come along on the shoot later in the week. I did wonder if we might perhaps have an accident, with Rob’s body found riddled with shot, but no such luck - in fact, Rob was one of the best shots and Justin complimented him on his prowess.

Had Rob’s lifeless body been found on the shoot, the police would be spoilt for choice of suspects, as Rob has managed to rub numerous people up the wrong way. On Monday, he goes to see Adam about the arable crops - he is concerned about their patchy growth. Adam explains that the no-till system - a system approved by the BL Board, incidentally - is a long-term project. Rob makes some pointed remarks about Adam’s domestic life and “If these crops don’t pick up very soon, you can expect another visit from me.”

Adam moans to Brian about Rob’s attitude, but Brian thinks that Rob has a point - the crops do look a bit sparse, plus they have to make sure that Justin is happy. “It’s a simple matter of economics - we can’t afford to lose the Estate contract” Brian tells Adam. On the day of the shoot, it is Brian’s turn to be needled by Rob, who says that he is not prepared to have Estate land used as “a test bed for Adam’s half-baked theories” and he wonders if Adam is capable of doing his job properly, after all what he has heard about his personal life. Brian protests that Rob is being unfair, but Rob wonders about the soundness of Adam’s professional judgement. Brian tells Rob that he will contact Justin to reassure him, to which cuddly Rob replies “Well, you can try if you like Brian, but don’t say you haven’t been warned.”

Also on the day of the shoot, Shula turns up on horseback and Rob asks if it’s a good idea to ride on Estate land on the day of a shoot. Shula retorts that she is on her way home and anyway, the bridle path is a public right of way. Rob, who is obviously suffering because he hasn’t upset anybody for at least five minutes, tells her that, as Estates Manager, it’s his decision as to who can ride over Estate land and he might even apply to have the bridle path diverted. Later on Shula relates this story to Alistair and she is hopping mad. Another candidate for murder suspect!

Alistair could be excused for having other things on his mind - on Sunday, the lady who might be interested in buying into his vet’s business - Anisha - comes to the Stables for lunch and a look round. She is impressed and, later in the week, Alistair tells Shula that Anisha rang him and she is still interested and they will meet next week to discuss it further.

A story that is getting on my nerves is the saga of the Carter family’s group photograph. Susan is getting serious delusions of adequacy as she decides that no local photographer could possibly do the job properly and she is looking at London-based snappers. This must alarm Neil, as he envisages the ever-mounting costs of the project. What, with this and the privations of the enforced diet that Susan has put him on, Neil must be regretting that he ever had the idea of a family photograph.

Roy stuck a tentative toe into the online dating water when he met up with Lucy at a patisserie for coffee and cakes. Lucy is a very attractive girl and the two are getting on like a house on fire - she is jealous that he has a signed Pet Shop Boys album (a relic from Loxfest) - and it all looks good. However, Lucy is spelling out some of her ground rules for relationships and, when she mentions a friend of hers who had an affair with her boss, causing Lucy to cut the girl out of her life, the wheel falls off for Roy. Towards the end of the date, Lucy asks: “Is it me, or did it get a bit awkward, later on?” Roy replies in the negative, but it seems that he believes that there’s no future for the two of them, or so he told Kirsty later.

Perhaps Roy should borrow some self-confidence from Toby Fairbrother - God only knows that he’s got enough to spare. Having been ousted from the goose business, he is looking for the next great money-making idea. Getting ill on the Grundy’s cider and sloe gin, he decides that his future lies in coming up with an artisan drink. Pip finds him ‘foraging’ in the hedgerows and he proudly displays the flora that he has collected. What does Pip think? She points out that the berries he has picked are poisonous but he is not discouraged, telling her that he will look elsewhere.

‘Elsewhere’ turns out to be Lynda Snell’s herb garden and her shed, where herbs are hanging up to dry. I can’t help think that Lynda would not be amused, but, fortunately for Toby, she is away, ministering to Flat Leaf Parsley, who broke her arm in New York and had to come back early with young Muppet. Toby mixes all the ingredients together and lets them steep for a few days. He and Pip then taste the resulting concoction, which is just this side of horrible, with much coughing. Pip readily agrees with Toby when he says that it needs more work.

Pip is annoyed with Toby, as Rex sought her out to ask her to remind Toby that they are having a business meeting in the afternoon and Toby needs to be there. Of course, Toby doesn’t go, saying to Pip: “All this stuff about squeezing me out of the goose business isn’t going to happen.” Why not? “Because I know my brother - he can stew in his own juice until he realises that he needs me more than I need him.” Toby also mentions in passing that he is going down to Brighton for the weekend, or maybe a few days more, which is news to Pip, and she isn’t happy, telling him that he can’t go anywhere until he has talked to Rex.

Toby eventually rings Rex, causing him to leave the panto auditions early, and the two brothers meet. In a bored voice, Toby asks what happened at the meeting? Rex tells him that he and Josh decided that there is no more egg business. “Upper Class Eggs isn’t working, so we’re winding it up.” Rex tells his brother. “No! You can’t” Toby replies, but Rex says that there’s nothing for Toby to stay for - the partnership is over. “You can’t do this to me,” Toby says, adding (a tad optimistically) “We’re a team - we’re family.” Rex is having none of it, saying: “It was never going to work, Toby. You always wanted to go your own way, so now’s your chance.” Back to the artisan drinks, Toby. Perhaps Pip will get fed up with Toby and we might learn at last what it is he gets up to in Brighton.

A couple whose fortunes seem to be on the up and up are Kenton and Jolene. A year ago, Kenton was in despair and The Bull was in serious danger of going nads up, being rescued only when the rest of the Archer family rallied round with a loan. What a difference a year makes! We learn that Halloween was extremely successful for the couple, plus other events during the summer were nice little earners. It’s a measure of how successful they have been that Kenton arranges a surprise for Jolene - having ensured that Fallon can provide cover, he has arranged a night away at a luxury hotel and spa to celebrate their wedding anniversary.

Kenton tells Jolene this in the bar, where a dejected Eddie is nursing a half, because he cannot afford a pint. Kenton’s news does nothing to lighten Eddie’s mood - he remarks gloomily that it’s his and Clarrie’s wedding anniversary next week as well and “Clarrie will be lucky to get a box of chocolates.”

Casting an eye back over last week’s stories, I hope that we have seen the scales beginning to drop from Pip’s eyes when it comes to Toby - she wasn’t impressed when he announced that he was off to Brighton without her. If we’re lucky, perhaps he’ll stay there.

I want to give Justin Eliot a good shaking - I know Rob hasn’t been convicted of anything, but the fact that the jury believed Helen’s tale of coercive behaviour and being raped surely suggests that he isn’t a nice person, to put it mildly? Is this the sort of man you want running your business, Justin? Hasn’t Justin noticed that Rob is being ostracised by almost the entire village? He’ll give BL a bad name, Justin - get rid of him.

Actually, Justin isn’t the only one to give Rob some credit, as on Sunday, Alan is talking to Shula as Rob drives past. The vicar says that he had a chat with Rob and “He doesn’t seem to have many friends right now.” “Are you surprised?” she answers and Alan is worried that Rob seems to be so isolated and it is his (Alan’s) job to try and heal things. Shula disagrees, saying: “It sounds uncharitable, but I think he is getting exactly the treatment that he deserves.” Uncharitable? Maybe, but as this conversation took place four days before the confrontation with Rob at the shoot, I venture to suggest that Shula isn’t likely to be changing her opinion any time soon.

It’s Not Easy, Being A Vicar

John Telfer (Alan Franks)

Every job has its downside - presumably there are days when even the Pope thinks “Not another Mass to celebrate” and would rather pull the covers over his head. If you are a vicar in a country parish, such as Ambridge, life should be reasonably tranquil and the hardest thing that the Rev. Alan Franks should have to do is think up another madcap scheme to celebrate Lent. Last week, however, he had a really nasty job to do.

That job was talking to Rob and offering the hand of, if not friendship, then that of a caring vicar. Alan runs into Rob outside the village shop and tells our favourite villain that his mother Ursula has contacted him, as she’s worried about Rob. Alan offers to drive Rob home. “Hmm. Christian charity - heaven knows this village could do with some” says Rob and, when they get to Blossom Hill Cottage, he invites the vicar in.

It has, in Rob’s words “been a bit of a day.” He had to see the psychologist, whom he describes as “not old enough to pass her Eleven Plus” and derides her psychometric tests and what he calls “her psychobabble.” Alan says that it won’t be long before Rob finds out exactly what her report is at the Family Court Hearing. It transpires that, when visiting the shop, Rob heard Susan talking to Jill. “A nice way to find out that your wife is divorcing you” Rob says, bitterly, and goes on to say “The idea of Helen taking any decision is - “ and he breaks off. Let’s pause here and reflect: it surely cannot be a surprise that Helen is filing for divorce - after all, she had a good go at killing him and there aren’t many couples who come through a situation like that, and why should she tell him?

Rob tells Alan that he’ll soon have the Gideon situation sorted out, as he has applied to have his name changed, legally. “I see” says Alan, in an ‘I don’t think so’ tone. Rob is soon back on a high, saying “The sooner Helen is out of my life and his [Gideon’s], the better.” Instead of making an excuse and leaving, Alan stays with Rob for a coffee (he refused a drink, as he’s driving) and says “I’ll keep in touch, if I may?” Gracious as ever, Rob says “Why? Is it a guilty conscience because your wife is chucking me out of my home?” Alan doesn’t rise to this and tells Rob that that has nothing to do with it. “Just general do-gooding then?” Rob sneers.

Instead of smacking Rob in the mouth with a handy bit of furniture, Alan says that he does not make judgements, but it’s his wish - and his job - to heal the whole parish, and that includes scumbags like Rob (my words, not Alan’s). Rob replies “You’re wasting your time with me - I’m beyond redemption.” “Nobody is beyond redemption” Alan says, in full vicar mode. Rob snorts “Try telling that to that lot at Bridge Farm, or anyone else in Ambridge - they’d have me burned at the stake if they could.” Alan protests (mildly) “I don’t think so” but Rob isn’t listening and, continuing the mediaeval punishment theme, suggests that Helen should be subjected to the Ducking Stool for the lies she has told about Rob.

Again, let’s take a step back and I think we will find that Rob has achieved new heights of self-awareness and of the tactics of the vast majority of villagers (for example, Susan won’t serve him in the shop), which are actually making an impression on that ultra-resilient Titchener skin. Consider: Rob considers he is beyond redemption. Alan says ‘no’ but of course he is, as he hasn’t repented or even admitted that he’s done anything wrong. Next, we have the burning at the stake. Once again Rob is spot on and Alan is probably the only person in the village - or among the millions of listeners, come to that - who would not only see Rob burned at the stake, but wouldn’t volunteer to set alight to the kindling. Look, Bonfire Night is coming up and presumably there will be a bonfire on the Green. Accidents have been known to happen.

As to the Ducking Stool, Helen has spoken nothing but the Gospel truth. When he finally leaves, Alan says that Rob does not need to respond, but he (Alan) will try to keep in touch, just to see how Rob is doing. “I don’t need your charity” says the lovable Rob, and adds that he will be too busy with his new job and looking after his son. You have to admire Alan’s persistence, as he says “I’ll be praying for you.” “Good luck with that” Rob sneers. I too will be praying for you, Rob - I’ll be praying that He breaks your neck. Nothing personal, you understand.

The simmering discontent between the Fairbrothers continued to escalate. On Wednesday, Josh turns up at Brookfield, to see Rex tending to the geese when it should be Toby. Josh asks what’s happened? Rex says that Toby has let the feed for the geese run down to nothing, despite being told on at least two occasions that stocks were getting low. Josh says that he doesn’t think he can take any more of Toby’s unreliability and, when Rex says he’s on the case, Josh replies that he always says that and nothing happens. “No, I mean it. In fact, I’ve already dealt with it” Rex says.

Josh is sceptical, but then an extremely angry Toby arrives, incensed because he has just received a text from Rex, saying ‘You’re fired’. Rex tells Josh that this is nothing to do with him, as it’s about the geese and Josh takes the hint and leaves. The two brothers have words, with Rex calling Toby unreliable (true) and that ideas are all he has and he shies away from real work (true).

Toby retaliates by calling Rex “a boring, no-hope plodder” and suggests that Rex’s problems stem from frustration. “And whose fault is that?” Rex snarls and, when Toby says “You’ll never get any woman, let alone Pip” Rex snaps, and the two boys fight; the result of which is a black eye for Toby.

Later on, Pip treats Toby’s injury and she cannot understand why Rex would be so violent. Toby, who has perhaps been taking lessons in duplicity from Rob, milks it, saying that it’s not the first time. Pip says they have to make it up - how likely is that? - but Toby says that hard work isn’t his metier; he is the one with vision. Pip suggests that hard work is what farmers do, but Toby seems to be distancing himself from farming. Never mind Pip, perhaps when you are getting up at the crack of sparrows, Toby will have cooked a breakfast for your return from milking and will clean the house while you are out on the farm. OK, Toby doesn‘t know what he’s going to do yet, but, when he does: “I’m going to make it work - I’m going to prove to you, your Gran and everyone that I’m not the total waster they think I am.” Yeah, right.

On Friday, Toby leaps into action, telling Pip: “When you live with a marketing genius, Pip, you never know when inspiration will strike” and, giving her a merry wave, he sets off to Grange Farm. ‘Inspiration’ appears to be getting Joe and Eddie to let him taste their ‘special edition’ cider (for which Joe charges him £7.50) and, later on, their sloe gin (another £5). Toby appears to have some idea of selling the drinks, even though Eddie tells him that they cannot, as they have no licence. Toby weaves his unsteady way back to Rickyard, saying “This could be the start of a beautiful friendship” and Eddie’s sotto voce comment is “pillock”. Joe says “Never mind - we’re £12.50 up on the night.” When Toby gets back to Rickyard, Pip serves him a distinctly tired supper and he rushes off to the bathroom to throw up. Have a word with the ‘marketing genius’ in the morning, Pip, and make him clean the pans.

Let’s return to the Grundys, after Toby has left: Eddie gets a call from Alice. We need some background here - Lynda has drafted Kate in as assistant director, but she has obviously studied at the Toby Fairbrother school of doing bugger all and delegated work to Alice. After attempting to get Kate to do some work (some hope!) Alice takes on the task herself and, telling the Grundys that the panto will be ‘Cinderella’, she’s signed up the whole family, with Eddie having the promise of a solo.

However, as Toby leaves the Cider Club, Eddie gets a text - Lynda has vetoed Cinderella and, instead, the production this year will be ’Mother Goose’. Eddie is outraged - he regards this as being one big advertising campaign for the Fairbrothers’ geese. “She can stuff her panto - the Grundys are out.” he tells Joe. Let’s hope that this is the first of many withdrawals.

We have some loose ends to tie up. First of all, Roy’s profile gets posted on the dating sites (due mostly to Jazzer losing the will to live and posting it when Roy isn’t looking). Roy, Kirsty and Jazz took great care over crafting the site, with Roy being pictured with a dog to show his caring side (George charged him £3 to hire Holly), as well as a sartorial makeover. And Roy’s ideal match, according to the website? Tracy Horrobin. Latest reports reveal that Roy is on suicide watch at Grey Gables.

Just when Alistair has decided to sell his practice, Shula takes a call from a lady vet, who is an equine expert in a practice near Worcester, who might be interested in buying in as a partner (later, we learn from Alistair that she has been dealing more with ‘hamsters than horses’.) Alistair says that he has agreed to sell the whole practice, but Shula urges him to get in touch and at least have a word, as selling half the practice would still give them enough money to fund the Hunt JM expenses. Alistair rings her and invites her to lunch on Sunday and a look round the practice later.

Ian has a heart to heart with Helen and he admits that things are difficult - it doesn’t feel right, but how much longer will it take?  Helen replies that he needs to have this conversation with Adam. “That’s the tricky part” Ian sighs. For his part, Adam has had his ear bent by Lilian, who urges him to not work such long hours and talk seriously to Ian. Hopefully, they will sort it out.

And now, the ‘I still wake up screaming’ moment of the week. Susan has decided that she and Neil need to go on a diet and to have some treatments if they are to be in top shape for the family photograph. Poor Neil is rationed when it comes to bread and he comes home one night to see a bowl full of green gunk. Susan assures him that this isn’t his tea, but an avocado face mask for both of them. He protests, but finds it relaxing. When Susan tells him that he has Chilli con carne for supper, Neil gets amorous (for him, chilli con carne = Viagra) and, being in their dressing gowns, there is much fooling around and avocado going everywhere. The doorbell rings and Neil says “ignore it”, but Susan says it’s probably Emma and opens the door. A startled Shula stands there - she’s come to discuss the bellringers’ supper. In a shocked voice, Shula says: “I can see you’re [pause] busy. It doesn’t matter - I’ll call back another time” and she flees. Her emergency counselling session is the hour before mine, apparently.

Joe Is Underwhelmed

Bartleby

Last week we had Joe Grundy being listless and miserable - yes, I too was gobsmacked - but it’s an ill wind and all that, as Joe’s lack of appetite meant that Eddie could have his breakfast bacon and sausage. Eddie tells his dad that they might have a surprise for him later on. “That’ll be nice” says Joe, in a rather abstracted tone.

And what is the surprise? Well, Eddie and Ed plan to move Susan’s old mangle back to Grange Farm. This is no mean feat, as the machine in question is very heavy and very rusty, but with much puffing and panting, they get it positioned where it always used to stand back in Susan Grundy’s day. An excited Eddie calls for Joe to come and see and is severely disappointed by his reaction (or, rather, lack of it), telling his father that that’s the last time he tries to do something nice for him.

Ed, however, realises that all is not as it should be and asks Joe if something is up? Joe replies that he’s all right, but Bartleby hasn’t been right for weeks and all Joe’s home-made remedies have not helped any. Joe says that it’s time to call in the vet. “What’s that gonna cost?” asks an alarmed Eddie. Joe replies that he doesn’t care (of course he doesn’t - he won’t be paying it) and that he cannot bear to see the horse suffering any longer. Eddie, who has only just finished telling Ed that he thinks they are OK to pay the rent for this month, but that it will be very difficult in the winter months, is presumably thinking that Alistair should bring his shotgun and, if Joe moans, well, there are two barrels, after all.

Alistair turns up and diagnoses arthritis. There’s good news and bad news and more bad news. Bad news one: it cannot be cured. Good news: it can be treated. Bad news two: treatment is on-going and the costs will mount up over the years. Joe decides to think it over and, in the meantime, try Bartleby on cod liver oil. He implores Alistair to “be Christian” when it comes to making out the bill and Alistair’s response is that he is cheaper than a conventional, multi-vet practice. “I know I can count on you Alistair Lloyd” says Joe.

But for how long? Alistair is in fact on his way to have lunch with a partner in a North Borsetshire firm of vets, who have expressed an interest in buying Alistair’s practice. Not only will this give Alistair the chance to do new things - like taking a day off - but should free up some capital to allow Shula to become Joint Master of the Hunt. By the time lunch is over, Alistair has agreed to sell, assuming the price is right. When he tells Shula, she is really grateful and, when she in her turn tells Oliver that she is willing to put her name forward to become JM, she adds that she could not have a more supportive husband, which probably means that something bad or horrible is about to happen.

Speaking of bad and horrible, Rob is still “hanging around the village like a bad smell” to quote Ed Grundy. On Sunday, Ed runs into Rob at the shop and Rob tries to engage him in conversation, but Ed isn’t having any of it. Later on, Ed pops into The Bull for a drink and Rob is there too, trying to get served, with a singular lack of success, as first Jolene and then Kenton ignore him. Rob offers to buy Ed a drink (“if we can ever get served!”) and says “Twice in one day - anyone would think you are following me.” “Well, I ain’t Rob - you can be sure of that” Ed replies, adding that he’ll get his own drink, thanks all the same.

At this moment, the row between Rex and Toby, which has been simmering ever since Rex walked into the pub, where Toby has taken Bert for a lunchtime drink, gets louder and louder. In fact, the bad feeling between the Fairbrothers has been escalating all day, with Rex being awkward over breakfast and sniping at Toby all the time. At the pub, Rob tries to intervene, telling the brothers that, if they have a disagreement, why not take it outside? “Shut up Rob!” the brothers shout in unison, but Bert tells them that this isn’t really the place for a row. Rex agrees, saying that he’ll go and find somewhere else to drink. “And don’t hurry back” Toby tells him.

Later on, Rob goes to Bridge Farm for his three-hour contact with Jack (we aren’t told whether or not he ever got his meal at The Bull) and he mentions to Pat that he has been sorting out Helen and Henry’s things and they are up at the cottage. “If you don’t want me to put them out for the dustmen, someone had better collect them - pronto” says the charmer.

When she learns of this, Helen is uninterested, saying that she doesn’t want anything that reminds her of Rob. However, Pat keeps on at her, saying that there might be some of Henry’s toys and suchlike, until her daughter gives in and says OK, she can go and collect them. Pat brings back a load of bin bags, but Helen cannot bring herself to go through them, until Lilian tells her that she had to do pretty much the same after Matt upped and left and, while she was dreading it, she actually found it cathartic. The two go through the bags together and Helen finds it easier and less traumatic than she expected. Indeed, there were some occasions (such as finding Henry’s Squiggle the squirrel toy) that brought back happy memories.

Towards the end of the week, Pat comes across Helen in the Dairy, making cheese and she says that her daughter looks different somehow - more contented. Helen admits that it’s good to be back in the Dairy and she’s been considering whether or not to make a formal complaint against Rob for coercive behaviour. In the end, Helen decides that she couldn’t face another long, legal fight and, although she knows that she might be letting some people down, she has decided not to pursue any complaint. “I’ve got to get my life back” Helen says, adding “I just need to focus on me and the boys - if that’s all right?” Pat says “Of course it is, darling” and the two women hug.

A few weeks ago, we brought up the question of who is paying for the services of Anna Tregorran, and last week, we learned that the final bill for legal costs etc. is in excess of £30,000, which is slightly more than they have in their small change jar. Should they ask Peggy to help out? Tony says ’no’, and tells Pat “We’ve been through tough times before and survived them - we’ll get through this together.” He also reminds Pat that they would have paid three times as much money to get their daughter back. They do decide not to tell Helen and Tom just yet, although they will have to be told eventually, as they are partners in the farm.

The reason for not telling Tom just yet is that he has just found out that his Nuffield scholarship has been approved. Not only that, but he has been given a sponsor - not Justin Elliot, as they all thought, but the firm for which Alice works, Pryce Baumann. As if that were not enough, the two farms in Germany that Helen earmarked as likely places for Tom to visit have both said that a visit would be fine. Tom is on a real high (as is Helen) and Pat and Tony think that it would be cruel to give them the bad news now - wait till the bailiffs are knocking at the door.

There have been developments in the Pip/Toby saga. Pip is cooking pasta for them both and the portions are meagre, to say the least - something which Toby makes abundantly plain, saying that he needs to keep his strength up. Never mind, Pip says that there are always lots of cakes at Brookfield and she will go and get some. While she is helping herself to flapjacks, Jill walks into the room and demands to know what she is doing. Jill says in no uncertain terms that it is not OK for Pip to take flapjacks or cakes and she is a grown woman who should be living independently and not raiding food from other people’s cupboards.

Pip is somewhat shocked and tells her gran “This isn’t about my independence at all, is it? It’s about Toby.” “Nonsense” Jill replies, but Pip asks why is she punishing her and “You just hate him because he’s a Fairbrother - it’s completely stupid.” Jill retorts that the whole family has never been anything but trouble, even as far back as - ” Pip realises that Jill was going to mention Grace’s name and accuses her grandmother of being jealous of Phil’s first wife, who died in the 1950s. Jill says that Pip has made a bad choice and let them all down and a tearful Pip can’t believe that Jill is being so nasty. She walks out, telling Jill “Don’t worry, I’ll never eat one of your cakes ever again.”

If Jill was trying to put Pip off Toby, she has miscalculated badly, as Pip goes straight over to Rickyard and suggests to a rather surprised Toby that he moves in with her. He asks her if she is sure and, when she says ‘yes’, he says he’d love to. “That’s much better than cake.” I cannot help feeling that this isn’t going to help the relationship between Toby and Rex - the two have already said that they both think going into business together was a mistake. Still, at least Toby won’t have to put up with Rex’s moodiness and sniping at breakfast now.

Jill drops in at Lower Loxley, where Elizabeth is having a bit of trouble with a conference they are hosting. Freddie comes home from school and Lizzie asks Jill if she would keep an eye on him, as he should be revising for his maths GCSE resit, which is coming up next month. Freddie tells Jill that he had hoped never to study maths again, but he has been helped by Iftikar, who he has contacted by e-mail on a couple of occasions.

Jill later tells Elizabeth, who didn’t know about the contact with Ifti. Elizabeth also tells Jill that she and Ifti liked each other, but it didn’t come to anything, as it was too soon after Nigel’s death. She adds that it will probably never feel right - look at the mess she got into with Roy. Jill says that he was the wrong man, plus he was married, and she shouldn’t give up on men altogether - she just needs to meet the right one. “Between the children and Lower Loxley, I haven’t got room in my life for a man.” Elizabeth answers, so it’s probably odds on that she will be starring in a romantic storyline before long. Actually, if things go according to plan, it won’t be that long before Rob is divorced by Helen and is a free agent once more - now that would make for an interesting storyline!

I’ll Get You For This, Robert Snell

Graham Blockey (Robert Snell)

Robert Snell is someone who I have always thought was an OK guy - he’s invariably pleasant and polite, plus, of course, he gets a huge dollop of sympathy for being married for 30 years, or whatever it is, to Lynda; you don’t get that for murder, do you? However, my feelings changed radically last week and, whereas Robert used to be someone for whom I would cheerfully buy a pint, now I’m afraid that he has become a pariah and he’s off my Christmas card list big time.

And the reason for this change of heart? It happened on Wednesday. Salieri the llama has a toothache and, when Alistair tries to examine him, Salieri spits at him. Following this cameo, Lynda and Robert are relaxing in the shepherd’s hut (I was surprised that it accommodated two people without collapsing) and Robert notices that Lynda seems a little distracted and cannot take her eyes off her tablet - what is she doing? With a sigh, Lynda admits that she is looking at drama sites - at this time of year, she would normally be embarking on choosing her latest Christmas extravaganza, but she has abdicated responsibility this year, leaving such things to Fallon and others. Still, old habits die hard, although she tells her husband “My time has come and gone.”

This is Robert’s cue to nod wisely and make her a cup of tea, but instead the clown tells her that she is being selfish, by depriving the village of her talents. Before we can club him to the ground, he goes on to say that this year’s fete was a fiasco until Lynda took over - no-one else has her flair. “Why not do what you do best? Inspire the village - put on a new show.” I’m sure I was not alone in shouting ‘no!’ in a strangled voice, but Lynda is worried about reneging on her promise to take a step backwards. Robert continues to lay it on with a trowel and Lynda succumbs, telling him “You’ve made an unanswerable case, Robert.”

OK, deep down we all knew that Lynda was never really going to give up her theatrical activities, but for a while there, we had a slim hope of a Snell-less Christmas for one year, with none of the angst, screaming and numerous crises that occur with each production, before the finished show turns out to be another roaring success. One year off - was that really too much to ask? I know where you live Robert and I’ll get you for this.

From Robert to Rob. Last week we suggested that he had the skin of a rhinoceros, but this week we learned that rhinoceros hide is as tissue paper compared with the Titchener epidermis. After having his stoma reversed, Rob and Ursula make a point of being very visible on a bench on the village green. Actually, Ursula isn’t that comfortable, but Rob says that he’s not going to hide away “Despite the appalling behaviour of the cricket team. I’ve done nothing to be ashamed of” the master of self-delusion adds. He’s just had his first three-hour session with the psychologist - something that he says was a waste of time. The psychologist is a woman, which immediately reduces her status in Rob’s eyes, plus he says that she would be better off interviewing Helen, not him. The subject of access is a constant moan from Rob and he reveals that he has instructed his solicitor to submit the relevant papers to pursue a name change for Jack. His solicitor says that there is little chance of success and Ursula wonders if it’s worth it. “What’s the alternative? Giving up?” Rob snaps, adding: “Helen needs to understand she can’t break my spirit.” Perhaps if Helen lays a formal complaint against Rob for rape and assorted other abuse charges against her and Henry, and it is successful, maybe he might finally admit that he has done something wrong, as he’s sent down for a year or three. Or will he maintain that Helen had been sleeping with the jury and he is the victim of yet another miscarriage of justice? What do you reckon? Yup, me too.

In a few previous episodes, we have speculated that all might not be well between Alistair and Shula. Indeed, they haven’t had any meaningful dialogue for months, or even years. Last week, Oliver turned up at The Stables to tell Shula that Perry (who he?) is retiring as Joint Master (JM) of the South Borsetshire Hunt (SBH) and Oliver wonders if Shula would be interested in filling the vacancy. This has always been one of Shula’s ambitions and she says that she will have to check with Alistair. As he leaves, Oliver casually mentions that the JMs frequently have to cover Hunt expenses - you know, little things like paying for a new member of staff, which can cost the odd couple of thousands each and he’ll leave it with her, shall he?

Having mortgaged themselves up to the hilt to pay off Alistair’s gambling debts a few years ago, Shula thinks that there is no chance that she can accept the JM post (and, to be honest, it does sound a bit like a poisoned chalice) but she raises the subject with Alistair. Shula also says that it’s academic, anyway as, when she tells Oliver about how she lied about the Rob/hunt sab incident, he won’t offer her the position. Alistair says wait and see and tells his wife that he knows that being a JM has always been an ambition of hers “So let’s explore every avenue first - see if we can’t make your dreams come true.”

Shula goes to see Oliver and returns, admitting to Alistair that he was right - Oliver was indeed calm about the Hunt sab incident. What? Only calm? Surely he should have horsewhipped Rob? Actually, that raises an interesting point - what will happen if (I feel that should be ‘when’) Rob wants to rejoin the Hunt? And if you think he wouldn’t have the nerve, I submit that you haven’t been paying attention to this blog and you haven‘t understood the Titchener mentality.

Anyway, we learn that Alistair’s plan is that he sells his one-man veterinary business and becomes an employee of the new owners. Shula says that surely he couldn’t bear not to be his own boss once more? Alistair counters by saying that being a one-man band has its disadvantages too - he can’t be ill, he can’t take days off unless he arranges cover and he has to be an expert in animals from mice to farm beasts. Presumably he could have added that being gobbed on by llamas takes the shine off the job as well. Shula is overcome and kisses him, thanking him for being so thoughtful. Alistair warns her that, if the offer isn’t any good, he won’t accept, but it seems that stability has returned to The Stables, at least as far as personal relationships are concerned.

Let’s gloss over the ‘Will Tony buy and restore the Fordson Major tractor?’ story. Of course he will. He has to ask Pat, but is she likely to refuse if it means that Tony will be moping around, sulking and being miserable? Definitely not, plus it has the advantage of getting him out of the way for hours at a time.

Equally briefly, Carol went to see Jill and asks whether Jill and Pip have made it up yet? Jill retorts that, if Carol means has Pip apologised, the answer is ‘no’. Carol says gently that that is not what she meant, but Jill is adamant that Pip is in the wrong, as she knew that the party was family only. Carol points out that she’s not family, but she was there. She goes further, suggesting that, when Jill talks of Toby, she’s really thinking of his father Robin, and how he treated Elizabeth badly. Not only that, but Carol says that Jill was jealous of Grace Fairbrother (Phil’s first wife) and Carol is afraid that all this might poison Jill’s relationship with her granddaughter. Jill’s response is that it’s rubbish to say that she’s jealous of Grace and “We will have to agree to disagree,” adding: “I’m sure Pip will see through Toby in time.”

Susan is still worrying about her body, despite husband Neil’s reassurances that she’s as beautiful as the day they married. If you think about it, he could be implying that she was wrinkled and saggy when they got wed, but I’m sure that’s not what he meant. Whatever, I really cannot get interested in the story. Neil’s solution is to have a professionally-taken family portrait taken, which they can hang in a prominent place (just remove the dartboard). His enthusiasm is somewhat tempered when Susan says that she will need a new dress and an expensive hairdo.

Jazzer asks Tom how he got on with his Nuffield interview. Tom thinks he did OK, but he ran off at the mouth when answering the final question about current affairs. We’ll have to wait for the final result, but personally, I won’t be losing sleep. Roy turns up and Jazzer ridicules his get-up and hairdo (a makeover, courtesy of Kirsty) but, if he loses a few kilos of hair gel, he might look normal. The three lads decide to get back on the dating game and to go out clubbing one night. I think they might be a touch on the old side.

Adam is desperate to talk to Ian, especially when Kate tells him that Ian has been offered a super job in Edinburgh and is going for an interview. Adam is distraught and leaves a tearful message on Ian’s phone, begging him to get in touch. Adam hangs up and Ian, who has been listening, says to himself “Sorry, Adam” as he leaves the house. On the last broadcasting evening, Adam and Ian do meet up, when Adam goes to Honeysuckle. The two talk about the Edinburgh job, which Ian describes as “A wonderful opportunity.” Adam is begging for another chance: “I love you, I can’t live without you” and he beats himself up, calling himself all sorts of a fool for “My stupidity - and my betrayal.” Ian says that he has turned the job down as “I can’t leave Ambridge, not yet. It’s just that I love you too much, you old git.” Who said romance was dead? Eventually, Ian says that Adam should move back in they’ll give it a go, and there is much snuffling as the two men hug. I for one am glad that they got back together, as Ian is possibly the nicest man in Ambridge - certainly now Robert Snell has plummeted down the ‘nice’ league. Just don’t cock it up (and I use the phrase advisedly) again, Adam.

Kate is wandering around like a lost sheep - nobody needs her; she Skyped her children in South Africa and they hardly said anything, plus bookings for Spiritual Home have dropped off (would you want to spend cold nights in a yurt?) and Phoebe hasn’t called her from Oxford - two texts in two weeks is the sum total of their contacts. “I feel useless - nobody needs me” she says to Lynda, who has invited her to join her during her break. Lynda had an ulterior motive, and suggests that Kate becomes her Assistant Director for the Christmas show. Kate is dubious, but Lynda flatters her by reminding her of her triumph as Sleeping Beauty when she was a teenager. Just think, Lynda and Kate - it just gets better and better (he said, weeping bitterly).